Chapter 76
Predict the Predictable

This strategy is helpful and practical for all couples and gets even more so the longer you have been together. It has to do with the fact that, to one degree or another, all of us have a certain amount of predictability. Happily, learning to predict the predictable—and making peace with it—can save you from a great deal of agitation.

Kris was raised in Portland, Oregon, where it rains a significant portion of the time. Most people familiar with the region would acknowledge that it would be silly to travel there (especially in the winter) and be surprised or disappointed that it was raining. You might prefer to bask in a little more sunshine, but you certainly wouldn’t complain, “I can’t believe it’s raining—my day is ruined.”

You can extend this simple wisdom to your relationship with your partner. After a while you come to expect certain responses, and you can be fairly accurate in your prediction of certain habits. Your boyfriend, for example, might become defensive every time you make plans on Sunday afternoon because that’s the day he likes to watch sports on television. Once you know this, it’s unnecessary, maybe even a little foolish, to take offense at his reaction. If you know what’s coming, in advance, you can make certain allowances. You might decide not to make plans on Sunday. Or, if you decide to go ahead and do so anyway, you can do so compassionately, and not take his knee-jerk reaction so personally. Like the weather in Oregon, you might prefer that he cared less about watching sports, and you can certainly negotiate with him about the subject, but to become offended and upset seems a little self-defeating.

As I said before, I used to get frustrated when Kris was running even a little late. After a while, however, I learned that it was part of her nature. She becomes so immersed and enthusiastic in whatever she’s doing that she has a tendency to wait a little too long to get out the door.

But once it became predictable—and I accepted it—it became a nonissue. Why make a federal case out of something so minor when it’s so easy to make allowances for the predictability? I learned to bring a book, or some paperwork, or my cell phone, or I’d just be more patient, or whatever. If it was super important that she be on time, I’d just mention it, and she would make the extra effort to be on time. Whatever the issue, rather than saying, “I can’t believe he or she would do that,” you begin to think to yourself, “Of course he (or she) is going to do that. He always has in the past—why should this time be any different?” Again, this doesn’t mean you don’t care—only that you don’t freak out about it.

All of us have habits, quirks, and reactions that are fairly predictable. When you let them go—instead of hassling your partner about them—you may be surprised at how often the issues fade away on their own. People change and grow, usually without our involvement. Over the years, for example, Kris has become far more punctual. In fact, today I probably run late more often than she does. It’s a good thing I didn’t give her too hard a time—maybe she’ll be easy on me, too.