Chapter 78
Use Letters as a Communication Tool

Typically, when you confront someone, or when you need to have a serious discussion, it can be difficult to fully articulate your position, as well as to adequately express exactly why your position is so important to you, without your partner’s becoming at least slightly defensive. Before you have fully laid out your argument, your partner is already sharing (or at least thinking about) their concerns, objections, and comebacks. This is commonly referred to as a knee-jerk reaction, and it’s about as common as fur on a kitten. Sadly, most of us aren’t world-class listeners.

Therefore, in certain situations, writing a letter or a card can be an appropriate and powerful way to overcome this problem. A nondefensive and “from the heart” letter can be a wonderful way to communicate a concern, preference, desire, or potential solution. The effectiveness of the letter has nothing to do with how well you write. It has everything to do with how sincerely and lovingly you can jot down your feelings.

As the writer, you have the chance to think about and describe your position slowly and carefully, without the chance of being interrupted. The recipient of the letter (your partner) has the advantage of being able to read the letter as many times as is needed in order to fully understand where you are coming from. He or she can reflect upon it, or in some instances, even cool down before offering a response.

The first time this procedure worked for us was quite by accident. Our first child was less than a year old. Kris was spending most of her time dedicated to our baby, leaving little or no time for herself. I was working, attending school, and writing my first book. We were broke and both of us were sleep deprived. We were happy and very much in love—but, like most couples with young children, a little overwhelmed.

Although I was able to get away from home on occasion, it was almost always work-related. I had tried to communicate my desire to get away alone, but the timing was always poor. Kris, even more tired than I, was unable to embrace my desire to get away. In retrospect, of course, I can see why!

One day, when she was out with our daughter, I decided to write Kris a note. In essence, this is what I said: “I love you and our family more than anything in this world. Yet, my need to be alone and have some solitude is overwhelming me. I think it would be so good for me, and ultimately us, if I could get away, even for a few days. Any suggestions?”

When I returned home that night, I had all but forgotten the note. Kris, however, had not. In fact, she said that she had read my letter several times and that she had had no idea I was so in need of time alone. Unselfishly, she encouraged me to drive to the ocean, my favorite place on earth, and spend as much time as I needed to refresh myself. She said she was sorry she hadn’t thought of it before and wondered why I hadn’t discussed it with her.

Remember, from my perspective, I had tried to discuss the issue many times. However, with a crying baby girl and too many responsibilities to attend to, we were never able to discuss just how important this issue was to my sanity. What the letter did was to open and expand the dialogue for a topic that was difficult for me to discuss. Without it, I may not ever have been able to express my need so clearly.

Letters such as this are not intended to be a substitute for honest and courageous communication. Instead, they are best used to open the door to relationship-deepening communication or to complement the interactions you are already having.

We’ve met couples who have used similar types of letters to bring up a variety of issues—a concern about overspending, a differing perspective regarding disciplining the kids, or a frustration about an unfair distribution of chores.

We’ve found that it’s sometimes helpful to see your partner’s position in black and white. In doing so, we can discover things about our partner we weren’t even aware of. As long as the letter is written with love, respect, and sincerity, it’s hard to imagine that it wouldn’t be well received. And if you have no immediate concerns in which a letter might be helpful, congratulations. If this is the case, why not write a letter that simply says, “I love you”?