Chapter 80
Make a Plan to Become More Loving

It’s extremely helpful to have a well-thought-out plan in place to ensure that you will become a more loving person. This is one of those instances where the intent of your plan is critical. We’re not talking about creating a plan in order to get more love or to manipulate someone into loving you, but simply a plan designed to become the most loving person that you can become.

We always increase the odds of making something happen when we have a plan designed to take us where we want to go. For example, if we want to lose weight or become more physically fit, we create a diet or a fitness plan. In business, we create a business plan or a marketing plan or an advertising campaign—or we create sales goals. If we want to get through school, we map out a course plan. We decide which classes we need to take now so that we’ll be able to take other classes later on down the road. It’s almost always easier to get somewhere if you can master the steps along the way. Whenever you want to go from A to Z, it’s almost always easier if you have a plan.

Becoming a more loving person is no exception to this rule. In other words, having a plan—short-term goals and long-term goals—and working toward those goals usually pays enormous dividends in terms of becoming the type of person you want to become.

We’ve met hundreds of people—in fact, almost everyone we meet falls into this category—who want more love in their lives. Most can identify what their ideal partner would be like or the ways they would like their existing partner to change. Surprisingly few, however, have a plan designed to help themselves become more loving. Yet, ironically, while you have little if any capacity to change someone else, you do have a great deal of influence over your own destiny.

When I first met Steve, he was a nice guy but, in his words, “more than a little uptight.” He remembers being a somewhat poor listener, having a tendency to finish other people’s sentences, and being heavily invested in being “right.” He also described himself as being too reactive and tense, and almost always in a hurry. One of the things he had going for himself, however, was a sincere goal—and a long-term plan—to become a more loving human being. His plan included a commitment to becoming less stubborn and selfish while learning to be a more relaxed and grateful person.

He worked, daily, on his listening skills. He read books with differing points of view and practiced patience and gratitude. He took courses on communication and relationship skills, and he mastered several techniques on stress reduction, including yoga and meditation. These and other things helped him to make the changes he knew he wanted to make.

We watched him change, and over the years, he has become one of the most loving people we know. His presence is gentle and kind, and he has become one of the best and most patient listeners, as well as one of the most giving people, we’ve ever met. He is now happily married to a woman who is equally special. There’s no question that his “plan”—knowing where he wanted to go and who he wanted to become—played a significant part in his success.

We all have the capacity to change and to become the people we want to be. Without a plan, however, it can be difficult or confusing to make sustainable changes. Having a plan in place can help us make those changes and bring them to life, whatever they happen to be, and makes our journey seem more manageable. Good luck.