Chapter 83
Practice Regular Stress Prevention

There is a great deal that can be done, aside from dealing with your relationship, to help you become more relaxed and less reactive and to sweat the small stuff less often. Many of the most effective things you can do to become happier and more peaceful fall into a category that we like to call “stress prevention.”

Stress prevention involves any activity or attitude that is designed (or tends) to produce, on its own, a calmer and more accepting attitude toward life. What’s exciting and encouraging is that people who become more relaxed and peaceful—however they do it—are almost always able to bring that sense of peace into their relationships. They become more patient, kind, compassionate, and generous. In addition, they usually become better listeners and are able to take the ups and downs of relationships more in stride. Their behavior, in general, becomes more conducive to a loving relationship. They criticize less often, become less defensive and judgmental, dish out more compliments, become jealous less often, and are a lot easier to be around.

I once did an informal research study project that was designed to determine the effectiveness of various stress-reducing techniques. What I discovered was impressive but not surprising. It turned out that people who took a regular yoga or meditation class (once a week) were three times less likely to describe their relationships as being “stressful.” And even when they did complain about their relationships, the complaints were usually minor and discussed with a sense of humor and perspective. There was a slightly less dramatic, yet similar statistic for people who exercised regularly and took care of themselves, who took time out to relax or to read inspiring books, or who took the time on a regular basis to pray, congregate with like-minded people, reflect, or study spiritual literature. It was obvious to me (and probably is to you as well) that taking some time each day, whenever possible, to attend to your inner self, and to cultivate a sense of well-being, however you do it, pays enormous dividends in your personal life and in your relationships. Remember, we’re not talking about hours a day—more along the lines of thirty minutes or so.

Many people say, “I don’t have time to read, or practice yoga, or meditate, or go to church, or sit still, or get a massage, or exercise, or whatever.” Yet, when you get right down to it, if you want a loving relationship, it’s actually the other way around: You don’t have time NOT to do one or more of these kinds of things because when you do, the payoff is so substantial. And don’t forget, the reverse is also true. People who don’t do any of these things (or something else designed to ease stress and encourage perspective) are usually more tense, stubborn, and reactive, and can be difficult to be around.

We encourage you to explore, investigate, and try out your many stress-prevention options. There are stress-management courses in certain communities, people who offer massage and other forms of certified bodywork, dozens of different types of exercises, yoga and meditation classes, as well as many excellent books to read on these topics and others. I’ve heard of classes on optimism and other attitude-related perspectives, and I know that there are even a few classes on happiness itself, as I used to teach them myself.

I’ve found that I usually won’t make the time to take a yoga class, but I have several really good videos that allow me to practice in the privacy and comfort of my home, at the time of my choice. Kris, in addition to other things, loves to go jogging, and does so almost every day. One of the things we love to do together is to meditate for a few minutes each morning. We don’t make a really big deal out of any of these things. Yet, all of them, along with a positive mental outlook, help us to keep our stress levels under control and our sense of well-being fairly high. When you’re happy and relaxed, life tends to appear pretty darn good. When this is the case, it’s pretty difficult not to have an excellent relationship.