Chapter 86
Cast Away Jealousy (Kris)

Love is not jealous. Period. In fact, there is almost nothing that can suffocate a good feeling between two people faster, or with more certainty, than jealousy. It is, however, one of the easiest human emotions to understand. Jealousy stems from insecurity, and insecurity comes from feelings and thoughts of inadequacy. One of the only ways a person can create feelings of inadequacy is to first compare himself or herself to others.

There seem to be two essential ingredients that will help you cast jealousy out of your life. First and foremost, it’s important to accept the fact that there is always going to be someone out there who has something you do not—more money, better looks, greater charisma, a longer list of achievements, or whatever. So what? Good for them. Stop comparing yourself to others and you’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll feel about yourself. Remember, you have also been gifted with unique talents and attributes that others don’t enjoy. Spend your mental energy focusing on these gifts, and be grateful for your own ability to make a contribution.

Second, in your relationships, try to embrace the idea that one person will not fill all of your needs, nor will you fill all of theirs. And that’s okay. This is hard for many people to accept, as it brings up feelings of inadequacy. It’s a nice fantasy to think of yourself as being on an island with the one perfect person of your dreams, but we don’t live that way and neither were we meant to.

We are here to share our life energy with others; to grow and be nurtured, to nurture and grow. Sometimes that means having relationships and friendships of the opposite sex even though we are committed to our partner. I am, of course, speaking of platonic friendship. Allowing your partner to choose his or her friendships based not on gender, but on preference, is one of the greatest gifts you can give. By doing so, you are, in effect, acknowledging that you don’t own your partner; you are merely fortunate to be chosen as the most special person in his or her life to spend time with. With your actions, you show a trust so deep it reaches to the heart of your commitment as a couple.

Recently, I made plans to have coffee with an old friend who happens to be a boyfriend from long ago. It had been ten years since I had seen him, and for whatever reason, it felt very important to me to reconnect with him. I felt perfectly comfortable sharing this with Richard, knowing that, without a doubt, he trusts me completely and would not feel insecure in any way. Richard’s first priority in our relationship has always been my happiness. He isn’t concerned about what form that happens to take. He confirmed his feelings of trust by not questioning me or feeling insecure; instead, he encouraged me to go and have fun, as I knew he would. I have always marveled at his personal stability and have tried to mirror that same feeling of trust.

We both have many friendships. Some are together, as a couple, and some are separate. All of these relationships help to round out our lives and fulfill us in different ways. I would be crazy to think that I could be all things to Richard. To deny him his chosen friendships, male or female, would seem selfish, insecure, and cruel.

Most of us have witnessed firsthand how jealousy has smothered a relationship. When you find yourself feeling insecure or having feelings of inadequacy, try to gently reflect on your thoughts. See if you are busy comparing yourself to others. Are you making up stories that exist only in your mind? Tell yourself that it’s okay that you cannot fill all of your partner’s needs, and remind yourself how and why your partner chose you as that special person to share his life with. If you can cast away jealousy, you will experience a freedom from insecurity that will nurture your relationship forever.