Chapter 93
Stay Away from Comparisons

Shortly after our first child was born, we were at a friend’s house having dinner with a small group of people. At some point during the evening our friend Cassie said to several others, “I wish David (her husband) would spend more time with our children like Richard does.” Her husband overheard the comment and was furious. He interpreted her words to mean that she felt that I loved and prioritized my child more than he loved his, which was not only ridiculous, but would predictably anger most parents as well. Sadly, that was the beginning of the end of that friendship.

As is almost always the case, the comparison was ludicrous and unfair, like apples and oranges. I was self-employed and had a great deal of control over my schedule. I also worked less than fifteen minutes from home. David, on the other hand, worked for a giant company and had very little control over his schedule—if he wanted to keep his job. To make matters worse, his commute was well over an hour each way.

I’m certain that, in reality, our friend meant no harm by her comment. She was merely expressing her frustration that David couldn’t spend more time with the kids. She also thought it was nice that I not only could make the time, but chose to spend lots of time with our child.

Unfortunately, however, all of that innocent, accurate, and legitimate explanation was, and usually is, meaningless. Once you compare someone who loves you to someone else, you’ve opened the door for potential trouble. If you think about it, it makes sense. Most of us want to be loved for who we are. It’s a bit insulting to think that our partner wishes we were more like someone else. Hopefully, comparing your partner to someone else isn’t going to make or break your relationship. Yet, it’s one of those actions that has little, if any, upside.

There is another side of the coin to be aware of as well. If you’re on the receiving end of a comparison, try not to “sweat it.” Instead, try to see the innocence in your partner and let it go. Realize that, in most cases, when your partner compares you to someone else, they are merely expressing a temporary dissatisfaction in their own life. In Cassie’s case, she was longing for her husband to have more free time with the kids. She knew it wasn’t his fault. Had David seen the innocence in her comments, his reaction probably would have been much softer and more reflective. In fact, seen from a certain perspective, it could have led the two of them to some very deep and important communication about their priorities as a family.

We believe this strategy is a good one to tuck away on your permanent “back burner” of good ideas. We’ve yet to meet someone who appreciates being compared (in a deficient sort of way) to someone else. Nor do we expect to any time soon. Comparisons are indeed something we should all stay away from.