Yipes! Absurd. Never! These are some of the first thoughts that might come to mind with the mere mention of learning from a teen (or an even younger person). How could a teen possibly teach us something about love?
It’s an interesting exercise to think back to the first time you fell in love. Your parents and other adults probably labeled it “puppy love.” Your feelings were most likely minimized or even dismissed. But think for a moment about those feelings and, when you do, be as honest as you can with yourself.
Wasn’t it true that when you first fell in love, you could spend virtually every moment of the day with that special person—and never feel bored or preoccupied? Then, the moment you got home, you probably couldn’t wait to talk to him or her on the phone. When you couldn’t be together, you were thinking of each other. You could, as the cliché suggests, “gaze into each other’s eyes.” Hours apart felt like an eternity. Your every thought surrounded that person.
To your parents, of course, that wasn’t “real love.” No way. Theirs was the real thing! Sure, they may have bickered most of the time. More than likely they never expressed the slightest affection for one another and, in fact, didn’t even appear to even like each other much of the time. They argued frequently and appeared to avoid spending time together. Far from gazing into each other’s eyes, they rarely made eye contact. But, despite these facts, their relationship was defined as a “love relationship,” whereas yours was a passing fancy.
Obviously, there are usually legitimate differences between the typical “first love” and a mature, committed relationship—hormones, age, time spent together, familiarity, level of responsibility, to name just a few. And we’re not minimizing the effects of these factors. Nevertheless, there are at least a few key relationship boosters that can serve us grownups well. Two, in particular, stand out.
Attentiveness is a quality that seems to disappear over time. It’s interesting to watch how attentive youngsters can be in their relationships. Recently, I saw two young people in love sitting together on a park bench. It was a windy day and some hair had blown into the young girl’s eye. The young man gently reached over and pulled the hair out of her eye, which brought forth a beautiful smile of gratitude. Just then, the wind blew her folder off the bench, scattering papers all around. Immediately, without even thinking, he jumped up, gathered the papers for her, and returned to his seat. Just watching them made me smile. In fact, it reminded me that I hadn’t brought Kris flowers for quite a while, and I decided to do so that evening.
On the bench directly across from the young couple was a more serious-looking duo. Because of the way they were acting and the rings on their fingers, I’m assuming they were married. It was a little funny to witness their reactions to the same wind. Whereas to the young couple, the wind was a chance to be attentive and to do nice things for one another, to the married couple, it was nothing but a source of irritation. Similar opportunities to be attentive presented themselves but were never acted on. In a word, they were grouchy. It was one of those sad scenes that could send a negative message about marriage and commitment.
The other consistent quality we have observed about teens in love is enthusiasm. It’s almost magical to observe the zest and aliveness that many young people bring to a relationship. When we talk to our teenage babysitters about their boyfriends, it’s fun to hear them describe how wonderful and exciting everything is. A phone call or simple note is seen as a gift. In comparison, when you listen to conversations in the men’s locker room at the health club, you’d get the impression marriage was boring, habitual, and lifeless. I’ve yet to listen to one man discuss his wife in a truly enthusiastic, upbeat manner. Several times, I’ve left with a feeling of sadness.
It’s interesting to consider how contagious enthusiasm can be to a relationship. In other words, when you speak, think, and act enthusiastically, you’ll usually notice a corresponding reaction from your partner. When you’re happy, upbeat, and enthused about life, it will rub off. On the other hand, when you’re heavy-hearted and serious, and when you lack genuine enthusiasm, you’ll encourage those types of feelings from your partner, as well.
It’s just something to think about! So, if you can get beyond the logical explanations of why adult, “committed” relationships must be so different from those of young teens, you might actually learn something. The two of us certainly have—and there isn’t a day that goes by that we aren’t grateful for these insights.