Chapter 97
Allow Your Partner the Space to “Lose it” Every Once in a While

It doesn’t matter who you are or how little you “sweat it,” there are probably going to be times when life just plain gets to you. There is something so refreshing and freeing about being with someone who allows you the space to “lose it” every once in a while—without judging you, correcting you, lecturing you, or trying to talk you out of it. It seems that when you’re in the presence of someone who doesn’t freak out when you freak out, there is often a calming transference that takes place. It helps you relax, regain your perspective, and get over whatever it was you were so upset about.

I don’t seem to lose it very often. I’m lucky in that. Not always, but most of the time, I’m happy and content. One of the nice perks about being in a relationship with Kris, however, is that when I do lose it, it has little, if any, effect on her. Rather than becoming reactive, she remains compassionate and just takes it in stride. I remember asking her once, “Why doesn’t it upset you when I fall apart?” Her answer has always stuck with me and, in fact, has helped me to keep my perspective and sense of humor during many such “emotional tests.” She said, “I don’t see any reason why you should be exempt from the rest of us.” What she was getting at, of course, was that we’re all in essentially the same boat. We’re all doing the best that we can, but the truth is, all of us have unique problems, troubles, pressures, issues, fears, and concerns. So what else is new? Sometimes when I’m really frustrated and wishing my troubles would disappear, I ask myself the same question: “Richard, why should you be exempt from the rest of us?” Try it sometime—it really puts things into perspective.

The next time your partner “loses it” over something that’s truly not an emergency, try this experiment. Rather than becoming upset or overly concerned about your partner’s frustration, just stay calm. Be compassionate, yet don’t react. Allow them to vent, yell, complain, or anything else (within reason) that they seem to need to do.

You might be pleasantly surprised at the result. In many instances, your partner may sense your peace of mind and begin to relax. Often, when people express their frustration, there is a sense that it’s not okay to do so. If you can remain relatively unaffected, your partner may feel a sense of relief they have never felt before, a sense that they were listened to without judgment and that they were given the space to be human. It’s strange because you don’t have to do anything—except be there for your partner. In fact, it’s more a matter of what you don’t do that’s ultimately so powerful.

In a strange way, I think I lose it less often simply because I know in my heart that it would be okay if I did. I imagine that if I felt insecure about expressing my feelings around Kris, it would create additional pressure to deal with.

So, we hope you’ll experiment with this idea. It’s very comforting to be around someone who allows you to “lose it” every once in a while. The act of remaining calm will almost always bring the two of you even closer together.