Hugh tapped on Annie’s door, bottle of wine in one hand, bunch of white and yellow flowers tucked under his arm.
Leonie flung the door open. ‘Hi, Hugh. Come in. We’re deciding what to order.’
She darted away before he could offer the wine or the flowers. He followed her through to the living area. James and Annie sat at the kitchen bench studying a takeaway menu. Annie looked up with a tiny smile. It lacked the usual warmth he’d begun to take for granted. Did she resent this invasion? Her shoulders sagged, she looked exhausted.
‘Hi.’
He put the wine on the bench and held out the flowers.
‘Hello. I thought these might brighten up this gloomy day for you, ladies.’
‘Oh, how lovely. Thank you.’ Leonie smiled. ‘I’ve packed my vases. You’ll have to find one of yours, Annie.’
Annie slid off the stool and opened a cupboard. Hugh joined her at the sink where she was filling a glass decanter with water.
‘They don’t have much scent, I’m afraid.’
‘They’re very pretty,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’
‘Are you all right?’ he murmured, although Leonie and James were discussing what to order and not interested in anything beyond each other anyway. Annie’s movements were jerky and her posture stiffly unnatural.
‘I’m tired and the kids are both sick.’
‘Like me to take a look?’
Her startled eyes swung to his face, her shoulders relaxed. ‘I don’t think they’re seriously ill. Mattie has a slight temperature but Floss just has a cold starting.’
‘I don’t mind checking on them.’
‘Would you? I’m a tiny bit worried about Mattie but I don’t want to take advantage of you. I wasn’t going to ask.’
‘I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to. Do you have a thermometer?’
‘Yes. I’ll get it.’ Hugh followed her to the bedrooms.
‘What do you two want to eat?’ Leonie said.
‘Mongolian Lamb,’ called Annie. ‘We can boil our own rice.’
‘Crispy Skin Chicken with chilli sauce, please,’ said Hugh. He nipped into the bathroom and washed his hands then joined Annie.
Mattie lay pale-faced and still, eyes closed. His breathing was featherlight, barely lifting his chest but rasping slightly. He was, sensibly, in the bottom bunk.
‘He only ate a couple of mouthfuls of soup,’ Annie said. ‘Darling, are you awake? Hugh’s here to look at you. He’s a doctor.’
The eyes flickered open but he barely raised a smile.
‘Hello, Mattie. Can you open your mouth, please?’ Hugh took the thermometer and popped it into Mattie’s mouth. He touched his hand to his forehead. Clammy and hot. Opened his pyjama jacket. No rash. Felt under his armpits and jaw. Slightly swollen lymph nodes. Fighting an infection.
‘Does he have any health problems? Asthma, allergies?’
‘No.’ She looked at him anxiously then her attention returned to Mattie.
‘Has he complained of a stiff neck?’
‘No.’
He closed the pyjama buttons and pulled the covers up. ‘I think you’re right, he’s got the garden variety flu.’ He whipped the thermometer out. ‘Only up a degree. He needs to stay in bed and drink plenty of fluids. He can have paracetamol if the fever goes up any more. A cool sponge on the face and neck helps.’
Annie heaved a deep sigh. ‘Thanks, Hugh.’
He studied her. Dark shadows under the eyes. None of the usual sparkle. Weary slump to the shoulders now, after that earlier tension. ‘You take care of yourself,’ he said. ‘You need to wash your hands after dealing with him, and keep his cups and things separate. We don’t want you getting sick too.’
‘Oh cripes, no.’
‘Do you want me to take a look at Floss?’ As he spoke he returned to the bathroom and washed again. ‘Where is she?’
‘In my bed. I thought it was safer to have Mattie on the bottom and Floss is too little to be up there.’
‘Very wise.’
Hugh tried to focus on the child in the bed and not stare round Annie’s bedroom. Floss was asleep. A sweetly innocent curve to her lips, red gold hair spread across the pillow. Hugh touched his hand lightly to her forehead. Normal.
‘She ate all her soup and two pieces of toast,’ Annie said from the doorway. ‘I’ll have crumbs in my bed.’
Pale blue sheets and a navy blue self patterned cover. What did she wear to bed? Something from the same catalogue as those knickers? A sensible white towelling robe across the foot of the bed indicated otherwise.
‘Doesn’t sound too ill.’ He sent her a smile.
‘No, she’s not. I’ll try to keep them apart so she doesn’t get it too.’ She rubbed her hands over her face and groaned. Wisps had escaped from the neatly coiled up hair. He wanted to stroke the silky dark strands clear of her face, ease the tension and worry from her forehead. Hold her, kiss her.
‘Don’t worry about them they’ll be fine. They’re basically strong, healthy children.’ He stepped towards her unable to stifle the need to be close.
‘I know. It’s just…this is the last thing I need right now. On top of everything.’ She looked past him at Floss, dragged in a tired breath.
‘You need a glass of wine and food right now.’ Hugh placed his hands on her shoulders and twisted her around to face the hallway. She didn’t resist which surprised him a bit, but she wasn’t bouncing with energy so perhaps she was simply too tired. Her skin was warm and softly pliable, inviting him to slide his hands down her body, explore the curves. Instead he let his fingers linger briefly then followed her to the living room where she dropped onto the couch with a sigh.
‘Are they all right?’ asked Leonie.
‘Yes. Mattie has the flu but he’ll be fine after a few days in bed.’
‘Hope I don’t get it.’ Leonie grimaced.
‘I don’t think any of us want to get it,’ Hugh said mildly. ‘Make sure you wash your hands after contact.’ He opened the bottle of wine he’d brought and filled the four wine glasses ready on the bench, took one to Annie. He sat next to her, close enough to brush against her body when he moved.
‘You won’t need to go near him,’ said Annie to Leonie. He couldn’t tell from her tone if she was annoyed or not. Leonie wasn’t the most tactful person he’d met, but selfish people seldom were. ‘Best not to.’
‘We’ve ordered dinner. James and I will go and collect it in ten minutes. Keep an eye on the rice, we’ll put it in when we leave.’
Leonie raised her glass. ‘Here’s to a rapid recovery for Mattie and Floss.’
‘Here, here.’ Annie said. ‘And bon voyage, Leonie.’
‘Bon voyage.’
‘What will you do on Monday if Mattie is still sick?’ asked Hugh.
‘Take the day off without pay. No choice.’ She glanced at Leonie. ‘And that’s another reason for moving in with Kevin again.’
‘You’re really doing that?’ Wine slopped onto Hugh’s knee as surprise jolted through him.
‘Annie thinks she has no choice on that either,’ said Leonie.
‘But you do!’ He put the glass down carefully and went to get a sponge from the kitchen. ‘Don’t you?’
‘Like what?’ Annie twisted around, glaring at him over the back of the couch. ‘Leonie thinks I should rent a place I can afford, which would be a two bedroom flat miles away from school and work.’
‘Or share with someone,’ Leonie put in.
‘That’s what I’m planning to do,’ Annie shot back. ‘Why is it better to share with a total stranger than their father?’
‘Because he walked out on you before. Who’s to say he won’t do the same thing again?’
‘Who’s to say any share person won’t? You’re leaving. Things happen, circumstances change. People change.’
‘You really think he’s changed?’ asked Hugh from the kitchen. He dabbed at the wine stain. Lucky it wasn’t red. Why was she even considering this? It was madness. He tossed the sponge back on the sink and returned to the couch.
She looked him square in the eye. ‘Yes I do.’
James stood up. ‘We’d better go and collect dinner.’
Leonie sprang up and grabbed her jacket and bag.
‘How much do we owe you?’ Hugh asked.
‘Sort it out later. Back soon.’
The door slammed.
‘They’re getting on extremely well,’ he said.
‘James said they only met last night.’
‘They did. Strange, isn’t it? Considering they’ve both lived here for ages.’ He crossed his legs and leaned back. Annie had relaxed a tad but still had an edge to her, as if she wanted to say something but wasn’t game, or was sitting on an uncomfortable secret. ‘I didn’t think James would be her type. Too young, too enthusiastically positive about life, whereas Leonie’s quite cynical.’
She shot him a sideways glance, almost puzzled. ‘You don’t seem very fussed about it.’
‘Why should I be? Good luck to them.’
‘Did you see Leonie last night? She went down to say goodbye.’
‘Only briefly. I was on call and had to leave. James said they stayed up talking for hours.’
‘Oh.’ To his surprise she burst out laughing. Helpless laughter which doubled her over and made tears run down her cheeks. Rather extreme. Perhaps it was because she was overwrought and tired.
He waited until she stopped then said, ‘Why is that funny?’
‘Umm. Leonie rarely does that. Talks to a man. For hours. In fact I’d say it was unheard of.’
‘And you think that’s funny.’ He tilted his head, considering. ‘I suppose it is. A bit. James doesn’t usually talk too much either when faced with an attractive, available woman. I thought he’d whip her into bed for some mutually agreeable exercise and be relieved when she moved out of the country.’
‘Sounds like Leonie’s method. The last thing she wants is to see the guy the next day.’
He nodded. ‘They’ve been quite domestic. He took the day off work to help her organise her packing and they spent half the morning downstairs calling removalists for quotes.’
Annie picked up her glass and took a sip. Something about the way the life had returned to her body, the unrestrained laughter made him say, ‘You didn’t think she was talking to me all that time last night, did you? Or not talking.’
It would explain the initial coolness. Jealousy. His heart flopped and thumped at such a possibility but he covered the flare of hope with a snorting laugh and raised eyebrow. Then he remembered this woman wasn’t for him. Too many problems, too many children. Plus the kicker — she didn’t want him, not the way he wanted her.
‘I thought it would be unusual for her. I don’t know about you.’ A tide of pink glowed on her throat. ‘I should put the rice on. Leonie forgot.’ She sprang to her feet and was in the kitchen before he could grab her hand.
‘You confuse me, Annie.’ Hugh stood as well. He ran his hands through his hair.
‘Why? I think my position is pretty clear.’ She adjusted the heat under the boiling water, measured rice into a cup and dumped it in.
‘I think you’re more confused than anyone.’ That wasn’t what he’d meant at all. She confused him the way a teenage boy is confused by the beautiful girl next door but he couldn’t tell her that. She tied his hormones in knots while his brain said ‘stay away.’
‘That’s what I said! I said my position is clear, not what I need to do about it.’ She grabbed a fork and stirred the rice furiously. ‘It’s not an easy decision to make.’
‘You’re an intelligent, level-headed woman, but you’re panicking and running back to a husband and a situation that you know from experience is all wrong.’ He couldn’t keep the exasperation from his voice. It was ridiculous, why couldn’t she see that?
‘It’s best for Mattie and Floss.’ The fork landed in the sink with a clatter.
‘What about you? When I first met you, you thought the guy may as well be dead. You hated him.’
‘I’m not important. They are. They need stability and the best home I can offer them. They love their father even if I don’t. I’ll manage. He’s different now. I don’t hate him anymore, I understand what was wrong with the marriage…’ Her voice trailed away into an unconvincingly hopeful silence. She wiped the already clean bench with the sponge.
Hugh lowered his voice. He had to convince her. ‘Annie, believe me; I know what a home is like when parents don’t love each other. It’s horrible and children know when something’s bad. They’re not stupid and yours are already sensitive to stress. It can do far more harm than good.’
Still she kept her back turned. ‘I thought you said your father died when you were little.’
‘He did. I was six, but it wasn’t a happy marriage. I don’t remember much but I do remember lots of yelling, and slamming doors or not speaking to each other for days at a time.’
She stirred the rice again then faced him, soft with sympathy. ‘And then you had a stepfather who hated you. What a miserable childhood, Hugh. Parents owe it to their children to give them as much happiness as they can. Stepparents should try twice as hard.’
Hugh opened his mouth but the words jammed in his throat. His breath came hard in his chest. If he was to tell her, now was the time. Annie was a compassionate and loving woman. She’d understand, or at least forgive.
‘He had a reason for hating me.’ Would she hate him too when he told her? Too late now, he’d begun. She was listening, waiting with a sweetly concerned expression.
‘What possible reason could he have for hating a six year old?’
‘He didn’t at first. Not that he ever…’ He drew a deep breath and launched into the story. ‘Mum married quite soon after Dad died. She and Paul had known each other before, maybe had an ongoing affair. I don’t know, it seems likely now. She had two children close together. Emily and Mark.’ He clamped his lips hard to prevent the tremble. ‘When I was twelve, Mum and Paul started going out and leaving me to mind them instead of a sitter.’
‘At twelve? That’s too young.’ She was frowning, already sympathising.
He shrugged. ‘They didn’t think so. Mark was five and Emily four.’ He sucked in a deep breath. ‘One night they were out and we were all in bed. I was asleep and I thought they both were too but Mark wasn’t. He was playing with matches in his room and…’ He stopped, ran his tongue over suddenly dry lips.
‘He started a fire?’ Annie’s fingers pressed against her mouth, eyes wide with horror. He closed his eyes and the memory rushed back, vivid and terrifying.
‘I woke up and the house was full of smoke. I didn’t know where I was or what to do. It was a two storey place and we were upstairs. I panicked. I could hear screaming but I couldn’t see and the smoke was thick, choking me. I remembered hearing somewhere the thing to do was put something over your nose and mouth, lie on the floor and crawl, so I did that and got out to the hallway and found the stairs. I fell down them and the next thing I knew someone pulled me outside and I could breath. It was the man from next door.’
‘And the children?’ Her voice was a whisper.
‘Mark died. Emily survived.’
‘And your stepfather blamed you?’
‘I was in charge of them.’ Simple as that. ‘I was responsible.’
‘You were twelve and you were in bed asleep!’
‘I understand now why he blamed me. He had to blame someone. It was too horrible to bear otherwise. He never really accepted me. I was a nuisance right from the start.’
‘And you blame yourself too, don’t you?’
‘Twelve is old enough to stop a five year old playing with matches. He’d done it before. I should have checked but I didn’t. I was tired and I had to get up early the next morning. I was cross with them, they were mucking around and I yelled at them to get into bed and be quiet and leave me alone.’
She regarded him steadily. ‘Is that why you don’t want children?’
He nodded slowly. ‘I can’t face the responsibility.’
‘But you take responsibility every day for people’s lives.’
‘But I have some control there. I’m trained and I’m good at my job and there’s a whole medical and nursing staff to back me up. I like to help people. I want to. Maybe it’s a way of compensating for Mark. I don’t know.’
Annie’s arms slid around his body. She hugged him close, the way she would her children. An instinctive, warm, comforting, motherly embrace. He rested his cheek on her smooth hair, eyes closed, revelling in the scent of her, the feel of her in his arms, her arms around him.
‘What a terrible thing to carry all your life. But it was an accident. A horrendous accident.’
‘Intellectually, as an adult, I know that, but deep down I feel I’m responsible and I can’t convince myself I’m not. I doubt I ever will.’
Annie sighed into his chest. This felt perfect, safe, secure. She could stay right here forever with Hugh protecting her from the world. And she protecting him, helping him. What a nightmare he’d been through, and to some extent was still living in. If this was his objection to children surely she could help him through it?
Something hissed on the stove; the rice bubbling over in a messy white foam.
‘Whoops.’ She extricated herself reluctantly and grabbed the saucepan, added water, stirred vigorously. ‘What about your mother? Did she blame you as well? You were her son.’
‘My mother collapsed completely when Mark died. She wasn’t ever a forceful woman and Paul totally dominated her. He was a bully. She just gave in to him when he said I should be sent to my uncle in Australia so she could concentrate on Emily. It was as far away as I could possibly be.’ He added with a bitter twist to his mouth, ‘I remember her saying to me, “It’s for the best.” The best for who?’
‘But it was better, wasn’t it? You were happy with James and his family.’
‘I was, but I would have preferred to live with my mother.’
She said carefully, ‘Did you ever think she may have sent you away even though she really wanted to keep you with her? She must have known how miserable you were and how he couldn’t forgive you. That would have been an intolerable situation for everyone. It was the best for you and she did it unselfishly, she did it for you. To protect you from that hatred.’
His whole body radiated disdain. He literally withdrew into himself before her eyes. ‘And you think you’re doing the same for your own children? Being unselfish? It’s a completely different scenario. My mother wasn’t being selfless; she was just too weak to stand up to the bastard. You’re not weak, you’re strong but you’re acting weak. Don’t be spineless, Annie.’
‘How did my situation come into this? I didn’t mention me, you did.’
‘You’ve no idea what it’s like to have your mother send you away because it’d be easier for everyone not to have you around.’ Bitterness turned his eyes hard as stones.
‘No, I don’t, but I know what it’s like to want do anything for my children’s happiness.’
‘How can they possibly be happy if you’re not?’
‘I’ll see to it that they are.’
‘Christ, Annie!’ Hugh raised his arms and dropped them to his sides. ‘You’re not defined by your motherhood. There’s more to you than your children.’
Rage roared up inside her and she didn’t bother trying to stop it. ‘You and Leonie are exactly the same. You both think it’s so simple. Being a single parent is bloody hard! I don’t want to do it by myself anymore, and why should I just because two single people, both of whom admit they don’t want the responsibility of their own children, think they can tell me what I should do? And you were telling me children need their fathers a while ago. Make up your mind. Jeepers, I’ve had it with both of you!’ She snatched up the fork and scooped up a few grains of rice to test. Done. She flicked the gas off and faced him with her arms folded tightly across her chest. ‘Neither of you have offered an alternative solution either.’
‘I said I’d share with you,’ he said tightly.
‘As a last resort. Think it through, Hugh. What exactly would you be offering? Would you share childminding, school pick-ups, babysit them when I want to go out? Be responsible for them?’ She leaned on responsible.
He didn’t reply. Couldn’t, of course, because he hadn’t thought of anything. He thought offering a roof was enough. He wasn’t a parent. He carefully wasn’t suggesting they share more than a roof, either. She forged on, ‘Because that’s what their father will do and unless you can top that just…be quiet.’
Hugh stared at her, jaw clenched.
Annie ignored his momentarily hurt feelings, his upset at having his suggestion so roundly dismissed. She had to hammer this home while she had the chance. Make him understand how insensitive he was being. ‘I’m a woman with two children, you’re a man who doesn’t want the responsibility of children. I’d rather not start in on something that would lead nowhere.’ Might as well give him a hint of how she really felt, make him see exactly why she had to say no. ‘Something that would be for me…ultimately…heartbreaking. I’ve had enough of that. Why would I deliberately put myself in that position with a man who…’
She stopped, unable to say it, incapable of baldly stating the fact she could fall in love with him — would fall in love with him if they shared a house.
‘But Annie, you’re setting yourself up for exactly that all over again.’
She turned her head as a tear crept onto her lid. He wasn’t listening properly, he’d gone along the same old track and missed her point completely, the dense idiot.
The door burst open. ‘Hi, we’re back.’ Leonie and James charged in laden with carry bags. ‘Rice ready?’
‘Yes.’ Annie took the colander from the cupboard and strained the rice.
‘It’s really foul out there,’ said James. ‘Good night for staying in.’
Thank goodness they were both so absorbed in each other the black haze of tension went unnoticed.
‘Where’s my wine?’ Leonie said.
‘Where you left it.’ Hugh went to the living room and collected the wine glasses.
‘Haven’t finished the bottle, have you?’ asked James.
‘No.’ Hugh poured him a glass.
Annie collected plates, chopsticks and serving spoons and set the table while Leonie unpacked the food. ‘Sit down. Let’s eat.’
‘Wow, Leonie you’re a whizz with chopsticks,’ said James. ‘I’m hopeless.’
‘You either learn or starve in Asia,’ she said. ‘Hold them like this.’
Annie concentrated on serving herself rice while Leonie and James laughed and played about with his chopsticks. She passed the spoon to Hugh. He took it with a muttered, ‘Thanks.’
‘You two are very quiet,’ said Leonie.
‘We’re eating,’ said Hugh.
Leonie caught Annie’s eye but Annie refused to play and said, ‘This Mongolian Lamb is really good.’ No way was she opening that can of worms and have both of them at her again. She’d had enough.
‘James will take me to the airport on Sunday,’ Leonie said.
‘Okay. That’ll be good if Mattie is still sick.’
‘I could come up and mind him,’ Hugh said.
‘What if you were called in to the hospital?’ Annie flung him a quick glance. What was that in aid of? Trying to show he wasn’t anti-child?
‘I won’t be. I was on call yesterday.’
‘No need.’ James helped himself to a massive serve of chilli beef and vegetables. ‘I’m taking her.’
‘Where are you up to with the packing?’ asked Annie.
‘I’ve booked the movers for when I come back, so at least I’ve made a start. I’ll leave these boxes in my room. I should be able to clear my books and CDs tomorrow and I’ll take another suitcase of clothes with me.’
‘Do you have somewhere to live in Tokyo?’ asked Hugh.
‘Not yet. I’m staying with someone from work until I can find a place.’
‘So I should really move out at the same time, shouldn’t I?’ said Annie. ‘It’d be easiest for you if this place was empty.’
Hugh ate studiously but waves of disapproval emanated from his body in a radioactive cloud. Too bad.
‘No, it will just sit here empty for a few weeks otherwise.’
Annie chewed a piece of beef slowly. She’d have to get Kevin onto the househunt with her as soon as possible otherwise Hugh would be pestering her about her decision, and she really didn’t want to think about any of it anymore.
Annie phoned Kevin that night, after Hugh had left and James was with Leonie, sitting close together on the couch, wishing they were alone. James clearly was, anyway. It was hard to judge from Leonie’s expression what she was thinking.
Floss was fast asleep but Annie took her phone to the bathroom just in case. She peeped in at Mattie and he too was asleep. His breathing rasped softly but his forehead felt cool to the touch. If he stayed in bed tomorrow he might not get worse. Fingers crossed.
She closed the bathroom door and sat on the side of the bath to dial.
‘It’s Annie.’
‘Hi.’ Music in the background. Sounded like Kylie Minogue. Did Kevin like Kylie Minogue? Not that she remembered.
‘Kevin, I think we should look for a house as soon as possible. Leonie is moving soon and I want to leave here when she does.’
‘Hang on.’ Something rustled and scraped in her ear, as though he’d put his hand over the receiver. ‘I’ll have a look online and let you know tomorrow. How are the kids?’ The music had faded to a murmur but voices sounded in the background. He had company or was visiting.
‘Mattie has the flu and Floss has a cold.’
‘They’re sick? Why didn’t you tell me?’
The sheer idiocy of the question made her gasp. ‘You’re kidding, of course.’ Whose benefit was that for? His guests? Trying to act like the concerned father dealing with a stroppy, difficult bitch of a wife.
His voice hardened. ‘No, I’m not kidding!’
‘Do you know how many times they were sick while you weren’t here?’ she hissed. ‘Didn’t bother you then, did it?’
‘That’s beside the point. I’m here now and I’m their father. I have a right to know.’ Definitely had an audience at the other end.
‘If one of them develops a life threatening disease I’ll tell you. Happy?’
‘Are you going to be like this when we move back in together, Annie?’
She dragged in a deep lungful of air and exhaled it slowly before she replied. ‘I have to stay home with them this weekend. Can you do a preliminary house check? If you find something decent let me know and I’ll have a look.’
‘Fine. Is that all? I’m at a dinner party.’
‘Yes. Goodnight.’
He disconnected.
Annie sat for a long time. What was she doing moving in with him? They’d fight and just as Hugh said, the kids would suffer. They’d picked at each other before he moved out.
But moving in together wouldn’t mess up the divorce. She’d checked with one of the lawyers at work. A no-fault divorce. They could live in the same house and as long as they could prove they weren’t living as a couple it was fine. That wouldn’t be hard to prove, given Kevin’s recent declaration.
They had two weeks to go for the year to be up. The year and a day to be accurate. She had the forms filled out ready to lodge — a joint application. Thank goodness he’d agreed to that. If they kept their lives separate except for the children maybe it would work. And she could re-enrol in the MBA course. The cut-off for second semester was fast approaching.
Eventually her bottom began to complain about the hard chill of the bathtub and she stood up.
What would Hugh be thinking about her statement of the facts as she saw them? She’d as good as told him he could break her heart. He hadn’t had a chance to reply. He may never reply. He may not have understood.
‘There’s a house in Woollahra that looks okay,’ Kevin said the next morning. ‘The agent can meet us there at six thirty this evening. Can you make it?’
‘I’ve had the day off work. Mattie’s still sick so I’ll have to get someone to mind them. I’ll let you know if I can’t make it.’
He read out the address. ‘See you there.’
‘Kevin, I want to finish my MBA but I need to enrol soon for second semester.’
‘So? What are you asking?’
‘I want to know I can rely on you to mind the kids when I have lectures. I want to know I won’t have to pull out again because I can’t afford to pay the fees because you’ve done another bunk.’
He sighed, a vast, deep sigh of resignation and tolerance at her hysterical overreaction. ‘You have my word.’
‘Thank you.’ For what it was worth.
Annie put the phone down. Maybe Hugh or James could pop up for an hour. Luckily Floss was fine and headed off to school this morning, the pick-up and after school drop-off courtesy of her friend Sarah’s mother.
She recommenced cleaning the bathroom. One thing about staying home, she couldn’t avoid the housework. When this was done she’d get straight onto the uni website and sign up for next semester. All that study on top of her job would keep her away from Kevin in their new house. There’d be no time for socialising, or pretending to, with him and his buddies.
Housing was hard to come by, especially in this area. If they missed out it might be a while before something else turned up. Kevin knew what was required. They’d lived together for long enough and did have similar views on such things.
Lived together. Living together. Annie’s rubber gloved hand froze over the taps. A wave of nausea swirled through her stomach and she sat down on the edge of the bath. She didn’t want to live with Kevin. Theoretically it was a good solution, but as the reality came closer, it was horrifying.
But she still had the same problem. In a month she and the kids would have to find somewhere else to live and the sort of house she wanted was beyond her means. Share with someone, Leonie said. Looked like she’d have to, or cram them all into a two bedroom apartment. They’d survive. Kevin could have plenty of access, the kids would cope. The MBA could wait. Annie sighed and stood up. She stripped off the gloves and packed away the cleaning gear. Time to do some househunting of her own.
First there was a phone call to make.
Kevin was furious. ‘What the hell? What do you think you’re doing, Annie? Where are you going to take my children to live? Some squalid dump of a place with no room to move?’
‘You walked out on us Kevin. Don’t you dare question my ability to care for my children.’
‘Our children. It’s because I’m gay, isn’t it, Annie? Admit it. You’re worried about exposing the kids to my gay friends.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous. It’s nothing to do with that at all; you know that’s not true and it’s offensive you would say so. This is to do with me and what I want. Not you. I can’t live with you again. I just can’t. I thought I could for the kid’s sake but…’
‘Bloody hell, Annie. Make up your mind. And make sure you explain it to Mattie and Floss. This is your decision, not mine.’ He hung up.
Great.
But as she headed to the kitchen for a steadying cup of tea to accompany her search for accommodation, it felt as though a weight had lifted from her shoulders. She didn’t need a man to rescue her, she could rescue herself. She wasn’t weak and helpless. Both Leonie and Hugh said she was strong and capable. She was.
Mattie and Floss would be terribly upset. Kevin had taken them out a few times since the picnic day and they’d come home glowing with happiness. Fishing was his new enthusiasm, apparently.
She opened her laptop, found the housing site and typed in her requirements. Good Lord! The results were even more dismal than when she’d looked before. She’d either have to up the proportion of wages she was prepared to give for rent or move a long way further out, away from her job and away from school. She couldn’t count on Kevin to help out, not now.
Had she been hasty? Should she reconsider? Time was running out and she had to tell the kids they wouldn’t be living with Daddy after all. That wouldn’t be pretty and this time it would be her fault. The three of them would be living in a small apartment, miles from school and work and she’d be dealing with ongoing simmering resentment. And broke. They still hadn’t got around to replacing the car, so she’d have that oil leak disaster waiting to happen there as well. He had her over the proverbial barrel.
Annie rested her head in her hands and groaned. And she still wanted to finish her MBA. Maybe they could give it a go until she graduated. It might work — if they both tried really, really hard. Her stomach ached.
The phone rang later in the afternoon. Kevin again. She had to answer it.
‘I’m sorry I hung up on you,’ he said before she could say anything beyond hello.
‘I’m sorry, too.’ Annie hesitated for a split second then ploughed on. ‘I’ve been thinking — maybe we could try sharing for a while and see if it works. But we have to set rules, Kevin. We share the care and costs of the kids and split the rent, etcetera, but apart from that our lives are separate. We don’t comment on or judge each other’s actions. And we certainly don’t use the kids as leverage or bitch about each other to them. Okay?’
‘Fine, Annie. I’m sure we can make it work. I haven’t cancelled the agent for this evening. Can you make it?’
‘I’ll try. I need to find someone to mind them.’
‘I have a friend who could come over if you get stuck.’
‘Who?’
‘Edward. The kids have met him a few times. They get on well together.’
‘Why didn’t they mention him? Did you tell them not to?’
‘I thought it was probably best you didn’t know.’
‘Why on earth would you think that?’ That man! She inhaled and stared out at the trees across the street as she chose her words, let the air out slowly. ‘We have to trust each other, don’t you get it? I don’t want them having to keep secrets from me. It’s not fair on them.’
‘I’m sorry. Shall I ask Edward or not?’
‘Let me try Hugh or James first. They live downstairs so it’s easy. I’ll call you back.’
‘All right.’
Annie disconnected and the phone immediately rang again.
‘How’s Mattie?’ Hugh. The calm, warm tone of his voice soothed some of the tightness from her shoulders. He’d rung the previous day too. A quick call ‘to check on the patient’, as he put it. No mention of her almost declaration. Or maybe he did understand and was avoiding an embarrassing conversation.
‘He’s still not one hundred percent. I kept him home today but I think he can go to school tomorrow. I’ll see. I can’t afford to take more time off work.’
‘Makes it hard.’
‘Yes. I was about to phone you. I was wondering, is there any chance you can come up and mind the kids for a while this evening?’
‘Sure. What time?’
‘Thanks, that’s great. About six. I’m looking at a house in Woollahra with Kevin at six thirty.’
Silence.
‘Hugh? Are you still there?’
‘Yes. Sorry. I wish you wouldn’t do that, Annie.’ The warmth had gone. Stiff little words stalking disapproval-laden through the line into her ear.
Her fingers tightened on the phone. No way was she getting into this discussion again. ‘I know you do. Can you come to mind the kids?’
‘Yes.’
‘Thank you. I’ll have their dinner ready so all you need to do is feed them. I should be home by seven thirty. Eight at the latest.’
‘Right.’
‘Would you like to have dinner with me when I get back?’
‘Thanks, that’d be very nice.’
‘Good. About six then.’
‘Yes.’
He didn’t hang up. More silence. She didn’t want to hang up. Why didn’t he say something? Usually they had no problem chatting. Was he waiting for her to speak? Was he deciding how to launch another attack on her decision?
‘What happened with the patient who died? The one you were concerned about.’
‘My colleague was correct in her eventual diagnosis but the coroner decided the delay probably increased the risk of death. He doesn’t apportion blame though, just gives his findings.’
‘So what happens to your colleague?’
‘The hospital is doing its own investigation into the diagnosis procedure. It’s difficult because, as I said before, the disease is rare and can be confused with other things. The doctor is very upset and taking leave.’
‘And what about the relatives of the man who died?’
‘His sister. She’s calmed down, I think. It was pretty stressful for a while but we’re back to what passes as normal now.’
‘Gosh.’ His problems were life and death ones. And that poor doctor who’d made a late decision… How did you live with that? Her own problems were petty by comparison.
‘So what about you, Annie? How are you?’
‘Looking for somewhere to live.’
‘Mmm.’ A definite re-cooling of the tone after the brief burst of information. His tacit disapproval was irritating in the extreme. What did he expect her to do?
‘I have to find somewhere. I’ve only got about six or seven weeks left here.’
‘I just wish you’d try other options.’
‘Have you looked at what’s available? If you had you’d understand.’ The man was being so dense! ‘What other options did you have in mind?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Exactly. Well, why don’t you ask around at work? See if anyone has an empty house they’ll rent out for ten bucks a week.’
Hugh gave a tight little laugh. ‘I’ll see what I can do.’
‘Thanks. I have to go, Floss has just arrived downstairs. I’d better let them in.’
‘See you later.’
Hugh hung up. Seven weeks or less. No time at all. He’d miss her. A lot. Nipping up there in the evening, chatting and drinking tea, reading bedtime stories — all of it. When they moved he wouldn’t see them unless he sought out Annie, and if he did it would imply an interest beyond friendship.
He knew he could love her, and the children were definitively lovable. They more than welcomed him into their lives. But now they’d have a real father who’d read to them and kick a football around the park. And Annie would be consumed by her family situation with no room for him unless, as she said, he could offer more. He knew what she meant. He’d offered to share a house and she’d knocked him back. He hadn't offered to share his life.
If it was Annie on her own he’d be very tempted, but it would never be just Annie.
A family of his own? The concept was fraught with dangers, making him catch his breath and his stomach tense into a hard lump. Too many unknowns and all too hard to deal with.