So what is sex180?
Well, here’s what it’s not:
IT’S NOT another T-shirt wearing, jewelry-clad movement.
IT’S NOT another ad-slogan response to real-life desires.
IT’S NOT another big stadium rally about abstinence.
IT’S MORE than no.
IT’S MORE than wait.
Sex180 is a new position on sex and sexuality. This is a book about sex. Not a how-to or how-not-to book—that’s all been done.
This is a book for people who realize that sexuality is part of their makeup but are over the way our culture, including Christian culture, talks about it.
This is a book for people who realize that something’s wrong, deep-down core wrong, with the way we think, believe, and act in regard to sex.
Sex180 is for people who want something different—drastically different. A full 180 degrees different. It’s for people who want a revolution—a second sexual revolution—to happen with them, their friends, their family, their school, and their world.
It’s time. Because the way things are now . . . well, they’re not so great.
[ the truth about sex ]
In a survey conducted by NBC News and People magazine[1] in early 2005, the vast majority (87%) of the teens ages 13 to 16 participating in the survey said that they had not had sexual intercourse.
That’s good news, right? Well, it is until you read more stats from the survey.
Thirty-seven percent of 15- to 16-year-olds said they had touched someone’s genitals or private parts. Nineteen percent had had oral sex. Forty percent of that group said that they had had oral sex to avoid sexual intercourse.
Do the math. Many people may not be going all the way, but they sure are getting close.
In the same survey, the students who had not been sexually intimate at all said they had made that decision because they believe they are too young (75%). Others fear the potential consequences: pregnancy (74%), STDs (71%), parents’ reaction (65%). Given the right circumstances and situations, each of these reasons could easily have an expiration date.
Sixty-six percent of the teens in the survey said, “Waiting to have sex is a nice idea, but no one really does.” And if they do wait, they aren’t waiting for very long. An American Psychological Society study found that 60% of college students who had pledged virginity during their middle school or high school years had broken their vow to remain abstinent until marriage.[2]
reasons people wait to have sex
Author and Washington Times editor Julia Duin tells of a time when she was lecturing a college freshman class on sexuality and was surprised by some of the feedback she got from students during a time of discussion about abstinence and virginity.
“A few of these freshmen may have been part of a ‘True Love Waits’ campaign or had their parents give them a ‘promise ring’ along with the reminder not to sleep around until marriage, but the other 90 percent hadn’t heard much in the way of gripping reasons for staying chaste.”[3]
So why would someone who had made a vow or pledge break their “promise”? Why would someone not wait?
[ expiration date ]
For some people, the wait just gets too long. The average age of marriage for guys is 27 and 25 for girls. If all you’re doing is waiting, you will probably come to a point when you’re going to get tired of it.
Some people stop waiting because they find love. They want to get closer to this person who makes them feel all these wonderful things inside. They want to do some type of action that shows the other person just how much they care about him or her, so they’re willing to break their promise to God. Maybe they never even saw it as a promise to God in the first place but more of a promise to the future spouse. And if you think you’ve found Mr. or Mrs. Right, isn’t that good enough?
Monica, a freshman at Truman State University, confesses that religion used to be her reason for waiting to have sex, but now that she’s away from home, that reason doesn’t seem to be as important.
“It’s just something that’s so special, and I want to save it for someone who’s special,” Monica said. “I don’t know about [waiting] until marriage, but waiting for someone special.”[4]
[ the right one ]
In the People magazine/NBC News poll, meeting the right person was the top reason people had sex before marriage. But how do you know when you’ve found the right person? Many people have found the “right one,” crossed the physical boundaries, and realized in the afterglow of sex that the perfect relationship wasn’t so perfect.
In their book Relationships, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott tell the story of Mike and Lauren, two college students whose story is echoed in a lot of relationships.
Lauren and Mike spent hours studying together, talking, and staring at each other—oblivious to the rest of the world. They thought they had the perfect relationship, and several months into it, they thought they were ready for what they believed was the natural next step.
They arrived late one night at Mike’s apartment. Mike’s roommate was gone, and Lauren started picking up on the signals that none of this was random. Mike was ready.
Mike began kissing Lauren passionately, whispering about her beauty and his intense desire to know all of her. He repeatedly declared his love and said he wanted them to show each other how much love they shared. He clearly had an agenda.
Lauren told the Parrotts about the confusion going on inside her: “Mike believed in me, when no one else would. . . . I wasn’t planning on having sex that night, but I knew that the future of our relationship would probably be over if we weren’t intimate soon.” During the next several months, Lauren became consumed with Mike. “He was all that mattered,” as she put it. Sex soon became a part of all their dates. But when Lauren began talking about changing her summer plans to be with Mike, his passion quickly cooled. It was no real surprise that Lauren and Mike broke up before the end of the spring semester.[5]
[ curiosity kills ]
Curiosity is huge for some people. They just want to know what it’s like to be desired by someone not just for your mind or personality but for your physical body. Plus, they want to move beyond all the textbook, biology class stuff. They don’t want to just know about sex; they want to know about sex.
Curiosity was my (Tim’s) main motivation. I’m the kind of guy who wants to know what’s going on. I was the fun little kid who asked all the questions and gave his parents a dull, throbbing headache. I would eavesdrop on my parents’ conversations, soaking up all the latest news. I wanted to know who was doing what and why they were doing what they were doing.
Part of that is how God wired me. It’s a good trait to have—especially as a writer. But it can also be a bad thing. I wasn’t just content to listen to “the talk” (you know, that awkward moment when your parents tell you about sex) and then park it, waiting for “that special day” when I got married. I wanted to know ahead of time what sex was all about. So when I found a porn magazine, it fed my curiosity. The pictures in there weren’t in my biology book. And that was just the beginning. Curiosity is seldom satisfied. The pictures made me want to know what those things felt like. So when an opportunity arose, I followed curiosity’s lead.
[ worried about your skills ]
Some people are terrified they’re not going to be good at sex. What if there’s something weird or different about their body? What if they can’t have sex? What if they wait all that time until after they’re married and they don’t like it? This motivates some people to put in some practice time. They’re afraid they might get to the honeymoon and wonder, “So what are we supposed to do?”
Kay, age 16, wrote in to YouthWalk magazine (which Tim co-writes and edits):
Most of my friends who are Christians have had many boyfriends and some have even slept with them. I was telling one of my friends that besides getting STDs or pregnant, it’s best to wait until marriage. She snapped back that if you wait until you’re married it will be really awkward for both of you and you’ll be bad at it. She also said that if you wait till marriage, you’ll always wonder if you’re doing it right.
Think about this one. Sex isn’t that complicated. You’re going to know what to do. You’re going to figure out what goes where. This isn’t something you have to be good at. This isn’t a skill you need to pick up. And why are you even worried about that? It’s not like you’re being graded!
When two people get married, they start out on a lifelong journey. They learn about each other. They go through all kinds of life experiences together. And part of that experience is learning about sex together. It’s an adventure. It’s something for the two of you to explore together. And aren’t adventures so much more interesting when you both are in a place you’ve never been before? Nobody said we have to be great at sex at first. But when it’s in the context of a married relationship, you have plenty of opportunities to get better at it.
The reason some married couples don’t have great sex in marriage is that it wasn’t sacred to them before the wedding. There was no mystery. Maybe partner number 12 didn’t match up to the porn they saw, or they find out sex is nothing like the romance novels or movies. They believed all the phony lies fed to them about love and sex, and now their expectations are completely distorted.
[ happily ever after may never come ]
Yeah, you might be thinking, but what’s the point in waiting for marriage when most marriages don’t last that long anyway? What if I spend all this time holding out for this ideal goal when my future spouse might not do the same—or we both do, but then we become a divorce statistic?
Susanna, a 17-year-old high school senior from Michigan, confesses, “You get to the point where you think there is no such thing as a real relationship anymore—that it’s just something our moms and dads had.”[6]
Lasting relationships are built on much more than just sex. Sex is part of it, but it takes a lot more than just sex to keep a marriage going. And if sex is your sole focus, you’re missing the big picture of how awesome marriage can really be.
[ the good and bad of desire ]
According to that People magazine/NBC News poll we mentioned earlier, 34% of students who had sexual intercourse for the first time did so solely because they just wanted to have sex. They followed desire’s lead. Some people give up waiting because they just don’t feel like they can fight their desires anymore.
But desire is a normal, natural thing. When we follow our desires, they can motivate us to do good things. Psalm 40:8 says, “I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.” Proverbs 8:11 states that wisdom is precious and “nothing you desire can compare with her.”
But desire can also lead us to do things that will ultimately hurt us. Check out what writers Jim Hancock and Kara Eckmann Powell say about desire:
Desire is good. Except when it’s bad.
Think about it. Desires drive one person to sacrifice herself in pursuit of a cure for AIDS.
Desire drives another person to indulge in behavior that spreads HIV.
Desire is tricky that way.
Healthy desire generates commitment and propels accomplishment.
Unhealthy desire, on the other hand (and there’s always that other hand), fuels lust.
And lust, as the book of James says, gives birth to sin—which, when it’s full-grown, gives birth to death.[7]
[ it’s not so bad ]
The way some people within the church talk about sex, you may think that if you have sex before you’re married, it’s going to be a horrible experience. You’re going to hate every minute of it, and nothing will be pleasurable about it.
Here’s the truth: if you have sex before marriage, you may actually enjoy it. You may find yourself surprised how much it stirs up something within you, and you’ll probably want to do it again.
But at some point, you’re going to get burned. You may continue to get pleasure from having sex, but sooner or later all the unseen entanglements—the emotional and the spiritual—are going to come into play. And you’re going to find yourself either being used or using someone. You’re going to find yourself on the receiving end of a brutal breakup. What once felt so great physically is now going to hurt so bad emotionally.
[ the “who to do” list ]
If you’re feeding on the media a little too much, you may find yourself viewing sex as just something to get out of the way. An item to check off your “to do” list (or maybe it should be “who to do” list), a rite of passage toward adulthood.
Let’s eavesdrop on a counseling session between counselor Paula Reinhart and a 20-year-old woman. Think of it as reality TV—very sad, messed-up reality TV. The 20-year-old woman’s current boyfriend is insensitive and her divorced dad has married a woman she can’t stand. She is sleeping with her boyfriend and has a sexual history. Recounting her experiences, she eventually mentions the loss of her virginity.
“I didn’t want to have a bad experience in losing my virginity—like some of my friends,” she says. “So I found a guy I knew but didn’t feel anything special for, and I had sex with him. That way I could just get it over with.”
Paula Reinhart responded, “Your virginity was something you wanted to ‘just get over’?”
“Well, sure. That way I would enjoy sex more with guys I really cared about.”[8]
Is that all sex is—just something to get over? What about when you’re married someday—what’s that conversation going to be like? Do you really think your future spouse is going to be impressed by your ability to have sex with someone you said you cared nothing about? Come on, what are we training for here, people? Is that the best thing you have to bring to the table in a relationship?
[ taken away ]
For some people, it’s not a matter of whether they chose to have sex. The choice was made for them in a violent way, either through rape or abuse. The reality of a fallen, sinful, and overly sexual world has wreaked havoc in their lives. The sin of another person has taken something very precious away from them. They never had a say in the matter.
Some people choose to deal with that tragedy by just growing numb to their sexuality and letting any boundaries they may have had previously go away. “After sex has been taken instead of given,” says Jenny, who was raped by a guy in her neighborhood as a teenager, “it’s like you are already tainted. So what difference does it make anymore? It’s not like I could offer purity to my husband anyway.”
That may be how Jenny saw herself, but it wasn’t how God saw her. That wasn’t how he intended for Jenny to lose her virginity. It was stolen from her by the evil, sinful choice of another person. And while Jenny bought into the lie she was “damaged goods,” God always wanted to restore to Jenny what had been violently taken away.
[ the Bible doesn’t ever say so ]
You’re not going to find that one verse that says word for word, “Thou shalt not have sex till you’re married” or “Here’s a specific list of what you can and can’t do on a date.” But that doesn’t mean the Bible has nothing to say about sex. In both the Old Testament and the New Testament, the Bible addresses things that would make even the sleaziest talk show host blush. It includes stories about rape, incest, and adultery. Plus, the Bible does give us some clear-cut boundaries that are vital when it comes to sex:
It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.
1 Thessalonians 4:3–6
Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place.
Ephesians 5:3–4
If you’re hung up on the fact that the Bible doesn’t give specific, detailed info about your particular question, you may not be looking hard enough. Or you could just be looking for some kind of green light to justify doing what you want to do.
It’s like a little kid who asks her mom, “Can I play ball in the street?” The mom says no. Ten minutes later, the mom hears a car slam on its brakes and sees the little girl playing in the street. The mom asks, “Why?”
The response from the little girl? “I wasn’t playing ball. I was jumping rope. You said I couldn’t play ball in the street.” The little girl knew she shouldn’t play in the street. So she decided she was going to manipulate the situation to get what she wanted. She got it. But she also put herself in danger.
We love the Bible. We believe the Bible is God’s truth speaking to our hearts (even though we might not always want to hear what it says). And as you read, you’re going to see that God has a lot to say about sex and sexuality. While the Bible may not address issues like oral sex or Internet porn directly, it sure does communicate God’s truth in a way that can help you figure it out. Sometimes you just have to be honest enough with yourself to make the connection.
[ clueless ]
When it comes to sex, some people think the Bible is out of touch with how our modern world views sex. They think it’s outdated. But actually many of those long-ago cultures were just as sex-crazy as ours—if not more. Especially the cities of Corinth, Rome, Ephesus, Galatia, and all the other churches Paul wrote to in the New Testament. Most of them would make MTV’s Spring Break specials look tame.
Check out what was going on there, according to writer Jim Hancock:
Those folks lived in cultures in which male and female prostitution was a part of religious life (so just imagine life among the pagans). They lived in towns where sacrificing girls was the main event at the shrine on the hill. They lived in cities where boys were sex objects for wealthy men. They lived in cultures where women were property—collected, traded, used, and discarded. And no one raised an eyebrow, let alone a helping hand.[9]
[ so why should I wait? ]
Let’s get one thing straight: not having sex isn’t only about avoiding pregnancy, STDs, or anything else. Those are all outside reasons. And honestly, sometimes even those big life-changing reasons are going to seem like a long shot, and you’ll be willing to take the risk. You need an internal reason too.
Not having sex isn’t just about avoiding intercourse. Plenty of people are getting physical with one another, touching each other, and doing things to one another that aren’t actually sexual intercourse but sure are sexual. They’re getting together in intimate ways and trying to pretend there’s no intimacy or connection.
God wants you to wait. Not so you can be some statistic in an abstinence poll. Not so you can prove some political or social agenda wrong. He wants you to wait because when you don’t, you get hurt. You get wounded. You get used. And you use others.
He wants you to wait because he cares about you. He is saying no to something you may very much want now because he knows that the now—this way, this time, this relationship—has a short-lived satisfaction and that’s all. But the adventure of sex in a lifelong commitment is so much better.
But then again, you’ve heard most of this before. That’s why we need to dig deeper. That’s why we need a second sexual revolution.