Sex is on TV.
Sex is in movies.
Sex is in music.
Sex is on the Web.
Sex is in magazines.
Sex is in books.
Sex is in high schools.
Sex is in youth groups.
People are having sex.
People are reading about sex.
People are talking about sex.
People are watching others having sex.
People are reacting to sex.
People are thinking about sex.
Yet with all of that, some part of the sex story is still not being told. People are looking for all kinds of external ways to explore sexuality, but they are running in the wrong directions. Sex isn’t just about what we do or don’t do, nor is it about the visible consequences like pregnancy or STDs.
Sex is a heart issue, one that our culture has made purely physical. The only time the heart is mentioned is when we’re trying to justify the physical (“Oh, but we’re sooo in love . . .”).
Are you over all of this? You’re tired of what our culture says about sex. Sure, you think sex is a good idea. Sure, you want to have sex someday (you are human). But you want something different—180 degrees different.
You want a revolution—a second sexual revolution—to happen with you, your friends, your family, your school, your youth group, and your world.
We want that too. People are physically, emotionally, or spiritually dying—or all of the above—all over the world because they just don’t get it.
Look at the AIDS epidemic in Africa. In 2004, AIDS caused the deaths of an estimated 3.1 million people, including 2.6 million adults and 510,000 children under 15. The epidemic has spread largely through a culture of promiscuity—primarily through infected husbands, who have been with prostitutes and then have sex with their wives. Women and girls make up the approximately 58% of those infected with HIV.[1] In confidential surveys by World Vision, 72% of South African pastors admitted to having had extramarital affairs, with an average of 3 to 4 partners each.[2]
Look at the number of people soliciting children for sex. There are approximately 100,000 illegal child porn sites online. Twenty percent of people under 18 have been solicited for sex in a chat room.[3] An estimated 10 million children are commercially sexually exploited worldwide—and the numbers are increasing.[4]
Look at the number of people addicted to Internet porn. Requests for porn on search engines averages about 25% of the total daily requests.[5] Thirty-four percent of Christian women admitted to intentionally accessing Internet porn—some of them to find out what their husbands were looking at, others due to their own Internet porn addiction.[6]
We need something drastic to change. We need a revolution, a second sexual revolution.
Voices are screaming out for change everywhere you turn.
[ we’re not going to take it anymore ]
Benjamin, age 17, posted the following message on the YouthWalk website:
It seems that 90% of all secular music deals with love. But the ideas are often so false. Either you’re hearing a country song that talks about cheating on your wife while you’re “down in Mexico,” or you’re hearing a rap song about someone shooting his mother, raping a girl, or “making love” with his girlfriend. And those are just the extremes from what seems innocent at first to what is just flat-out wrong. We listen to so many songs like that, we don’t even stop to think about what we’re listening to and how that can affect our mind. It really frustrates me because it’s so obvious.
Benjamin is only one voice. But he’s not the only one who’s sick of what our culture’s been force-feeding us about sex and sexuality.
We listened to a group of students one night over delicious enchiladas and warm chocolate chip cookies. They each came from very different backgrounds.
Some were dating, some were in relationships, and some were not.
One had been a Christian since she was kid; the others had been following Christ for two, three, four years at the most.
Most of them were from non-Christian homes. One guy’s mom is a Christian, and his dad’s Jewish. One girl’s parents are atheists. Another’s family just goes to church on holidays. One guy started going to church around September 11, 2001, and has pursued God ever since.
They are seniors and sophomores. Their musical interests range from Relient K to Casting Crowns to David Crowder. Favorite movies range from Save the Last Dance to The Rock to A Walk to Remember. Favorite TV shows include 24, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, and Oprah.
With all of these differences, they had one thing in common: they’re all sick and tired of what’s going on with how people think about and do sex.
They aren’t perfect. They each have their own struggles of living out what they believe is both God’s perspective on sex and his heart behind it. They fight the internal battle daily. Yet each one of them believes there’s a better way to think about sex, a way that’s 180 degrees different than what they are seeing and hearing. They’re over how sex has been defined and played out.
You’ll hear from these students throughout this book. They inspire us. They’re probably a lot like you. They want a sex180; they want a different way to view sex and sexuality. They’re passionate about God, his Word, and living out his truth.
Read and listen to the rumblings of the next revolution.
[ who or what do you think is having the biggest influence on how people think about sex? ]
MIKE (AGE 18): I’d say the biggest influence is TV. It has a huge influence on what students wear, what students do, and how they relate to each other in different situations.
ANNIE (17): Just going to the grocery store and seeing the covers of the magazines is horrible. The cover models aren’t just half-naked; sometimes they’re completely naked. Guys too. And then the stuff on the covers isn’t any better—things like “Ten ways to enhance your sex life.”
AUDREY (17): I used to read those magazines when I was younger because my parents were like, “Oh, they’re just teen magazines.” They didn’t even look through them. But they’re bad. I was learning a lot about sex. I didn’t realize it. I bought into the media lie that when you love someone, you have sex with them. When you think you’re ready, that’s when you have sex.
ANNIE: It’s not just magazines or TV—it’s our whole environment. If you’re into fashion and go into the cool stores, there are pictures of naked people on the wall. Sex is even at school. We had this girl come into our school and do a concert promoting “don’t do drugs.” She was 16. Her shirt was up to here and her skirt was down to there. She was dancing with sexual kinds of moves. It’s just like sex is everywhere you go.
AUDREY: At the beginning of the concert, they were asking us what our anti-drug was. I could just imagine her coming out and being like, “Sex, my anti-drug.”
MIKE: The problem is that media and society say in order for you to be accepted, you have to look this way or dress this way. The only way you’re going to actually make it and be successful is if you show a lot of skin.
[ what does our culture say about relationships? ]
AMY (15): People always talk about guys and porn, and how it’s an unrealistic view of girls, but have you ever thought about chick flicks? That makes things unrealistic too. It’s kind of like girl porn. It alters your vision of the guy.
ANNIE: This is the perfect guy. This is what he’ll look like.
AUDREY: After the movie, I’m like, “Oh, I want a boyfriend like that.”
AMY: I’m a girl. I like watching chick flicks. But it makes me have unrealistic expectations of the opposite sex.
AUDREY: Why I would consider it porn for girls is because girls are so much more emotional and boys are so much more visual. So it just feeds you. The chick flicks feed us to be like, “Oh, that’s how it happens. They deserve to be together.” They have sex and we’re glad.
[ it’s real easy to point that stuff out in the media, but what about real life? how do you see those kinds of influences played out in how people actually live out their sexuality? ]
MIKE: I see a lot of high school girls invest so much of their time into how they can please their boyfriend and do all this other stuff. Many girls who said they were waiting and wanting to be pure are like, “He really wants me to do this. That’s fine. I’ll do it.” It’s such an emotional thing. So many times, girls go out and totally give themselves to guys—they have sex—and then the guy leaves. The girls get so attached to them, but the guys just move on to the next girl.
AMY: I have a friend whose relationships always start out great, and then they get torn apart. She gets so attached because she’s been sexually active with them. We were talking one weekend, and she told me, “You don’t know how awesome I think it is that you’re not going to have sex until you’re married. I wish I would have done that.” She just became a Christian a year ago. She knows it’s wrong, but sex has been such a big part of her life for the past six years. She wishes she could stop but she says she can’t. She doesn’t know how to have a relationship without it.
AUDREY: For some people, sex is just so much of a struggle that they don’t even fight it anymore. They give up and say that won’t be an aspect of their faith. It’ll just be a separate part of their lives. I know so many Christians who are sexually active and are like, “A sin is a sin and it’s not that big of a deal.” They don’t realize that there’s a reason God doesn’t want us to have sex. There’s so much damage that comes from sex. There’s so much hurt and baggage.
MIKE: This guy said to me one day in class, “I’m not going to get married till I’m 40 because I don’t want to make a commitment. I want to go out there and have sex with as many girls as I can.” It’s so sad to see all these people who have gone out and had sex with multiple partners. What happens next? What happens if you can’t have sex anymore? What happens when you get HIV or an STD? Before, you were the sex champion. Wow, that’s great. You’ve got that on your record. Now you are on death row. Where is your identity after that? This is what you have to look forward to, a life of emptiness? Is that what you base your life on? I hate the stereotypical guy, because that is the stereotypical guy—“How many girls can I have sex with before I’m married?” Everyone’s saying you’ve got to experience life—get drunk, smoke weed, have sex with 20 girls at once. But once you’ve done all that stuff, can you seriously look back at yourself in the mirror and say, “I’m so proud. I’m so happy. I want to give myself a pat on the back. I have accomplished every single thing and I’m just Superman”?
[ so if you believe something different, how do you live that out—especially when it seems like the culture is screaming another message so loudly? ]
ANNIE: I think as mature believers in Christ, we need to develop convictions about [what we watch], and when you’re with a group of people, role model it. If someone’s asking you to watch something you know you shouldn’t be watching, say, “You know what? Personally, for me, I think I’m going to skip out on watching that because of the convictions God has given me. Maybe you think it’s okay for you to watch; you just have to really think it through. There are clear guidelines God sets up.”
AUDREY: There’s this kid in one of my classes who makes sexual jokes all the time. He looks at me and asks, “Do these jokes make you mad?” And I’m like, “Yeah. I really just don’t appreciate it. You know where I stand, and I know you’re doing that just to make me mad.” He said, “Sorry.” And I said, “I think a lot of what you say is funny—it’s just not always funny to me.”
MIKE: Every time I turn on the TV, there’s always something about sex. It came to a point where I unplugged my TV. We all know what is too much for us, what we can’t handle, what we can’t do. I think even beyond that, we have to look at what we can’t handle and take that back a few steps. In every situation, everyone needs to ask him- or herself two questions. First, is this going to benefit me in my relationship with God? Second, is this going to benefit me overall as a person? I looked at my situation, and TV was totally pushing me away from God. Before I got rid of the TV, I would sit there flipping through channels, thinking, “That’s so bad. I can’t believe how bad it is. I’m going to watch this and see how terrible it is so I can write a letter about how bad it is.” It’s funny how much we think we can hide from God’s eyes. It was totally consuming me. During that time, my relationship with God was nothing. It was going nowhere.
[ do you ever feel like you’re missing out? ]
BOBBY (15): Life isn’t lived to fullness without God. Everything isn’t quite as fun as it could be, as good as it could be. The same thing applies with sex. You do it without God and what happens? It’s not what you expected. I think so many times people spiral into relationships because they think it’s going to be something great, but deep down they’re still hurting. There’s so much emotional stuff tied to sex, and you’ve got to just wait until God says you’re ready. He said marriage is that time to give the spiritual and emotional and everything that’s linked to sex, that he made it in his intricate plan.
[ what does the word revolution mean to you? ]
AUDREY: A huge change. A change from the way people act, the way people think.
AMY: Change in society.
ANNIE: It’s a change in your mind, how you think about things.
BO (16): We all want to change the world; that’s basically what a revolution is. Going out, setting your heart, your whole everything to changing the world for the better. Getting as many people on your side as possible to help you change the world, to what God wants to be done in the world.
[ how can you change the world—or at least the world you live in? ]
BOBBY: You have to stand up and be proud that you’re going to abstain, that you have a reason. There are so many good kids out there who just don’t know about not having sex before marriage. That’s why Christians have to take a stand. If we want a new sexual revolution, we’re going to have to stand up. We have to make a difference in this world. We can’t just give in. We have to be bold. We can’t just sit in the back of the church and call it quits. We’ve got to be out there. When your friends talk about sex, don’t be afraid to say, “The reason I’m not doing it is because I have God.” That’s the reason you’re waiting—so say it proudly. I struggle with it all the time. I told my friend that I’m not having sex before marriage because of God and what he’s done in my life. He doesn’t understand that, but I think he has a certain respect for it. And hopefully, one day he will get it.
AUDREY: People sit back and say, “I can’t really do anything. I’m just one person.” But if all of them would just act on what they believe, there would be a revolution.
MIKE: There’s definitely a problem. People are so misguided in their relationships and also with the concept of sex and how it’s being done. Sometimes it takes a few people with a whole lot of passion to step up to the plate, and a revolution is started by a few people. There’s sacrifice when it comes to revolution; it’s a hard process. If it wasn’t hard, it wouldn’t be a revolution. I think in the long run, any revolution fought is something that has to be well worth the struggle.
[ the cost ]
Maybe you are reading all this, nodding your head in agreement, and thinking, “That’s a great idea, but there’s no way you’re going to change the world. Sex is just too much a part of our world. Besides, people should be free to make their own choices. If I choose not to have sex, why does anyone else need to know? A revolution seems a little extreme, doesn’t it?”
It does sound like another Christian bandwagon—“Hey, everyone jump on board this issue. We’re going to straighten everyone out!”
Well, that is, until you start counting the cost.
Whether you’re a virgin or you’ve been sexually active in your past (and maybe are in the present), the way our culture views sex is costing you something. You just may not have always realized you were paying.
It costs you something when you walk down the halls of your school. It costs you something every time you go online. It costs you something every time you look in the mirror and wonder if you’re attractive enough. It costs you something every time you listen to music, watch a movie, or turn on the TV.
Because of the way sex is now in our culture, you have to be on your guard all the time. You have to wonder if the person you’re talking to in a chat room is really another teen or if it’s an online predator hoping to have sex with you. You have to wonder if the movie you’re wanting to see is going to fill your head with some graphic scenes that really aren’t that key to the plot. You have to wonder if the song that you enjoy on the radio, the one with that beat that just stays in your head, really is worth listening to.
Maybe it has cost you your family. Your dad or mom found someone new and left. You’ve seen your brother or sister get used time and time again because they give their hearts and their bodies freely away to anyone who seems to care.
You pay a price daily. You pay with your innocence, your pain, your heartache, or your regret.
We’re not going to let this cost us anything else. We are not going to pay this price anymore.
We want a revolution!
[ battle cry ]
Revolution means war—but instead of taking on people, we’re fighting lies. Lies that are entrenched in our culture. Lies that so many people have bought into. Lies that make people think they’ve found what they’ve always been looking for—when the reality is, what they are settling for is so inferior to the real thing.
Are you sick of being fed lies about sex? Are you tired of all the ways sex is being played out both in the media and in people’s lives?
Are you tired of being played as a pawn in a culture that thinks sex is just a game? That’s right, you’ve been played. Duped. You’ve been led to believe that your sexuality is nothing more than a marketing technique—something to sell everything from chicken sandwiches to CDs to jeans to cars.
You’ve had sex crammed down your throat everywhere you turn. You’ve been sold a pack of lies that ruin lives and relationships, all while feeding someone else’s bank account.
People think they own you.
They think they can manipulate you.
They think they can feed you whatever they want, and you’ll buy it.
Are you sick of it?
Are you over it?
Then fight back.
Let’s get this revolution started!