Before you can even begin to think about changing the world, you first have to let God change you. And the only way to do that is to know his heart—what he says about sex and why.
No one is going to listen to a thing you have to say about sex unless you believe it yourself.
You have to do more than just regurgitate the messages you hear. It’s not about just wearing a ring or a T-shirt. It’s not about just saying “wait” and “no.”
You have to own it. You have to believe it deep down. And the only way you’re going to do it is to understand why God says what he says about sex and sexuality. You’ve got to come face-to-face with God’s heart.
We want to arrange that meeting.
Mine (Chip’s) happened when I was in college in a small town in West Virginia. I was a brand-new Christian. I prayed to receive Christ just before I went away to college. I understood that I had sinned, I had violated a holy God. I asked him to forgive me and come into my life. He started to transform my life, putting new desires in me. I actually wanted to get up and read the Bible and talk to him. But it was wreaking havoc with my social life.
I was playing basketball on a scholarship at a school that had four girls for every guy—and I was trying to live out this new life. I was feeling like, “God, I really want to obey you, but I’m dying inside. I’m up and down and in and out a failure. I don’t know how long I can handle this.”
I wanted to follow God. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to have a lasting relationship. But I wanted to have sex, and I wanted it now. Inside there was a war raging between God’s way and my way.
Then God gave me a vision—not a mystical, dreamlike vision, but a glimpse of his heart. One night a young couple from the church I attended invited me over to their house for dinner after church. When you’re a college student, you’ll take a meal anywhere you can get it.
Dave and Lanny were in their late 20s and had two kids, a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old. After a 25-minute drive through the hills in my Volkswagen Bug, I arrived at their house—a small white house that was in need of a fresh coat of paint. I didn’t think of Dave and Lanny as poor, but looking back I realize that they didn’t have doors on some of the hallways, just sheets tied up to separate the rooms.
We sat around their old 1950s-style table and had a great home-cooked meal. During the meal, I caught Dave looking at Lanny, and I caught her looking back with a knowing smile. I knew they had a great relationship, but something more was going on.
I could feel the energy and the warmth in the room, as well as the sense of completeness and, well, wholesomeness. Even the little kids’ eyes were lit up. And as we ate, something was happening inside of me.
After the meal, they pushed the plates to the center of the table and asked, “Would you excuse us? We’re learning a new family tradition.” Then Dave and Lanny pulled back the sheets to the kids’ bedroom, knelt at the side of the bed, and folded the little kids’ hands. Dave talked for a few minutes about how Jesus loved them. It was very simple. Then all four of them prayed together.
Dave prayed first, followed by Lanny.
When the little kids prayed, my heart melted. Then the kids held their mom and dad so tight and said, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Dave and Lanny then came out from behind the sheet. We had coffee and apple pie a la mode. We sat around the table and talked. And as I was sitting in that room, I saw what I had been searching for. I knew that this was what I wanted someday. I wanted a life filled with that kind of love.
When I got in my car and drove home, I had plenty of time to talk to God. I said, “God, this is what I really want—this kind of connection, this kind of love. Why can’t I have that? Why are you torturing me? Why are you putting all these restrictions on me? I just don’t get it!”
I didn’t hear an audible voice, but the Spirit of God said as clearly as I’ve ever heard, “Chip, that’s why I put all the restrictions on sex. You see, you can only get what they have when it’s one man and one woman for all time. The energy that you saw flows out of a heart, spirit, emotional, and social connection that’s rooted in me.”
God continued, “Chip, it’s not that I’m keeping something good from you. All these prohibitions about immorality, about what you think, about lust—it’s all about giving you my very best. I’m not trying to withhold pleasure; I created it. I created you. I want you to have what they have. Every command in Scripture is my attempt to protect you so that you’ll get it.”
[ revolution ]
My prayer wasn’t just, “I know I’ve got to obey you, and I want to obey you, but you’re asking me to do some stuff I don’t like.” It moved beyond just, “If I do this, you’re going to discipline me.” All the answers started fading away, and I saw something much deeper.
I realized that God was on my side. He wasn’t fighting me. He wasn’t holding out on me. The fences and the boundaries in my life were his loving arms holding me. He was trying to help me get the very best.
Romans 8:32 came to my mind: “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” I felt like God was saying, “Chip, wake up! If I love you enough to give you my Son Jesus to die for you, do you think I’m going to withhold a great relationship? Do you think I’m going to withhold great sex? Do you think I’m going to withhold a lasting relationship? Chip, do it my way.”
A light came on. I did a 180 on how I saw the whole thing. From that moment on, things were different. It doesn’t mean I didn’t struggle. It doesn’t mean I never had a lustful thought. It doesn’t mean I didn’t make some mistakes, but from that moment on, I knew I wanted to do life God’s way.
I had seen his heart—not only about sex but for me. I saw that he desired to give me good things.
The Bible says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights” (James 1:17). Jesus said in Matthew 7:9–11 that God desires to give us good gifts.
Sex is a good gift. God desires us to have it. He desires for us to enjoy all that sex can be—to experience it to its fullest potential. But before we can do that, we have to move beyond all the standard Christian answers and all the lies of our culture. We need to do a complete 180, running straight into God’s heart.
Otherwise, it’s another set of rules. It’s just someone else’s “do” and “don’t do” list. Everyone’s got one. Everyone has some kind of standard they live by. But what takes it to the next level is when you realize that behind the rules is someone who honestly, genuinely gives a rip about you. You’ll follow that person. You’ll live by the rules. You’ll trust him or her because you know that person is not trying to control you. He or she isn’t on a power trip. This person really, honestly cares.
That’s why we need to see God’s heart.
This is key. The revolution, the sex180, has to begin with each one of us. Individually, we have to get this. It has to be a revolution of one before it can even begin to affect others. There has to be a revolution “in” us before one can happen through us.
We have to understand why God says what he says about sex. We need a revolutionary way to think about sexuality—and for that we need something major to get us heading in the opposite direction. We need a full-on collision with God’s heart.
[ sex180: sex is sacred ]
God says sex is sacred. Try saying that in your next conversation around the lunch table. Or bring that up the next time someone asks you why you don’t watch certain movies. It’ll get a few reactions. Most people think sex is a lot more common and basic than that. But God thinks it’s more special.
The sacredness of sex means that God thinks sex is holy. Uh, right, you might be thinking.
But check out Hebrews 13:4: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” God says marriage is to be honored. It’s not simply to be appreciated. It’s special! It’s sacred! It’s set apart for a specific time with a special person to deliver a special and sacred bond.
Not just appreciated. Not just wished for. Honored. Treated with respect.
And how do you do that? By keeping the marriage bed—the act of sex between two married people—pure. This isn’t a someday thing. This is a now thing. The ways you think about sex now affect your future. They affect your marriage bed and what kind of experiences and memories you bring into it.
Big stuff. That’s why sex can never be treated as common or casual. It’s serious business to God.
The way we use and think of sex ultimately comes down to seeing it either as one of God’s gifts or as a way to satisfy our own selfish desires. Sex outside of God’s ideal of marriage (the lusting, taking, “I’ve got to have it” using of people) takes God out of the picture completely. The Bible says, “There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, ‘The two become one.’ . . . We must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never ‘become one’” (1 Corinthians 6:16–17 Message).
Listen to what Paul wrote to the church in Rome. (Think Roman Empire. Orgies. Temple prostitutes. Stuff like that was going on in every city Paul wrote to, not just Rome.) “God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator” (Romans 1:24–25).
They were willing to settle for a cheap imitation of what God intended. They worshiped sex instead of the God who gave it. They completely cut God out of sexuality, saying, “This has nothing to do with you. We’ll take it from here. You stay out of this part of our lives.” They made that part of God’s creation into an idol to be worshiped by misusing the gift. We’ve made the same mistake.
At the heart of sex outside God’s boundaries is an attitude of worship—worshiping yourself. Ultimately that kind of sex is a worship of my needs, my rights, my lust, and me. It has nothing to do with love and everything to do with fulfilling your own personal desires in your own time and in your own way. Paul wrote to the Ephesians,
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.
Ephesians 5:1–4
Paul says this to the Christ-followers in Ephesus who are living in a sex-saturated world with all these prostitutes—male, female, heterosexual, and homosexual—and all this weird and warped stuff going on. He says you are now children of the light. Don’t participate in it. Don’t even talk about what goes on in those temples or your own past experiences. You’ve got enough curiosity in your mind, so don’t even go there. Not even close—not even a hint. Why? Because sex is sacred.
At its most intimate, sex is about knowing, not lying or sleeping together. When Adam and Eve began to explore their sexuality, the Bible described their intercourse by saying, “Adam knew Eve” (Genesis 4:1 KJV). The moment was sacred, holy. Each one of them, in God’s design, was revealing the most sacred parts of their lives to one another—spiritually, physically, emotionally.
Much later in the Bible, when King David sinned by committing adultery with Bathsheba, a different word was used for the same physical act: David “lay with her” (see 2 Samuel 11:1–5 NASB). Although David knew Bathsheba was another man’s wife, he lusted after her as an object and took her as a plaything. The consequences were horrendous and left behind a string of destroyed lives.
Sex isn’t just about body parts fitting together or a momentary rush—it’s about heart and personhood. It’s about mystery. It’s about sacredness.
Sex was never meant to sell stuff. Sex was never meant to get a cheap laugh. Sex was never something to be viewed casually as if for entertainment. It’s a special, sacred, holy thing.
Not much is sacred in our culture. We hold very little in such high esteem. The Bible even predicted our world would be like this: “In the last days there will be very difficult times. . . . They will consider nothing sacred” (2 Timothy 3:1–2 NLT). In our efforts to talk about sex and be more open about it, we’ve let sex become too common. We’ve grown numb to what a huge deal this is. We’ve talked about it, written about it, sung about it, and seen it so much that it’s become mundane. Nothing’s sacred about it. We only realize its worth when we wake up one day and realize we settled for something much less than the best.
That’s why God shouts that sex is sacred. That’s why what God says about sex is revolutionary. That’s why it’s a 180 from our world, even our own mindsets. Before we go on, let this sink in.
What would your life look like if you really believed that sex is sacred?
How would it affect what you watch? How you talk? What you listen to?
How would it alter what you do when you’re by yourself? How would it affect what you think about?
What would it change about what you do when you and another person are alone together?
The sacredness of sex is meant to be lived out daily in our minds, in our hearts, and especially in our souls.
[ sex180: sex is serious ]
Not only is sex sacred, but God’s heart about sex is that it’s serious too.
Sex can’t be treated lightly. It’s an expression of our deepest human commitment. It should include mystery and holiness and awe.
I (Chip) remember developing a friendship with a fellow player (I’ll call Jimmy) on an outreach basketball team a number of years ago. We traveled and played together throughout South America. Most of the players were great players from big-name schools. We competed against amateur and Olympic teams, sharing our faith during the extended halftimes of the games.
We ended up rooming together. We hit it off great. Along with his athletic skills, Jimmy was an easygoing, great-looking guy who seemed to be enjoying the experience. As I got to know him, I found out that in addition to using his b-ball skills, he also played minor league baseball during the summer.
When we started talking about our own spiritual journeys, Jimmy surprised me with how open and honest he was. He said, “You know, it’s so good to be a part of this. Most summers I’m busy playing pro ball.” Then he added thoughtfully, “Finally, God got my attention.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
He said, “Well, I guess the best way to describe it is that I’ve been an idolater. I’ve spent all my life so far worshiping me. I never saw it that way before, but a few months ago I realized it’s what I have been doing.” I wasn’t sure how to respond. After a few moments he realized a little more info was needed.
“When I began playing on the road,” Jimmy continued, “I got a real buzz from the crowd and I discovered I was attractive to ladies.” He shook his head as if remembering something painful. “You know, as we moved from town to town all over America, there were times I had sex multiple times a day with different women. They were there, ready and waiting, after the games. And then at school, as a big basketball star, sex was a perk. At first, it was the game outside the game—how often and with how many different co-eds could I have sex? I lost count of the number. My life revolved around sex.” There wasn’t a hint of bragging in his voice. The words came from him slowly and shamefully, like terrible weights he wanted to drop.
“I went through about three years of this. Then I woke up one day and I was numb.” Jimmy stopped for a moment, allowing me to absorb the significance of his confession. “I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know how to have a relationship. I was like someone who stuck his hand in a fire over and over. The first few times, the jolts were memorable. But once the hand got burned enough and the nerves died under the ugly scars, the hand stopped feeling. My body actually came to the point that it didn’t respond. I was a sexual burnout. My heart got dull, my brain couldn’t respond.” I will never forget his tone of deep sadness and his voice as he murmured, “There’s a tiny piece torn from me that I left with each of those women that I can never get back.” He described his years of indulgence in selfish sex by comparing it to being a piece of cardboard. Every time he had sex he was being glued to another piece of cardboard just long enough for the glue to dry. When the pieces were pulled apart, neither piece of cardboard came away whole.
“There are pieces of me all over with these women everywhere,” Jimmy said. “I don’t even know who I am, and I don’t know how to have a relationship.” Then he concluded with a flood of tears, “I got to where I didn’t enjoy sex and I didn’t like me. I was so far from God that I knew I was lost. Getting invited on this trip was God’s gracious answer to my cry for help. As we go from country to country, I’m also on a spiritual journey. I’m asking God little by little to heal me.”
Some of you may read this and envy Jimmy’s skills and superstar status, the “rock star” position of nameless and faceless sex, and the ability to satisfy every urge as it came long.
But sex isn’t casual. It’s not common. Sex is sacred, and sex is serious. Both are key components in how and why God created sex in the first place. That’s the deal.
The church in Corinth had big problems with sex and sexuality. If someone called you a “Corinthian girl,” they were calling you a prostitute. This affluent town was one big party 24/7, with every kind of sexual pleasure available.
So when Paul wrote to the Christ-followers in the city of Corinth about the serious nature of sex, he was writing to people who were struggling to live out their faith in a world that just didn’t see what the big deal was.
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
1 Corinthians 6:15–20
Paul’s talking about sex with a prostitute here. People don’t go to prostitutes for an emotional connection. They pay for sex because they simply want something physical. But Paul is saying, no matter how casually you view this, no matter how much you think you can cut out the emotional and spiritual part of this, you can’t. The hookup arouses emotions, desires, and longings that are much too big and too powerful to be contained in a casual relationship—you need a lifelong commitment to handle them.
When two people have sex, whether they’re married or not, even if it’s a hookup, or whatever, the Bible says they not only merge body parts, they merge souls. That’s how powerful and serious sex is.
That’s why no matter how casual the relationship is, no matter how much two people are in agreement that they will not become emotionally involved, it will never work. Sex can never be just a physical thing. It’s too serious and too sacred. It’s too complex. It’s not just another part of a relationship. It’s not just some release. It’s a connection that is binding.
When two people meet each other in sexual intercourse, a bond of the flesh occurs that goes beyond skin-to-skin. It’s a life-uniting act. It’s not a game; it’s a life-altering decision. That’s how serious sex is.
If you’ve already crossed the line—whether it’s actual intercourse or some other sexual act with another person—you know what we’re talking about here. What you did may have felt good at the moment, but something changed afterwards. Either for you or the other person or both—at some point, someone realized that there was a deeper connection made. That’s why a piece of you died when he or she left. That’s why what seemed like something that wasn’t a big deal before became such a big deal later.
He or she (or you) didn’t just walk away with a sexual memory; you both took pieces of each other’s souls and now carry them around with you for life. That act, that memory, that person will be a part of your future marriage bed. You will bring that experience with you, no matter how great or awful it was.
God does offer forgiveness. He does offer hope and restoration. But the consequences of your sexual encounters, the realities of this life-uniting act, are something that you may carry with you forever. God loves you so much. He desires to protect you. Trust us—submitting to God’s protection is better than falling apart and having to be put back together.
Sexual impurity destroys relationships. The first relationship it destroys is our relationship with God. People who progressively continue in sexual immorality are really saying, “I’m going to worship me.” And that means they don’t worship God. People are actually shocked to discover that fact. We shove God over to a little corner of our lives and instruct him to wait quietly until we get around to recognizing he’s there and who he is. Worship is exclusive—you can only worship one “god,” whatever your god is. We can’t make life all about us and then expect God to fall in line. Our sin breaks our fellowship with God. It affects us deeply.
Remember the last time you knowingly stepped over one of God’s boundaries? Perhaps nothing happened immediately. You may have even concluded you had a lot of fun. But how was your prayer life after that? Did you feel close to God?
James 4:8–10 says: “Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you. Wash your hands . . . purify your hearts. . . . Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. . . . When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift you up and give you honor” (NLT).
God knows the seriousness of sex and that if you disrespect its boundaries, sex will destroy your relationship with him. It won’t separate you from his love (we’ll talk more about that in the next chapter), but it will certainly cause a major gap in your relationship.
[ being true ]
That’s God’s heart behind sex. That’s why it affects how you think about sex now. Sex is sacred and serious when you’re online, when you’re at the movies, when you’re listening to music, when you’re watching TV. And since sex saturates so much of our culture, it’s key that you live out your true sexuality—the way God created it—in every area of your life.
The sacredness and seriousness of sex is why “wait” and “no” just don’t tell the full story. We need to know the why.
And when you know God’s heart, when you realize that what he has to say is backed up by a true desire for your best interests, you’ll find it easier to believe him and trust what he’s saying is really true.
God’s saying, “These boundaries are all about my love for you. I’ve got a great plan. There’s a wonderful person who will look at you with a knowing smile. You can have a normal life that’s whole and real. You can have real excitement without all the baggage, shame, or guilt. I want to bless you. I want you to be together emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I want you to enjoy life like you’ve never imagined. That’s always been my plan. It’s why I put up guardrails. I gave a few commands. Why? Because I don’t just want the best for you—I want the very best.”
That’s why God says to be careful where you let your mind wander, to take every thought captive (see 2 Corinthians 10:5). That’s why God says don’t allow in even a hint of lust. That’s why God says sex is for marriage—and even after you’re married, don’t forget how sacred and serious sex is.
That’s the hope. That’s an answer that endures when the wait gets long. That’s a response imprinted on your heart when your body is saying everything but “no.”
You can control the hormones.
You can take every thought captive.
Because when you don’t, the price is way too high. It costs more than getting pregnant or an STD. It costs more than tearing up a pledge card or turning in a “wait” ring. It costs more than getting kicked out of the V club or losing some credibility with your Christian friends.
Sex is serious and sex is sacred. It was never meant to be played around with. When you do, the players get played and the hookups leave scars. But people just aren’t getting that. It’s not what they hear. It’s not what they see.
Someone needs to show the world a better way. That’s why doing a sex180 affects not only the way you think about sex but the way you live it out—in the ways you interact and attract.
You’ve seen the lies.
You’ve seen the truth.
You’ve seen what’s broken and what needs fixing.
Now let the next revolution—the second sexual revolution—start with you.
[ the revolution inside ]