You’ve done a 180 on your own perception of your sexuality—what God says about it and how you live it out. But what happens when you add another person into the mix? What does it look like to live out a sex180 in your relationships? How can you enjoy time with the opposite sex and still stay true to what God says about who you are? How can you interact with others in a way that demonstrates your inward character, outward modesty, and upward devotion? How can you make sure your actions line up with your belief that sex is sacred and serious?
The answer: you live out the revolution. It’s no longer just a revolution of one. It’s a one + one revolution.
We have basically two ways to do relationships—God’s way and Hollywood’s way. Actually, it’s more than just Hollywood. It also includes music, magazines, and books. But we’ll just focus on Hollywood because it’s a little hard to ignore the images on the big screen. (Plus, the formula is a big part of the plotlines to most romantic movies.)
According to Hollywood, four basic steps lead to deep, intimate, sizzling relationships. Before you start thinking we’re going a little overboard, think about how these steps play into the plot of your favorite love story or the tabloid headline lives of your favorite stars. Then, if you really want to get honest, look at how these steps play out in your own expectations of love.
[ hollywood step #1: find the right person ]
The key to love is finding that one special person who was made just for you. He or she is out there. You just have to find him or her. Drive around. Hang out. Be on the lookout when you’re at the mall, riding the bus, waiting at Starbucks, or saving the world. Dress, look, and act in a way that will demand his or her attention. The moment will come. You just have to keep looking.
[ hollywood step #2: fall in love ]
When you find the right person, something will click and you’ll just know. Maybe it’s something about the way he or she walks or talks. Maybe it’s a brief look or gesture. Maybe he or she is so “hot” you just feel this undeniable attraction. You may not even know his or her name, but you’ll know that you’re in love.
Love is completely based on chemistry—not knowledge or character. You’ll know you’re in love because you’ll have these mushy feelings and electrical pulses will surge all over your body. Unfortunately, your IQ will immediately drop about 30 points. You’ll spend money you don’t have. You’ll spend time doing things that are ridiculous. This amazing, much-sought-after experience of “falling in love” means overwhelming feelings that throw out reason, background, shared interests, and even compatibility. After all, opposites attract, right? Love, says Hollywood, makes you crazy.
Love is all that matters. You know it because emotions this strong, this sudden, and this overwhelming must be the real thing. The only choice seems to be to move on to the next step.
[ hollywood step #3: fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future fulfillment ]
In the movies, love overrides every other decision. A virgin is willing to give him- or herself to another person because he or she has finally found true love. Brides and grooms are regularly left at the altar because their future mates have decided to run off with someone else with whom they are “really in love.”
Once you fall in love, in the Hollywood version, every other promise you have made is null and void. You can’t be held to any previous commitment. The person with whom you “fall in love” will become the object of your life, your future, your dreams, and your satisfaction. You have suddenly realized that this person and this person alone will make you complete. He or she will make you whole. Life will have meaning like it never has before (except for all the other times you’ve been in love).
You begin to believe you can’t make it without him or her. You constantly daydream about this person, writing perfect, romantic scripts about your life together in your head. You fully expect that this person will be able to meet your deepest longings and needs and will come through for you 100% of the time. Though we know on some level that it’s impossible, we’ve been taught that finding the right person will solve all our problems.
Hollywood also provides a convenient “Plan B” for when “true love” gets shaky. We “drift apart” or “fall out of love.” It’s “just not the same anymore.” We’re led to believe that falling out of love is just as natural and unexpected as falling in love. We either chose the wrong person, or we were right for each other for a season but that season has now passed. It has nothing to do with us.
And when that happens, it’s time for step 4.
[ hollywood step #4: if failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2, and 3 ]
In the Hollywood version, step 3 (fixing your hopes and dreams on someone for your future fulfillment) usually leads to failure. Big surprise. Can you image how smothering it would be under the pressure to be someone’s absolute everything? Whoa.
So when the relationship starts to break down, Hollywood offers an easy solution: go back to the beginning and start over. Repeat steps 1, 2, and 3. It’s time once again to (1) find the right person, (2) fall in love, and (3) fix your hopes and dreams on this new and improved person you have found. This time maybe it will work. Just go on to the next partner, repeating steps 1–3. Think of it as the sequel to the first film. Same lead, different love interest.
Here’s the premise behind it all: the key to love is finding the right person. If your current relationship isn’t working out so great for you, if for some reason this person doesn’t fulfill all your dreams and desires, then you must have the wrong person.
Basically, a normal relationship in our culture follows a very predictable pattern.
That’s how most people do relationships—and it’s so messed up, isn’t it?
People are walking around looking like crash survivors, dazed and confused, in shock because of what just happened. “How did something so great turn so ugly?” they ask themselves. And it hurts. It hurts bad.
Is there a better way? There’s got to be. We’ve got to be able to relate to the opposite sex in a way that isn’t so brutal. We’ve got to find a way to do relationships that doesn’t leave so many casualties.
We need something different. We need to find a way to interact that is both realistic and God-honoring. Not every person you’re attracted to is going to be your future spouse. Not every relationship ends in marriage. And the alternative of hiding out and waiting for God to bring your Prince or Princess Charming to your doorstep isn’t very realistic either. We need a new way to do relationships, a revolutionary way. We need a 180. Let’s do a 180 on that Hollywood version. Let’s flip it and work our way up from bottom to top in a whole different way. Reverse the numbers. Make Spiritual #1 and Physical #5 and you have a whole different ball game.
The physical, emotional, social, psychological, and spiritual are all good components of a relationship. After all, they just mirror all the parts of who you are too. The problem with these phases is that they are usually completely out of order.
If you get the order right, you have a good foundation to get to know one another. The physical comes much later and doesn’t complicate things. You let the other person see the real you up front, no games. Your emotions are held back until you know this person and his or her background a little better. The spiritual becomes the foundation of the relationship.
It certainly filters out the psychos.
The Bible talks about two commands that are at the core of loving people God’s way:
Be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.
Ephesians 5:1–2 NASB
Notice the underlines? Imitating God and walking in love are two core ways to live out God’s 180 way to do relationships.
So how do you do that? Let’s walk through what that looks like. As you’re reading, make sure you link that IOU (inward character, outward modesty, upward devotion) to these steps. We think you’ll see how crucial it is that you live those out before you’re even ready to bring another person into the picture.
[ God’s 180 step #1: instead of looking for the right person, become the right person ]
God tells us that instead of constantly looking for the right person, we should become the right person. Instead of looking for love, God tells us, we are to realize that love has already found us! Our love for others flows out of our sense of being deeply loved.
God loves us as no one else can. The best way for us to demonstrate that we get that is to learn to imitate him as closely as possible in the way we treat others. So what does that look like? Ephesians 4:32 tells us: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Imitating God means that in relationships we are to be kind, tenderhearted, empathetic, discerning, willing to make allowance for people’s mistakes, and consistently forgiving. It means we want good for others. We’re gentle toward them even when our needs don’t get met or when we’re angry.
We let others off the hook because the truth is that they weren’t meant to meet all of our needs. No one person can handle that task. We’re a bottomless pit of needs and issues. Only God can be our Savior. So when someone lets us down or disappoints us, we do the unthinkable—we forgive them.
God’s Word never discounts feelings, but it clearly defines love as having much more to do with character and action than feelings. In other words, genuine love causes us to do things that don’t necessarily have good feelings attached to them. Jesus allowed himself to be nailed to a cross not because it felt good but because he loved us. We can spend a lifetime discovering the truth behind the simple thought in 1 John 4:19: “We love, because He first loved us” (NASB).
Our problem is that loving someone isn’t easy. We simply don’t have the power to always forgive or be consistently kind. Some of us are really grumpy sometimes. Our love, strength, will, and understanding can only be stretched so far. We don’t have the power to love this way unless we are so filled with God’s love that we recognize that our deepest needs have already been met through him and we’re no longer expecting another person to “complete” us. We find that somewhere else.
See, we’re not just “okay” to God. We’re not just someone he puts up with or his second choice. In fact, through Jesus Christ we are wonderful, significant, valuable, dearly loved, and the objects of God’s infinite and unconditional love. The God who made us and loves us tells us to love like he loves us. This is why the idea of just finding the right person in order to have a great relationship is a lie.
In their book Relationships, Les and Leslie Parrott bring this point home clearly:
If you attempt to build intimacy with a person before you’ve done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person, every relationship will be an attempt to complete the hole in your heart and the lack of what you don’t have. That relationship will end in disaster.[1]
As a side benefit (but not the goal), by becoming more like Christ, you’re going to attract someone with the same passion. Isn’t that the kind of person you really want to find? Someone who will love you completely—both the good and the bad? Someone who is seeking to imitate God’s love to everyone he or she encounters?
If it is, then become that kind of person first. That’s something you can work on now—whether you’re in a relationship or not.
[ God’s 180 step #2: instead of falling in love, walk in love ]
Walking in love means something much deeper than taking long strolls on the beach or wandering hand-in-hand through the mall. In fact, walking in love means that we love others in exactly the same way that Christ loved us.
Walking in love means giving the other person what they need the most when it is least deserved, not necessarily giving what they want the most. That’s exactly how God has treated you. That’s what genuine love is.
When you walk in love, the relationship isn’t all about you. It’s not about your life or about what you can get. It’s about how you can serve the other person. When you love this way, you’re not easily angered. You don’t blow up. You don’t pout. Unlike Hollywood’s version of love that depends on passionate feelings, good looks, and perfect circumstances, walking in love remains loyal and steadfast even in the worst of times. It’s the kind of love that’s not going anywhere, no matter what. Unfortunately, with over half of marriages ending in divorce, we don’t see this in action too much.
Walking in love also means being honest with one another—sometimes painfully honest. It means caring enough to call someone out on something you see them doing, even if you know doing so may cause some pain and anger. It means sometimes saying or doing things that you know will make the other person mad—not for some sick pleasure but because you care too much to say “yes.”
Have you ever had a time when a friend, parent, or coach called you out on something? Your first reaction may have been to get mad or embarrassed. You probably thought, “What’s your problem? Why is this such a big deal?” But deep down you knew they had seen something in you that they wouldn’t let slip by because they cared too much. And they could have walked away and said, “That’s your problem.” But they didn’t. They showed love to you by doing what was in your best interest, even if it was the last thing in the world you wanted to happen. And you probably knew that later. Once the emotions simmered down, you were glad they did or said what they did.
Love is a sacrificial, other-centered action that provides what’s best for the other person. It means saying no to sex outside God’s boundaries because that kind of physical connection has nothing to do with the two of you helping each other and everything to do with the two of you using each other.
Don’t fall in love, God tells us. Walk in love. Genuine love isn’t a passive, quivering mass of good feelings. Genuine love is a deliberate, intentional, honest, and even painful giving up of self-preservation for another person’s good.
[ God’s 180 step #3: instead of fixing your hopes and dreams on another person, fix your hope on God and seek to please him through this relationship ]
In the Hollywood wedding ceremony, the couple stands face-to-face before their gathered friends. These ceremonies are often filmed on sets that look like places of worship even though God’s not even given a small walk-on role in the ceremony. The couple basically declares, “You are the most important person in my life. You complete me. You are my perfect mate, the answer to all my dreams.”
The 180 to that is a wedding where God takes the lead. He’s the major star of the event, outshining even the bride. The couple acknowledges his place, and they expect him to help them keep the promises they make. But their view of one another could be expressed this way: “You are not the most important person in my life—Christ is. And because Christ is the most important person in my life, I’m going to treat you even better than I could treat you if you were the most important person in my life. Christ will help me love you more than I could ever love you in my own strength alone.”
The goal of relationships isn’t to make sure everything goes our way or makes us happy. The goal is to please God. The best our culture can offer as a model for marriage involves two people who are trying hard to please each other. God’s 180 way is when two people are actually learning to please a third—God—by the way they respond to him and to each other.
When we go the other way and make our personal fulfillment the goal of every relationship, it never works out. And then we wrongly assume the problem is the other person, so we go and find someone else. Why do you think so many of those TV bachelors and bachelorettes just can’t seem to find true, lasting love?
Instead of trying to find out what’s wrong with the other person, instead of continually expecting him or her to conform to our needs, we must ask God to make us who he wants us to be and to help us to walk in love, giving sacrificially what the other person needs.
As long as we live with this warped idea that sets the other person up to meet all our expectations, we are doomed to disappointment. Great relationships involve struggle, conflict, working through issues, and refusing to demand—consciously or not—that the other person make our life work. The result is a lot of personal growth and a healthy relationship.
[ God’s 180 step #4: if failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2, and 3 ]
The fourth step for God’s 180 way is the same as Hollywood’s—it just plays out differently. Both Hollywood and God’s 180 recognize an inevitable feature of human relationships—failure. When it comes to failure in a relationship, the real question isn’t if but when. When it happens, you go back to the beginning. You walk through the steps: imitate God, walk in love, fix your hope on God, and seek to please him in every one of your relationships.
Sounds good, you might be thinking, but I’m not planning on getting married for a while—a long while. I’ll keep that stuff in mind, but what am I supposed to do until then?
That’s your call. We’re not saying relationships are bad. We’re not telling you to kiss dating good-bye. We’re not saying courting is the only solution. We’re not even saying dating is that great either. What we are saying is that this is God’s heart. And in the next chapter we’ll flesh out what it might look like to live that out in your relationships.
This is revolutionary compared to everything you see or hear in our culture. It’s revolutionary compared to the way most adults live out their relationships, and it certainly is revolutionary compared to the “ideals” we see in the media. It’s revolutionary compared to the way most people approach relationships.
This revolution of one + one is all about keeping your heart in line with God’s and helping someone else do the same. And to do that, you need to proceed in some revolutionary ways—well, at least revolutionary compared to the normal Hollywood stuff, because their methods aren’t working out so great.
Just check out the tabloids. Listen to the entertainment shows.
Or just look at the students in your school. Or the relationships in your family.
The debris is everywhere. The carnage of hurting, painful relationships is carried by people so scared of reliving the pain, they will do anything to numb it—including making the same mistakes.
So how do you keep a relationship in line with God’s heart every step of the way? When you really like someone but want to make sure you have a God-honoring relationship, what does that look like?
We’re getting there. But before we move on, let the revolution continue in you.
[ the revolution inside ]
| Hollywood’s Way | God’s 180 Way |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|