Hear that? It’s the sound of people’s souls rumbling—they’re starving for relationships. It’s how we’re wired. Whether we want to admit it or not, we want to connect with another person in some kind of relationship—a friend, a date, a spouse. We want to meet someone who understands us and cares.
Why do you think we go to chick flicks (and yes, guys even tolerate a few of them)? We love the stories. We love the connection. We want to see two people together happily ever after (or at least till the end of the movie). Why? Because we don’t want to be alone.
We all want to do relationships right. We all want the dream of finding someone to be “the love of our life.” But just walk down the halls at your school and see the drama unfold as people use people and then get discarded to the side—the way we’re doing it now isn’t working.
You want more than that. You want to do relationships right, in a way that’s 180 degrees different than the way most people in the movies, in music, and in the halls of your school are relating to one another.
You want to find a way to get to know someone that’s in line with the 180 God’s doing in your life. You want to bring what God’s done in your heart into what happens when you’re with someone of the opposite sex—a way that keeps your heart and mind in check.
But before you can live out this 180, you have to grasp an important element of sex: it’s selfless. What you think about sex and how you live it out isn’t just about you.
That’s a real 180 from the way the rest of our culture does sex. In movies, music, TV shows, or just the couples or hookups you see in your school, it’s all about what another person can do for you—how they can make you feel or what they can do to bring you pleasure. People are used as tools for our own benefit with little regard for their humanity.
You can view sex as sacred, realizing there’s something mysterious and holy about it. You can start taking sex seriously, realizing that even hookups leave a piece of you behind. You can let those beliefs transform you inside as you seek to live out the IOU—a life of inward character, outward modesty, and upward devotion.
You can see how there’s a better way to do relationships than the fairy tales the rest of the world is trying to live out.
But sex isn’t just a personal issue or a personal choice—it’s not that simple. How you view sex and sexuality impacts others. It’s not just your body and your decision. When you start interacting with someone else, you’re responsible for both your actions and theirs. First Thessalonians 4:3–7 says:
It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.
Reread verse 6: “No one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.” Even if the other person is a willing participant in a sexual act, there’s some part of it that both people have to own up to.
For example, if you know someone’s weakness and take advantage of it, you’re arousing desires in that person solely for your own personal gain. Guys use it to get girls to give them oral sex. They see a girl who’s insecure and is afraid of losing the relationship, so they figure if they can’t pressure her to go all the way, they can at least make sure they get something from her.
Girls work it too—getting their needs met by taking advantage of how guys are wired visually by dressing in ways that make sure they are not only noticed but desired.
So if you really want to live in a way that’s 180 degrees different than the rest of the world, how do you walk this out in your relationships? How do you honor God while keeping your heart and hormones in check?
How do you follow the relationship 180 we just talked about, keeping the spiritual, emotional, and physical all in the best order to make sure that you don’t get massacred or maim someone else in a relationship?
How do you not only think differently about sex and attract the opposite sex differently—how do you also relate to the opposite sex differently?
[ disconnecting the friendship ]
Here’s how most Christians do it.
Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. They go out. Have a great time. Go out again. Become a couple.
And here’s where things start getting really weird. They start treating each other differently. The friendship dies down. They start acting like they think a couple should act—and they take their cues no longer from their faith but from our culture.
What does this look like?
They put all their friendships on hold and become the center of each other’s worlds.
They go on youth group trips but are oblivious to anyone else.
Mission trips are no longer about serving other people—they’re pseudo-weekend getaways to “exotic” locales with 50 chaperones.
Church, Bible studies, and youth group become just another way they can see each other during the week.
They feel like they need to hold hands, kiss, make out—because that’s what couples do, right? And the physical suddenly becomes a big deal between two people who previously enjoyed just hanging out.
It’s like suddenly all the things they knew about being a good friend, about being a brother and sister in Christ, about encouraging the other person to grow—things that are part of their “regular” friendships in youth group or at school—don’t apply anymore.
Wrong. They still do.
In fact, they’re even more important now because when you continue to relate in those ways, your relationship looks very different than the way most people come together. And when you break up, the relationship also looks a lot different. Different is good.
Want to live out a sex180 in the way you relate to other people? Then start out as friends.
This shouldn’t be that hard for some of you because a lot of people hang out with their friends anyway. Some people don’t even date; they just go out with friends. But we’re talking about real friends, the kind of friendships that impact your life in a huge way. And before we can move on, some of you are going to have to get past the f-word.
[ the f-word ]
“Friends? You’ve got to be kidding!” Some of you may be thinking, “That’s not very romantic.”
A lot of guys hate to hear the f-word, especially when it’s thrown at them like this from an object of their affection: “I just want to be friends.”
The reason is, it’s often a cop-out. It’s the nice way of saying, “I’m really not interested in you.” And if you’re romantically interested in someone, then the f-word is like a dagger in your heart.
If the whole “friends” thing sounds too boring for your romantic dreams, you may be suffering from what we call “the Bachelor/Bachelorette Syndrome.”
Mike, a survivor of the Bachelor Syndrome, tells his story:
I was in a relationship with a girl who was an extreme, hopeless romantic. She expected something romantic 24/7. I’m a very romantic guy, but it was really difficult to keep up with her expectations because I felt like I was always having to prove myself. I had to go beyond the normal. I had to think of something totally out of the ordinary because this girl had scenarios for every single thing. After a while, I failed. It was just so hard because I felt like our relationship was guided by what I could do to make this a romantic thing.
That’s a huge amount of pressure, and it’s a big example of the whole Hollywood way of interacting (for those of you with short-term memory problems, it was in the last chapter).
If you’re going to start out as friends, you have to let go of the romantic and get past the Bachelor/Bachelorette Syndrome.
Even the greatest real love stories have moments that aren’t so great. Even couples whose eyes dance every time they see each other have moments when they are completely blind to what the other person needs or is going through.
No one person is ever going to be all you want him or her to be. No one is always going to say the perfect thing. No one is always going to be there for you every moment you feel lonely or sad. No one is going to be totally and completely interested in your day, your life, your feelings, your thoughts, your dreams—no one but Jesus.
You can search and search for that one perfect love, but you’re looking for a myth. It’s fiction. Sorry. Perfect love never was meant to be a human-to-human love. It’s a love only God can give.
God understands our desire to try to find that perfect person to fill the hole in our hearts. One day Jesus was talking with a woman who had looked for love in all the wrong places. But instead of rejecting her, he offered her the relationship and love she had desperately been looking for in a lot of broken relationships. Just like in the Hollywood way of relationships, she was looking for the right guy.
John 4 lets us in on this encounter Jesus had in Samaria. While Jesus was resting beside a well, a woman came along, and Jesus asked her for a drink of water. After all, she had a bucket, and he was thirsty. But as Jesus always amazingly does, he saw not only his physical thirst but also this woman’s thirsty soul.
He told her about living water that could quench her thirst. She thought he was talking about some kind of magic water. But Jesus was referring to something much more significant, water for a thirst she had been trying to quench in a lot of different relationships. Jesus said, “You don’t have a husband—for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now” (John 4:17 NLT). And he was dead on. He knew. She knew. And she began to see that nothing she had been doing was alleviating her thirst—it was still there.
But she drank from the living water that Jesus offered her—water for her soul. She walked away from the well that day changed and no longer thirsty. She told those around her, “Come and meet a man who told me everything I ever did! Can this be the Messiah?” (John 4:29 NLT).
Girls, you have to lay down your chick flick dreams of the perfect romance.
Guys, you have to let go of your desire to be the center of one person’s world.
If you surrender yourself and your expectations to God, you will avoid raising your expectations of a single person to a point where they are completely unrealistic. You’ll also keep the relationship from fast-forwarding to much further along than it needs to be.
The Bible says “not to awaken love until the time is right” (Song of Songs 3:5 NLT). If you’re going to do relationships God’s way, if you’re going to live out a sex180 in the way that you think and live out your sexuality, you’re going to have to take it slow.
You’re going to have to use your brain—not exactly a very romantic organ, but you’re going to have to think it through. You can’t just get caught up in the moment. You can’t follow wherever your heart leads. Love, as we learned in the relationships180 chapter, requires work on your part. Sometimes it requires making a conscious decision to love. It’s not all fireworks, kisses in the rain, or running across fields to embrace. True love requires sacrifice—and that makes love as strong as it is sweet.
So whether you’re all about courting or dating or whatever, pace yourself. Let the friendship come first so you can really get to know someone and find out where their heart and priorities are.
Let’s walk back through the steps of a relationship from the last chapter. (Notice we put them in the God’s 180 way order—not Hollywood’s.)
If you’re attracted to someone you want to get to know better, then before there’s even a hint of a romantic relationship, you need to learn as much as you can about the person. You need to know what they believe about God, and you need to be a part of their life to see if their actions back up what their mouth says. You need to see them in good and bad situations—and how they handle victories, defeats, and just the junk life throws at us. You need to find out who their friends are, see what their family is like, and observe how this person treats those closest to them.
All of that needs to happen before the emotions kick in. Yeah, those emotions may be lurking beneath the surface, but they’re never acted on until you’ve lived out the friendship and seen the spiritual, psychological, and social in action.
That’s why the word friend doesn’t have to be the end of the world. It’s not a cop-out. It’s a beginning. In fact, it’s the best way to guard your heart and someone else’s.
[ friends with benefits ]
So what does this friendship look like? Is it real or just a pseudo-friendship where you’re biding your time until you get the all clear on the boyfriend/girlfriend thing?
“friends with benefits”
“Being in a relationship just complicates everything. You feel obligated to be all, like, couply. And that gets really boring after a while. When you’re friends with benefits, you go over, hook up, then play video games or something. It rocks.”—Brian, age 16[1]
Friendship means helping each other out, right? Giving each other what you need or want, right? Yeah, you’re right—to a point. But friendship doesn’t mean using someone as a tool to relieve your sexual tension, and that’s what the whole friends with benefits thing is—a way to get some immediate satisfaction by hooking up with a buddy of the opposite sex for purely physical reasons. No emotions. No promises. Just sex.
Yeah, right. Sex isn’t just physical. You can’t dissect it like that, cutting away the spiritual and emotional connections. And even if everyone agrees up front that it’s just about the sex, nothing more, the truth eventually surfaces.
Emotions will surface. Someone will feel a connection and want the relationship to be more than just a random, one-time thing. It’s not because one person is weak. It’s not because someone’s too needy. It’s because that’s the nature of sex. It’s how God created it to be. Sex is too sacred, too serious, and too selfless to be thrown around like that.
And honestly, how real is a friendship when it’s all about how one person can use another? Would you settle for that in any other area of your life? Would you be okay with being used for your money, your smarts, or your car? No way. You wouldn’t take it. You would say, “No thanks,” and walk away.
Don’t settle for poser friendships. Hold out for real friends and friendships that will respect not only you but what God says about how we should treat each other—selflessly.
If it is, then you’re missing out. Because this whole friendship thing not only keeps a relationship at a good pace, it also has a lot of real benefits. (And we’re not talking about hooking up with buddies just to have sex. See the sidebar.)
Jesus said: “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). And that’s exactly what you have to do to make sure you live in a revolutionary way.
First and foremost, you have to say to yourself, “I’m going to relate to this person as a friend. I might have some feelings for her. But I’m not going there yet.”
Theresa and I (Chip) were friends for about a year and a half before we became romantically involved. Although I was physically attracted to her the first time we met, I willfully chose to not go down that road. I had learned the hard way that I needed to get to know what was on the inside before I let my emotions or our relationship move beyond friendship.
We were part of a larger circle of Christian friends. As friends, I wasn’t trying to impress her or always trying to look my best. We weren’t playing friendship as a game—we really were friends. We prayed together, shared together, worshiped together, and participated in ministry together. We learned an amazing amount about each other without the constant reminder that she was a woman and I was a man. Because we were part of a larger group, spending time together rarely involved being alone. Looking back, I realize that because our focus was on Christ and helping each other grow in him, I wasn’t really aware of the way we were gradually being drawn together.
Friendship provides a great way to get to know other people without having to move on to romance. But when you start off with romance, you can rarely go back and establish a true friendship.
“Some teens use the excuse, ‘Well, I really need to be in a relationship in high school because I need to practice for the future,’” said Annie, a high school senior. “But I think a huge argument for being friends is that you can relate to the opposite sex so much more, almost on a deeper emotional level, without messing around with physical stuff. You don’t need something else to build your friendship on. I’m learning to relate to the opposite sex. It’s fun and it’s pure and it’s holy. It’s giving me so much practice for the future, whether we’re boyfriend and girlfriend or not. Right now I’m just learning to communicate, and it’s good.”
The kind of friendship we’re talking about isn’t a passive, “whatever” kind of relationship where you’re just hanging around someone, waiting for God to write on the wall that you should date. No, this friendship is driven by a very real desire to get to know someone, to see who they are beyond how great they look or how attractive they are to you. It’s an active friendship.
So what does a real guy/girl friendship look like? Here are some ways to help you build a healthy and legit friendship.
Real friendships don’t revolve around just one person. Have you ever had a clingy friend? Someone you enjoyed being with but was very high-maintenance? You felt like this person’s whole life depended on you being there to help him or her through the next crisis. After a while, the friendship became a burden. It’s not that you didn’t want to help out anymore, but you just felt like anytime you did, the life was being sucked out of you. Every moment required more than you could give, and even when you gave your all, it just wasn’t enough.
To have a healthy guy/girl friendship, you need other friendships too. Guys need buddies and girls need girlfriends. You need to know that you’re not the center of someone’s world. As ego-rich as that setup is, after a while that kind of friendship will drain you, not feed you. You need a friend who doesn’t see you as the source of their happiness but sees God as that source. Someone who appreciates each relationship for what it is and doesn’t come with a long list of expectations and needs because he or she is taking those to God first.
If God chooses to meet those needs through your guy/girl friendship, then that’s awesome. But that doesn’t make the friend your god. It makes your friend a reflection of God, a way he expresses his love for you.
A student named Bo says it this way: “God doesn’t always show his love for us directly; sometimes he goes through other people. You can think of it as God loving them through you. In a relationship, you can feel God’s love through the other person.”
In a guy/girl friendship, the two of you don’t see each other as exclusive. You have other people around and healthy, active friendships that enrich your lives. And the balance of those relationships helps keep the guy/girl friendship in perspective. You aren’t pushing the friendship forward because you expect the other person to be your one and only source of happiness.
Healthy friends don’t demand a lot from each other. They sometimes ask a lot, but it’s never demanded.
Plus, when you both share a mutual friend—Jesus—you have a lot more to talk about. You are able to share things with each other that people who don’t know him just wouldn’t understand.
You can both discuss how you met Jesus and what drew you to him. You can tell each other what he’s doing in your lives. You can talk about all the new things you’re learning about him. You can share how he’s helped you through rough times. You can even discuss the things about him that you just don’t understand.
Real friends create comfortable places where you can be yourself. Real friendships are not about playing games or wearing masks. The kind of people who are your closest and best friends are the people you can let down your guard and just be yourself with. If you’re having a really bad day, you can tell them about it. If you’re grumpy, sad, hyper, or all of the above in a 30-minute span . . . you may need to seek professional help—kidding! Your friend isn’t constantly evaluating you based on how you act that day. He or she understands that all of us sometimes handle life well and sometimes don’t. A real friend doesn’t come with a lot of expectations for how you should act.
My wife, Jennifer, and I (Tim) are great friends. Even before we were dating, we just loved being around each other. Our relationship was on and off a lot—mainly because I wasn’t ready to step up and be the man I was supposed to be. But even in the midst of our “breaks,” we were still friends. We still enjoyed being around each other. We laughed. We sang (yes, we really did). We just liked hanging out and talking. Sometimes we messed up the order of things, getting a little too physical or emotional, but truthfully, everything always came back to the friendship. We just loved being around each other. I still love being around her. She’s my best friend.
Real friends have a front row seat in our lives. In our culture, the word Christian has become more of a label than a lifestyle. There are a lot of “Christians” out there, but not many followers of Christ—people who are sold out daily to God and trying their best to pursue an active, growing relationship with God. When you have a front row seat in someone’s life, you see his or her faith in action (or inaction).
We’re not talking about being the judge of someone’s faith, because only God can judge someone’s heart. But Jesus did caution us about buying into people’s “I’m a believer” lines and gave some guidelines to make sure that someone’s life backed up what he or she is saying:
Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.
Matthew 7:15–20
So what’s good fruit? Galatians 5:22–23 tells us that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”
While you’re getting an up-close glimpse into someone’s life, look for the fruit of the Spirit. See how love, peace, patience, and the rest are showing up in their life. It’s external evidence of what the Holy Spirit is doing on the inside of their life and a good indicator of how active their faith really is. It will help you distinguish between a “Christian” and a follower of Christ to make sure you both have the same solid foundation and the same passion for pursuing a growing, thriving relationship with Jesus (see 2 Corinthians 6:14).
Real friends don’t use each other. Some people attach themselves to others solely because of what the other person can do for them. Proverbs 19:6 says, “Many curry favor with a ruler, and everyone is the friend of a man who gives gifts.” But real friendships aren’t based solely on what the other person has to offer (reread Jesus’s words about laying down your life in John 15:13).
Some people become friends because of the other person’s social position: “If I’m seen with this person, people will notice me.” Others position themselves in someone’s life so they can get close to a crush: “I’ll be your friend because you’re friends with Mr. Oh-My-Gosh-He’s-Gorgeous.”
And other people use their friends just for the emotional and physical perks they can get out of the relationship. It’s almost like the friendship becomes a rest stop until the next great love of your life comes along. You use the other person for companionship, emotional support, and sometimes just physical needs. You like to kiss, so you find someone who will kiss you. You like to hold hands, so you find someone who will hold your hand. You like to snuggle up to someone, so you find someone who will snuggle with you.
You may not go as far as having sex, but you’re still buying into the whole friends with benefits lie. “We don’t mean anything by all of this. But it’s just part of making someone feel good, right?” Wrong. It’s just as much about using each other for physical perks as hooking up is. You’re playing them. You’re adding stuff into the friendship that just complicates it and keeps it from being all it can be.
When I (Tim) was in college, a friend and I had an idea: since neither one of us was dating anyone, we would be each other’s “valentine” for the day on Valentine’s Day. Someone to do nice things for and someone to go out with. Someone to make the other feel special. No strings attached.
And that’s how an annual tradition began for Beth and me. For the next three years, on February 14 we were each other’s designated valentine. We always left the loophole that if either one of us was dating someone, then the deal was off—but that never happened.
It started out pretty small. The first two years we exchanged cards and small gifts. We saw each other and said “Happy Valentine’s Day.” But our senior year, I had the big idea to go all out. Beth and I were just friends with no romantic attachments, and we knew that at graduation we would go our separate ways. So we decided to make this the best Valentine’s Day ever because we had no idea when either of us would have a decent one again.
That morning I got up early and went and sang outside Beth’s window. I bought flowers. I stood outside one of her classes with a big posterboard that read, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Beth.” I bought her a bunch of gifts. Stuffed her campus mailbox with notes. And that night, we went out to a nice dinner and a movie. I was so proud of how special I had made Beth feel. And for many years, I looked back on that one day as a great memory.
That is, until I met Jennifer, my wife. Valentine’s Day with Jennifer was different. It was more than having someone fill a blank spot in my life. It was more than just having someone to do nice things for. It was realizing that love isn’t just romance; it’s honoring the other person. Love is thinking about someone beyond what you get out of it—and the other person doing the same.
I did lots of nice things for Beth, but I didn’t honor her. I didn’t do anything physically immoral, but I sure did play games with Beth’s emotions. Even though we both knew our relationship was only for one day, I made her feel special not because I thought she was but because of how great she would think I was. I lavished attention on her on Valentine’s Day not because she needed it but because I did.
Beth was a friend—and only a friend. But I didn’t treat her very much like a friend. We just used each other. Looking back, that Valentine’s Day from college wasn’t as great as it seemed. Oh, sure, I was in love. Unfortunately, I was just in love with myself.
What about you? Who are you really in love with—yourself? The idea of being in love? What’s your real motive behind why you treat people the way you do?
Real friends use words wisely. A good friend cares enough to say things that are not always easy to say—but that you sometimes need to hear. Proverbs 27:6 says: “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Sometimes the things that are toughest to say are the things we need to hear the most. If you’re acting like a jerk, sometimes you need someone to let you know you’re acting like a jerk. If you’re being too me-centered, you need someone to remind you that the world doesn’t revolve around you. A friend who is brave enough and cares enough to speak that kind of truth to you is definitely the kind of person you want to keep around.
But a good friend is not only someone who will care enough to sometimes say the things we don’t want to hear but also someone who cares enough to be careful about the words he or she does say. Let us give you an example.
Guys speak carelessly a lot with girls—and most of the time they are completely clueless about it. With their friends who are girls, some guys say things like “I want to marry someone like you someday” or even “I love you” without realizing the huge impact those statements have on a lot of girls. Guys think they’re just attaching words to the warm feelings they have. They may even think they are throwing out a compliment. But a girl hears and processes those in a very different way than the guy may or may not have intended—it’s just how she’s wired. She hears, “I want to marry you,” and “You are the love of my life.” And to a girl, those words can feed that dream of a romance that may not even exist. So guys, be conscious of the power of your words.
But girls, you also can guard your heart. You don’t have to let statements like that kick your mind into overdrive where you’re trying on his last name, daydreaming about the wedding, and picking out baby names. You can also dream your way into thinking a relationship is more serious than it is, which can cause you to justify blurring your physical boundaries. If a guy is saying things that make your emotions and thoughts soar out of control, call him on it. Explain how it affects you. If he’s a good friend, he’ll respect that.
When Jennifer and I (Tim) were dating, she told me never to talk about marriage until I was ready to get on one knee and ask her. She knew what those words would do to her if I spoke them, and she also knew that her heart didn’t need to hear them unless I could back them up. It threw me off at first, but then I appreciated it because it definitely made me think twice about what I said—especially when my emotions kicked in and I wanted to express my love for her. I understood that I had to choose my words wisely because they had an effect on someone else. It wasn’t just about me. And I knew that I could show more love for her by respecting that than by telling her what I felt my heart wanted to express before I could back it up with a ring and a promise.
Real friends are honest with each other—but there are boundaries. There are some places a guy or a girl doesn’t need to go in a conversation. Proverbs 4:23 says: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” One of the ways you do that is to be smart about who you tell what.
Guys, if you’re struggling with lust, you definitely don’t need to go into too much detail with a girl about it—use your buddies for that. Girls, if you lose your brain every time a certain guy comes around, he’s probably not the best person to help you sort those feelings out. Call your girl friends for that.
Be honest, use words wisely, but know where your boundaries are.
Real friends are not defined by their friendships. Take some people out of their circle of friends and they wander around like a lost kid. They don’t know what to do. But real friends aren’t defined by their friendships. They seek their identity in something more stable—who they are in Jesus Christ. They don’t base their whole self on what their friends think; they base who they are on what God thinks about them.
Here are just some of the things God says about you:
I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.Isaiah 43:1
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you.
John 15:15–16
Your group of friends may change. Your wealth or social status may change. Your school may change. But who God says you are doesn’t change.
Your friends are a big part of your life, but they’re not all you’re about. You bring much more to the table than just who they are—a lot more. That’s what God thinks.
[ the revolution inside ]
[ hanging out with your friend ]
If you think you might want to date someone but you want to make sure you maintain your friendship, go out as friends in a group. It will allow you to get to know someone without all the pressure of feeling like the success of a date is on your shoulders.
And if you find yourself one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex, stay focused. Use the moment as a relationship interview. Go to a place that allows you to talk. Keep the time together fun and light. Just be yourself and use the opportunity to find out more about who this person is, what he or she believes, and how much of a role God plays in his or her life.
Ask questions about his or her family, free time, faith, and spiritual growth. Sometimes it will help you put the whole crush thing in perspective when you see beyond all the outside package and get a glimpse of what this person is really like inside.
Starting as friends is a great way to live out the revolution. It’s not as high profile as having someone on your arm to walk around school with, but it is definitely the best way to keep your heart—and someone else’s—in check.
Going out doesn’t change the way we should do relationships. The way you treat your friends also applies to how you treat those you date. Jesus said the two greatest commandments are to love God and love others (see Matthew 22:36–39). How a guy and girl who may be interested in each other act toward each other should be no different than the ways they encourage, build up, and help their friends. The things you do in your regular friendships apply to your relationship with a bf or gf too.
There’s also another way to relate to the opposite sex—a way that will definitely help you keep from “awakening love until the time is right” (see Song of Songs 3:5). It’s a way that will help you continue to live out a sex180: treat each other like brothers and sisters.
Got that visual? Yeah, keep going. We’ll explain.