One of the greatest friends I (Chip) have ever had in my life is my sister, Punkie. She is barely over a year older than me. In high school we took tons of classes together. I could talk to her about everything. Through Punkie I learned how girls think and why they do what they do. I saw in her life and in her character what I wanted in a girlfriend or mate someday. We talked, laughed, shared, and consoled one another through good times and bad. She came to know Christ in high school, and through her life I saw the difference between being religious and having a real relationship with Jesus.
Why do I share this? Because Tim and I have worked with and talked to thousands of teens and have learned that being friends is important, but we know an even deeper and more powerful way to relate to the opposite sex that will do way more than simply keep your hormones in check. It will teach you how to build the kind of relationship that we all long for. If you think becoming friends is radical, listen to what God says about how to treat the opposite sex:
Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.
1 Timothy 5:1–2
Aren’t there some boundaries that almost automatically emerge if we treat each other as a brother or sister? I mean, think of how you treat your biological sister or brother.
Do you ever hug him or her? Of course.
Do you hug him or her like you hug some other people? Ewww. Of course not.
Do you ever express affection physically for a brother or sister in your family? Absolutely.
Are there certain places or ways that you would never touch your brother or sister? Yes!
Now that we’ve planted that image firmly in your mind and totally grossed you out, let’s move on.
If you are a follower of Jesus Christ, you’re part of God’s family. First John 3:1 says, “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!”
Like it or not, that girl or guy you’re crushin’ on is your brother or sister, spiritually speaking, of course (hopefully). Recognizing that reality can help you raise some serious walls in your relationship.
You can live out the sacredness and seriousness of sex. The friends thing? You may have gone that route before, and that’s not a problem. But when you start thinking about the other person as your brother or sister in Christ—well, those are some revolutionary thoughts.
What if we said we’re going to be friends first, and then, while being friends, said we’re going to act like we’re related and treat one another like brothers and sisters? What would that look like?
[ what you won’t do ]
First, seeing each other as brother and sister means you back off the physical part of the relationship. Remember the stages in a relationship from chapter 7 (spiritual, psychological, social, emotional, physical)? When you start factoring in the family connection, suddenly the physical being last on the list doesn’t seem like as big of a deal.
Sometimes you will want to express what you’re feeling inside in some way other than a smile or a glance. But the bro/sis thing will slow things down.
Bobby had been dating a girl for about a week when a friend asked him if he and his girlfriend had kissed. Bobby was intentionally taking things slow to make sure he was living out what he believed. He said, “The way I see it, the faster, sooner, and farther you go, the harder it becomes to live pure. I want to make sure that whatever I do, my relationship isn’t a physical one. I want the emotions and God to be there before any lips ever touch. So many Christians are like, ‘There’s nothing wrong with kissing on the first date.’ Yeah, there is. It’s like you’re going down a hill—the faster you go, the quicker you fall.”
Second, seeing each other as brother and sister means you think twice about why you’re doing what you’re doing. It’s not just about what you physically do (or don’t do) with someone. It’s also about getting honest about why you’re doing it.
“I was in a relationship for about five months,” Mike said. “It was a good relationship. We were both Christians. But the thing that I beat myself up about is that I moved way too fast. We didn’t go any further than kissing, but I felt like our relationship was based on our kissing. We would get together and hang out, then there would be the period of kissing. I felt like I was having sex. I’m not saying I was literally having sex, but it just felt like I was turning my back on God.”
So does that mean that Christians shouldn’t kiss? It all depends. For Mike, kissing was a big deal. It was something that had become way too important to him. There was something about kissing in that relationship, in that situation, that he knew was wrong, and it was taking priority over obeying what he thought God wanted him to do.
He hadn’t done the work of moving through the spiritual, psychological, social, and emotional stages. He was giving the physical too much priority. Even though he wasn’t having sex, kissing was still messing up how he knew he should be handling this relationship.
“I felt like kissing was my idol, and it totally consumed the relationship,” Mike continued. “It’s what led to the end of us being together. I just felt like we were so far off from what a Christian relationship should be. I look back, and as the guy, I should have been the leader in the relationship. I should have been the one stepping up and guiding us in the direction we should be going. But I felt like I took it the other way and turned the relationship into idol worship.”
Drawing physical lines is tough because not only is your body telling you one thing, but our culture backs it up. Relationships have all these stages, all these unspoken levels, and if you want to have a “real” relationship, you’re supposed to go through those motions. First base, just friends, going out, dating—whatever the label, attached to it is usually some kind of list of physical actions that you’re expected to be doing at that point.
But when you think of the other person as your brother or sister in Christ, you bring a whole new level of caution to the relationship—despite how innocent or acceptable the ways you want to express your affection may seem. You want to draw the physical boundaries much earlier and much bolder.
So what does it mean to live out this brother/sister thing? After all, just the thought of dating your brother or sister is enough to send most people into therapy!
not so great siblings
Amnon was Tamar’s half-brother. They shared the same dad, King David. Amnon fell in love with Tamar—actually it was more like lust. Second Samuel 13:2 says: “Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.” Yeah, ewww.
But those family boundaries didn’t stop Amnon. In fact, he developed a plan to “have” her. He asked Tamar to make him some bread at his home. When she arrived, he asked her to bring it to his bedroom. He had sent everyone away, and they were in the house alone.
When she took the bread to him, Amnon grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister” (2 Samuel 13:11).
“‘Don’t, my brother!’ she said to him. ‘Don’t force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.’ But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her” (2 Samuel 13:12–14).
Amnon not only disrespected family boundaries and committed a vile and violent act, he also discarded Tamar’s reputation and desires simply for his own personal pleasure. And then after he got what he wanted, he threw Tamar away. “Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, ‘Get up and get out!’” (2 Samuel 13:15).
Does anyone actually live this brother/sister idea out? Mike is trying. He said, “Before I think about getting into a relationship with a girl, I look at her spiritual life. I want her to be at a level and maturity in her faith where we can have that relationship. I think the biggest thing is for a girl to just be real—to be real in her faith in God. I’ve had dating relationships with girls, and I’ve had awesome brother/sister in Christ relationships. The dating relationships with the girls have been great, but the brother/sister in Christ relationships have been so much better. They have been guided by godly means. When it comes down to it, the Christian relationship is to build each other up.
“Right now at this time in our lives, we need to build our foundation for the future. I’m 17, and I haven’t been through anything hard. During this time in our lives, we need to make sure our foundation is strong because there are going to be a lot of tests that come. We need to be fully rooted in our faith at a young age; it’s going to be hard to get rooted later on. Before you can get into a relationship, you need to be rooted. That relationship, that brother/sister relationship in Christ, should make it stronger. I think it’s an awesome thing if it’s done right.”
The apostle Paul would agree. Paul wrote to the church in Rome: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10).
So how do you do it right? How do you keep the physical aspect of your relationship in check? How do you respect the natural brother/sister boundaries that God intends and not only enjoy each other’s company but actually build each other up?
Think about how you would want someone to treat your brother or sister. How would you want someone to respect him or her? How would you want someone to see your sibling? How would you want someone to watch out for your brother or sister?
[ respect my bro or sis ]
Listen to pop princesses or watch their videos and see them talk about how guys are jerks and how they’re going to use guys just as much as guys have used them. Or listen to rappers sing about all the girls they’re going to have sex with.
Respecting the other person as a brother or sister means recognizing that this person is not an object or a play toy. He or she is a human being, someone God considers valuable—so valuable that he sent his Son to give his life for that person.
Psalm 8:3–6 says: “When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. You made him ruler over the works of your hands; you put everything under his feet.”
God places great value on human life—our culture doesn’t. Our culture thinks everyone has a price tag and everyone is an opportunity for our pleasure. We’re disposable.
“In a relationship,” says Annie, “it’s not so self-focused. A guy might think, ‘I really want to kiss her now,’ but is that really benefiting the girl? Will that really help her out in the future? So many times in a relationship we want to do something right now because it’s fulfilling or enjoyable for us. But how are our actions affecting someone else?”
God values humanity so much that he sent his Son in human form to give us a new way to be human, a new way to live as flesh and blood, guided by the Holy Spirit and God’s Word, the Bible.
That brother or sister you’ve got your eye on is not just there for your amusement, ego boost, or personal fulfillment. He or she is a person with a background, a family. He or she is someone with dreams and goals.
What if we quit seeing people as objects and started seeing them as walking stories? People who have histories, memories, dreams, experiences, families, and friends.
When you see a hot guy walk into the room, you don’t camp out on his looks. Instead, you find out about the person.
When you see a hot girl walk into youth group, you find out her story and don’t just settle for staring at the cover.
Living out a sex180, living out this revolution, forces you to see more of that story. It’s why you start out as friends, and it’s why you see each other as brother and sister. You put in the effort to understand where someone is spiritually, socially, mentally.
Why do you think dads always want to meet your date? It’s because your dad wants to make sure that whoever you’re going out with realizes you’re part of a family. He or she needs to see you not just as someone to go out with but as a person with many different aspects to your life. (Not to mention that he wants your date to know that if you hurt his daughter or son, you’re going to have to deal with him.)
Getting to know the family is also why courting is popular with some people. Spending time with someone you like and his or her family makes you think twice about your actions because you see how crossing physical lines would affect not only that person but also his or her entire family.
God wants to make sure that you know the guy or girl you’re spending time with is part of a family—his family. He values him or her as much as he values you. And he wants you to treat that person with the same amount of respect that he wants you to be treated with.
[ love their skills ]
Just as you would want someone dating your brother or sister to respect them, you also would want that person to appreciate your sibling for who he or she really is.
You would want to see your brother with someone who recognizes his skills and encourages him to use them.
You would want to see your sister with someone who sees her strengths and provides support.
You would want them to treat your sibling in a way that allowed them the ability to express themselves in the unique way God made them. Nothing controlling, manipulative, or possessive at all.
Not everyone is wired the same. People react in different ways. So if you want to respect someone for who they are, you need to take the time to get to know them and avoid the temptation to believe that he or she is exactly like you—because they’re not.
Just look at your siblings. You live in the same house. You probably have the same parents. And yet how can two people who have so much in common be so different?
It’s because we’re not clones. We’re each given a unique set of DNA. We each bear the fingerprint of a Creator. We may have things in common, but we also have a lot of differences.
Treating one another as a brother or sister in Christ means accepting those differences. It means respecting one another’s strengths and weaknesses. It means encouraging one another to use the gifts and abilities God has entrusted to each of us. It means knowing each other beyond the outside shell.
Both Chip and I (Tim) have twin sons. His sons are grown. Mine are in preschool. My sons are identical twins. People usually look at them and merge them into one person called “the twins.” But since I’m part of their family, their dad, I see them as individuals, not as “the twins.”
I know who likes to talk a lot and who only talks when he has something to say.
I know who is fearless and who holds back.
I know who eats whatever food is put in front of him and who would eat only peanut butter and jelly sandwiches if he was allowed.
I know who likes to do things by himself and who likes to have people around all the time.
Because my sons are part of my family, I know things about them that people outside our family don’t know. You can probably relate. You know things about your mom, dad, brother, or sister that other people don’t—and they know things about you too! Most of the time, your family knows you very well.
Treating each other like brother and sister means respecting those differences and loving the other person simply because they’re part of your family. Not because you have to, but because you share a common heritage with God as your Father!
[ don’t hurt ’em! ]
Ever seen a big brother or sister in action? Not only do older siblings like to be in charge, but they also have a natural tendency to watch over younger brothers or sisters.
When you think about someone dating your brother or sister, you want someone who will not only respect him or her and see all the great things he or she has to offer but also keep your sibling out of harm.
Would you want your sister to date someone who abused her—physically or emotionally?
Would you want your brother to go out with someone who played games with him, flirting for a while and then dumping him after a couple of weeks?
Would you want your brother or sister to go out with a person who constantly pushed him or her to get more and more physical?
No matter how mad your brother or sister makes you, you wouldn’t wish those scenarios on them!
Now, what about the object of your affection? If they were your brother or sister, how would you want someone to treat them?
Guess what? If you’re in a relationship with someone, you’re in a position to act on that. You can make sure that the other person is protected.
First of all, you can protect the other person by getting a handle on your own emotions. If you go insanely jealous any time you see them talking to another person, you can control that. Not by trying to control them but by keeping your own heart in check. Just because you’re in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean you own them. That kind of jealousy is grounded in fear, and fear does ugly things to people. You can protect someone by not trying to control him or her.
If you tend to manipulate the other person to make sure the relationship is all about you—what you need, what you want to do, what you want to talk about—you can control that too. You can protect the other person from your manipulative games by remembering it’s not all about you. Your mom and dad always told you to share with your brother or sister, and that means putting your needs on the back burner sometimes.
And when it comes to protecting the other person’s purity (and yours), you can control that too. Especially guys. If you want to be a man, a real man, step up and lead.
In a marriage, guys are called to be the spiritual leaders of their home (see Ephesians 5:23). But guys, this isn’t just a future, someday thing. You are training now for your future role. You can be a leader in your relationships now by stepping up and not putting your girl in a situation where you know you’re both going to be tempted. Just like girls should help you out by watching what they wear, you can help a girl out by protecting her and not manipulating her through situations and emotions. Know when she’s vulnerable. Know when you’re vulnerable. And when the two of you are at those points—just stay away from each other.
When you both are weak, living out the sex180 becomes so much harder. Not impossible, but definitely more difficult. Audrey has found this true in her relationship. She tries hard to make sure she doesn’t cross the physical boundaries she and her boyfriend have set up. But they both struggle with staying focused on God’s sex180 way.
Audrey says: “When a boyfriend and a girlfriend are out alone, I feel like the boy is the spiritual leader. The guy should pray about it and should pray about not putting themselves in tempting situations. That’s when it’s the most difficult—when you’re alone or you’re anywhere you can be horizontal or anything like that. Boys are weak, and girls are weak too. You can’t really say one is stronger than the other, because when it gets down to it and you’re lost in the moment, it’s tough. It’s really hard to say no. It’s more about not putting yourself in those situations and the boy not being selfish.”
Recognizing and honoring the family bonds that we have in Christ can raise some significant protective walls in relationships. Seeing another person in the context of their bigger story—their individuality, their family, their skills—helps us see the object of our affection less as an object and more as another human being.
[ the revolution inside ]
With both the friendship and the family ties established in your relationship, you’re ready to live out the third and final revolutionary way of relating to one another.
[ wait a minute! ]
We’ve thrown out a lot of things to think about. And as you read through the friends and brother/sister stuff, you might have been thinking, “This is interesting, but honestly this isn’t the way the world—or my world—works.” But that’s exactly the point!
We’re talking about becoming purposely countercultural. Let go of the way our culture says to do relationships. Put it down and walk away.
If you’re a follower of Christ, you’re called to live your life in a radically different way than how the world normally operates. You’re called to love enemies. Forgive people who hurt you. Believe in the unseen. Think of others before yourself.
First Peter 2:11–12 says you’re no longer wired like the rest of the world: “Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.”
People aren’t always going to understand why you do what you do. At times you’re going to feel like an alien—not the extraterrestrial, “take me to your leader” kind but the living in a foreign country kind. You’re going to feel like you don’t fit in with the culture, you don’t know the language, and you sure don’t understand all the customs.
Don’t let that hold you back. Just because you live here in this culture, in this world, doesn’t mean you have to live like everyone else. If you know a better way to do things, then do it. That’s what living the revolution, living a sex180, is all about.
Start out as friends, real friends. Treat each other like a brother or sister. And the final way to be revolutionary is to help each other grow spiritually.
We’re not talking superficial “God talk” or simply going to church or youth group together. We’re talking about a revolutionary, authentic relationship that causes the other person to look back three to five years from now and say, “Wow, I got so much closer to Jesus because of that person.” So how do you do that? Keep reading!