Alison spent Friday trying to catch a glimpse of Paul to see if he seemed any better but hardly got a moment to herself all day. For some reason the butcher’s was busier than she’d ever seen it. Everyone was coming in wanting to get meat for the weekend and they kept running out of stock in the front of the store and having to go to the fridges or back room to fetch more. Fred had no choice at one point but to ask her to deal with her pet hate: liver and kidneys.
‘Sooner you start, sooner you’ll finish,’ he said abruptly. He couldn’t afford to be soft about this. He knew she couldn’t stand the feel of them but she had to learn. ‘Just pretend they’re sausages or mince and sort them like that. I don’t want you shaking with nerves and having it all slithering about out front when someone wants a pound for steak and kidney pudding.’
Alison pulled a face as she turned her back but knew he was right. She’d avoided touching them since her first day and the thought of doing so had got worse and worse. She just had to get on with it. Gingerly she approached the pile of kidneys, shining dark red in the pale morning sun. They wobbled as she lifted the tray. She tried not to look as they shone and jiggled when she carried them towards the scales.
‘That’s it,’ said Fred encouragingly. He’d never had a problem with it himself. Meat was meat – you simply had to accept it came in different colours and textures. He saw a kind of beauty in it, the way you could cut different pieces and use them for different meals. He liked to think nothing was wasted. Now he was keen to pass on his knowledge, but he’d have to get Alison over this hurdle first.
‘Ugh, give me a nice sausage any day,’ she groaned. ‘I don’t mind eating it but this is horrible.’ Still, she managed to weigh out a pound and slide it into a small dish. ‘Right, and the next.’ Slowly she forced herself to work through the whole tray until she had a row of dishes each with its shiny maroon pile. ‘There’s just this bit left over.’
‘Sure you don’t want that for lunch?’
‘You’re joking. I’m never going near it again.’
‘But you did well,’ he said seriously. ‘I know you don’t like it. But you haven’t had to run out the back once. See? You’re getting better at this. On your first day I thought you were going to spend all the time being sick. Now you’re a seasoned professional.’
‘Not quite.’ Alison still couldn’t get used to receiving compliments, even though Fred always commented when she’d done something right. They were a novelty and she wasn’t quite sure what she should say. She was pleased though. A few weeks ago she couldn’t have done it. Fred was good at teaching her and putting her at ease, she realised. It felt good to have learnt something.
Around the middle of the afternoon the door opened and in came Jill Parrot. ‘Hello, Alison! I’d heard you were working here. Oh, what lovely kidneys. Don’t they look delicious? I’ll take enough for a pie for all my lot at home. We’re having a treat as my Lennie got a bonus for all his overtime. Better make it a pound and are those leftovers? Them as well. I don’t know where Neville puts it all.’
Fred nodded in satisfaction as Alison wrapped the parcel and cut some steak too, chatting to Jill all the while. The girl was doing well. She’d got over whatever was bothering her earlier in the week and had the makings of a good assistant yet.
By the time they came to close up for the day, what was left of the early sun had gone and the clouds were threatening again. ‘Typical,’ said Fred, wiping down the counter. ‘Usual weekend weather. You got any plans, Alison?’
‘Not really.’ She was leaning over the counter, trying to see if Paul was winding in the awning next door. ‘Might have to go over to Jill’s if she’s got the patterns for the bridesmaid’s dress.’ There he was. She grabbed her coat. ‘Right, I’ll be off then. Have a good weekend, Fred.’
‘Give my regards to your mother.’
‘I will.’ She hurried through the door and then reminded herself not to be too flustered. Taking a deep breath she sauntered over to where Paul was taking in the last of the boxes. ‘Are you feeling better today, then?’
Paul glanced up and immediately noticed the eager gleam in her eyes.
‘Not too bad. Better than yesterday.’ It was true. He couldn’t have managed the boxes before. He was almost back to normal and he smiled. Time to start the weekend with a bit of fun.
Alison grinned shyly and looked away. ‘I think it’s going to rain.’
‘Of course it will. It’s Friday.’ He pretended to hesitate. ‘Are you walking up the road? Hang on a mo and I’ll come with you. I’ll just leave my overall inside.’
‘All right.’ Alison felt herself blush and wished she didn’t do so every time he spoke to her. As he disappeared through the ironmonger’s door the first few spots began to fall. She turned to glance up at the sky. It was getting darker and darker.
‘Here we are.’ Paul was back, shrugging into his overcoat. She could see it was almost as worn out as her mac. ‘Let’s get away before our bosses call us back.’
‘I don’t think mine would,’ Alison felt bound to say. She didn’t spot Fred at the window of the butcher’s as the pair of them began to head away from the row of shops.
‘Mine definitely would,’ Paul said. ‘He’s mean like that. If he can stop anyone enjoying themselves then he will. It’s how he is. Doesn’t believe in having a good time. Not like me.’ He drew ahead and faced her. ‘What about you? Do you like a good time?’
‘Well, I …’ She wasn’t sure what to say. What did he mean by a good time? A trip to the cinema, or even to a dance hall? Was he about to ask her out? She’d never been dancing but perhaps her luck was turning. She couldn’t read his expression though. The rain began to fall harder.
The pavement began to shine like pewter with all the raindrops. As the rain got harder, the water started to flow down the street, picking up rubbish and carrying it into the gutter. Alison wasn’t sure she wanted to go very far in this weather. She had dreamed about looking her best for Paul and if she was to go on her first trip with a young man, she didn’t want to be soaked through. Her feet began to squelch.
They were passing the entrance to an alleyway, narrow and dark from the tall buildings to either side, but drier than the pavement. ‘Here, let’s shelter.’ He pushed her inside. ‘That’s better. Don’t want to ruin your hair now, do we?’ He caught hold of her straggling hair and tugged her towards him. She gasped. What was he doing? Was this normal? ‘What were we saying about a good time? Are you going to show me a good time?’
‘What … what …’ Alison wasn’t sure about the way this was going. She’d fantasised about getting up close to him but he was hurting her. ‘Hang on, let go, that’s …’
He stopped her by clapping a hand over her mouth. ‘Shut up. No need to talk. Don’t put me off.’ Suddenly his hands were all over her, pawing her, opening her mac, pulling up her skirt, fumbling beneath. She tried to break away but he was too strong. All his frailty of yesterday had gone. She was pinned against the slimy wall of the alley and couldn’t get him off. He was breathing heavily, almost grunting. Then she felt something strange and very painful. He was inside her, pushing, pumping, making her feel as if she was being ripped open. What was he doing? This was nothing like she’d imagined. This was agony. His breath was red hot on her skin. His mouth was on a level with her neck and she hated the sensation. Finally she freed herself enough to scream.
At once he pulled away and slapped her hard. ‘Shut up. I told you. Shut up.’ He fastened his trousers in a hurry. ‘Stupid bitch. What are you screaming for? You’ve been begging for this for weeks. Don’t pretend you haven’t.’ He grabbed her chin and almost spat in her face. ‘Don’t you go saying anything about this. Nobody will believe you. And if they do I’ll say you begged me for it and I did it out of kindness. Look at you. I’m taking pity on you, I am. Who else is going to fuck you? So you just stay quiet. Right, I’m off. Things to do, people to see. And remember to keep that mouth of yours shut. You don’t want to make me angry. I’ll be sure to hear about it if you try to tell anybody.’ And he was gone.
Alison sank to the ground, barely registering that it was covered in stinking rubbish. She trembled with shock. Her face stung, her insides had been torn apart. What had he done? Is this what Hazel had taunted her about, what men did to women? Even though she worked with carcasses all day she didn’t know much about what bodies did. This didn’t feel right. This wasn’t what she wanted. She couldn’t understand how fun, flirty Paul had turned into a monster in the blink of an eye.
Slowly she made herself stand up. She couldn’t stay here, she’d freeze. She tried a few steps to see if she could walk and found that she could, though she didn’t know how she managed it. All the lower pieces of her body felt as if they’d been rearranged.
Gradually she wandered to the mouth of the alley and out into the rain, where the water fell on her face and cooled it. She did up her mac. One button was missing, but she could mend that. She didn’t know if she could put everything else right. She felt as if all her dreams had been thrown to the filthy ground and trampled on. Her hopes for a romantic future had been based on nothing. She was what she had always been – the ugly sister, the worthless one. She was back where she’d started, only feeling even more stupid for believing her life was changing for the better. As she headed for Ennis Street she resolved to tell them nothing. Not because Paul had threatened her, but because she would never bear the shame.