M ommy’s drinking had become a serious problem. She kept her liquor hidden from Mr. Lord, stashing bottles inside the dishwasher and other odd places. She had tons of secret places, and wanting to protect her, I never breathed a word to Mr. Lord. On the nights that he wasn’t scheduled to come over to give her training, she drank openly, stumbhng around our townhouse, muttering profanities.
“Please don’t drink,” I’d said when she retrieved her flask from one of her hiding spots, and turned it up to her mouth. “Suppose Mr. Lord comes over tonight?
“Fuck him!” she hissed, completely out of character. “Mr. Lord can kiss my ass,” she said crudely and then took a sip from the flask.
I was stunned and appalled by Mommy’s coarse language. For her to speak Mr. Lord’s name in a profanity- laced tirade was practically sacrilege. I looked around, making sure he hadn’t slipped inside the house without our knowing it. I couldn’t begin to imagine the consequences if he’d overheard the terrible things Mommy had just said.
“You shouldn’t say nasty things about Mr. Lord,” I cautioned.
“Why not?” she said in a slurred voice. “He’s out of town. He didn’t invite you and he didn’t invite me. All men are alike. I bet Mr. Lord did the same thing your real father did...went out and got himself a brand-new family. Kicked us to the curb!” Her voice was gruff and her lips were twisted spitefully. Mommy had changed a lot over the past year. She was still a stunning beauty when she was sober, but she was an ugly, vile stranger when she started drinking. “Mr. Lord has replaced you with another teenage girl, so get over it,” she taunted.
“What are you talking about? Mr. Lord loves me like a daughter.”
“You’ll see. Mark my words. One day he’s going to replace you, just like he replaced me.” She pointed a finger at me and laughed maliciously. Stumbling around the family room, she continued her drunken rant, calling Mr. Lord every name in the book. In the midst of her angry outburst, I saw headlights through the curtains and was horrified to realize that Mr. Lord was paying us an unexpected visit. Terrified of falling from favor for not reporting Mommy’s drunkenness, I quickly called his cell phone, pretending that I didn’t know he was in our driveway.
“Mr. Lord, Mommy’s been drinking. I’m scared. Can you come over right away?” I blurted in a voice that shook with genuine terror, though it wasn’t Mommy I feared.
“I’m right outside, Fonia. Did she harm you?”
“No, but she’s been threatening me,” I said, referring to her comment about Mr. Lord replacing me.
“Go to your room and lock the door. I’ll handle Lena.”
“Okay, thank you,” I said, feeling like a traitor, but I’d warned her that she might get caught. There was no reason why I should have to share responsibility for her misdeeds.
Mr. Lord didn’t raise his voice. He simply took away the alcohol and told Mommy to go to bed. He knocked on my bedroom door and I quickly opened it.
“Is she okay?” I asked anxiously.
“She’s sleeping it off,” he said bitterly and I became teary-eyed, imagining that he might be so fed up with Mommy that he’d leave and never return.
“Why are you crying?” he asked.
“Because Mommy said you’re going to leave us; she said you have a new family.”
“That’s not true. First of all, Lena is not my family... you are. I only put up with her because of you,” he said, wiping away my tears. “Lena is weak and deceitful and you’re nothing like her...are you?”
I shook my head adamantly. “No, I’m nothing like her, Mr. Lord.” I burst into tears, feeling bad for betraying my mother, but she’d given me no choice.
He embraced me as I sobbed. “Lena promised me that she was going to quit drinking, and I believed her. I’m proud of you for letting me know the truth. I don’t
want you to be deceitful like your mother. Don’t keep secrets from me, Fonia. Do you understand?”
I nodded.
“If I ever find out that you’ve been a naughty girl, you won’t like the consequences.”
“I won’t keep secrets, Mr. Lord. I promise.”
2008
On my sixteenth birthday, Mr. Lord took me to New York to shop for clothes and jewelry and he also took me to a Broadway play. Mommy was on drinking binge, so we had to leave her at home. The day after we returned home, Mr. Lord had a beautiful birthday cake delivered.
Mommy was back to her regular self, dignified and sober. It seemed that everything was back to normal and that Mr. Lord had forgiven her for getting drunk on my birthday.
We all had a slice of cake, and then Mommy had to excuse herself and do some work in Mr. Lord’s office.
While she worked, Mr. Lord and I cuddled together on the couch, watching TV. “Would you like another slice of your birthday cake?” he asked.
He usually didn’t allow me to have extra sweets, and I was surprised by the offer.
“Is it okay?” I asked cautiously.
“Sure, have another slice.”
I went in the kitchen and cut a small slice and sat down at the table.
“Bring it in here, and finish watching TV” he called from the family room. It surprised me that he’d invited me into the room. Mr. Lord had rigid rules about eating food in areas other than the kitchen and dining rooms.
Timidly, I brought the slice of cake into the family room and sat down, very careful not to drop a crumb. Even though I had his permission, I felt anxious about breaking one of his rules.
Surprisingly, he took the plate from me and swiped icing from the cake. He poised his finger near my bps, inviting me to taste the chocolate. Feeling modest, I looked around, hoping Mommy didn’t come out of the office. She became easily jealous, and her jealousy often led to drinking binges. I believed if she saw him feeding me icing from his finger, she’d react with hostility.
Though she’d gotten too drunk to celebrate my sixteenth birthday, Mr. Lord had been lenient with her, and hadn’t disciplined her. But if she flew into a jealous rage, he’d march her upstairs, close the door, and give her a sound spanking.
Self-consciously, my tongue darted out and I licked a bit of the chocolate from his finger.
“I thought you loved chocolate.”
“I do.” I cut an eye at the door to his office, on the
lookout for Mommy.
He stared at me, and I noticed an angry look in his
eyes that was usually reserved for Mommy. It was the way he looked at her when she’d forgotten to do something he’d told her, or when he had to repeat himself after giving her an instruction.
Obeying his silent command, I opened my mouth and ardently sucked the flavorful icing from his finger. After I’d licked his finger clean, he kissed me on the forehead and said, “That’s my good girl. Want some more?”
I didn’t want any more, but I didn’t want to upset him, either. “Yes, please,” I said with my hands folded in my lap while sitting perfectly erect with my knees pressed together. Sitting like the poised and well-mannered young lady that he had raised me to be.
He gazed at me and smiled warmly. “You’re fike clay, Fonia. Unlike your mother, you’re so easy to mold.”
Receiving praise from Mr. Lord inspired me, and I turned to him with my lips parted, waiting for more chocolate icing. I craved the praise that he bestowed upon me each time I licked his finger clean.
He smeared his fingertip with more chocolate and held his finger close to my lips. When I opened my mouth, he withdrew his hand, forcing me to stretch my neck and lean forward to get the icing. It was slightly humiliating, but I put pride aside and sought out his chocolate-coated finger.
He dipped his finger in the icing again, and this time, he held his arm up in the air with his finger pointed toward the ceiling. Perplexed, I gazed at him. Mr. Lord
and I had never played this game and I didn’t know what he wanted me to do.
“Do you want it?”
“Yes.”
“You’re a smart girl; figure out a way to get it. You have ten seconds.” Laughing, he started counting.
Panicked, I kicked off my shoes and stood on the couch. Now towering over him, I leaned over and sucked the chocolate from his finger. Afterwards, I was mortified, and quickly resumed my position on the sofa, sitting like a proper young lady. I didn’t like this game. I’d be more comfortable with it if Mommy wasn’t right down the hall.
“You don’t have to sit erect. Relax, Princess. He opened his arms to me and I leaned against his chest. For reasons I didn’t understand, I felt like crying. Sensing my somber mood, he began stroking my hair. “You’ll do anything I tell you to do, won’t you. Princess?”
“Yes,” I said with a sniffle, feeling degraded by the game we’d played.
“There’s no reason for tears. You’re perfecdy obedient and I’m completely satisfied with your submissiveness.”
“Thank you.” Pleased by his compliment, I began to feel better. I cuddled closer to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head on chest. He nuzzled my neck. “Whose good girl are you?”
“I’m your good girl,” I responded eagerly.
“And don’t ever forget who you belong to,” he said, brushing his lips against my neck. His mustache tickled
my skin, but the warmth of his breath on my flesh was reassuring and I felt cherished. The closeness...the affection he was bestowing upon me was my reward for following his commands. No longer tense, I closed my eyes dreamily as he fed me the rest of the cake from his hand. After I’d eaten the last crumb of cake, he inserted his finger into my mouth. Like a child sucks its thumb, I sucked his finger for comfort. It was very soothing. I felt comforted. I felt safe and loved.
Mommy suddenly entered the family room, holding a few sheets of paper in her hand. She faltered in her steps and flinched as she observed the intimacy between Mr. Lord and me.
She coughed, cleared her throat, and raked a shaky hand through her hair. “So sorry to interrupt you, Mr. Lord, but the fax you were waiting for just came through,” she said with her eyes focused on the floor.
Mr. Lord didn’t speak right away; he looked down at me. “Are you upset. Princess?”
I nodded. “A little,” I whispered, feeling like I’d been caught doing something bad.
“Are you really sorry you interrupted me, Lena?” he inquired in a cold tone.
“I would never deliberately interrupt you, but you told me to keep an eye out for this fax. I’m only doing what I was told,” she said in a pathetic tone of voice.
“Don’t ever interrupt my alone-time with Fonia. Unlike you, there’s still hope for your daughter. Do you want to
ruin her chances of succeeding in life?” His voice had risen; he was obviously perturbed. Why did Mommy have to come into the room and ruin our peaceful, alone time?
“I apologize, sir,” Mommy said.
He didn’t respond, and you could cut the tension in the room with a knife. I shot a glance at Mr. Lord, hoping he’d accept her apology and let her get back to work.
Mommy was in an awful predicament, but I was still on Mr. Lord’s good side. He’d told me that I was his good girl, so I relaxed in the knowledge that although she was constantly getting herself in trouble, I knew how to behave. He’d never replace me with another girl as Mommy had alleged. I was his perfect, little submissive.
She took a few steps toward him, holding out the papers.
“Fonia and I are watching TV and you’re blocking our view! Isn’t that right. Princess?” he said, stroking the side of my face.
She immediately stepped out of the way. I felt sorry for my mother and wanted to help her, but I wasn’t allowed to dispute Mr. Lord’s words. “Yes, she was blocking our view, but I can see the TV now,” I mumbled in a miserable voice.
“If you must make a nuisance of yourself, Lena, then hurry up! Bring me the papers.” He waved her over to the couch, but the moment she took a step in front of the TV again, he halted her with a gesture. “What’s your problem? I told you, you were in the way!” He let out a sound of frustration.
“What do you want me to do?” she said in an escalated tone.
There were two entrances into the family room: the left side of the corridor and the dining room area led into the family room. Mr. Lord pointed, indicating Mommy should back out of the room and reenter from the dining area. It took her a moment to realize what he wanted her to do. Her hesitation infuriated him.
“Never mind, you dim-wit. Get down on your knees and bring me the papers. Crawl to me.”
“Mr. Lord, if you don’t mind, I can do that later—in private,” she said, her eyes darting embarrassedly to my face.
“No, Lena. I want you to crawl now.”
She closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath. Clutching the papers, she lowered herself slowly and crawled over to the couch. She remained on all fours with her head down as he perused the pages.
After he finished reading, he instructed her to put the papers on his desk. Still on her hands and knees, she turned around.
“Get off the floor, Lena. You move faster when you’re upright.” Mr. Lord observed her with disgust. Red-faced, she immediately came to her feet, but kept her eyes trained to the floor.
“Did crawling around on the floor in front of your daughter embarrass you?” he asked.
“Yes, very much,” she replied.
“But it doesn’t matter if you disgrace yourself and set a bad example for her when you get drunk on her birthday.”
“I only had a glass of wine. I think my new medication had a bad effect on me.”
“That’s a flimsy excuse. You’re not fit to be Fonia’s mother. Do you realize that?”
Eyes downcast, she nodded. “I’m going to get help.”
Mr. Lord scoffed and waved her away with an impatient hand gesture. “That’s enough work for today. I want you to go to your room and contemplate how your drunkenness is impacting Fonia. I’ll join you later and you can expect severe consequences.”
Mommy nodded solenmly, and then went to the office with the papers. She came out of the office and headed for the staircase.
“Lena!” he bellowed. His voice was venomous and I nearly jumped out of my skin.
“Yes, Mr. Lord,” she said, stopping cold.
“Come and get Fonia’s plate. Wash it and make sure you don’t leave it in the dish rack. Dry it and put it in its proper place.”
I had nervous jitters as I Ustened to my mother clattering around in the kitchen. She was a wreck, and I was afraid she’d accidentally break the plate or forget to wipe every drop of water out of the sink. I wondered why it was so difficult for her to be a perfect submissive like me.
After she retired to her bedroom, I was too upset to
concentrate on what we’d been watching, and I was relieved when Mr. Lord aimed the remote and turned off the XV “It’s bedtime, Fonia.” He gave me a nudge to get up, which I did immediately. “Your mother’s a weak woman, and she’s very deceitful. Unfortunately, I have to deal with her right now.”
I nodded, but my feelings were conflicted. I loved my mother and didn’t want her to be in trouble with Mr. Lord, but at the same time, I was upset with her for being so weak and deceitful.
I headed toward my bedroom while Mr. Lord strode in the direction of Mommy’s room. From the comer of my eye, I saw him unbuckling his belt, and I bit down on my lip. Mommy's really gonna get it! I thought sorrowfully.