Chapter Nine

The Pardon of Detours

Two monks were on their way to a particular destination. On their way they had to cross a shallow river to get to where they were going. But when they reached the river, they ran across an elderly, heavyset woman sitting by the bank of the river. She sat there crying, and so the two monks asked her what was wrong. She proceeded to tell them that she was unable to cross the river.

She was too scared to go out in it all alone.

The two monks had sympathy for the elderly lady, and so they offered to carry her across the river. Together they picked her up and proceeded to wade into the water, gently getting themselves and her across to the other side. Once they made it to the other side, the elderly woman thanked them profusely and then went on her way. The two monks continued on to their destination. Yet as they were walking, one of the monks started to complain about the pain in his back. He mumbled, “Wow, carrying that woman across the river was really difficult. Now my back is hurting so bad.”

The other monk answered his complaint with encouragement, “Well, let’s keep going. You can make it.”

“No,” the complaining monk retorted. “I can’t. I can’t go on. Carrying that woman was hard. I’m hurting too bad.” The monk paused and then asked his friend, “Aren’t you hurting too?”

To which the other monk replied, “No, I got rid of her five miles ago.”

A lot of us are failing to reach our destinations because we are still feeling loaded down by the pain of the past. The weight of yesterday continues to weigh us down today, keeping us from moving freely into tomorrow. Nothing—and I mean nothing—will hinder you arriving at your destiny like this thing called unforgiveness. Unforgiveness includes holding on to past pain, past hurts, past grudges—the weightiness of regret, remorse, and revenge. Unforgiveness is that one thing above all else that will block God’s movement in your life taking you from where you are to where you are supposed to go.

When you hang on to the weight of yesterday, it will hinder the progress to tomorrow. Unforgiveness is the critical area that must be addressed if you are going to reach your destiny.

If anyone had a right to be angry, bitter, and to hold a grudge, it was Joseph. Joseph grew up in a dysfunctional family under a dysfunctional father, was dumped in a pit, sold into slavery, unjustly jailed, and then forgotten. If anyone had a right to be angry and to say, “Life is not fair!” it was Joseph. The life of Joseph fills the pages from chapter 37 to chapter 50 of Genesis, so it is obvious that God wanted us to learn from this man. He wanted us to zero in on this man’s life lessons. God gave so much of the first book of the Bible to Joseph because He wanted to show us the key components to living a life of destiny. And one of those critical components Joseph had to grapple with—and that you and I will have to grapple with if we are ever going to get off of our detours and arrive at God’s designed destiny for our lives—is this issue of forgiveness.

Joseph had to face it. He had to deal with it. In fact, we see this acknowledged in Genesis 50:15–17:

When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said to one another, “If Joseph is holding a grudge against us, he will certainly repay us for all the suffering we caused him.”

So they sent this message to Joseph, “Before he died your father gave a command: ‘Say this to Joseph: Please forgive your brothers’ transgression and their sin—the suffering they caused you.’ Therefore, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father.” Joseph wept when their message came to him.

Joseph’s response lets us know that he had not grown emotionally cold. He had not chosen a life of cynicism in dealing with the pain he faced. He still allowed himself to feel despite the losses that had occurred in his life. He hadn’t cut off the past; rather, he had learned how to view it. He had learned how to accept it in alignment with God’s providence, even though the pain was obviously still there.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you no longer feel pain.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you no longer feel pain. Nor does it mean to forget the facts about what happened. Forgiveness means you no longer hold the situation or person hostage for the pain they caused.

Many of us are being hindered from our destiny because we are being held hostage by a leash around our souls called unforgiveness. This leash keeps jerking us back and jerking us back. We take one step forward only to be jerked backed two. Maybe it was something that happened in your childhood, or maybe it was an abusive or emotionally absent mate. Maybe you were forsaken, neglected, or even wrongly demoted or let go. It could be a multitude of things. Whatever it is, though, it’s holding you hostage. But today, I want to see you set free.

First of all, too many of us wrongly define this concept of forgiveness. When it is wrongly defined, we never truly experience its benefits. Or we don’t really know if we have done it. Forgiveness, biblically speaking, is the decision to no longer credit an offense against an offender. It is a math term, technically speaking. That’s why when we hear it in the Lord’s Prayer, it is specifically connected to debts. We are asking God to forgive our debts, as we forgive our debtors. It refers to an error on a calculator where two numbers have been added together wrongly, and you have to push a reset button in order to begin again.

Forgiveness has far more to do with a decision than a feeling. It is not how you feel at any given moment; it has to do with whether you have made the choice to delete the offense. You may wonder how you are to know if you have made that choice since you can’t gauge your decision by your feelings. How do you know you have actually forgiven instead of simply just stated you have forgiven?

An excellent qualifying measure to help you know whether you have truly forgiven the offense and the offender is to ask yourself, “Am I still seeking revenge?” If you are seeking revenge, or payback, or if you delight in the offender’s pain, or bad circumstances, then you have not yet forgiven. You have not yet released this person from the pain they have caused you.

Keep in mind, this also applies to yourself. Far too many believers live under the weight of guilt and shame and fail to forgive themselves. This can lead to destructive behavior that can span the distance from overspending to overeating to overdrinking to other methods of self-harm.

True forgiveness is setting yourself free from the bitterness of wrath and anger. If you are seeking revenge or desiring it, then forgiveness has not occurred because love “does not keep a record of wrongs” (1 Cor. 13:5). It doesn’t mean you excuse it, or even pretend like it didn’t happen. It also doesn’t mean you ignore it. We can see from Joseph’s example that he felt great pain. He wept, even decades later. But what forgiveness does mean is that you have made a decision to no longer relate to the person or people, or even yourself, based on the infraction.

Two Types of Forgiveness

Forgiveness can operate on two levels. There is both unilateral forgiveness and transactional forgiveness. Unilateral forgiveness occurs when you forgive someone and yet the person has not asked for it, requested it, or even repented of what they did to you. Unilaterally means that on your own—without their involvement—you choose to grant them forgiveness.

Now, why would you grant someone forgiveness who doesn’t even want it and certainly doesn’t deserve it? The reason you grant unilateral forgiveness is so you can keep going. Unilateral forgiveness keeps you from being held hostage to something the other person may never get right. It could be that the offense is so small that it is not a big deal to the other person, or it’s so small you don’t want to bring it up. Or maybe the person who hurt you has passed away, and the opportunity for apologizing is no longer there.

This isn’t a deep, personal example of needing to forgive someone unilaterally, but it is an example I think can shed light on how and why we are to do this. Some years ago, a driver of another vehicle ran into my car and sped off. It was a classic hit-and-run. He left so quickly I was unable to get the license plate or even the make and model of the car. All I knew was that my car now had a huge dent in it and the person responsible was nowhere to be found. They didn’t tell me they were sorry. They didn’t offer me any insurance assistance. They just hurt my car and left.

Now it was up to me to get the dent fixed in my car, but I put it off a lot longer than I should have. I admit, I didn’t want to have to fix a dent that I did not create. My stubborn frustration kept me from getting my car fixed, but it was only me who was punished as a result. The person who caused the dent never knew. That person never had to see it. I was the one who had to climb into a dented car every day, being reminded of what had happened and getting re-frustrated all over again.

I was being held hostage by a person I didn’t even know. Many people are living with unforgiven dents on their souls.

Unilateral forgiveness means I forgive so that I can move on. I forgive so that I can let go. I forgive so that I can go get the dent fixed. When Stephen was being stoned to death as recorded in Acts 7, he asked God to forgive those who were killing him even in the midst of them killing him. They were still stoning him and he’s forgiving them. Guess what happened when he did that? He looked up and saw heaven open up and Jesus standing on the right hand beside the Father. Why is that important to know? Because it reveals to us that forgiveness gives you a new level of access to God. It gives you a more intimate relationship with the Savior. It gives you hope in the harm and peace in the problems.

Never let the fact that the person who has hurt you has neither asked for forgiveness, nor demonstrated that they deserve it. You are to forgive so that you are no longer held hostage to an offense, person, circumstance, or loss. By an act of your decision, you release them so that you can keep going to your destiny. Nothing will hold you hostage to your detours and thus keep you from your destiny like unforgiveness.

Forgiveness is a beautiful word when you need it. It is an ugly word when you have to give it. But it is a bridge we all must cross, and it is certainly a bridge we should never burn down. Forgive others because you also need forgiveness, from God and those you offend (Matt. 6:14–15).

You may be wondering, “What about the pain?” If you forgive someone and still feel the pain—that can’t be fair, right? It may not be fair but it will set you free.

In England sit magnificent churches with magnificent bells that ring loud and clear across the countryside. My wife’s sister lives in England so when we visit her, I always marvel at these enormous churches and church bells. An interesting thing about the bells in the bell towers of these churches is that the bell is hung on a rope. In order for the bell to ring, it would be necessary in years gone by for someone to climb to the top of the bell tower, grab the rope, and begin to swing it. As that rope was swung, the bell would make a loud ringing sound. But do you know what would happen when the person finally let go of the rope? The bell kept ringing.

This is because the momentum of the past swings kept the bell moving. Now, the bell wouldn’t hit so hard each time so the sound would ring less loudly. But it would continue to ring because sometimes it takes time for the past movements and motions to finally slow down and be still.

I want to tell you one very important thing about forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t stop the bell from ringing. It doesn’t stop the pain from showing up. But what it does do is allow you to let go of the rope. It allows you to distance yourself from the offense enough for the natural momentum of life and emotions to finally slow down and eventually be at peace. The pain will subside in time, as long as you don’t pick the rope back up and ring it again.

I want you to release yourself to your destiny. I want you to let go of the offenses and wrongs done against you. Leave vengeance in the hands of God. He’s far better at it than we are anyhow. Give yourself the freedom you so desperately need and so divinely deserve that will enable you to fully live out the destiny you have been created to fulfill. Forgive. Let go. Embrace that God’s perfect plan involves the pain of the past, and He will bring it to His good purpose.

Then walk in the fullness of His calling for you.