CHAPTER 2

Mindfulness: Ease Out of Busyness and Into Awareness

Peace does not mean to be in a place

where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.

Peace means to be in the midst of all those things

and still be calm in your heart.

On a chilly January morning just inside the entrance to a Washington, D.C., subway station, a young man took his violin out of its case and brought it up to his shoulder. He was dressed in regular clothes—just jeans and a T-shirt. And although he had a face many people might find attractive, on this particular morning it was mostly obscured by a dark baseball cap and shaggy brown hair. After plucking the strings for a couple of minutes to tune his instrument, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a few dollar bills, which he tossed into the violin case in front of him, hoping a few passersby would do the same. It was a busy morning in the subway station as the young man began to play. Thousands of people were busy hurrying to work, school, or wherever they were headed. Trains were coming and going—the morning rush was in full swing. Yet through all the busyness, the incredible sound of this young man’s violin filled the subway station.

It was impossible to ignore. Or was it?

Over the course of forty-three minutes, more than a thousand people walked through the doors of the subway entrance where Joshua Bell was playing. And if he had been any other street performer, perhaps it would have been insignificant that he earned the attention of only a few people and just a handful of change. But Joshua Bell isn’t just any street performer. He is possibly the world’s most renowned violinist, and was playing one of the most difficult classical masterpieces ever composed. And that masterpiece was being played on a $3 million (yes, million) violin that emitted one of the purest, most eloquent sounds in the world.

Yet almost nobody noticed. Why? Because everyone was too busy hurrying to pause and notice the music.

Busyness Is a Crutch

Too much to do, not enough time to do it. Sound familiar? How often is “I’m busy” your excuse? It used to be Marc’s excuse every day. Like those one thousand people who ran past Joshua Bell’s music without a moment to spare, Marc had a schedule that left zero time for unplanned presence and awareness.

And he was proud of his busyness. He treated it like an accomplishment worth bragging about! He wanted to remind everyone how tough he had it. He wanted you to know how arduous it was to live in a beautiful suburban neighborhood and commute around town, not to mention how he had to juggle business and family. He’d tell you how he had to help our course students, coaching clients, and readers, then immediately rush out to the grocery store. And he would only have a short time to get our son fed, settled, and bathed before bed each night. Marc could have gone on and on . . .

“Don’t you see how busy I am? Don’t you see it, everybody? Keep it in mind! Please!”

Yes, that’s exactly what Marc used to want you to know about him. But not anymore. Now he pauses to hear the music.

He gradually learned the truth: busyness is not an accomplishment. Nothing worthwhile gets accomplished with a mindset that loves busyness for its own sake. This kind of busyness is a mindset that makes everything harder than it has to be. If we’re not below the poverty line, juggling three jobs at once just to put food on the table, then our busyness is self-inflicted 98 percent of the time (the exception being that 2 percent of the time that a random series of incredibly difficult life events blindsides us).

Marc finally got a handle on his busyness after we studied it long enough to realize that yes, it was within our control. We came to realize that most of the time we actually created mad rushes and headaches where none were needed, and Marc was leading the pack. On a normal weekday, you would have found him running around nagging family, business associates, and basically everyone nearby to rush around with him.

“If you don’t get your shoes tied faster, we’re going to miss the movie!” “If we don’t get this task done in the next hour, we’re never going to hit our target!”

The real kicker is, whether he provoked everyone to rush faster or not, we always collectively moved at about the same pace anyway. But when Marc pushed us all, everyone (including Marc) was unhappier. It became crystal clear that nearly all of his busyness was self-inflicted drama. He was creating it in his head as a reaction to unresolved thoughts, anxieties, and fears, and yet he subconsciously thought it would somehow make his life easier. Of course, it did the exact opposite: Marc’s busyness only led to extra stress and complexity in our lives. And even on days when there really were lots of things to do—perhaps far too many things—it was almost always a matter of poor planning on his behalf.

Why was Marc making life harder, busier, and unhappier than it had to be? Sadly, a big reason so many of us fill our lives with needless busyness has to do with the always-plugged-in, always-connected, always-sharing, always-comparing society we live in. We default to defining ourselves based on where we are and what we have in relation to everyone else. If we don’t have a “better” career, house, car, or pair of shoes, we feel inferior. And the only way we can possibly do better is to be busier doing . . . whatever!

After all, we are what we do, right? Job title, employer—aren’t these typically the first things we share with strangers we meet at parties? We fill our social media feeds and our calendars with needless busyness to feel more accomplished—to avoid being just ourselves in the present moment. The cost? Our peace of mind, our sanity, and our happiness. We inevitably lose sight of what matters most, because our busyness has buried it with stress and the endless need to be somewhere else, doing something else, as fast as feasibly possible.

Twenty-five years ago, at the dawn of the modern internet revolution, people were predicting that our technological advancements would eventually allow us to work less, so we could pay more attention to what’s truly important in our lives. Today, however, there’s plenty of evidence to the contrary. We may be able to achieve twice as much in half the time, but that’s what’s expected of us now—it’s the new baseline. On top of that, technology fills our free time with endless distractions—we’re checking text messages, email, social media, etc., 24/7.

And so, despite its benefits, our technology has us feeling as desperately overwhelmed as ever.

The solution? Mindfulness. As a daily ritual, it’s a way of living, of being, of seeing, of tapping into the full power of your humanity. At its core, mindfulness is:

Before we started practicing mindfulness, we were being reactive rather than proactive. Each day we felt like we were running nonstop. We were struggling through adversity and coping with financial difficulties and the loss of loved ones. Income was tight, and with this came the urge to cram more things into the day, to save ourselves faster and be the heroes who wore busyness like a medal of accomplishment. There was always something else on the to-do list, always another thing that we thought deserved our attention more than the last. But rather than feel like we were getting everything together, we felt scattered and unfocused.

Once we made mindfulness a part of our lifestyle and took to implementing it as a ritual, however, an amazing calmness took over inside each of us. Positive energy started to flow, as a result of simply accepting that we were in the right place at the right time, regardless of where we were.

Busyness is not a virtue.

Implementing mindfulness trickles out into your everyday life. You begin to see that busyness is not a virtue. Most of our clients see busyness the way we once did: as productivity. But when you become mindful and ask yourself, How can I take my most present, effective step forward? you begin to realize what’s truly important.

Living every day in a way that makes mindfulness possible can be life changing. In the next section, we’re going to help you get to that understanding by discussing ways to mindfully prioritize your time, let go of the desire to get everything done in one day, and reframe the way you view your busyness.

The Art of Mindfully Prioritizing

The moment we admit to ourselves that we’re trying to cram too many things (tasks, obligations, distractions) into a relatively small space (twenty-four hours in a day), it becomes obvious that we need to clear some clutter from our schedules. Mindful prioritization is the key.

Pay close attention to all the things you do today—all the things you’re trying to fit into twenty-four hours. How much TV are you watching in the morning and evening? What websites are you browsing? What games are you playing? How much time are you spending texting, emailing, or updating your social media accounts? How much online window shopping are you doing? How much time do you devote to eating, cleaning, and taking care of others? What else are you spending the precious minutes of your day on?

We aren’t strangers to committing to doing too much in a single day. When we became parents, a huge learning curve came with having another person dictate our time. Angel shares how a little mindful prioritization helped declutter her schedule and her mind as a new mom:

When Mac was born, the most challenging part came from having to compromise my time, especially since I was trying to do it all at once. When I was working, I was wishing I was with Mac. I was wondering what he was doing and worrying that I wasn’t spending enough time with him. And then when I was with Mac, I was thinking of my to-do list and the work I wasn’t getting done. It was a surprisingly challenging time for me; I was feeling torn in multiple directions, and I was never happy with where I was in the moment.

Marc and I then started focusing on our presence and being happy with exactly where we were, and that made a huge difference. We prioritized our tasks. We made plans to have Marc’s aunt come and watch Mac from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. three days a week. This way, we could focus on work. We weren’t worrying about Mac, because we knew he was in good hands, and we could spend our energy accomplishing the work tasks that needed to get done. This meant that when we were with Mac, we were enjoying it 100 percent. We weren’t worrying about work, and this all stemmed from prioritizing our tasks to better our ability to be in the moment.

What you might notice first when you start to dig into your busyness is that you’re doing too many random things that don’t need to be done—too many time wasters. Then you might also notice you’re overcommitted, that too many obligations are filling up your life with needless stress and activity. You can start stealing back your time by eliminating as many nonessential distractions and obligations as possible, and saying no to new ones that arise. This is easier said than done, of course, but the important thing to realize is that you can change how you allocate your time.

You can do only one thing at a time.

First, look at your to-do list: how many of these things can you reasonably do in the next twenty-four hours? Probably only three to five, with sanity. Now consider this: which task would you work on if you could only work on one task over the next twenty-four hours? That is your number-one priority. Just that one task. The truth is, you probably can’t complete everything on your list in one day’s time, and you can’t do your top three to five tasks right now. You can do only one thing at a time. So focus on your number-one task and, once you’re done, then figure out what your next number-one task is. Clear everything else away and focus.

Now that you have the general idea about how mindful prioritization works, here are a few guiding principles to keep in mind when it comes to mindfully prioritizing all the tasks in your life:

If you want to achieve a significant goal or outcome in your life, you have to give up the things that conflict with it. This doesn’t mean you have to make your life unnecessarily grueling. It just means you can’t have it all—you have to sacrifice something that you value less than whatever it is you ultimately want to achieve. So instead of thinking about what you want, first consider what you are willing to give up to get it. You can’t have the destination without the journey. For example, if you want the six-pack abs, you have to also want the hard workouts and the healthy meals. So ask yourself: what is worth sacrificing for? This question shines a light on your true priorities. Because if you catch yourself wanting something day in and day out, month after month, yet you never take action and thus you never make any progress, then maybe you don’t really want it after all, because you’re not willing to suffer through the sacrifices and work it’s going to take to achieve it. Maybe it’s not actually a priority. Or if it is, maybe it’s time to make some serious changes.

Overcommitting is the antithesis of living a peaceful, mindful life. There’s a difference between being committed to the right things and being overcommitted to everything. It’s tempting to fill every waking minute of the day with to-do list tasks or distractions. Don’t do this to yourself. Leave space. Keep your life ordered and your schedule underbooked. Create a foundation with a soft place to land, a wide margin of error, and room to think and breathe.

When you try to control too much, you enjoy too little. Don’t live a life packed full of ironclad plans. Work hard, but be flexible. The best moments are often unplanned, and the greatest regrets happen by not reaching exactly what was planned. Sometimes you just need to let go a little, relax, take a deep breath, and love what is right now.

When you are tired, you are attacked by negative circumstances you likely conquered long ago. An exhausted mind is an inefficient one. You must recharge on a daily basis. That means catching your breath, finding quiet solitude, focusing your attention inward, and otherwise making time to recuperate from the chaos of your routine. It’s perfectly healthy to pause and let the world spin without you for a while. If you don’t, you will likely burn yourself out by mulling over problems and circumstances that no longer need your attention.

The Art of Mindfully Deprioritizing

So what about all the other things you want to do (or feel you “should” do), that you simply can’t get done? What do you do with the tasks that don’t fit into twenty-four hours, or fit in at all? This is where the art of deprioritizing comes into play.

You can do those things tomorrow. Or you can decide to not do them at all. Either way, the reality is they won’t fit into the next twenty-four hours of your life. And since these things were not top priorities, there’s really no problem.

A problem only arises when you feel anxious, overwhelmed, and frustrated because you can’t fit everything in. But you have to realize that the way you feel is based on your ideals—the thought that you should be able to do it all, be everything to everyone, and be superhuman—not your reality. So you have to adjust your ideals to match reality. And the reality is that you can’t do everything. You can only choose to do some things—the important things—and everything else will have to wait, or get removed from your list.

We’ve taken to focusing on three core things every day: our clients and students, our writing, and our family. These are the things that are most important to us, so they’re what we spend our energy and mindful presence focusing on. Once we started to do this, we were able to see the distractions for what they were. We could rule out the things we had only thought were obligations, because they didn’t make it into our top priorities. And the sacrifices we had to make gradually came easier.

It’s key to note that we’re not scrambling to fit in twenty-five core things. If you have twenty-five things on your priority list, and they’re all equally important to you, you’re setting yourself up for mindlessness. It’s impossible to get that many things done in one day, which leads to guilt and regret over the things you didn’t achieve. That is the opposite of presence. Focus on what’s truly important, and do what you can do today. Pick two, three, or five core things to focus on. That’s enough. Deprioritize the rest and let go of thinking that it isn’t.

Here are two reminders to help you through the process of mindfully deprioritizing the things that are keeping you from being present with what matters most.

Decide what you would put back on your plate if you could wipe it clean. Our lives get incredibly complicated, not overnight, but gradually. The complications creep up on us, one small step at a time.

How do we protect against this vicious cycle?

We have to take a step back on a regular basis and reevaluate: What would you do if your schedule were empty? If your plate were completely clean, with limited space, what would you put on it today?

For Marc, he might add some quiet, focused writing time; playtime with our son; exercise time and tea time with Angel; a long lunchtime walk and a good afternoon talk with an old friend he hasn’t spoken to in a while; a few short activities that matter to him and make a difference to others; reading and learning time; and time alone to think, meditate, and unwind before bed.

What would you choose to put on your plate?

Once you’ve figured that out, you just need to constantly look at invitations and activities and requests and tasks that pop up, and ask: is this one of the things I would choose to put on my clean plate?

And to help reinforce your decisions . . .

Learn to say no. Saying yes to everything puts you on the fast track to being miserable. Feeling like you’re doing busywork is often the result of saying yes too often. We all have obligations, but a comfortable pace can only be found by properly managing your yeses. So stop saying yes when you want to say no. You can’t always be agreeable. Sometimes you have to set clear boundaries.

You might have to say no to certain favors, or work projects, or community activities, or committees, or volunteer groups, or coaching your kid’s sports team, or some other worthwhile activities.

You might be thinking that it seems unfair to say no when these are very worthwhile things to do. It kills you to say no. But you must. Because the alternative is that you’re going to do a poor, halfhearted job at each one, be stressed beyond belief, and feel like you’re stuck in an endless cycle of failure and frustration. You won’t be getting enough sleep, your focus will get progressively worse due to exhaustion, and eventually you’ll reach a breaking point.

So remember, the only thing that keeps so many of us stuck in this debilitating cycle is the fantasy in our minds that we can be everything to everyone, everywhere at once, and a hero on all fronts. But again, that’s not reality. The reality is we’re not Superman or Wonder Woman—we’re human, and we have limits. We need to let go of the idea of doing everything and pleasing everyone and being everywhere at once. You’re either going to do a few things well, or do everything poorly. That’s the truth.

The Art of Mindfully Reframing

Once you have your priorities better managed, and you’ve deprioritized some things, it’s time to reframe how you’re generally thinking about the busyness that overwhelms you.

As human beings, how busy we think we are amplifies how overwhelmed we feel. That is, the stories we tell ourselves about life can either dramatically escalate or ease our stress levels. This is where reframing makes all the difference.

In a recent coaching session, Rebecca, a wife and mother of three who owns a successful photography business, told us about how she has reframed the way she thinks about her life:

I used to describe my life as overwhelming and busy, but not anymore. Now I see it as exceptionally rich and interesting. I feel empowered by the challenges I face personally and professionally. I’m not in denial, and I’m definitely exhausted at the end of most days. But it’s now a satisfying kind of exhaustion. I did what I could do, and I did my best. And that makes me feel good. Of course, there are tough compromises that must be made some days, but that’s okay—the compromises I must make just shine a light back on my priorities. I can’t do it all. But I can do my best. I can do things for the right reasons. And I can make people feel respected and loved along the way.

By applying a new frame to the parts of her life she had previously described as overwhelming, Rebecca was able to see things in a fresh light: that she was doing her best, that she was doing things for the right reasons, and that her actions were helping others feel valued.

The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it perfectly more than two thousand years ago: “People are disturbed, not by things (that happen to them), but by the principles and opinions which they form concerning (those) things. When we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles and opinions.”

Modern behavioral science agrees too. American psychologist Albert Ellis, famous for developing rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), has demonstrated that how people react to events is determined predominantly by their view of the events, not by the events themselves.

Sometimes changing your circumstances isn’t possible, at least in the moment. You can’t get a new job in an instant. You can’t make someone else change against his or her will. And you certainly can’t erase the past. But you absolutely can change your perception, belief, or opinion about your circumstances. Doing so will help you change your attitude and ultimately allow you to grow beyond the struggles you can’t control.

The bottom line is that you always have options. Here are some reminders to help you mindfully reframe things and start to see your life as rich and interesting instead of overburdened.

Your only reality is this moment, right here, right now. The secret to health for the mind, body, and soul is not to mourn the past, or to worry about the future, but to live the present moment mindfully and purposefully. True wealth is the ability to experience the present moment fully. No other time and place is real. Lifelong peace and abundance can be found in such simple awareness.

A negative thought is harmless unless you believe it. It’s not your thoughts, but your attachment to your thoughts that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing it’s true without proof. A belief is a thought that you’ve been attaching to, often for years.

You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by it. Speak and act when you are angry, and you will inevitably say something you will regret. Being angry and dramatic about something is easy. Doing something productive about it is the hard and worthwhile part. Life is too precious and too short to spend it being upset and dramatic. Drop it. Be positive. Be your best.

Inner peace is knowing how to belong to oneself, without external validation. In order to understand the world, you have to turn away from it on occasion. Sometimes the need to justify yourself to others causes you to cease to be at peace with your thoughts. Don’t look for anyone else to give you permission to be yourself, or validation to be happy in the present moment.

Everything is created twice, first in your mind and then in your life. The real battle takes place in your mind first. If you’re defeated in your thoughts, you’ve already lost. Remember this. Even if you have a good reason to be angry or resentful, don’t. Channel your energy into thoughts and actions that actually benefit your life.

As we come to the end of this chapter, it’s important to remind ourselves that the greatest enemy of good thinking and mindfulness is busyness. We all have seasons of wild schedules, but very few of us have a legitimate need to be busy all the time. Too often, we simply don’t know how to prioritize well and say no when we should.

We can only fight the battles of today.

On the other hand, cultivating presence in any given moment allows us to focus on the things we can actually control, which is the key to getting back to happy. We’ve repeated this time and again: no matter what is happening in our lives, we can only fight the battles of today. Much of our stress, resentment, and worry stems from channeling our focus into the possibilities of other times and places outside of the here and now. Although being busy can make us feel more alive for a moment, whether tomorrow or on our deathbed, we will inevitably come to wish that we had spent less time in the buzz of busyness and more time actually living a purposeful, mindful life.

Closing Exercise

In chapter 1, we talked about the importance of rituals, and having a daily ritual that helps you practice presence and mindfulness can pay huge dividends. Here are a few short mindfulness practices that will help you center yourself and be present, wherever you are and whatever your state of mind.

You can do each of these short mindfulness practices in little bits whenever you need them throughout your day. Remember, you don’t have to meditate for thirty minutes to get the benefits of mindfulness. Just a couple of focused minutes of mindful attention can pay off hugely. The key is to make it a ritual, and do it every day.

Finally, if you need a little extra inspiration, here are seven reminders that help us stay present and keep things in perspective. When life gets hectic, and we feel overwhelmed, we reflect on these reminders for as long as it takes us to shift our mindset. We encourage you to do the same.

  1. The best time to take a deep breath is when you don’t feel like it—because that’s when doing so can make the biggest difference.

  2. Stress and feeling overwhelmed both come from the way you respond, not the way life is. Adjust your attitude, and these feelings will be gone. You control the way you look at life.

  3. What you pay attention to grows. Focus exclusively on what matters, and let go of what does not.

  4. It’s okay. Show yourself some love. We can’t do everything for everybody in every situation. Do what you can, and do it with a joyful heart.

  5. Worry, frustration, anger, and procrastination will make you weary. Real, honest effort, on the contrary, will energize you. Act accordingly.

  6. Keep going. One step at a time. True purpose has no time limit. True purpose has no deadline. Focus on the step you’re taking.

  7. No matter what, you can always fight the battles of just today. It’s only when you add the infinite battles of yesterday and tomorrow that life gets overly complicated.

Once you replace busyness with mindfulness, you’ll find the path opens wider for you to accomplish the priorities that are most important to you.