Lifting me gently, Lee turned and sat on the bed with me astride him, his hands on my ass and his cock completely sheathed by me. Raising and lowering me tentatively, I began to relax until he felt me do the same then he quickened his pace. Within less than a minute I was lost in the sensation of pleasure I’d forgotten I could feel.
Clinging to him as he changed positions, we learned how explosive the chemistry between us was once Lee was inside me. I’d never experienced anything like the power and stamina he had during sex.
Throughout our session he stared heatedly in silence, or he spoke—but it wasn’t dirty talk. Lance had never told me I was beautiful when we made love—ever. But Lee was entirely different to anything I’d ever had with Lance. Skimming his hands over me, he told me what he loved about my body, how what I did made him feel, and how his own body was responding to what he was doing to me.
Intuitively, he knew when to stop, even when I knew he could have continued. When he rolled off me, dripping with sweat and laid on his back, I wondered if there would be an awkward after sex mumble before he got dressed, but that never happened. Instead, he pulled me over and laid my head on his chest. His hand stroked down my side and he positioned himself closer. Kissing my head, he lay in silence while I listened to his heart rate return to normal.
Slowly, the silence became comforting and I nodded off to sleep only to awaken as Lee was slipping out from under me. I cringed inside at what we’d done, the self-consciousness of that awkward moment had arrived. Lee was leaving. Pretending I was still asleep, I rolled over and faced the opposite direction as he rose from the bed.
Tears sprung to my eyes as I heard him pull on his jeans and buckle his belt, then I heard the soft shuffle of him pulling his T-shirt back on. The mattress dipped at the bottom of the bed and I imagined him slipping into his shoes. When his weight lifted from the bed I expected him to slip away and swallowed quietly as I waited for him to close the door, but that isn’t what happened.
Crouching in front of mine, Lee’s face came into view and he saw I was awake. Our eyes had met and it was too late for me to pretend otherwise.
“Sorry, baby. I didn’t know you were awake. I was just coming to say thank you for tonight. I’d stay, but Flynn needs to leave at 05:00 am this morning for an interview at a local radio station. Can you meet me tonight when Teague is asleep? I’ll wait on your porch.”
Relief flooded my body right before my heart kicked back, excited he wasn’t done with me. My unshed tears instantly evaporated and my fears ebbed away, and although I had dared not hope for more, it had seemed Lee respected me enough to come back to talk to me.
“Sure. I’ll see you later sometime after 9:00 pm,” I said, as I tried to sound nonchalant.
“Thank you, I’ll look forward to it,” he whispered then leaned in and kissed me softly once more. Standing, he made his way to the door and right before he left he turned, facing back toward the bed and said, “Don’t over analyze what we did, Niamh. We had an awesome time. I’ll see you later.” I wasn’t going to but his remark made me do exactly that.
Since that night our meetings had become a regular thing. Stealing moments when we could until our relationship went from casual to more when he began to call me every day while Teague was in kindergarten, then school, when Flynn spent time in Iowa.
Our early conversations centered on how my day was going but quickly progressed to deeper admissions of feelings and in a matter of weeks I began to clock watch in anticipation of his calls. It was clear he was serious about me because no matter where he was he never missed a day and I especially liked when they shifted to late night check-in calls when he was on the road with Flynn.
The first time he told me he loved me was during one of those calls. We’d been discussing how special Flynn and Valerie’s relationship was when he blurted out his feelings for me. My heart raced with fear and delight because I already knew I felt the same, but it made me worried about how others would feel.
Lee insisted that didn’t matter and said he wanted a proper relationship where we could tell the world how we felt. That was easy for him to say. He wasn’t the one with a small child to take care of. It was at that point where he began to voice his discontentment of our clandestine relationship.
At the back of my mind I knew I was being irrational, but that one percent chance that I’d lose my job kept me in denial that I could have it all. I wasn’t ashamed of us, but my anxieties were two-fold. If Flynn didn’t like it I’d be out on the street and I couldn’t afford to share Lee’s confidence on that. There was also Teague to consider. I was afraid to build his hopes up that Lee may become a fatherly figure, only to quash his feelings months later if he walked away like his own father had.
By the time he came back from the road, Lee’s patience with me had worn thin. More than once I had thought Flynn suspected something. A couple of times I held my breath when I was sure Lee had been acting a little too familiar with me, but it was all in my head because Flynn never said a word.
“How long do you expect me to wait, Niamh? You either trust me now or you don’t. Wouldn’t you like to go out on a proper date with me after all this time? I know you’re a fabulous cook and everything, but I’m not used to staying home indefinitely. All this time together and I’ve never so much as wined and dined you.
“Girls normally enjoy being with me, not hiding me away like some dirty secret. It’s about time you tested the water with Flynn. Frankly, I know there is no issue and you’re worrying yourself crazy for no reason.”
Placing his hands on the countertop, Lee pushed himself up from the stool and came around my side of the counter. Without touching me he went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. Twisting the cap off he almost inhaled half of the contents before he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
“I’m all but done with this shit. I’m drawing a line under us. You have the weekend to figure out if I mean enough for you to take a chance on me or not. I love you, but I’m done with skulking around in the shadows. Teague is getting older by the day, Niamh. I want to be part of his life…I mean a real part. He’s known me for almost two years in one way or another. Maybe you should consider that it should be me turning up at his father and son days instead of Flynn. The kid is only going to get less accepting of me as a father figure the older he gets.”
Every time we’d argued about my situation I had managed to appease him, but that night I knew his mood had tipped from frustrated to angry and when I glanced up at him he wouldn’t look at me. Slowly, he put the bottle to his lips again and took down the rest of his water, squashed the plastic in his fist and threw it in the recycling tub.
The voices of my son and Flynn came closer and for a couple of seconds Lee looked out at the yard. Instead of hanging around he slid back the glass door and stepped outside. I watched him close the door in one long glide with his head down, and wander out of sight. My heart tightened in my chest because I knew he was hurting. It was crunch time for us in our relationship.
Sadness ran through me. Teague loved Lee as much as he loved Flynn. Often, I’d watch them playing ball in the yard at the back of the kitchen when I made dinner. I knew Teague adored him just much as he did Flynn but it was as if Teague understood Lee’s role in Flynn’s household because he never made demands on Lee in the same way he did with Flynn.
More days I considered how confusing Teague’s world must be not living with his father, and our household changing back and forth whenever Flynn arrived or left, but my son appeared happy.
Deep down I knew it was wrong of me to accept when Flynn had stepped into the role of a father figure but I had allowed that to happen. I had never had to ask. Whenever Teague needed a ‘Dad’ around for school or football events, Flynn was always keen to support him.
Over time I became aware that this hurt Lee and when I saw him and Teague together I could imagine how close they’d become if I let them. And I had good reason to be guarded about that. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Lee, it was far less personal than that. I had experienced no inkling Lance was unhappy with our life and no warning when he ran out on us. What was to stop history repeating itself?
The aftermath of how that made me feel remained with me, and it left me unable to trust anyone enough with our future. Knowing that however, didn’t stop me from considering my attitude could also rob my child of proper father figure.