Now we are going to switch gears.
For most of us, our single largest earning assets are ourselves. Most of us will never have enough money in interest, or in the stock market, or in real estate to pay our bills until we retire—if then. BUT!!! You are yourself a huge earning asset—your brains, your charm, your elegance, your strong back. These can and will protect you and pay your bills.
So, again, you are the key part of your portfolio. Here is a brief summary of how to ruin that asset. I am making it really brief.
Choose a career where your starting pay and your ending pay are likely to be the same. Choose a career where your work makes no difference to people’s lives or where that difference cannot be measured. That guarantees a low wage.
That could sometimes mean manual labor and sometimes not. It might mean anything at all in the world of art or music. It often means a career where the top dogs make billions—like Mick Jagger or Axl Rose—and the ordinary guy or gal has to supplement his or her income waiting tables. Don’t choose a career like law where, once you get on the track, your income rises steadily.
Make sure you have that PhD in origami design even if it adds not one penny to your bottom line. See the note about the lilies of the field in Chapter 20.
People like to be treated like dirt. They respect you more for it. So show utter contempt for the people who supervise you and who work with you. That will show them who the real boss is—YOU, YOU, YOU!
Don’t be a grind or a bookworm. If you can’t pick it up just by your first impressions of it, don’t bother with it. Nothing is worth spending a lot of time reading or learning.
Don’t be a showoff. Don’t be an ass-kisser. Don’t be a Goody Two-Shoes.
You are not a cog in a machine. You are not in the military. You are a free man or woman.
The absolute truth means something to mathematicians, one supposes, but not to poets and artists and visionaries like you. Did Keats care about the truth? Did van Gogh? Did Bernie Madoff? What they created was their truth, and as the saying goes, “We all have truths. Mine do not have to be the same as yours.”
You are Marlon Brando. You are Arnold Schwarzenegger. You are above the law. It is that simple. The others are worker bees. You are the Queen Bee.
Act as if your colleagues and bosses were all organized-crime figures or con men and cheats. You are morally better than they are and don’t hesitate to let them know it. Their business or government duties are basically theft and fraud. You are a knight in shining armor. It isn’t complicated.
That is for servants and lackeys, which you definitely are not. ’Nuff said.
Your workday is stressful. Who is to judge you if you decide you need to unwind a bit at lunch with your friends and colleagues? You can hold it and you’ll be better for it—and if you’re not better for it—too darned bad.
Make sure you set staff members against each other. Make sure you have people at work fighting with each other instead of getting anything useful done. Don’t worry: The word will soon get back to the powers that be about who is responsible.
People in charge like to have their subordinates question their decisions, so do it early and often.
You know your rights. You are not going to get pushed around. Just let the whole workplace know that one wrong look, and bang, it’s sexual harassment. One wrong word, and it’s disability discrimination. No matter what, you will find a way to sue and make your employers’ lives miserable. They will respect you for asserting yourself. Besides, people like to be sued.
Don’t forgive. Don’t forget. Think the worst of everyone. Start each day believing that the other guy is going to screw you over. Next thing you know, you’ll have it come true.
You’re a play-uhh, uh-huh. Let the whole world know it and right away—you’ll be happier and they’ll be happier. Women and men want to be noticed and flirted with, so be a Casanova or a cougar in the cubicle. Your colleagues will respect you more for it. And don’t hesitate to tell dirty jokes to get someone “in the mood” when you’re ready to play.
Again, you aren’t a robot. You have to maintain your social connections. Play the high-tech social-life game as hard as you can. Everyone else is doing it. Why not you?
When you get bored with that, look for porn on the Internet, the more explicit the better. Definitely with the sound turned up. Who cares if people see you? This isn’t George Orwell’s 1984. There is no Ministry of Truth, no Thought Police. You are allowed to do what you want, and you are not in prison when you are on the clock. If you need to see some manly or womanly action to take a break from your insanely hard work, hey, pal, you’re allowed.
You have a life. You are entitled to live your life. If you don’t get in your full quota of hours today, you will some other day.
Then share what you learn with the other people in the office or the workshop.
Bosses like to be told when they could do things better, and you telling them how they could do it better will help them be better people. They’ll eventually thank you for it.
Let everyone know that you have parents who can pull strings and get your boss in trouble, or get you promoted no matter how you act. Everyone at work needs to know of your superior work and social status so you get the proper respect.
No one will notice. Your cheapskate bosses don’t pay you enough anyway. That little extra bit in your expense account is rightfully yours in any event. If anyone questions you about it, just tell him you’ll cut him in if he keeps quiet.
They know that times are tight and you might need a bit to slide by. And who needs it more? You or they? And when you borrow it, don’t pay it back. After all, how are you any better off if you pay it back? Answer: You’re not. If you don’t pay it back, you are money-good. So. . . you get the picture, right?
Let them know there’s an alpha male or a cougar on the prowl. They’ll pay attention.
That will let everyone who needs to know who’s in with the Man Upstairs and who isn’t. . . and, again, will get you the status you deserve. Plus it will properly shame all the blasphemers and heretics who don’t understand your divine connections.
You should never feel any need for self-restraint. It is entirely up to you, what you say and believe. Never forget it.
And now, I have to take a nap.