With the late morning sun shining down on me, I wave goodbye to Mom as she stands at the door, with the promise that I’ll be back right after spring finals. It’s hard to leave, considering I haven’t been home for long, but it’s necessary. I slide into the passenger seat and glance at Kaitlyn. Her eyes are a bit heavy, dark smudges beneath them, and she’s still rather pale.
“You don’t have to come back with me.”
She holds a finger up. “One, you’re my best friend and I’m not letting you take a bus, so yeah, I do.” A second finger joins the first. “Two, if he’s there, I don’t want you fucking facing him alone.” A third finger joins the mix. “And three, I am done with all the food and family, and a million questions about my life. I just want to crawl into my own bed and sleep for two days.”
I buckle up as she tightens her ponytail. “Are you sure you shouldn’t go to the doctor?”
“I will, when we get back to campus. If I go here, Mom will freak out and make me take six million vitamins.”
I laugh at that, even though inside I’m dead. My mind drifts to Christian, to the way he took care of me when I was down and out. He didn’t fill me with vitamins, but he did make sure I had plenty to eat, took me to my appointments and paid my bills and expenses, which I plan to pay back, every last cent. With everything he’s done for me, I honestly wouldn’t have believed a word Chelsea said if I hadn’t seen the two of them in his bed with my own eyes.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
I’ve cried enough, and I refuse to shed one more tear for a guy who could do that to me. I’m not sure why he bothered to come to my house Christmas eve. Maybe it was for one last ‘other side of the tracks hook-up’ before he announced he was with Chelsea. Anyway, none of that matters anymore, and there was no salvaging Christmas at that point.
I tried. I really did. But it was a struggle to put on a happy face Christmas morning in front of my Mom, and when I broke the news I was leaving today, she accepted it without question. She’s smart enough to realize something is going on with me, and I appreciate her not pressing for information. But I wanted to get back early, before Christian, so I can clear the last of my things from his place and leave the key behind. I sit back and listen to the radio, and Kaitlyn casts me a glance.
“I’m here if you want to talk.” Her voice is low, soft, concerned.
“I know. I think I would just rather forget.” I pucker my lips. “I want to concentrate on school, and Harvard, and I’ll need to find a part-time job when we get back.”
“Okay, think about those things then.” She turns the radio up, and we hit the highway. I let my eyes fall shut, but every time I do, all I can see are images of Christian.
Christian coming to the rescue after he injured me.
Christian carrying me up and down the stairs.
Christian touching me in the most amazing ways.
Christian sleeping with Chelsea.
A groan crawls out of my throat, and when I sense Kaitlyn checking in on me, I open my eyes, and turn my head to stare out the passenger side window. I focus on the trees and signs, anything to keep my thoughts from returning to him.
Kaitlyn makes a retching sound and I turn to her as she puts her mouth to the crook of her elbow. I sit up a little straighter, take in her paleness.
“Maybe I should drive,” I say. I’m sad, but I’m not physically ill like her.
She takes a couple of breaths and shakes her head. “It’ll pass. It always does. My God, I don’t know what kind of bug I picked up. If I ate something bad, you’d think it would have been out of my system by now.”
“Sometimes people get sick on vacation. The body needs to shut down and reboot. You’ve been working really hard, and competing non-stop. Maybe that’s what’s going on.”
“Maybe, and it is true. I have been pushing myself.”
“Either that or you’re pregnant,” I joke, but as soon as the words leave my mouth, her eyes pop open, and my pulse jumps.
“Ohmigod.” She swallows hard. “You don’t think I’m pregnant, do you?”
“I…I don’t know. I was only joking. Is there a chance?”
Her eyes narrow, like she’s doing mental math on the last date of her period and the longer she stares at the road without speaking, the more worried I become.
Her eyes are full of worry as she glances at me. “I might be a little late, but I always use a condom. I could be late because I’m sick, right?”
“Condoms aren’t one hundred percent,” I tell her. That’s the reason I went on the pill. I was using two forms of contraception in the beginning with Christian, but once I got to know him better, came to trust him, we only used the pill. My heart stalls. God, I hope he didn’t give me any STD’s. I don’t think he was with anyone when we were together, but now I’m questioning everything. Where did he sneak off to every Sunday?
“I’m on the pill, too, Maize.” She frowns. “But last month…I was studying and running, and missed taking a couple on time.” She grips the steering wheel tighter. “We’d better pick up a pregnancy test,” she says.
I put my hand on her arm. “It’ll be okay. No matter what, it’ll be okay.”
She nods, but she doesn’t look like she agrees with me. She drives a little faster, passing vehicles in her hurry to get back to Kingston.
When we finally reach town limits, she pulls into the nearest pharmacy and I wait in the car until she comes back out with a little white bag. I notice her hands are a bit shaky as she sets it beside her on the seat. We drive by Wolf House, which we have to pass on the way to our place. We both stare out the window and check the parking lot.
She slows the car and glances at me. “It doesn’t look like he’s here. Let’s get your stuff and get out.”
“We don’t have to go there first.” I glance at the bag. “I know you want to…”
“I want to get this done, and not take a chance on him returning.” She eases into the big parking lot, only one other vehicle in it and snatches up the bag. “Besides, while you pack up, I can use his bathroom and pee on this stick. Two birds and all.”
“Okay,” I say, and we go up the front steps. My stupid mind takes a fast trip down memory lane. Recalling all the times we went in the back way, and now I’m questioning everything. Was it because there were fewer steps, or was he just embarrassed to be seen with me? He’s a private guy and doesn’t like his business broadcasted, but still… If he loved me, really wanted to be with me, he’d want to tell the world, wouldn’t he?
We step inside and the place is empty. “Come on, let’s get this over with.” We go straight to his room, and his scent washes over me as we enter. A little gasp catches in my throat.
“You okay?” Kaitlyn asks. I squeeze my eyes shut to keep the tears restrained. “Maybe I should have done this for you.”
I breathe deep through my nose. “No, I’m okay.” I point. “The bathroom is right there, and I’ll be right here waiting for you. No matter what, I’ll be here for you, Kaitlyn.”
“Okay.” She walks to the bathroom and the door clicks shut. I glance at the clock as I hurry around and gather up the last of my things. All the while trying not to think about the lump in my throat, or the way my insides feel like they’ve been raked raw.
I count the minutes as I stuff everything into a bag, and sit on the bed, to stare at the closed bathroom door. She’s been in there at least four minutes, and the longer that door remains closed, the more I’m convinced she’s pregnant.
A little shriek reaches my ears and I jump from the bed. “Kaitlyn,” I say and walk to the door. It opens and relief washes through me when I see the smile on her face.
She holds the stick out. “Not pregnant.”
My body goes weak after the big adrenaline dump, and I pull her into my arms. “No more taking your pills late and if you want, you can have mine. I won’t be needing them anymore.”
She pulls back and brushes my hair from my face. “Don’t let Christian ruin anything for you. You deserve someone nice.”
I nod. She’s right. I do, but how can I give my heart to another when it’s in so many fragmented pieces.
I hear a bang down the hall and my pulse jumps. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Let me just clean up my stuff.” I follow her into the bathroom to pick up my toiletries, as she stuffs the stick and packaging material into the box. Once done, we leave his room, and as I shut his door, emotions crash over me like a turbulent wave, until I feel like I’m drowning. This is it. The very last I’ll ever see Christian’s room.
Why on earth did I let myself fall in love?