An apartment in New York. A nice one. Someone has been living here for a while now and things are piled up in that way that they get when you’re starting to run out of places to put stuff.
It all looks good and is very ordered, but it’s feeling a bit crowded in the corners.
The windows are dark. Night-time out. The sound of light traffic.
After a moment, a guy wanders on in his underwear and a sweatshirt. He’s nice-looking in his own way. Pretty fit but doesn’t seem to care about it much. This is “DOUG.”
He wanders over to the fridge and opens the door. Looks inside. Grabs a bottle of water and opens it. Chugs two or three good gulps out of it and then carries it back into the living area.
He plops down onto a couch and spreads out. Feet up on the coffee table. Picks up a book and opens it. Reads a line or two, makes a face, tosses it back onto a stack.
He grabs a remote and turns on the TV. The sound of it blasts on loudly. It’s on the QVC channel and someone is selling purses or clothes or some damn thing.
DOUG quickly turns it off and puts down the controller. He glances over his shoulder at the hallway. Waits.
After another beat, he seems to relax and picks up one more book. Cracks it open and starts to read. He finds something funny and laughs out loud.
DOUG reaches over, snaps on a lamp and sits back to do a bit more reading. Takes another sip of water.
A young woman appears in the hallway. Looking out. She wears a Star Wars t-shirt but otherwise seems pretty naked. This is “BETH.”
DOUG smiles again at something in the book. Laughs out loud. BETH keeps watching him.
BETH … not great to wake up alone.
DOUG snaps his head around and jumps up. Drops the book on the couch and looks over at BETH.
DOUG Oh! Hey! (Beat.) Sorry about that.
BETH Yeah, no, it’s okay. Just weird.
DOUG I know. Right. That’s … not …
BETH I thought maybe you left or something.
DOUG No! (Beat.) Of course not … no.
BETH I mean, I see that now but at the time I was just, like—a few seconds ago I’m saying—I got all freaked out … / Not super-freaked, but … you know … “ish.” Freakish.
DOUG I understand./ I get it.
BETH Ok. Good.
DOUG But that’s … (He gestures.) …
BETH Sorry?
DOUG No, nothing … I just … I mean, you have my shirt on there … so …
BETH looks down. Stretches out the logo to read it.
DOUG Yeah. I wouldn’t leave without that! It’s vintage … it’s not, like, from Target or something. I got it at Comic-Con. (Beat.) The little guy who played the robot? R2-D2? He signed it. (Points.) Right there.
BETH I’m … I didn’t realize that.
He waves her off. Adjusts his underwear a little bit.
DOUG No problem. You’re welcome to wear it. (Beat.) But that should’ve been a clue … no way I’m leaving without that!
BETH I just … sorry, no … I just grabbed the first thing I felt on the floor and put it on./ Sorry.
DOUG That’s fine … / No, it’s all good …
BETH I wasn’t suggesting … you know. I don’t even like Star Wars that much … so I wouldn’t steal it or anything!
DOUG Great. (Smiles.) I’ll keep it then.
BETH Cool!
DOUG Uh-huh.
The two of them stand there in silence for a moment. BETH looking around, still waking up.
BETH Did you turn on the TV or something?/ Oh. I thought I heard the …
DOUG Ummmmmm, no. Not the … / Uh-uh. (Pointing toward a book.) I was just … reading …
BETH Huh. Ok.
DOUG Yep. (Beat.) Not “reading” but browsing … (Beat.) TV’s just sitting right over there on the shelf thingie. Unused. (Beat.) Yep. “Console?” Is that what they call it? Not a shelf thingie. “Console,” I think …
Another moment of quiet. He holds out the water for BETH.
DOUG You want some? I woke up and I was, like, so thirsty so I just … hope it’s alright.
BETH Sure. (Looking.) It doesn’t say “Kim” on there, does it?
DOUG (Turning it over.) Nope. It’s just … “Smart Water” is all it says. (Shows her.) See?
BETH Okay, good. (Beat.) My roommate writes her name on everything she buys—her food, I mean—she basically buys the same stuff as me and then puts her name on it and then … whatever … she gets pissed if I use any of it, even if it’s mine. So I was just … you know … (Points.) Curious.
DOUG No, yeah, that makes sense. (Looks again.) This one appears to be yours.
BETH Good.
DOUG Sorry again … I should’ve asked.
BETH No, it’s totally … you know … community property or whatever./ I’m fine with it.
DOUG Thanks./ I would’ve checked with you first but you were pretty zonked out.
BETH I understand.
DOUG That’d be funny, though … if she did.
BETH What?
DOUG Sorry… I just mean, what you said a second ago … about your roommate.
BETH Kim?
DOUG Yeah. If she did put her name on all her stuff … not just her food, I’m saying … but, like, the couch, or, or, or if she bought that rug there or something …
BETH That actually is her rug …
DOUG looks at the rug for a moment, then around the rest of the apartment. Looks back at BETH, who says:
BETH Yep. (Pointing.) That lamp there, too. And the coffee table. Shelves, as well. (Beat.) Pretty much everything you can see …
DOUG Huh.
BETH (Looking around.) That vase is mine.
DOUG Nice! You have really good taste …
BETH Actually, she bought it for me./ Kim.
DOUG Oh./ Wow.
BETH Yeah. I mean, it had flowers and stuff in it at the time—for my birthday—but yes, Kim picked it out.
DOUG I see.
BETH I think she got it so it’d match the rest of her things, but … that’s just me …
DOUG No, yeah, I bet you’re right … (He looks around.) Pretty good match, too!
BETH See?
DOUG No, I get it. (Beat.) Anyhow, that’s what I mean. What if she went around and put her name on stuff, like in these huge letters … everything that was hers …? (Beat.) Like, with a stencil?
DOUG mimes what he means, pretending to write out the name “Kim” in massive letters on the couch first and then the rug and a few other furnishings.
BETH I wouldn’t put it past her!
DOUG stops and smiles at her. They look at each other.
DOUG Sounds like it. (Beat.) Wouldn’t that be crazy, though? If she did that?
DOUG Right? “KIM.” (Beat.) I wonder if anybody has ever done that in, like, the history of roommates? (Beat.) You think?
BETH Probably.
DOUG Yeah. No doubt.
BETH I know people have come up with a lot of wild stuff in those situations … masking tape down the middle of rooms and, like, cutting things in half./ Seriously.
DOUG True./ Yeah. (Beat.) Probably not masking tape, though.
BETH Excuse me?
DOUG Oh, nothing, no … just … I’m saying it’s probably not masking tape they use, in a case like that. (Beat.) Wouldn’t stick so good …
BETH No?
DOUG I don’t think so.
BETH Oh.
DOUG Probably more like duct tape.
BETH “Duck” tape?
DOUG Yeah. “Duct” With a “t.”/ “Duct.”
BETH Oh. Okay./ Got it. “Duct.”
DOUG You know what that is … the silver kind?
BETH I guess.
DOUG No, you’ve seen it before. Now they have all kinds—different colors, I’m saying, or zebra stripes—but it used to be just silver and it was for big jobs. Plumbing and that type of thing. Construction. Or packing boxes. (Beat.) You know? Silver …
BETH I think so. Yeah. I’ve seen it before … the silvery kind. Or gray. Ish. Grayish. (Beat.) Right?
DOUG shrugs and nods. Thinking about it for a moment.
DOUG Yeah. Anyway, it was probably from all of the … like … wine or maybe the … we did some whiskey, too, didn’t we? I remember doing something … was it whiskey?
BETH What’re you … I’m not sure what you mean now?
DOUG Oh, sorry! Yeah, I jump around a lot of the time … my mind does … that’s a little bit of a problem with me these days.
BETH Oh.
DOUG It wasn’t always when I was younger but it is now. Not a problem … but … a thing I do./ My brain does. Whatever.
BETH Huh./ I see.
DOUG Yep. (Beat.) I went back to the thing from before … reason that you fell asleep last night so quick. (Beat.) After we … (Beat.) you know … (Beat.) Yeah. (Beat.)
BETH Got it.
DOUG Good.
BETH I see.
DOUG Yeah. That’s what I meant. That you had a lot to drink—no judgment, we both did—and that’s why you were sleeping that way before. So soundly.
BETH … maybe so …
DOUG Anyway, you were asleep, you were really out of it and I just felt like I should let you rest … so …
BETH That makes sense.
DOUG Right?
BETH Sure. Thanks for that. I get it now.
DOUG Yeah, and I … but I would never just go like that. Take off./ Without letting you know first or, like, saying “Goodbye.” I really wouldn’t … I’m not that guy … the “Sneak Out After You-Know-What Kinda Guy.” That isn’t me. (Beat.) Nope.
BETH That’s nice./ Thank you.
DOUG Especially without my shirt there!
BETH Right! (Laughs.) But like I said, I didn’t know it was yours at the time … so …
DOUG Yeah, no, I get it. That’s true.
Another moment of silence. A siren in the distance. DOUG is still standing and he takes a step toward BETH as he holds out the bottle of water.
DOUG Sure you don’t want a sip? Apparently it makes you “smart” or something …
BETH Ha! I don’t think that’s the case …
DOUG I dunno. It says so, right here … (He points to the label.) “Smart Water.” I don’t think they’d lie about that …
BETH No. Probably not. (Smiles.) You wanna … what’re you thinking? Did you want to go, or … you wanna come back in?/ To bed now, or … just … you tell me.
DOUG Oh./ Ummmmmmmmm …
She waits for him to say something more but he doesn’t.
BETH Awkward. (Beat.) No pressure. I was just asking …
DOUG Right, no, no, no, that’s … I’m just …
BETH I’m not making a big deal out of it or anything …
DOUG … I understand … I get that …
BETH If you need to go, you can … go for it. Now’s your chance …
DOUG No, it’s not that … / … ummmmmm …
BETH So then …?/ What?
DOUG I just … I’m kinda awake now. I know it’s early but I feel like I’m up … so like I probably can’t sleep again./ For a while.
BETH Oh./ Okay. (Beat.) That’s okay. If you’re not tired … then … (Beat.) I didn’t just mean for “sleep.” Necessarily.
DOUG Ahhhhh. I see. (Beat.) But you should … you do need your sleep so don’t let me stop you from … you know …
BETH No, I’m fine …
DOUG Yeah, but you probably … you’re working tomorrow, right? Didn’t you say that to me … last night … over at the …?
BETH I do. I mean, I did, yes, I said that … at the thing. Right. I did. Meaning yes, I do. I’m working tomorrow. (Beat.) Yep.
DOUG Uh-huh. (Beat.) Today, technically.
BETH Right!
DOUG checks his watch. Yes, he still wears a watch.
DOUG In just a little bit …
BETH True. (Yawns.) I actually should get a couple more hours … but …
DOUG Go ahead. No problem.
BETH Okay. So … does that mean …? (Beat.) What exactly does that mean, though? For us … here. You and me …
DOUG Nothing.
BETH “Nothing.” (Beat.) So … what does nothing mean? You wanna leave?
DOUG No! Not at all … I can hang out here.
BETH Yeah?/ While I’m sleeping?
DOUG Yep./ Totally. (Beat.) We could even go get breakfast or something. Before you work. Or whatever. (Beat.) I’d do that …
BETH You wanna do that?
DOUG I can, absolutely … or … or …
DOUG is trying to negotiate this moment very carefully.
DOUG Look … I’ll be honest with you … I never expected this to happen! Between us? Not ever!
DOUG Yeah, so, it’s just … I mean, shit! I’m just a little caught off-guard here, so, you know … just … gimme a second, okay?
BETH I agree. I’m not even processing it right now … I’m just going with it …
DOUG … ok …
BETH So let’s just leave it at that for now. It’s better that way. (Beat.) You can get back into bed if you want to … if that’s not too … OR … you can go, I guess …
DOUG Yeah, but if I can’t sleep and I start to get all … you know …
He demonstrates just how restless he might get in bed.
BETH (Smiling.) Ok, ok … if you’re gonna be like that—epileptic—then “no.”/ That would suck.
DOUG Ha!/ Yeah. I’m a really light sleeper …
BETH Me, too. (Beat.) Super light.
DOUG I remember that.
BETH Oh. (Beat.) You do?
DOUG Yep. I mean, I think so … kind of.
BETH That’s … huh. Okay. (Beat.) Really?
DOUG Maybe not. (Shrugs.) I dunno!
DOUG smiles and nods. Waits. BETH smiles and nods too.
BETH I mean … that was a while ago.
DOUG Pretty long ago now. That’s true.
BETH Right.
DOUG But I sorta do remember that. For some reason … your whole “sleep” deal.
BETH Huh. (Beat.) It’s a pretty recent thing.
DOUG Ok, maybe not. (Beat.) I’m not sure now. (Beat.) I feel like … even way back at camp—remember that leadership camp we went to in high school?—I can remember that. You being a light sleeper or something. I think …
BETH Oh. Huh. Cool. (Beat.) So … you wanna just hang out here? Watch TV or something? We have HBO but not Showtime … in case there’s some series you like or whatnot. (Points to his t-shirt.) Game of Thrones or one of those … I’m guessing.
DOUG Ha! No, I’m totally good! (Smiling.) I’m not really into shows about dragons … / Wookies are cool, but no dragons! (Beat.) It’s complicated.
BETH No?/ Ok, then maybe you wanna just finish that book there?/ Or keep “browsing?”
She points at the volume that DOUG had been perusing when she entered the room. He laughs at this. Picks it up.
DOUG Yeah, maybe!/ Why not? (Reading.) “Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea.” (Beat.) That’s the one chick from on TV, right?
BETH Uh-huh. The blonde one.
DOUG Right. (Beat.) She’s funny.
BETH You think?
DOUG Kinda. Dirty-funny, but yeah. She’s ok.
BETH nods quietly but doesn’t seem to agree. DOUG puts the book back down and steps away from the coffee table.
BETH I don’t like her that much. (Beat.) Lots of people do—Kim does—but I don’t.
DOUG No?
BETH Uh-uh. She thinks she’s really clever and cute and all that, like, you know … cuter than she actually is … I mean, she’s cute but not that cute./ Not, like, adorable.
DOUG Yeah./ No, I know what you mean …
BETH And I hate that in people. Especially in girls. (Beat.) My roommate’s like that and I don’t care for it … that “I’m such a cutie” attitude.
DOUG “Kim,” you mean? Or …?
BETH Yeah. Kim. She’s totally like that.
DOUG Huh. (Beat.) Cool.
BETH What?
DOUG Sorry?
BETH What’s so “cool” about that? I mean … what’s great about being that way?
DOUG shrugs and says nothing. BETH watches him. Waiting.
DOUG No, nothing! Just that … you said “roommate” so I’m guessing you only have one, is that right?/ You share this apartment with just one other person?
BETH … yes … / Yeah. Kim.
DOUG So that’s what I meant by “cool.” I think it’s nice when you have a place almost to yourself and not a bunch of other people. Sometimes it’s great to just have the run of a place and not feel like you’re … you know … some …
BETH No, I get what you mean./ I do.
DOUG Yeah?/ Ok, then.
BETH Sure.
DOUG Good! (Laughs.) Because I was starting to lose the point of it myself, so thanks!/ That is much appreciated …
BETH Ha!/ Whatever …
BETH laughs to herself at this. Looks around and steps a bit further into the living room.
She crosses into the kitchen area. Opens the fridge door.
DOUG Sorry. Sometimes I can just get talking and I look up and, like … two hours have somehow passed! Stupid, really …
BETH No, it’s fine.
DOUG Yeah?
BETH Absolutely. (Beat.) Nice to have someone around who … you know …
DOUG What?
BETH No, nothing.
DOUG … wears awesome t-shirts?
BETH Ha! (Pointing.) Yes!! You can’t have too many of these “Darth Vader” logos around for my taste! They just reek of class …
DOUG laughs at this. Takes another drink from the bottle of water and then caps it. BETH closes the fridge door.
DOUG Hey, hey! That shirt is amazing—and lots of people like Star Wars! Women, too … (Beat.) Probably less than guys … but I think a lot do. Enjoy Sci-Fi, anyway.
BETH … I know …
DOUG Alright then. (Beat.) It’s not childish. Star Wars is awesome … there’s a whole mythology there. Hero with a Thousand Faces? Joseph Campbell? No? (Beat.) Anyway, yeah, I’ve had a few bumps on the road to growing up … I’m the first to admit that … but …
BETH Ha! And I’d be the second hand up on that one …
DOUG Hey!/ Come on now!/ Ouch!
DOUG pretends to get an “arrow to the heart.” He stumbles backward, holding his chest. BETH smiles at his antics.
BETH I’m kidding! Sort of./ “Ish.”/ Let’s just put it this way: you haven’t exactly been in a hurry to become an adult …
DOUG No, that’s true … but, you know … why should I be? What’s the point of that?
BETH I dunno. I guess it’s what we’re supposed to do, right? Isn’t that what people are always saying?
DOUG I guess. (Beat.) If you mean the “people” I think you mean, then yeah … they say it all the time. Endlessly.
BETH Right.
DOUG Religiously.
BETH True! Pretty much non-stop …
DOUG Yep. (Beat.) They sure do.
DOUG reacts to this, shaking it off good-naturedly but it is obviously a sore spot with him. BETH knows this is the case and decides to let it go.
DOUG Anyhow … whatever …
BETH Whatever is right. Do what you want. If wearing this thing makes you happy, then go for it./ (Points to shirt.) It’s fine.
DOUG Thank you./ ’ppreciate it.
BETH Not really my place to judge …
DOUG That’s kinda true as well.
BETH Won’t stop me … but it’s not really my place!
DOUG Ha! Right!
They share a smile and a little laugh at this. DOUG looks around, noticing that he’s not wearing much more than his underwear and a sweatshirt.
DOUG I should … probably … you know. At least put my pants on, though. Or whatnot.
BETH I mean … if you’re uncomfortable … / Don’t worry about it for me, but … sure.
DOUG No, but … / What if your roomie comes back? What’s her name again? “Kim?”I don’t wanna throw her into a tizzy …
BETH True. (Thinks.) She’s not supposed to … at least I think so. She’s staying over at her boyfriend’s place tonight. (Beat.) This is Sunday, right?/ So … yeah …
DOUG Uh-huh … / Well, technically Monday now, but, it was Sunday just a little bit ago.
BETH That’s what I meant. Last night.
DOUG nods at this and glances at his watch. It is in fact after midnight so yes: it’s now Monday.
DOUG Sure. ’Course. (Checks his wrist.) Last night it was Sunday night … (Pointing to his watch.) Calendar.
BETH Thank-you. (Beat.) So? (Beat.) You know what? Here …
Before DOUG can offer any resistance, BETH pulls off the Star Wars shirt and reveals her body. Lovely, ordinary, and kind of perfect. A young woman naked.
DOUG No … wait … that’s … okay …
She tosses the shirt to him and disappears down the hall for a minute.
DOUG pulls off his sweatshirt and puts on the Star Wars shirt and looks around. He sits back and waits.
DOUG is about to pull on his sweatshirt when BETH returns wearing a v-neck t-shirt and a tiny pair of panties. Some socks pulled up to her thighs as well. She poses for him.
BETH Ta-dah!
BETH Yeah … sexy, right?
DOUG laughs but doesn’t say anything. BETH sits down next to him on the couch. It’s quiet for a few beats.
DOUG Actually, yeah. I like that look. (Mimes.) With the … what … the stripes? Like you have there./ Very 70s. Or something … Burt Reynolds./ No, that sounds weird. I mean that one football movie he did. With the cheerleaders … and stuff …
BETH Thanks./ Umm-hmmm. Okay … / Got ’em at American Apparel./ They’re kinda “in” right now.
DOUG Huh./ Nice.
BETH You ever been in there?
DOUG Ummmmm … yeah. (Beat.) Once or twice.
BETH Yeah?
DOUG Not on my own!/ But … yeah. I have.
BETH Ok!/ I wasn’t judging you …
DOUG I know, but … they don’t have too much stuff for guys … but some things … (Beat.) Hats.
BETH Sure. (Smiling.) Were you in there with a girl?
DOUG That’s not … come on now!
BETH I’m just asking!
DOUG I know, but … God … we just … you know?
BETH I’m not asking who—her name or anything like that—just if I’m right or not.
DOUG Ok. Yes. (Beat.) A girl.
BETH Your ex?
DOUG … yes.
BETH I see.
DOUG It’s not … no. Nothing.
DOUG Not my last one—Whitney, not her—but the one before that.
BETH Oh. (Beat.) Who?
DOUG I don’t think you ever met her …
BETH Yeah, but what’s her name?
DOUG shrugs and hesitates but finally looks up and over at BETH. Smiles and says:
DOUG “Pamela.” (Beat.) She went by “Pam” mostly but yeah … her name was “Pamela.”
BETH Hmmm. (Beat.) The blonde girl?
DOUG Nope …
BETH Not “blonde” but, like, dirty blonde … with the bangs …? Kinda like my hair?
DOUG Not her, either. A different one.
BETH Oh.
DOUG Anyway, it was her. Pam. I went with her.
BETH Got it. (Beat.) I don’t remember her.
DOUG That’s what I said …
BETH No, right, and I’m just agreeing with you about it. I never met any “Pam” or, like, “Pamela” or anybody like that …
DOUG Well, we didn’t go out that long.
BETH No?
DOUG Not at all. Couple months. If that.
BETH Hmmm.
DOUG Might even be less than that. Two.
BETH I see.
DOUG Yeah. (Beat.) She was diabetic. (Beat.) Not important …
BETH But she’s the one who you went to the store with at some point … right?
DOUG Yep. Somewhere in there … during our few dates or whatever … between radical dips in her blood sugar … we went in.
BETH Got it.
BETH seems ready to pursue this a bit further but it’s clear that DOUG is more than finished with the subject so she decides to drop it.
BETH He’s kind of a perv … right?
DOUG Sorry?
BETH The guy who runs that place. Owns it./ Have you heard about him? He even got arrested.
DOUG Oh. I dunno./ No. Did he?
BETH I’m pretty sure. I think he actually got fired. From his own company. (Beat.) You’ve seen the ads for it before, right? On the back of … you know … the Village Voice and places like that?
DOUG … ummmmmmmm …
BETH I’m sure you have! They’re all over the streets …
DOUG I think so. (Beat.) With the … girls …?
BETH Yeah, well, supposedly he shoots all of them himself. With people he picks up at the beach or wherever. At the mall./ Out roller-skating or that kinda thing …
DOUG No … / Really?
BETH Uh-huh.
DOUG Wow.
BETH Yeah … and then brings them back to his place or to the … whatever … the basement of one of his stores … like, the nearest one … with a mattress on the floor …
DOUG Ha! Did you read about this or something?
BETH No, but everybody says it happens! People have written articles about it …
DOUG Yeah, no, I’m not doubting you. (Smiling.) But it didn’t happen to you, though … did it?/ Just asking!/ I thought maybe that’s how you got those socks there …
BETH No !/ What?!/ Idiot!
She laughs and then looks around the apartment, jumping up to rummage through a stack of papers in a nearby bin.
BETH I’m sure we’ve got it … if “Kim” hasn’t thrown it out yet. (Looking.) God! I feel like I just saw one this morning! (Beat.) Where is it …?
DOUG That’s ok …
BETH I know, but I want you to see what I’m saying … / The photos …
DOUG … okay … / If you wanna …
BETH It’s alright, I’m sure we have one here somewhere …
DOUG Seriously, Beth, I can look it up on my phone or … like … my laptop …
BETH I know, but now it’s frustrating me! It was, like, literally ten hours ago … and now it’s gone … (Digging.) I’ll find it!
DOUG Great … I mean, if it’s right there …
BETH It was, but now it’s … Kim probably took that one to work or something … she could subliminally tell I might want it tonight so she probably threw it away!/ Seriously wouldn’t be surprised …
DOUG Ha! Can’t wait to meet her!/ Sounds like a real charmer, this “Kim” …
BETH Oh yeah! She’s … amazing …
BETH turns and smiles at DOUG as she continues to rummage through the papers.
After a moment, she turns back around and looks at DOUG.
BETH Are you staring at my ass?
DOUG … ummmmmmmm …
BETH Are you?
DOUG No … that’s not … I mean … I wouldn’t call it “staring” exactly./ More like “appreciating” it, that’s all …
BETH No?/ You can, I mean, no law against it or anything, but … I just …
DOUG What?
BETH … just kinda wanna know what you’re up to back there. Fantasy-wise …
DOUG Okay, so yes! That was pretty much it. Me staring. I was doing the, you know … (He points.) “Superman” thing./ X-ray vision.
BETH Cool./ Alright. (Beat.) That’s all …
She smiles over at him mischievously and then goes back to digging through the papers. Ass turned back toward him again and thrust up in the air a bit.
DOUG tries not to watch her but it’s a losing battle he is waging.
BETH A-ha!
She stands up, triumphantly holding up a magazine. Young girl posing in undies and high socks on the back page.
BETH See?
BETH returns to the couch with the Village Voice in her hands. She tosses it onto DOUG’s lap and then points to the ad in question.
DOUG Yeah. Huh. Look at that … (Scanning it.) That’s seriously not you?/ (Holds it up.) Turn around again for a second …
DOUG I’m kidding! (Looks again.) Yeah … it’s just like you described it. Basically.
BETH Degrading, right?
DOUG Ummmmm … yeah. Pretty much.
BETH “Pretty much?”
DOUG I mean, she’s cute, but … and weirdly … dressed just like you …
BETH Yeah, but … that’s not the point! (Beat.) Right?
DOUG No, I’m just … saying …
BETH Either way, it’s kinda gross, I think … And I’m not a prude or anything.
DOUG No, you’re not.
BETH I mean … obviously.
DOUG Right. Super-obviously.
BETH But I just think advertising has gone too far lately./ It’s ridiculous! I mean, it really has … look at her!! Up on her … hands …
DOUG True./ No, you’re right … yeah …
BETH You know?
DOUG Yes. Absolutely. (Beat.) Although it does seem to be working … this “advertising” thing. (Smiles.) But no, you’re right. It is gross. (Reaches for the magazine.) Let me just see it one more time to be sure.
He picks up the ad and pretends to study it very closely.
BETH Ha! (Slugs him on the arm.)/ You don’t feel like that at all!
DOUG Oww!/ No, I do … come on … I do, but … she is pretty, though …
BETH So what?! She’s seven!
BETH She’s honestly like seven years old …
DOUG That’s … you’re joking, right?/ Because she’s got great tits for seven …
BETH Yes, of course I am!/ Stop!/ She’s very young, though./A teenager.
DOUG I’m KIDDING!/ Yeah, she is./ That’s true.
BETH Okay then.
DOUG And that’s not the right way for them to sell socks to people. With child labor. (Beat.) Is that what you mean?
BETH Yes. (Beat.) I mean, no, not just—they’re all in their underwear or in pantyhose or that kinda thing. (Points at it.) Come on! Whether she’s “cute” or not … that’s not cool … is it?/ It’s exploitative. It’s disgusting.
DOUG No. I suppose not./ You’re right. (Beat.) How old is the guy?
BETH What?
DOUG The guy … the one you said was taking all these pictures? How old is he?
BETH I dunno, but older. An adult./ Much older than her.
DOUG Huh./ I see.
BETH A grown man.
DOUG Ok, I get it.
BETH Yeah, so …
DOUG Right. No, that does make it worse …
BETH Than what?
DOUG I just … I mean, like, if someone our age took them … if I did, or … you know …
BETH You’d never do that! (Beat.) Would you?
DOUG No! I’m not saying “me” with her … but someone like me. Another guy like me.
DOUG is trying to form his idea and takes a moment to say it. He starts and stops once or twice.
DOUG Just that … if it was someone in the same age range as the girls—one of their own friends or that type of thing—that’d be better, right?
BETH … ummmmmmmm …
DOUG Just a question.
BETH I guess … but …
DOUG Rather than some old dude, I mean. Rather than this guy you mentioned before … “Mr. Convict Guy.”
BETH Sure, that’s … but it’d still be wrong … as in demeaning to women./ Right?
DOUG Uh-huh./ No, agreed. I was just curious.
BETH About what?
DOUG The other thing. About it in the eyes of everybody else. People.
BETH What about them?
DOUG If they’d accept it more … think it was alright for her to be doing that … if it was a friend of hers. From the same high school or, you know, her neighborhood … like a boyfriend or whatever.
BETH … I see what you’re saying, but …
DOUG That’s all. If that was a photo that he took from his cellphone or that type of thing … sent out to his buddies … would that be more alright?
BETH Hmmmmm. I guess. (Thinking.) Maybe.
DOUG Yeah, I’m not sure … just wondering.
BETH I mean … better than some pervy business-guy doing it for profit and so he can get off later looking at the negatives. Yeah, I suppose so …
DOUG Agreed! (Beat.) I mean, I don’t think people use “negatives” anymore, but …
BETH Come on!
DOUG What?
BETH That’s … semantics! I’m just saying it’s still not great. Right?
DOUG Yeah. (Pointing.) I mean … no … her doing a handstand or whatever it is she’s doing there—for all the world to see—is not great.
BETH Exactly. I mean … come on!
DOUG Yeah, no, that’s stupid.
BETH And kinda gross, right?
DOUG Yeah. Definitely that. “Gross.” Girls doing naked handstands are gross …
BETH turns and studies DOUG for a moment—he has a little grin on his face which is very hard to read.
Suddenly she grabs the magazine and rolls it up. Smacking him with it.
DOUG laughs and fights back. First by holding his hands up to protect himself and then finally being proactive—grabbing at BETH and stopping her any way he can.
Together they laugh and keep playing. The “fighting” is slowly giving way to kissing.
Real and passionate and hot. A long stream of warm kisses on the mouth and neck.
BETH You’re a good kisser …
DOUG You too.
BETH I like it … I mean, it’s nice … I really like kissing you.
DOUG Agreed. And God … you’re so beautiful./ Is that okay to say? I mean …
BETH Thanks./ Sure. (Beat.) I always knew you would be. Good at kissing./ Yep. I was sure of it … I even heard that you were.
DOUG Yeah?/ Really?
BETH Yes. From a few people …
DOUG So … you thought about it before? I mean, before “now?” Doing this?
BETH Of course! Hundreds of times.
DOUG Yeah? Me, too.
BETH Seriously?
DOUG Sure. Maybe not “hundreds,” but—(Grins.)—I’m kidding, but yes, I always imagined that it’d be very nice to kiss me …
BETH now realizes that’s he’s still playing around and she laughs, smacking him again with the magazine.
BETH You’re so dumb …
DOUG I know! (Kissing her.) You too, though.
BETH Yeah. Kinda. With the right person I can be. A little bit silly …
DOUG “Silly” is nice. I love “silly.”
BETH Playful.
DOUG Yes.
BETH It’s good. Right? (Beat.) To be that way?
DOUG Yep.
They begin to kiss again. Plopping down on the couch and going at it.
Suddenly BETH begins to kiss down DOUG’s neck and across his bare chest, lifting his shirt as she goes. Moving ever lower.
DOUG is playing with BETH’s hair, letting her go further while he watches her.
After a moment, she starts to pull down his underpants—not off but down and out of the way. She looks up at him and smiles, then starts to put his cock in her mouth.
Just at the last second, DOUG stops her. Pulls her up to look at her and then kisses her again. Several times.
BETH is happy to kiss him but curious. Very curious.
BETH … are you … did you just stop me?
DOUG Hmmmmm?
BETH Nothing … I’m just asking …
DOUG What?
BETH Did you not want me to … you know …?
DOUG No! That’s not … I just felt like kissing you again. I like that, so … I was …
BETH … ok …
DOUG That’s all.
BETH Yeah, but … I mean … I had you, like, in my mouth just now …
DOUG Ummmmmm …
BETH You were “in” there./ In-side.
DOUG No … / But not, like, completely …
BETH So … do you not like that? That’s all I’m asking./ I wanna be really clear on that.
DOUG Ahhhhh … / Okay.
BETH straightens up now and climbs off DOUG. Slumps onto the couch next to him.
DOUG pulls up his underwear and sits back next to her.
They are quiet for a few moments. Glancing at each other.
BETH Is it the shirt?
BETH The t-shirt there … do you not wanna get … stuff … on it or something?/ You know! Your “stuff” stuff …
DOUG What?/ Are you seriously asking me that?
BETH … well …
DOUG No! (Beat.) It’s not that.
BETH I mean, you were all “it’s vintage” and like that earlier, so I thought maybe …
DOUG Beth, come on!
BETH I’m just asking!
DOUG Ok, so “no” then, it’s not that …
BETH ’Cause you can take it off if you want./ I mean, if it’s a sanity issue …
DOUG Please./ … you mean “sanitary?”
BETH God! Don’t correct me right now!/ DO NOT! I mean, shit … don’t fucking DO THAT!!
DOUG Ok, fine./ Beth, come on … don’t be all—(DOUG makes an angry face and shakes his hands.) You know? Jesus …
BETH I’m not mad, I’m really not … ! It pisses me off but I’m not “mad!” okay?! There’s a difference!!
DOUG Yeah? You kinda sound like you are. Mad.
BETH Well, I’m not!!/ Fine./ Good.
DOUG Alright./ Cool./ You sure?
They steal glances at each other for a minute. Silence.
BETH I am honestly not mad, so please don’t keep saying that … that I am.
DOUG I’m not.
BETH Yeah, but you were … just now. Like, one second ago …
DOUG I didn’t say that, though. That you were mad./ Not that word.
DOUG I just think you’re sorta put off by the fact that I … whatever …
BETH You stopped me. (Beat.) In motion.
DOUG I just …
BETH No, you stopped me with your … thing … basically within my mouth.
DOUG It wasn’t in.
BETH Ummmmm, excuse me, but … yeah …
DOUG … it was just … on the edge … / Or, like, the rim …
BETH Hey, I was there!/ Right there!
DOUG Ok, fine … then yes, it was in … but, like … just barely …
BETH “Barely” is in! That’s “in” the mouth./ Your tip was fully inside of my mouth cavity … so …
DOUG Fine./ Ok.
BETH Yeah. “Ok.”
DOUG I’m not gonna argue about this … because It’s not worth it …
BETH Good.
DOUG I’m not. It’s stupid.
BETH Don’t.
DOUG I won’t.
BETH Good.
DOUG I’m just saying …
BETH What? What is it, Doug? Tell me … lemme know why you let me pull your undies all the way down and stick your penis in my mouth—after we already got pretty crazy earlier in my bedroom, by the way, too—and now you suddenly stopped me cold … (Beat.) So … yeah. Please. Do tell.
DOUG Ok. (Beat.) Because.
BETH … because …? (Beat.) Can we elaborate here … please?
DOUG Because I just wanted us to … you know … Think it through./ This. Doing this here.
BETH What?/ Which part?
DOUG Come on! (Beat.) Having sex. Together.
BETH Ahhhhh … sorry, but we did that already. We had a lot of sex earlier tonight, so that’s … not the …
DOUG I know … I know!
BETH Ok, great! Thought maybe you missed that!
DOUG Of course not! Please!
BETH … well …
DOUG Look … Beth … I don’t wanna fight here … seriously, you know I don’t.
BETH Fine.
She is fuming now and DOUG knows she is. Silence. DOUG clears his throat and starts to talk again:
DOUG And I know what we did this evening—earlier, I mean—was really, like … well, you know. It was incredible. I’m not just blowing smoke here, I’m not, that was an amazing time there … in your bedroom. With you. It totally was …
BETH (Quietly.) Thank you./ I guess so …
DOUG You know that./ You do.
BETH Yeah. Maybe.
DOUG Come on!
BETH Ok. Yes. (Beat.) Whatever.
DOUG Ok, thank you, yes … but … I’m just …
DOUG suddenly stands up and moves away from BETH. Starts to move around the room.
DOUG I just suddenly … you know … I felt the need for us to hold up for a second and just examine this. What we’re doing—to think it through. That’s all. Assess the damage and just—not “damage,” but—okay?
BETH Damage? Great.
DOUG So it’s not some big “thing” against you. My stopping us.
BETH Well … sure felt like it.
DOUG It’s not! (Beat.) I like you … you know that … I think you do, anyway … if you don’t then now you do. (Beat.) I do. I like you, Beth.
BETH Thank you.
DOUG Welcome.
DOUG waits for a response. BETH remains quiet so he says:
DOUG And I’m … just … I’m knocked out by what happened tonight, I am, but I just feel like we gotta take one step back now and be sensible here. (Beat.) We have to.
BETH There’s nothing wrong with it.
DOUG No, I know, I know that … but …
BETH It just happened.
DOUG Yes.
BETH And I wanted it to happen. I did.
DOUG Me, too …
BETH You sure?
DOUG Yes.
BETH I mean for “sure” sure?
DOUG Of course!/ Beth, I’ve thought about this for, like, forever. Honestly. That long.
BETH Not of course … / Yeah, but …
DOUG I mean it!
BETH If it was “of course” we wouldn’t be on this subject right now, I’d be doing the thing I was doing to you or we’d be back in the bedroom and all that … if it was so “of course” so no, it’s not just “of course.” (Beat.) Okay?
DOUG Maybe that’s true.
BETH Yeah … so …
DOUG But if you’re asking if I regret what we did here tonight … then my answer is “No.” (Beat.) Is that what you’re asking?
BETH No.
DOUG But … yeah, it kinda is.
BETH Kinda.
DOUG See?
BETH I suppose.
DOUG Alright, thank you … and “No” is my answer. I have no regrets about that. None. (Grins.) It was fantastic … and you know it was … but I guess I just wanna be sure that … if we did do it again … / I dunno. That we …
BETH What?/ …
DOUG That we really think about it! That’s all! (Beat.) I don’t want us to make a mistake here or, or … just … a … not a “mistake” but, you know … once is just an accident, once is a “gimme” and we can walk away, but twice is, like, that’s where the idea of mistake can come in …
BETH Thanks.
DOUG Oh, come on! Please!
BETH What?!
DOUG I’m not saying it was a mistake! God no!
BETH Ummmmmm, kinda, yeah! Sounds like it!
DOUG I said I liked it the first time …
BETH “Liked.”
DOUG Ok, fine, loved it! I loved it! Better?
BETH Ummmmmm, yeah! LOTS better!
DOUG So then I loved it. (Beat.) Like I said before … no regrets …
BETH Ok, good. You have no regrets … you still made me feel bad.
DOUG That’s not … I didn’t mean for that to happen! Obviously not!
BETH Nothing is obvious at a time like this, okay? So just …
DOUG Alright, true. Fair enough. (Beat.) I do not wanna rush this is all … blow it or, like … my chance with you. This is the part that people usually rush through just to “get off” but I don’t wanna do that this time. (Beat.) I was actually being cautious for you … like a gentleman would do. (Beat.) So there.
DOUG stops fidgeting. Sits on the arm of the couch. BETH looks up at him. Shrugs. Silence for a beat or two.
BETH … would you like me better if I did one of those handstands?
DOUG Ha!
BETH I’m serious! Maybe that’s what you guys like …
DOUG Whoa, whoa, whoa … wait a minute … wait. What’s that? Who’re “you guys?”
BETH You know!
DOUG No, I don’t!
BETH Just … guys. Guys like you.
DOUG Hey, that’s … there aren’t any guys like me out there. Anywhere. (Beat.) You know that.
BETH … I guess …
DOUG Come on … Beth … you know that.
BETH Whatever.
DOUG You do.
BETH …
DOUG No, you know it. That’s why you’re here.
BETH I live here.
BETH Fine. Yes. (Beat.) You’re unique …
DOUG I am, yeah. I am. And so are you …
BETH I guess.
DOUG Stop!
BETH Fine. We both are. (Beat.) So what?
DOUG “So what” is that this happened to us … it’s crazy and amazing and, like, such good sex … right?/ Like, insane good.
BETH Yep./ Pretty good.
DOUG Hey! Come on! Play fair …
BETH Ok, yes. It was. “Great.”
DOUG Right, it was, AND maybe this was always gonna happen and it finally just did …
BETH Kinda seems like it. (Beat.) Doesn’t it?
DOUG Yeah. I mean, that’s what I just said … it happened and I really loved it and all that … but …
BETH What?
DOUG I’m just … I dunno! I don’t know how to describe it, what I’m trying to say …
BETH Just say what you’re feeling.
DOUG Oh yeah! Right! (Smiles.) I forgot about that option … the truth./ Good one …
BETH I know!/ It’s never the “go-to” anymore, is it?
DOUG Nope!
DOUG nods and smiles. BETH looks him straight in the eye.
BETH Honestly, do. Be honest. I can take it.
DOUG But …
BETH Just tell me what’s up with you. Just the facts.
DOUG Okay, okay, okay … truth is …
DOUG stops himself. Thinks for a moment, then turns back to BETH.
DOUG Yes. I did turn on the TV earlier. Full disclosure.
BETH What?
DOUG You know … when you asked earlier … if I put the TV on and I said “No.” That wasn’t true. I did do that.
BETH You did?
DOUG Yeah. (Beat.) See? My mind backtracks …
BETH Oh.
DOUG Sorry … I just …
BETH What?
DOUG I dunno. (Beat.) Didn’t wanna be the one to wake you up or whatever, so I just …
BETH You fibbed.
DOUG Yep. Basically.
BETH Okay. (Beat.) I thought so …
DOUG It was just for a second, though … some shopping show was on and I turned it off again. In, like, two seconds.
BETH I see./ Kim watches that crap.
DOUG Sorry./ Oh. (Beat.) Anyway … sorry.
BETH It’s alright.
DOUG Yeah, but I didn’t need to lie about it.
BETH That’s true.
DOUG It was just … you know … instinct.
BETH “Instinct?”
DOUG Or habit or … look, it’s not coming out like I want it to, but … ahhhh, nothing!
BETH No, don’t do that … it’s fine.
DOUG I know, but … I don’t mean it’s a habit. I don’t make it a habit to lie, I just …
BETH I mean, I never thought you were a liar before … back in the day or whenever …
DOUG I wasn’t.
BETH I’d remember it if you were … because I hate liars.
DOUG I’m not! I mean, I wasn’t … (Beat.) This is frustrating, ok, because I’m not like this amazing social speaker … at all … / Not that you can tell …
BETH I get it./ Ha!
DOUG … but I’m really trying here, to be an honest person with you …
BETH No, I appreciate that.
DOUG Ok, cool, but … so …
BETH What?
DOUG I still feel like … anyway, no, it wasn’t this big premeditated thing that I… you know? The TV, or lying … or coming over here, even.
BETH … I believe you …
DOUG Is that even the right word?
BETH What? “Premeditated?”
DOUG Yeah.
BETH I think so—you’re saying you didn’t plan it. (Beat.) Right?
DOUG Exactly!
BETH And you didn’t …?
DOUG No! Obviously …
BETH Promise?
DOUG Yes!
BETH You’re totally sure?
DOUG Of course! (Beat.) I just blurted it out because … you know … I didn’t wanna get in trouble or anything … and it was none of my business, to be messing with your stuff like that, anyway … so I just …
DOUG Yes./ For a second … and I’m sorry.
BETH No problem.
DOUG Great.
BETH It’s really not an issue …
DOUG Thank you!
BETH And it’s not mine, anyway …
DOUG What’s that?
BETH The TV.
DOUG Oh. (Realizing.) “Kim” again?
BETH You got it!
DOUG Ha! Of course!/ “Shocker!”
BETH Yep!/ And she never lets me forget it, trust me …
DOUG How?/ You mean, like … what?
BETH Just … / Like with all her crap in here! She just points it out all the time. In her little ways. Little bossy ways.
DOUG Really?
BETH Yeah. Just … makes a viewing schedule and won’t let me DVR anything without asking first … / “Permission.”
DOUG Wow./ Damn.
BETH So, yeah … just stuff. Stupid stuff but it bugs me. (Beat.) Stereo levels. Stuff. (Beat.) See, it’s really her parents’ place, so she gets … all … (Gestures.) you know. “Bitchy.”
DOUG That sucks. (Beat.) Jeez.
BETH Yep. (Beat.) I wanna get outta here soon, actually, but … this city, right?
DOUG I know.
BETH So expensive.
DOUG True.
BETH Anyway …
She trails off. Not finishing her thought. Shrugs her shoulders.
DOUG thinks for a moment, trying to fill in the gap.
DOUG Yeah, “anyway.” (Beat.) It was really nice before. Being with you.
BETH Thanks.
DOUG Honestly.
BETH I believe you.
DOUG Good! Finally …
BETH I never said I didn’t believe you!
DOUG I know, but … you kinda got all …
BETH I just wondered why you stopped me at that moment./ When I was …
DOUG Ok./ I know.
BETH That’s all.
DOUG But … you understand why now? Right?
BETH I guess.
DOUG Beth …
BETH No, I guess I do.
DOUG … but …
BETH I still don’t really “get” it. Not, like, the exact reason or anything … but …
DOUG Because of our situation. That’s why. (Beat.) Our thing here. Us. Both of us. Our “complications.”
BETH Same complications before we jumped into bed earlier tonight …
DOUG I know that!
BETH Alright, well … I’m just saying. The same dynamic was working then, too … so … we could’ve talked about it before now—or even back at the party …or in the cab …or at my door …
DOUG I know! But … it’d been so long since I’d seen you … and … you were …
BETH What?
DOUG I don’t know!! You looked beautiful and I was all … I had the champagne toast at the gathering … so …
BETH … uh-huh …
DOUG … and I looked across the room … and I saw you there … that was a great dress, by the way./ I’m no “fashion guy,” but … damn …
BETH Thanks./ No kidding! I don’t think they could hardly believe it when you walked in with that t-shirt on and jeans! Ha!
DOUG I know! (Laughs.) The look on their faces was kinda classic! (Beat.) Who makes that?
BETH What, my dress?/ Umm … Narciso Rodriguez, I think./ Actually, he’s from here. The States, I think. Well, New Jersey, anyway.
DOUG Yeah./ Is she Mexican?/ Oh, it’s a dude. Cool. (Beat.) Well, he did a good job!
BETH I do like that dress.
DOUG Orange? I mean … that was … nobody looked like you did! And your hair …
BETH Thanks.
DOUG I love your hair … I mean, ever since we were kids I loved your hair …
BETH That’s sweet.
DOUG First time I saw you—I can even remember that, seventh grade—you were new and we were all sitting there, in the lunch room, and I saw you right off. The “new” kid.
BETH Ha!
DOUG What?! You were amazing-looking … and …
DOUG I know it is! But … you were … and I saw you immediately and was just like … “Who is that girl?” She’s cute and nice and …
BETH Yeah?
DOUG Totally. You were everything to me.
BETH Huh. (Beat.) You never told me that. Or at least not that way …
DOUG No, I know … but still … that’s how it was. For me. (Beat.) All this time. How I felt about you …
BETH Nice.
DOUG Thanks. (Beat.) Anyway, your hair looked great. Not back in school—I mean yes, it looked great then, too, but—at the little ceremony thingie there at the church today … I mean yesterday … you looked incredible.
BETH Thank you, Doug.
DOUG No problem. It’s the truth.
BETH And you know we like that …
DOUG Yep!
BETH So …
DOUG Yeah. So, so, so.
BETH Now what?
DOUG That’s … you tell me.
BETH Ummmm … (Yawns.) I really should get a bit more sleep.
DOUG Right, no, you should! (Beat.) Damn, I’m really sorry … see, I told you! I don’t shut up sometimes—or just go in circles.
BETH Totally okay.
DOUG No, honestly … that was stupid and, like, so self-centered on a work night! Sorry!
BETH Not at all. (Smiles.) It was nice.
DOUG Yeah?
BETH Of course. Hearing lovely stuff about my hair and all that … my dress … it’s very sweet. Thanks again.
DOUG Absolutely. (Beat.) So … yeah … you should jump back into bed for a little bit.
BETH ’Kay. (Beat.) You coming?
DOUG Ummmmm … yeah, I could … I guess …
BETH You make it sound so awful!/ God!!
DOUG No!/ Come on!!
BETH You do!!
DOUG I’m just …
BETH What?!/ It’s not some prison sentence here …!
DOUG I DON’T KNOW!/ I KNOW THAT!
BETH … guys have enjoyed the chance before …
DOUG I’m sure they have.
BETH … I’m not bragging, but …
DOUG “Guys?” like, hundreds … or … ?/ Was this an army base or something? The Yankees?
BETH Ha!/ SHUT UP!
DOUG Just round it off if you wanna …
BETH Look who’s talking!!
DOUG What?
BETH You!
DOUG I’m not … what? (Beat.) I’ve only ever fucked two Yankees in my life so you’re obviously not talking about me …
BETH is smiling but she’s also being serious. She would be willing to pursue this but finally just shrugs.
DOUG looks at her, trying to read her. Finally he says:
DOUG I’m seriously lost now … so …
BETH When you were a Senior—Junior, even! You were the one always jumping from person to person …
DOUG Yeah, but … I’m …
BETH Is that not true?
DOUG Just … like … that was just dating …
BETH So?
DOUG I wasn’t sleeping with ’em!
BETH No?
DOUG I mean … not all of ’em! (Beat.) Not all at one time, anyway …
BETH Ha! (Beat.) And even now! You were all “Pam” and “Whitney” and like that … and those’re the recent ones!
DOUG I’m not saying anything else. This is, like, totally incriminating here …
BETH You’re the one saying it, not me!
DOUG I know, but …
BETH Nobody forced you.
DOUG Uh-uh, that’s not true …
BETH Who? Who forced you to date around all the time …?
DOUG You did.
BETH What?
DOUG You made me do that.
BETH What’re you talking about …?
DOUG Me. Not being able to date you.
BETH No. (Beat.) That’s not true …
DOUG Yeah, it is. Totally.
BETH Uh-uh. (Beat.) Really?
DOUG Of course. No one else has ever mattered … right up to this very day. Because of you.
BETH I didn’t … know that.
DOUG Well, now you do.
DOUG Yep. Learn a little something new every day.
BETH I guess so.
DOUG Not everybody. I mean, some people are just stupid and that’s too bad—unable to learn, that’s their lot in life—but most folks, yeah … we at least have the capacity for it. To learn something new. (Beat.) The possibility exists. Knowledge is our friend if we’ll just give it a chance … (Beat.) I’ll shut up now.
BETH Wow. (Beat.) Yeah, that’s probably true.
DOUG Right?
BETH Uh-huh. (Yawning.) Oh, geez … sorry!
DOUG No, that’s me again! Blah-blah-blah!
BETH It’s ok.
DOUG No, you should definitely get back in there … no question. (Beat.) I’m gonna stop talking now. Promise.
DOUG stands up, pointing toward the bedroom door. BETH looks at him and nods, getting to her feet, but kind of waiting, too.
They let the moment linger. Getting closer to each other.
DOUG … we probably shouldn’t do this again …
BETH No?
DOUG I’m … I don’t think so …
BETH I’m trying not to think here. Right at this very moment …
DOUG … but …
BETH Shhhhhh.
She leans in and kisses him again. Deeply. After a long moment, he responds.
They continue for a few minutes, up against one wall of the apartment. Finally, DOUG pulls away. Looks at BETH.
BETH I know.
DOUG This is trouble. Seriously.
BETH I realize that.
DOUG Ok. So long as you do …
They are only inches apart now. Touching. Teasing. Trying to stop but bodies remaining in contact.
BETH Oh no, I totally get that part of it. I’m fully aware of the “trouble” aspect we’ve created here …
DOUG Good.
BETH And yet …
DOUG I know. (Smiling.) I know.
They kiss again. She starts to pull his shirt up and over his head.
DOUG Hey … careful with the shirt …
BETH smacks him in the stomach. Hard. He doubles over and laughs at the same time. Pulling his shirt down.
DOUG Owww! I told you!/ It’s vintage!
BETH What?/ Such an ass …!
DOUG All I asked for was that one thing—just be careful with the t-shirt!
BETH Star Wars!/ God …!
DOUG Come on!/ It’s such a good series! Can’t believe you don’t at least like Princess Leia … with the cute hair thingies!/ She is so hot …
BETH Stop … / I’m not even gonna get into this with you …
DOUG Yeah, because it’s impossible to defend the other side …
BETH Shut up!
DOUG You shut up!
DOUG You!/ SHUT UP!!
BETH YOU!!/ You shut up or I’m telling Mom!
DOUG doesn’t say anything in return—he simply looks at BETH with a strange expression on his face.
She smiles and kisses him lightly. And again. And again.
DOUG kisses her back but he’s also pulling back from her a bit.
One more kiss and then they stop. Stepping away from each other but still touching.
They both just stand there, unsure what to do next. BETH speaks first:
BETH … so. Fuck. Yeah./ Wow.
DOUG Yep. “Mom.”/ And “Dad.”
BETH Uh-huh.
DOUG … What about that? (Beat.) We probably should’ve broached this topic a little bit earlier, I guess.
BETH “Broached” what?
DOUG Everything. (Beat.) You know. You … me. (Beat.) Them. (Beat.) Mom and Dad.
BETH doesn’t say anything and doesn’t take her hands off of DOUG. She just looks deeper into his eyes.
BETH I mean … let’s be clear … my mom. Your dad.
DOUG True.
BETH That’s the real situation. Always has been.
DOUG That’s … no, you’re right.
BETH It is.
DOUG I know.
BETH kisses him lightly on the lips again. DOUG lets her.
BETH So good then./ Let’s just make sure we tell it like it really is … and was.
DOUG No, I get it./ Yeah, that’s cool … fine by me.
BETH Good.
DOUG Ummmm-hmmm …
BETH kisses him on the cheek and then moves away. Plops down onto the couch again.
DOUG remains where he is. Up against the wall.
BETH They’re the ones who got us into this mess, right? I mean … in the beginning, at least.
DOUG I guess so.
BETH Completely!
DOUG Yeah … agreed.
BETH Your dad, really. I mean Mom was—my mom, I mean—she was just doing her thing and we moved into the neighborhood and it was your dad who was still married. Who sorta made the whole thing happen—not pointing any fingers but that’s how it happened.
DOUG … that’s true …
BETH Just, you know … for the record.
BETH No, I know! (Beat.) I was thinking about you as, like, I dunno … I wanted to ask you to one of the dances at school …
BETH Really?
DOUG Yes! Something like that … like, out to a movie, or a … whatever! A “date!” And then suddenly everybody’s upset and I’m trying to figure out what’s going on … and then BAM! We’re moving in together, all of us, because my mom is so pissed off and she’s … it was nuts! I mean, that whole thing was just literally… insane. It was. That summer? Fuck.
DOUG Yeah. No, that’s true … but so, it’s not like we have, you know … the same blood thing or that sorta stuff going on …
BETH Exactly.
DOUG What’s it called? When you’re … the same mom or dad? One parent? What’s that … ?
BETH Half.
DOUG What?
BETH Half-siblings./ I’m not that to you.
DOUG Right!/ No, we don’t have the same father or a shared mom or, or whatever. Right? (Beat.) We don’t, right?
BETH That’s true.
DOUG So, it’s not … this isn’t … the same as that. (Beat.) That’s important. Right? It’s better. I mean … technically … it’s a lot better.
BETH Uh-huh.
DOUG But … still …
BETH What?
DOUG They wanted us to be that way. To always act like brother and sister.
BETH I know.
DOUG Made sure we always behaved that way … insisted on it. Forced us to. (Beat.) I had to watch over you … keep guys away from you. All that crap. “Brother” crap. I mean “step-brother” crap. Whatever …
BETH Right.
DOUG And even now, with this, years later—our situation, I mean—it’ll make people uncomfortable.
BETH I know.
DOUG It will, though … / Okay.
BETH I’m saying “I know that.”/ I do.
DOUG That’s all I was saying before then. That people would sorta … freak … if we … were to get all … like what we’ve done here …
BETH I know! Yes, obviously I’ve thought about it, too./ Of course … even in my drunken state last night … I considered all that.
DOUG Yeah?/ You did?
BETH Didn’t you?
DOUG I mean … yeah … but …
BETH Ha! Not really …
DOUG Kinda. (Beat.) And I kinda just wanted to go to bed with you … see you naked … / What?! I’m being totally honest here …
BETH Asshole!!/ Okay, well … I guess that is probably the best thing. Honesty. At this point.
DOUG Alright then … so that’s what was mostly going on in my head. That thought. You naked. (Robot voice.) Must-See-Beth- Nude. That was sorta all I was thinking at that point … last night.
BETH Yeah. Me, too. I mean you. Me seeing you that way. And you know … (Grins.) Yeah.
DOUG Right? (Laughs.) After all this time …
BETH I know! (Laughs.) We had, like, two or three million opportunities as kids … in high school or whatnot … being left alone in the same house and our parents working or, like, late night … plus us being in the same city—any day over the past however long I could’ve just called you up, any single day—and yet this is how it happens./ Right?
DOUG Pretty funny./ Yep. I mean funny is kinda relative, but … yeah.
They both consider the situation at hand. How they have ended up here tonight.
BETH Yeah. Interesting … they decide to renew their vows and then we … wow. That’s kind of crazy. (Beat.) Right?
BETH I mean, don’t you think?
DOUG Yeah … I dunno … seeing you again … after I’m not even sure how long …
BETH Probably … God, like, two years?
DOUG Something like that.
BETH It’s gotta be at least that much. Two. That was about the last time we all did a Christmas together or Thanksgiving or that type of deal … / A holiday.
DOUG Around there, yeah./ True. Out at the … ummmmm … lake house. (Gestures.) Yep.
BETH I mean … not to be all dramatic or anything, but … you probably have no idea how hard I’ve worked at all this … how many times I’ve missed things, holidays or, like, get-togethers—those idiotic bar-be-ques that Dad likes to have—so much stuff that I’ve steered clear of became I knew you were gonna be there or I thought maybe you would, just the chance that you might show up and so I found a reason to be out of town or on a plane or somewhere else. (Beat.) All of that was because of this.
DOUG Same.
BETH What?
DOUG Same for me./ Of course! I missed tons of holidays or trips to the beach with everybody because I couldn’t stand to see you. (Beat.) Obviously I wanted to … was dying to … but I stayed away. Thinking that it was wrong or sick or something, how you made me feel inside. At least some part of me did. Felt that way … (Beat.) But I also liked it, too, that it was sick and wrong, which then seemed sick … and wrong … / See? I’ve thought about this a lot. I mean, a lot a lot.
BETH Really?/ Oh./ I didn’t know that …
BETH Yep. I do now.
DOUG Yeah.
BETH And then this stupid email comes—that they wanna “renew” their vows—I almost said “No” again./ Did I tell you that?
DOUG Me too!/ No!
BETH Yeah, I was supposed to go to London for this work thing … which I love … it’s so nice over there … they always put us up in a really cute hotel and sometimes we get tickets to a musical even./ It’s fun.
DOUG Huh./ Never been.
BETH No? (Beat.) We should go sometime …
DOUG Yeah … that’d be …
They look at each other for a second, each wondering just how a thing like that would work in the future.
BETH Or not.
DOUG No, I’d love that … it’s just …
BETH What?
DOUG I dunno.
DOUG shrugs and looks away. Thinking. BETH watches him.
BETH Doug, come on … what?
DOUG It’s … I mean … as what?
BETH What does that mean?
DOUG I means “What would we go as?” (Beat.) Me and you … what are we now? After this …? (Beat.) I’m just saying: as this … here … whatever this is … or as like “bro & sis” or, or, or … what?/ I’m curious.
BETH Ummmmmmm … / A little early to label it, I’m thinking …
DOUG No, but you know what I mean! Seriously!
BETH Yeah, I do, but I’m saying let’s just … whatever! Let’s let the sun come up first before we worry about what our Facebook statuses are gonna be! (Beat.) Right?
DOUG I guess.
BETH … Doug …
DOUG It’s fine. (Beat.) No worries.
BETH Don’t be like that now.
DOUG Well … I’m confused is all./ I am.
BETH I know./ Me, too.
DOUG Not very.
BETH I am, too! Please don’t tell me what I am right now … okay? (Beat.) OKAY?
DOUG Sure. (Beat.) Sorry.
BETH No problem. But … just … don’t do that.
DOUG I said I’m sorry.
BETH My last boyfriend was like that—I’ve had a couple who were—and I’m not gonna go back there again. Alright? I’m not. I am through dealing with controlling people or assholes who wanna use me or … just, like … bullying in my life! (Beat.) Sorry, but …
DOUG Got it.
BETH Don’t mean to get all heavy right now … but it’s just a fact. (Beat.) Boyfriends and, like … Kim … or even at work.
DOUG That’s cool. Sorry if it felt like I was doing that.
BETH No, I just …
DOUG I wasn’t.
BETH Alright.
DOUG I’m only trying to, you know … get, like, a handle on this …
BETH Fine.
DOUG That’s all. (Miming.) Just wanna …
BETH Understood. (Beat.) I’m sorry, too. Didn’t mean to snap at you. That’s my stuff.
DOUG Sure.
DOUG finishes the bottle of water and crushes it. Gets up and heads into the kitchen. Looking around.
BETH You need something?
DOUG Recycle? (Beat.) I’m sure “Kim” must …
DOUG Umm-hmm … under the sink there.
DOUG nods and opens the cabinet. There are at least four bins marked with different labels. Pretty elaborate set-up for litter.
DOUG Wow.
BETH Yeah, I know. Intense, right?
DOUG Kim?
BETH You got it!
DOUG God, who is this chick?! (Reads.) Plastics I’m guessing?
BETH Yep. As long as it’s a number 1. (Points.) There are various types of plastic and so they need to be separated. Sorted. Placed in their proper bins. (Makes a face.) Kim is very concerned about everything being in its correct slot or drawer or spot …
DOUG Yeah?
BETH Oh yes. Very.
DOUG Huh.
BETH She definitely is. (Points again.) So just be careful where you put that …
DOUG Ok. Damn. Lemme look. (Turns the bottle over and flattens it out.) Yeah. We have a winner … (Indicates.) A “number 1.”
BETH Cool. Go for it.
DOUG tosses it into the appropriate bin and then closes the cabinet. He wanders back over toward BETH.
DOUG She runs a pretty tight little ship here, seems to me.
BETH God! You have no idea … she doesn’t give a shit about the environment, but she’s very into order in her own little world.
DOUG Ha! Certainly seems that way …
BETH It’s kind of a nightmare, actually.
DOUG I bet. (Beat.) You ever say anything? To her, I mean …
BETH Oh, you know … once or twice, but … she’s on the lease, so I’m basically stuck with it if I wanna stay.
DOUG Yeah, but … technically half the place is yours, so …
BETH Yeah. Technically. (Beat.) But try telling Kim that …
DOUG I get it. (Beat.) Bummer.
DOUG plops back down on the couch. BETH moves over a bit.
BETH Wish I could just pack my stuff up and not even be here when she gets back—that’s my secret little fantasy thing I’ve got going most days in my head—but you know what’s it’s like here./ Trying to find a good place, near a subway, not a walk-up, all that crap. (Beat.) Somewhere safe.
DOUG I do indeed./ ’Course. It’s hard.
BETH Yep. So …
DOUG So you make sure you recycle and re-fluff the couch cushions when you stand up and never play your music too loud … and …
BETH Ha! Have you dated Kim or something?!
DOUG Nope! Not her, but let’s just say I’ve seen the symptoms before … Kim is not entirely alone in her particular brand of … nearly … psychotic behavior.
BETH Ha! Good to know!
DOUG Yeah, I’m sure …
BETH Which one?
DOUG Excuse me?
BETH Of your girlfriends … Pam or Whitney or which one … did that to you?
DOUG Oh … you know … a couple, actually. I’ve had one or two close-calls with that type of girl …
BETH Ha! Are you a slob? I don’t remember you as a slob back home …
DOUG No! (Beat.) I mean …
He shrugs and says nothing—BETH waits. He continues:
DOUG I’m just … whatever … normal … like a normal person who occasionally leaves a vintage t-shirt thrown over a chair and that sorta thing … / Good!
BETH … completely acceptable in my book … / Even with an Ewok on it …
DOUG Thank you! Yes! And two points for the “Ewok” reference! But seriously, it’s what people do. When you’re living your life and not sleeping in a museum or, or, or … some palace …
BETH Exactly!
DOUG I mean … seriously! That stuff can get a little bit ridiculous! (Beat.) Right?
BETH I totally agree. (Beat.) Mom was the same way … remember?
DOUG Oh course I do! (Beat.) But your mom, you mean, not mine … because mine was …
BETH No, yeah. My mom. (Beat.) Of course.
DOUG Yes. She was a little … intense … about it. About most things.
BETH That’s her!
DOUG Yep. Like the hanging shoe racks, back of our closet doors … that was a little bit overpowering at the age of sixteen …
BETH Ha! Yeah, those were … that was not your finest hour. Chore time.
DOUG Oh God … I mean … who at that age cleans baseboards with any success? Seriously?!
BETH Pine-sol! Mom’s drink of choice …
DOUG No kidding! Lemon Pledge was her dirty little secret …
They laugh together at this. Memories of their shared past.
DOUG touches BETH’s face. Feels a strand of her hair. Smells it.
After a moment, DOUG leans over and kisses BETH again. Softly. Tenderly.
BETH That’s sweet. Thank you.
DOUG Listen … I don’t wanna talk about them./ Not right now.
BETH Ok./ That’s …
DOUG I mean, I don’t mind … we can, but …
BETH No, it’s fine.
DOUG … I’m … just …
BETH What?
DOUG I like you. (Beat.) There. Said it. Again.
BETH Thanks. I like you, too …
DOUG No, but I mean … seriously, though. I’m saying I really like you, Beth./ A lot.
BETH I get it./ I know.
DOUG You do?
BETH Yeah. (Beat.) I mean, I can tell … now.
DOUG Okay. Just wanted to make that clear.
DOUG waits and BETH looks over at him. She finally says:
BETH And I said the same. In return.
DOUG Yeah?
BETH You heard me, right?
DOUG I did.
DOUG But …
BETH I dunno. Nothing. (Beat.) We’ll just see, I guess./ Right?
DOUG Oh./ Ok.
BETH I mean …
BETH shrugs and doesn’t know what else to say. DOUG nods his head and touches her. Smiles weakly.
DOUG No, that makes sense. It does.
BETH You sure?
DOUG Sure. Whatever.
BETH No. Don’t do that. (Beat.) Don’t shut down, ok? (Reaches up and grabs his chin.) Talk to me.
DOUG I dunno what to say! I’m looking at you and … you know … I wanna dive back into bed with you, I do … that’s what I want.
BETH … okay …
DOUG But I also … some part of me says that’s an idiotic thing to be doing, even once more, and then I start playing the whole “what if?” game in my head … and … and I can get pretty far, you know? I can take this pretty damn far if I let myself …
BETH What’s that … “what if?”
DOUG Oh, come on!/ Beth …
BETH No, what?/ What?
DOUG “What if?” (Beat.) The hell do you think It sounds like …? (Beat.) WHAT-IF?
BETH You mean … like …?
DOUG Yes! (Beat.) “What if” we decided to give this a try? You and me?
BETH As like … ?/ Oh. (Beat.) You mean like … as a couple? That’s what you’re saying? “Us” as some permanent couple?
BETH I see.
DOUG Yeah. (Beat.) As that. (Beat.) You’ve never thought that?/ At all?
BETH I mean, no, that’s … / That is a much bigger deal than … whatever we’ve done here. Than what we’ve been talking about. Right? (Beat.) I mean … it is …
DOUG nods now, fully aware of what he’s suggesting here.
DOUG I know that.
BETH … because … I’m …
DOUG Beth, I know. Ok? I do. I get it. (Beat.) And yet you were all, like, “Hey, let’s go to London …”
BETH Yeah, but I wasn’t saying as a “two-some”—and this isn’t against you or an excuse or anything—but I don’t know if I’m ready for that now./ Not right now. “Romance.”
DOUG Oh./ Okay. Alright. (Beat.) I see.
BETH And I mean with anybody. (Beat.) I just … my last thing ended not so long ago, and it was bad—I mean, not “bad” bad but not great … not even close to being good—so I’m kinda … like … whatever … right now. (Beat.) Maybe not ready for too much.
DOUG No, I get it …
BETH And I thought you were still seeing somebody …?
DOUG No … I mean … I am, but …
BETH You are?
DOUG Kind of.
BETH But not seriously?
DOUG No. (Beat.) Not exclusively.
BETH Ahh. (Beat.) I hate that, just so you know. Just so it’s out there …
BETH “Not exclusively.” That’s a bullshit phrase.
DOUG O-kay.
BETH I mean it is, though, right? It is.
DOUG I didn’t say it because I thought that, but … you know …
BETH No, I just mean … really? “Not exclusively?” That’s like what a senator says to someone, or, like, how lawyers talk. It’s legalese./ It doesn’t mean anything. It’s cowardly./ Please don’t say that around me again … if you don’t mind. “Not exclusively.”
DOUG Oh./ Wow./ Shit. Alright …
BETH That’s just how I feel about it.
DOUG Yeah, well, luckily it doesn’t seem to bother you too much …
BETH (Laughing.) Ha! No … good thing I have no opinion on the subject!
DOUG … somebody use that one on you recently?
BETH Pretty much. (Beat.) Pretty much every man I’ve ever known … since birth.
DOUG Got it./ Fair enough.
BETH Alright?/ Thanks.
DOUG Anyway … I just meant that we’re not like a steady thing anymore. (Beat.) Which she asked for … just to be clear. “Non exclusive” was her idea./ Hers.
BETH Okay./ Fine.
DOUG So that’s all. (Beat.) She texted it to me, actually, so …
BETH Ok. I get it./ I understand it now.
DOUG Good./ Alright.
BETH And I’m not seeing anybody right now … either. Taking a break from all that. Like I said./ For now.
DOUG Sure./ ’Kay.
BETH And that’s why … I just can’t really give you a response to what you said earlier.
DOUG I understand.
BETH Good. Thanks.
DOUG Yep.
BETH Thank you.
DOUG … I didn’t wanna see London that bad, anyway … if I want fish & chips I can always go over to Long John Silver’s, I guess. (Beat.) Fuck England.
He smiles at her and BETH smiles back at him. Slugs him a good one in the arm. He takes it and laughs.
BETH You’re so stupid …
DOUG Yep.
BETH Anyway … I just … (Beat.) Nothing. Don’t worry about it.
DOUG No, what?
BETH It’s no big deal.
DOUG So tell me then.
BETH Forget it.
DOUG Come on. (Waits.) Please.
BETH Look … I’m …
DOUG What?
BETH I just … what if I did want to? I mean, now that you’ve brought it up … (Beat.) What then? (Beat.) Mmmm?
DOUG “Want to” what?
BETH You know.
DOUG You mean … ?
DOUG gestures, moving his hand from himself toward her. BETH nods and speaks again:
BETH Yes. (Beat.) This. (Beat.) How would we even do that … I mean, tell people or deal with everything? ’Cause there’d be a bunch of everything …
DOUG I dunno. We just would.
BETH Ok, but how? Realistically?
DOUG … you know … just by … / I dunno.
BETH Exactly./ You-don’t-know. (Beat.) If I did this I wouldn’t be looking to do it for a “week,” okay? Until Christmas … (Beat.) I want something real in my life for once. I want a partner and a home and love … like real, actual love. (Beat.) I deserve that. I deserve to be loved./ I do.
DOUG I know!/ Me too! Look, it’d take a while, I get that! Family and stuff … friends … everybody’d have something to say about it, I know that.
BETH That’s right. Every-body. Like, each and every person we know … / They would.
DOUG … no, you’re right … / I know.
BETH Everyone.
DOUG Okay, I get it! (Beat.) “All-people-every-where.” Even “Kim.”
They both smile at this and laugh out loud. BETH tries to imagine what Kim would think of their new arrangement.
BETH Ha! (Laughs.) Kim definitely would … I don’t even wanna think what Kim would have to say about it!
DOUG Yeah, but, I mean … who cares?
BETH Ummmmmmm …
DOUG No, but literally … who?
BETH I do! We both do … come on …
DOUG I know, but really—in the end—this is about us, not anybody else. Right? (Beat.) Isn’t it?
BETH Seriously, though … Doug … what would Dad say? (Beat.) You know what he’d say …
DOUG He’d say a lot of stuff … a bunch of bullshit like always and pontificate about it and wave his hands … and, and … you know exactly what he’d say!
BETH … that’s right …
DOUG Because my dad is like that! A talker … but let’s be honest here. Is this worse than what he did? Did several times, in fact? (Beat.) No … I’ll answer that for you … no, it’s not. (Beat.) Dad cheated on my mom, he did that—and not in some other city or, like, a different country, but right here. Where we lived. He did that and then, without blinking, he just slaps this new family together right in the same town and so we’re all just supposed to deal with it … and ok, fine, but who says that we wouldn’t’ve started dating if that hadn’t happened …
Seems like BETH is about to say something but she stops herself and DOUG marches on.
DOUG I told you I liked you! I told you that already … right as I first saw you—the moment I laid eyes on you. So who knows? Right? (Beat.) Who-knows.
BETH I know, but …
DOUG I’m just saying! That was his fault …
BETH You know that Mom and Dad are gonna …
DOUG We only got together tonight because Dad cheated on Mom—your mom this time, not mine—you know that right? (Beat.) Right?
BETH I mean … I knew it was something like that … but …
DOUG Well, that’s exactly what it was! He is a cheater and so that’s what he does. So he does that, they have a huge fight over it and, in the end, they decide to have this thingie tonight—last night—renew their vows rather than get a divorce … that’s the kind of logic that desperate, middle-aged people have! (Beat.) That’s a fact, Beth. (Beat.) And that little fact is why we are here, together, right now … it’s because people do stupid shit like that, which makes no sense whatsoever. Zero. None.
BETH … oh.
DOUG So where is that fine—so normal and, I mean, natural in society today—that we all go eat cake and clap and raise some bubbly in their honor? Huh? (Beat.) Why can that happen but the fact that the two of us might get together—as adults and fully aware of the circumstances—who gets to say that what we’re doing is so wrong or whatever? (Beat.) It just isn’t … and that’s all I mean by that. By saying “who cares what they think.” (Beat.) Anyway, fine. I’m done. The-End.
BETH Okay, but … (Beat.) Okay.
DOUG … which means …?
BETH Just “okay.” You make a good point …
DOUG But?
BETH Nothing! (Beat.) I don’t know what I’m thinking about all of it and that’s the truth … (Beat.) Honestly. It excites me and, and it makes me nervous … there is a lot to consider here … and the whole thing is very flattering, it is … I’m flattered … but …
DOUG But it’s probably “no,” right?/ Right?
BETH What is?/ What?
DOUG Us. (Beat.) What I’m hearing in your voice is “No” so just say it …
BETH … Doug … come on …
DOUG No, just so I’m prepared … (Beat.) Even with what happened tonight … it’s very likely to be a “No.” Right? (Beat.) Just-say-it.
BETH Tonight was really amazing … you know that and you know that I know it, too …
DOUG I know, I know. But …
BETH What?
DOUG I am saying that in all likelihood we are not gonna give it a shot … the two of us being a couple or whatever. Am I right? (Beat.) I am, I’m right, so just say it. (Beat.) You’re gonna let me walk out of here and we’re gonna dream about this, all the time, but in reality we’ll stay away from each other, a few more years will pass until the next time that we allow ourselves to be around each other and then … whatever … it’ll be too late. You’ll be married, or I will … one of us will have a kid … and that’ll be that … right? That’s how people do it … that’s the way we get by. (Beat.) Play it safe or wait a turn or, or … whatever. Or worse. We run away. We give up. (Beat.) You know it’s true. That’s what we’re about to do. We’re gonna miss this chance and fuck it up … we are … I can see it happening.
BETH … maybe so./ For right now.
DOUG No, we will. We will./ Shit. Be honest.
BETH Ok, yeah!/ Yes!/ Maybe for always.
DOUG Alright./ Okay./ Good. Get it. I got it. (Beat.) Jesus, put the nail in the coffin. (Beat.) I-get-it.
BETH But … that doesn’t mean … you know …
DOUG What?
BETH That I don’t care. About you.
DOUG Sure.
BETH Because I do …
DOUG Great.
BETH Okay. (Beat.) And we can even be … you know … “friends,” maybe. Too.
DOUG Ok. (Beat.) Fine. “Friends.” (Beat.) Cool.
BETH Please don’t do that. Talk to me in that tone and not look at me. (Beat.) Please.
DOUG No, I do, I get it. You care. Good.
BETH I just think that … because of this … and, you know … where the family’s at right now …
DOUG You don’t have to say any more. Honestly. (Beat.) You’re being so clear right now … Loud and clear. Totally loud and clear. (Beat.) Just for the record, though … I didn’t wanna just “get by.” I wanted to change things. My life. Your life. Us.
DOUG stands and starts for the bedroom. BETH calls out:
BETH Is that it?
DOUG Hmmmm?
BETH Are we done talking now?/ Yeah?
DOUG I guess … / Suppose so.
BETH And you’re what … are you going?
DOUG I think I should.
BETH Yeah?
DOUG Probably. You could still get a little more rest and I can …
BETH What?
DOUG I dunno. I can go. Maybe watch Star Wars.
BETH Is that what you want?
DOUG Ahhhhhh … under the circumstances … yeah. I guess.
BETH Because why? Because I said we shouldn’t get engaged right now?/ Really?
DOUG Something like that … / I just explained how I felt and I think it’s best if I … whatever … get outta here now …
BETH So you just wanted to … what? Do this? What we’ve done?/ Is that it?
BETH Seems like it.
DOUG No, that’s not … you know that’s not the case! Don’t flip this around!!
BETH Ummmmmmm …
DOUG You already know that. (Beat.) Beth.
BETH Well, I’m the one who said we could go back into the bedroom if you wanted …
DOUG Yeah, but … for what?
BETH “For what?”
DOUG I mean, come on … to “fuck” again? Sorry, but, is that all? You can have sex any time you want, so …
BETH …
DOUG You know you can … or almost any time, I’m sure … me too …
BETH Really?
DOUG Whatever. A lot of the time. Yes. Often.
BETH Fine.
DOUG So, what, I’m that amazing … you wanna do it one more time … but not even consider the chance of anything else?/ Is that it?
BETH No./ I said “No.”
DOUG So “why” then? Why should we do that? (Beat.) You’re my “sister,” after all …
BETH That’s not nice.
DOUG Yeah, well, “nice” isn’t really on the menu right now … so …
BETH I see.
DOUG Sorry.
BETH nods and turns away from DOUG. She tears up a little but doesn’t want him to see. He realizes what’s going on.
DOUG Not that I wanna be mean to you … I never wanted that, even when we were teenagers, and you know that. I never did any of the older brother shit to you … not ever.
BETH True./ No, that’s true.
DOUG Alright then./ Okay.
BETH And why was that?
DOUG Because …
BETH ’Cause why?
DOUG You know why! (Beat.) Same reason I’m here now and why I just asked you to give this a try. That’s why … (Beat.) Just jumping back into bed right now doesn’t make all that much sense to me … as much as I’d like that …
BETH …
DOUG I should get back to my place. (Beat.) I mean, since you aren’t saying anything … (Waits.) Okay then. (Beat.) God, whatever.
DOUG starts off again toward the bedroom but BETH stops him one more time.
BETH You know … you don’t have to take “No” for an answer …
DOUG What’s that mean?
BETH It means you could fight for it. If you want me so badly … like you say …
DOUG Beth … this isn’t a game here … okay?
BETH I know that.
DOUG I’m not a game player … I’m not one of those guys … / “Mr. Game Guy.”
BETH Nobody said that./ I’m not saying that to you. That it’s a game.
DOUG So then what?
BETH So then I’m scared, alright?! I’m scared of what all this would mean—not just because of our friends or, or families even or any of that shit—I’m saying I am frightened of how I feel right now. About this.
DOUG Oh. (Beat.) Okay.
BETH I don’t want you to go and I don’t want you to stay and I don’t think we can make it together, not in a relationship, and that’s because of me probably more than it is you, but the result’s the same … but what I really want is for you to tell me that I’m wrong … (Beat.) Tell me you don’t care what I think or what I say and that we can make a go of this … that we can do it if we try and that you’re gonna spend the rest of your life making this all work out. Proving to me that we have a chance, because that’s what I need … something stupid like that. I need that, if you really wanna know. I just need a chance for once. One good chance at this.
DOUG That doesn’t sound so stupid to me. I can do that …
BETH But that’s not what you did. I said “No” and you headed for the bedroom to put on your pants and just … go …
DOUG … that’s true … / But I was …
BETH And that’s what every guy I’ve ever been with has done!/ The same fucking thing!
DOUG … no, I wasn’t gonna … / But … / That’s just … come on! I was only …
BETH Yes you were!/ What?!/ Don’t tell me that! Don’t tell me what I know isn’t true … don’t do that!!
DOUG But … I’d never leave you … not if we were actually together!
BETH What?
DOUG You’re so … from the first second I saw you, I mean, literally … the very first, years ago … I’d never seen someone so … beautiful … so … whatever. You know what I mean. What you are./ Come on …
DOUG Really? “Big deal?”
BETH Yeah … fuck yeah. “Big fucking deal.” My face. My body. So what? People walk out on pretty people all the time … (Beat.) You know how much shit I’ve taken in my life for this …? (Indicates her body.) For something I had nothing to do with? (Beat.) Do you?
DOUG Yeah … I mean … I mean, “no” … but …
BETH You know what I’m saying! Come on! We’ve even talked about it, back when we were younger and stuff … / I’ve told you …
DOUG Not really./ About how good-looking you are?
BETH NO! GOD!! About the shit that comes with it … all the shit I carry around. (Beat.) People who wanna look at you … or worse. Touch you. Just because. Because you’re “the most beautiful person I have ever seen.” SO WHAT ? I mean … SO WHAT? That means nothing. NOTHING. (Beat.) People see this face and they think it’s a prize. It’s something to win. To get. I’m not a real person to them … I’m something to check off their fucking list … (Beat.) How’s that sound for a way to spend your life? (Beat.) Hmmmm? (Beat.) Doug? (Beat.) Sound like fun?
DOUG Geez. I mean … yeah. I mean no. (Beat.) I mean … that sucks. (Beat.) Seriously.
BETH Fine. (Beat.) Good. (Beat.) Anyway, that’s what I need now. Not somebody who thinks I’m “hot.” Who wants to see my tits. I’ve done that … sorry. I can’t do that again. I need someone who wants me. ME. (Beat.) I need somebody to put up a fuss. For me. I need that, Doug. Really soon. Right now. Or I’m not gonna make it …
DOUG Okay. You want a fuss, I’ll make one … (Does a little dance.) See? I’m fussing! (Does a little more.) Look! This is fuss!
BETH I’m serious!! I just … maybe it sounds childish or silly to you but I’m at the end of my rope here … literally … I’m not even out of my 20s yet and I’m ready to give up on this. I really really am. (Beat.) I’m sorry … it’s just late … And I’m probably … yeah./ Sorry.
DOUG No./ No, I know what you mean. Me too.
BETH Yeah?
DOUG Yes! Years ago. (Beat.) Absolutely.
BETH But you haven’t./ Not yet.
DOUG No./ You either.
BETH I know. I know I haven’t … but I want to. I’ve wanted to do it for so long … just give up. Stop trying. Quit feeling all this … bad shit …
DOUG I’ve felt the same way.
BETH I mean … we’re all just flopping around out here … like chickens with their heads cut off …
DOUG Or, like, rabbits … running around like rabbits or something. (Beat.) Not running, I guess, but, you know … “hopping.”
BETH Exactly! That’s exactly right … and for what? What do I keep trying for? Putting myself out there for guy after guy after guy and for what … for some … casual …?
DOUG For nothing! For no good reason.
BETH Not that I’m against sex, I’m not.
DOUG Me either.
BETH And I’ve been crazy about people …
DOUG Me too. (Beat.) Wait, you have? Who?
BETH Stop!
DOUG stops and they stand in silence for a moment. DOUG smiles at her. She nods. Returns it with a faint little grin.
DOUG I’m kidding! (Smiles.) But just out of curiosity … who? No one from when we were kids, right?
BETH You know what I mean!
DOUG nods a “Yes” but doesn’t say any more—BETH looks at him and then says:
BETH It’s just never been the right person, or at the right time or something. It hasn’t been great for me or what it should be or not just about sex—what I’ve wanted it to be. Dreamed that this could be. (Beat.) I’m not an unhappy person, but, you know, fuck … life can really … just … take it out of you …
DOUG I agree. (Beat.) But just so you know: me either. (Beat.) I mean that. Honestly.
BETH What?
DOUG Never once. It’s never been right. Or at least “right enough …” (Beat.) It doesn’t mean it can’t be, though.
BETH I guess.
DOUG I mean … I’m as cynical as the next guy or whatnot—that’s maybe not true, maybe not like some of those idiots out there on Twitter or whatever—but I still believe it can happen.
BETH What can?
DOUG You know.
DOUG shrugs his shoulders. Gestures. BETH takes this in.
BETH Ahhhh. That.
DOUG Yeah. That thing. The “L” word./ No!! Not that one. Come on. I mean “love.”/ Love.
BETH “Lesbian.”/ Oh./ That word.
DOUG Yes. (Beat.) Just ’cause my dad turned it into a parlor game doesn’t mean we have to believe that’s how it works …
BETH I know, but it’s … so … corny … right? To talk like that … about love or “The One.” I mean … isn’t it? It’s … so … stupid … (Beat.) It feels stupid every time I say it …
DOUG Maybe so … maybe it is, but who cares?! I know it probably is but seriously … who the hell cares if people would laugh at us or think we’re morons for trying to make a go of this? I don’t … I’m not laughing one little bit … (Beat.) People are just way too interested in the lives of the folks around them; I mean, their love lives or whatever. Everybody wants to judge their friends and, like, their co-workers and all that, and decide if they should be together or not … with their partners, I mean. “he’s too old” or “she’s too …” whatever she is. Black. Short. Jewish. Doesn’t matter. Everyone’s got to have an opinion about this stuff and I just feel like, I dunno, it drives me a little crazy, that’s all. It does. (Beat.) So what? Who really gives a shit who you go out with—a person 20 years older or, or a foot shorter or if you’re gay. So then good! Fine! Go for it! (Beat.) It sounds so dumb … basic… but look at us, worrying about this … with so much else going on in the world! Like actual real problems! (Beat.) Listen, all I’m saying is this: screw them, this is our thing, it’s our business and it’s all possible. It is. If you’ll just let it be. (Beat.) I could love you, Beth./ YES! So easily.
BETH Yeah?/ Huh.
DOUG Like … the most easy thing ever. Of all time.
BETH Wow.
DOUG Like “without training wheels” easy.
BETH Ha!
DOUG I mean this. (Gets on one knee.) See?
BETH I can tell you do.
DOUG So do it then! You asked me to fight for you and so I’m still here … kneeling here and begging you to go for it … tonight. Do it.
BETH Do what?
DOUG Make a go of it with me! Don’t mull this over or think about it or, or, like, make a list of pros and cons … just do it. Let the good folks at Nike be your guide and just … yeah. That’s all I know to say … if you’re happy with all that other crap, trying again and again with people that you’re “supposed” to be with, then keep on doing that … but if you’re ready for what’s gonna be the best thing that you ever had in your life—that would be me, by the way, in case you had any trouble keeping up with my serpentine thoughts—which I warned you about—then you need to do this right now. Life is passing us by and I don’t wanna lose another minute with you. Seriously. Not one more second. (Beat.) I promise to love you. For always. And not just your face or, like, your body … I’ll love you, Beth. I will.
BETH … and Mom and Dad … ?
DOUG They accept us or they don’t.
BETH Our friends?
DOUG If they’re really our friends then they jump on board … the rest we get rid of.
BETH And … ?
DOUG What?
BETH I dunno! (Beat.) Kim?
DOUG You know what? (Beat.) Fuck Kim.
BETH laughs out loud at this and grabs DOUG with both of her hands. Kissing him on the mouth.
BETH Honestly though …
DOUG just get some stuff together. I’ll take care of Kim.
BETH I mean … what? (Beat.) Now?
DOUG Right now. This instant.
BETH Doug …
DOUG Beth.
BETH I’m …
BETH wavers for another moment. Unsure. DOUG pulls her to him, kissing her again and again.
DOUG This is me fighting for you, by the way. It doesn’t get any better than this, just so you understand what’s happening here./ Yep. Pretty much.
BETH Ha! This is it, huh?/ Good as it gets?
DOUG Basically.
BETH Okay then. (Beat.) I can live with that.
DOUG Yeah … you’ll find that most of my magic tapers off fairly quickly after this …
BETH Good to know.
DOUG Just wanted you to have all the facts up front …
BETH Fair enough.
DOUG Did I mention I’m crazy about you?
BETH You didn’t, actually … you said you liked me.
DOUG Well, I did … just now. I said it, and I am. “Crazy-about-you.” (Beat.) Oh, and just to be totally clear … about stuff you said earlier … I will still be able to see your tits from time to time. Won’t I?
BETH … yes. (Smiles.) On occasion.
DOUG Cool.
BETH laughs out loud, unable to contain herself. DOUG smiles and laughs as well.
BETH Oh shit … this is actually happening!
DOUG If you’d get up off your ass, it is … (Beat.) Come on, let’s go … before Kim gets back here and shits all over this!
BETH … but, I mean …
DOUG You might even get another hour or two of sleep if you hurry up.
BETH Ha! I doubt it!
DOUG Yeah, me too, but I was just trying to be optimistic. (Beat.) We still gotta go all the way to my place and then … who knows?
BETH I do. I know exactly what would happen … if we go do that. Right now.
DOUG So, good! Me, too! Go grab some stuff!
They look deeply into each other’s eyes. A quiet moment.
BETH (Serious now.) Doug … I’m really gonna go now … actually go into my room and pack my bags.
DOUG Good. Go for it.
BETH But, I mean, I really really am …
DOUG I dare you to.
BETH So … Doug, seriously … if you wanna stop me or anything … get outta this … do it right now. Immediately. (Beat.) Please do not break my heart here …
DOUG Go.
BETH (Stepping away.) I’m going … I’m literally walking away …
DOUG So do it then.
BETH But …
DOUG Beth. (Beat.) Now.
BETH Ok. Ok, I’m gonna do it. I am. I am going to pack my stuff.
DOUG Not everything.
BETH No?
DOUG No! This is not “moving day.”
BETH Just enough for … what?
DOUG Tonight. Tomorrow. This week./ It doesn’t matter …
BETH Alright./ Okay.
DOUG Enough to run off with me and to make it real. That’s all you need … nothing more. Just enough so it’s romantic.
BETH Got it.
DOUG So go already!
BETH Going …
BETH runs back and throws her arms around him one more time, then goes quickly to her room.
DOUG stands there for a beat, taking this all in. Smiles.
He now moves into the kitchen. In an instant BETH is back outside her door, holding DOUG’s jeans and shoes in her hands.
BETH Are you totally sure?/ No, but totally …
DOUG BETH!/ About what?
BETH Us. The future. Everything.
DOUG Yes.
BETH You’re “sure” sure?
DOUG Yeah … for maybe the first time in my life … yes. I am.
BETH Good. Me, too. (Beat.) “Ish.”
They smile at each other, then BETH moves over to a big stereo system on a shelf. Record player and speakers.
She puts on some popular music—The Beatles or something good—and then drops DOUG’s clothes on the couch. Heading off to her room.
DOUG appreciates the tunes for a moment. Listening.
DOUG turns back to the kitchen drawers. Starts rummaging around until he finds what he wants.
He returns to the living area with something in one hand. He pulls out a piece and now it’s clear what he has: one large roll of masking tape.
DOUG starts tearing off strips and putting them in place to spell out the word “Kim” on various objects. Her lamp and her coffee table and her couch, too.
BETH re-enters the room dressed for travel—she stops dead, looking around at DOUG’s handiwork.
She turns to him with a heartbreakingly beautiful smile. She goes to DOUG. Throws her arms around him. They kiss.
BETH That’s the nicest present anybody ever gave me …
DOUG It’s just masking tape, so it’s not gonna last.
BETH No … you need “duct” tape, right?
DOUG You remembered!
BETH Yep!
DOUG Good girl! (Beat.) But yeah … all she had in the drawer was this, so I did my best. (Smiles.) I think she’ll get the point …
BETH I bet she will …
DOUG goes to her and hands her the roll of tape. He nods toward the walls. Smiles.
DOUG Wait. We’re not done yet …
BETH looks at him. Grinning. She suddenly runs and jumps on the couch and begins to plaster the wall with tape. It spells out the word “Kim.” DOUG works on some other area.
After a bit they finish. Laughing. Exhausted. Kissing.
BETH Fuck. You know what? You’re awesome …
DOUG Thanks. You too. (Beat.) Okay, let’s get outta here …
BETH ’Kay. (Beat.) I should turn off the stereo.
DOUG Nah. Leave it.
BETH What?
DOUG Leave it on and turn it up. Put in on “repeat.”
BETH Ha! (Thinking about it.) Yeah, I should. I really should … she can’t stand The Beatles./ I’m not kidding …
DOUG WHAT?!/ Ahhh! I hate this “Kim” person! I seriously do!!/(To BETH.) So do it then. Let it play.
BETH Ha!/ Okay. I will. Done. (Beat.) And thank you.
During this exchange, BETH goes over to the stereo and puts on a different Beatles song. Something abrasive, off The White Album or one of those. Revolver, maybe.
She stands back and listens. DOUG, too. This is beautiful noise.
DOUG My pleasure. (Beat.) Don’t get your hopes up for Christmases and birthdays, by the way … I’m not usually this clever …
BETH You know what? I’ll take what I can get./ Yep.
DOUG Yeah?/ Sure?
BETH Absolutely.
DOUG Fair enough.
BETH Good. I think we may just have a chance, then. You and me.
DOUG … and that’s all anybody ever needs …
BETH ’Kay. (Beat.) Just don’t expect any … you know … naked handstands or anything …
DOUG Ha! Never even entered my mind. (Smiles.) “Ish.”
DOUG kisses BETH again. He stops and bends over, picking up her bags. He pretends to roll up the magazine with the American Apparel ad on it and tuck it into her things.
BETH laughs and smacks him on the shoulder. He grins and holds out the paper for her. BETH rips the ad off of the magazine, crumples it up, tosses it into the living area.
Together they take the rest of the paper and throw the pages into the air. They flutter slowly to the floor.
DOUG Here, Kim. Recycle this. (To BETH.) You ready?
BETH Yep.
DOUG Yeah?/ You sure?
BETH Yes./ Uh-huh.
DOUG Are you “sure” sure?
BETH I am. (Beat.) I really really am.
DOUG Then come on … let’s go home …
DOUG grabs her bags while BETH leads the way toward the front door. She holds it open for him and he moves into the hallway. Exits.
The music is still blaring.
BETH looks around one last time. Spots her vase. She goes to it and scoops it up. Takes it and places it firmly in her bag.
She takes a deep breath, smiles, and then steps out. Closing the door behind her.
And the band plays on.
The end.