No one said, Why did you miss class?
I went to English then history
and then it was time to go home.
I looked around outside for Caitlan
but she was gone. I wondered what she did after school.
I had
nowhere
to go but home.
So I went home.
When I went in the door there was my mom
lying on the living room floor face up eyes closed
arms at her side.
Mom! I screamed.
She didn’t move but she spoke:
What?
She didn’t open her eyes.
Are you okay? Yes.
She sounded annoyed.
What are you doing? I’m meditating.
Just shut up so I can
meditate.
She was mad.
So I didn’t say another word.
Went into the kitchen
for peanut butter
and celery.
Peanut butter is smooth on the tongue and celery,
well, you gotta love celery: the way it crunches.
So after a few minutes
my mom
comes into the kitchen and lights a cigarette.
First one of the day, she says.
I promised myself I wouldn’t
smoke
until I meditated
for twenty minutes.
My mom could take the longest drag
on a cigarette,
like half the cigarette
and then hold
the smoke
in her lungs.
I chose not to say a word
about secondhand smoke
or any
of that shit
that would make her mad.
Instead, I said I was sorry
for messing up her meditation on the living room floor.
It’s hard, you know.
Everything is hard
for a single mother
who’s given up all
her addictions
except smokes
and alcohol.
I know, Mom, I said.
It can’t be easy.