…just about everybody makes mistakes…damn near made one oncet myself…
Monroe D. Underwood
Kellis J. Ammson of the Ammson Private Detective Agency stared at me with bulging gray eyes.
They were incredulous eyes underlined by dark half-moons.
They were the eyes of a man who has just spent a night in a haunted house.
Kellis J. Ammson said oh dear great flaming sweet and merciful eternal flaming Lord Savior Jesus flaming Christ Al-flaming-mighty.
I didn’t say anything.
I don’t know much about that kind of stuff.
If there were any doubts that Kellis J. Ammson was very unhappy he dispelled them then and there.
Kellis J. Ammson said I am very flaming unhappy.
I shrugged.
I said well.
Kellis J. Ammson held a shaking silver lighter to an imported aromatic bamboo-tipped cigarette.
He said Chance there are a couple flaming things you ought to know.
I shrugged.
I said shoot.
Kellis J. Ammson laughed.
Bitterly.
He said I’ve considered that.
I held a paper match to a badly bent Camel.
I watched a sparrow come roaring in to a full-flaps landing on the window ledge.
I studied the baby-blue nylon carpeting.
I waited.
Kellis J. Ammson surged forward in his four-hundred-dollar black genuine-leather swivel chair.
He looked like an enormous beetle out of a Japanese science-fiction movie.
He slammed his big hands flat on the top of his sixteen-hundred-dollar hand-carved Philippine mahogany desk.
The three-carat diamond on his left hand sparkled coldly.
So did the two-carat diamond on his right hand.
Kellis J. Ammson had a very big thing for diamonds.
He spoke softly.
With a great throbbing intensity.
He said Chance when you are working on a flaming divorce case the very first flaming thing you should never do is grab the flaming house detective and go busting into a flaming hotel room and take pictures of Mr. Kenneth Williams making love to his flaming wife.
He said you see Chance what you are supposed to do is take pictures of Mr. Kenneth Williams making love to somebody else’s flaming wife.
He said oh flaming Heavenly Father.
Fervently.
I shrugged.
I am very good at shrugging.
I can just shrug up a storm.
I said look Mr. Ammson.
I said Williams met this chick in the hotel lounge.
I said he got her looped.
I said he took her upstairs.
I said it looked just like the old routine.
I said how was I to know she was Mrs. Williams?
I said my God I didn’t know Mrs. Williams from a side of beef.
Kellis J. Ammson rolled his tortured gray eyes upward.
He frightened me when he did that.
I always expected him to speak in tongues.
He said if you had taken the flaming time to call in yesterday afternoon you would have learned that Mrs. Williams pulled us off the flaming case yesterday flaming morning.
He said they were about to be flaming reconciled.
I said boy you ain’t kidding.
I said how flaming reconciled can you get?
I said you should have seen it.
I said that house dick nearly blew his flaming mind.
Kellis J. Ammson threw up his hands.
He shuddered.
He said I wonder how flaming much they’ll sue for.
I shrugged.
It was one of my very best shrugs.
I really got my shoulders into it.
I said well gee whiz what’s all the excitement about?
I said I forgot to load the goddam camera anyway.
Kellis J. Ammson pursed his lips.
Judiciously.
He nodded.
Sagaciously.
He said I see.
Understandingly.
I said hey that Mrs. Williams sure looks like a swinger.
Kellis J. Ammson sighed.
Martyredly.
He said you know Chance I’ve been itching to get back into flaming harness.
He said this flaming desk is no place for a flaming old war-horse like me.
He said I like to be out where it’s all happening.
He said I’m going to team up with Gino Scarletti and hit the flaming bricks again.
I said I don’t know Gino Scarletti.
Kellis J. Ammson said Gino is a flaming good man.
He said very flaming tough.
He crushed his cigarette into a white ceramic ashtray not much bigger than a turkey platter.
He drummed the desk top with impatient fingertips.
He said mmmmmmmmm.
Melodiously.
He said I think there was some other flaming thing.
He shuffled through some papers.
He said oh yes.
He handed me a check.
He said you’re fired.
The sparrow on the window ledge took off into a strong crosswind.