…oncet upon a time there was a woman what took no for a answer…they stuffed her and put her in a museum…
Monroe D. Underwood
At the Shakespeare police station a grizzled old desk sergeant was gargling a salami sandwich and working on a crossword puzzle.
Kellis J. Ammson was cupping a hand to his swollen jaw.
He was pointing a shaking finger in my direction.
He said I want this man electrocuted and deported to flaming Transylvania.
I shrugged.
I said how was I to know he was working for you?
The station door flew open.
Candi Yakozi swept into the room.
She embraced me.
Passionately.
She kissed me.
Lingeringly.
She looked into my eyes.
Worshipfully.
She said you are my hero.
She said love me and the world is mine.
I shrugged.
I said the guy’s name is Gino Scarletti.
I said he is a private eye from the Ammson agency.
I said your husband was having you watched.
She said where is my husband?
I said New Hampshire.
Candi Yakozi nodded.
She said I knew it was somewhere around there.
Gino Scarletti kept flexing his jaw and blinking.
He said hola worlda screwed up.
Kellis J. Ammson said I know it Gino.
He said but it was okay until Purdue came along.
The grizzled old desk sergeant looked up from his crossword puzzle.
He said private detectives give me a royal screaming pain in the ass.
He said I will now give the whole bunch of you just thirty seconds to clear the goddam premises.
Kellis J. Ammson trumpeted like a teed-off bull elephant.
He said this flaming homicidal mental case attacks two law-abiding citizens and you just sit there with a flaming coloring book.
The grizzled old desk sergeant said this is a crossword-puzzle book you imbecile.
He said you now got fifteen seconds.
On the way out Kellis J. Ammson glared at Candi Yakozi.
He said oh boy is your flaming husband ever going to get a report on you you flaming whore.
Candi Yakozi snarled.
She said call girl you uncouth boor.
She took me by the arm.
She said what is an uncouth boor?
She said I heard it on TV.
She snuggled up to me.
She said you are coming home with me.
I shrugged.
I was too tired to say no.