…some women is less amazing than others…I ain’t never met none of them kind…
Monroe D. Underwood
Ambercrombie and Jones was an agency for Northern Consolidated Insurance.
The ordinary store-front property was beautifully done inside.
It was paneled in black walnut.
It had vertical Venetian blinds and ankle-deep salt-and-pepper carpeting and oil paintings and soft lighting.
It had rubber trees and ivy plants.
It had FM music.
And it had Myrtle Culpepper.
Myrtle Culpepper was a dead ringer for Whistler’s mother.
Only she was older.
She wore a navy blue high-collared dress with a little gold World War I service pin at the throat.
Her faded lips smiled a welcome.
Her voice was no more than slightly cracked.
She said Mr. Purdue?
I took off my hat and held it like when they play “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
I said yes ma’am.
Myrtle Culpepper’s eyelashes fluttered like little lost butterflies.
She said Mr. Purdue permit me to compliment you on your excellent manners and on your haircut.
She said these days one meets so very few genuine gentlemen with masculine haircuts.
I shrugged.
I blushed.
I said yes ma’am.
Myrtle Culpepper giggled.
She said oh heavens how utterly sweet.
She put a waxen hand to bluish hair.
She nodded toward the rear of the building.
She said Mr. Ambercrombie is expecting you.
There were two doors.
One was orange and open.
It had D. L. AMBERCROMBIE on it in white plastic letters.
The other door was beige and closed.
It had no name on it.
I figured the nameless door belonged to Jones.
If your name is Jones why bother?
Not that Jones isn’t a hell of a name.
Some of my best friends are Joneses.
D. L. Ambercrombie was slouched in a high-backed executive chair.
He was a short burly man.
He reminded me of a gray-haired fireplug.
He looked vaguely familiar.
He had a foot up on the corner of his desk.
There was a hole in the heel of his sock.
I like men with holes in their socks.
Their unimpressiveness impresses me.
Ambercrombie waved hello.
He said sit down Purdue.
He said I got your name from a Miss Yakozi earlier in the day.
He said she mentioned that you handled a personal matter for her last night.
He said Miss Yakozi told me that you acted most expeditiously.
Ambercrombie brought his foot from the desk to the floor with a bang.
He said Purdue this is no assignment for a dummy.
He said I want an intelligent man of action.
I shrugged.
I said the action part comes real easy.
Ambercrombie grinned apologetically.
He said well you know what I mean.
He said some private detectives are dummies.
He lowered his voice.
He said can we speak man to man?
I said I guess we got to.
I said there ain’t nobody else here.
Ambercrombie said I know a lady who hired a dummy private detective to follow her husband.
He said only a couple days ago when I was doing some collecting for a sick agent.
He said would you believe that this dummy detective followed me around for hours?
I said I just bet that this dummy detective thought he was tailing her husband.
Ambercrombie laughed uproariously.
He said he had to give her money back.
He said he sure was a dummy.
I said you better get your taillight fixed.
Ambercrombie stared at me.
I said I think maybe I am clairvoyant.
Ambercrombie said well by God.
I said how well do you know Miss Yakozi?
Ambercrombie winked.
He said about three hundred dollars’ worth.
He said how about you?
I said somewhere between not well enough and too goddam well.
Ambercrombie said I ought to get Jones in here.
He said but he has a couple of guys in his office.
He said Jones and I have been in business for thirty years and we’ve never seen anything like this.
He said three Friday mornings ago six hundred dollars was missing from our safe.
He said two Friday mornings ago we were minus seven hundred.
He said last Friday it was eight hundred.
Ambercrombie scowled.
He said you know what I think?
I said sure.
I said you think it will be nine hundred this Friday.
Ambercrombie said I think some sonofabitch is stealing money.
I said you probably got something there.
Ambercrombie said this is Thursday.
He said can you spend tonight here and find out what is happening?
It was a quick arrangement.
Ambercrombie gave me seventy-five dollars and a key to the office.
He scribbled his home telephone number on the back of a business card.
He said call me if anything happens.
I said I’ll do better than that.
I said I’ll call you even if nothing happens.
Ambercrombie nodded approvingly.
He said you’re a damn good man Purdue.