…just don’t pay to be too skeptical…oncet I knowed a feller what claimed to be Jesus Christ…he took a quart of wine to the men’s room…came back with a quart of water…that kind of carrying on makes a feller stop and think…
Monroe D. Underwood
On Friday morning I drove to Elmwood Park.
There was nothing but my pay in the post office box.
I stuck the envelope in my pocket and headed for Wallace’s.
Wallace was slumped against the backbar.
He was shaking his head from side to side.
Like a bull when it sees a red flag.
He said I am going to peddle this joint and move to Alaska.
He said I am going to open a whole bunch of gold mines.
I said you already got a gold mine.
Wallace said yes but this particular gold mine is in Chicago.
He said I get these here awful headaches in Chicago you see.
I said just a minute Wallace.
I said could there be the slightest possibility that strong drink might be related to your problem?
Wallace said drinking ain’t got absolutely nothing to do with it.
He said it is the air pollution and them Sox.
Shorty Connors came in.
Shorty Connors stood about six feet six.
He was called Shorty because his brother stood about six feet nine.
Shorty Connors was carrying a battered old cornet.
Wallace approached Shorty Connors very cautiously.
The way you approach a wounded rhinoceros.
He lowered his voice to a confidential level.
He said Shorty just what do you figure on doing with that goddam old cornet?
Shorty Connors smiled mysteriously.
He said now that ain’t a very smart question.
He said what do people usually do with goddam old cornets?
Wallace said well in Wallace’s tavern they usually get them shoved up their rear ends.
He said particularly if they blow them.
Shorty Connors said please stand back.
He said I am about to rip off a few rousing choruses of “Tie Me to Your Goddam Apron Strings Again.”
He said plus “The Goddam Rose of Tralee.”
He said also “The Flight of the Goddam Bumblebee.”
Wallace nodded.
He put his hands on his hips.
He said leave us not rush blindly forward all barriers disregarding.
He said I am about to make you the best offer you ever got in your whole life.
He said if you will not cut loose on that goddam fish horn I will not put you in some intensive-care ward for about seventeen years.
Wallace bought a round to prove his good intentions.
Shorty Connors winked at me.
He said I ain’t bought a drink since back last October.
He said all I need is this here good old cornet.
I said you play that thing?
Shorty Connors frowned.
He said I kind of doubt it.
He said I ain’t never tried.
Old Dad Underwood came in.
He looked at the cornet.
He said oncet I knowed a feller what had two of them there contraptions spliced to one mouthpiece.
He said this here feller played “Roses of Picardy” with one hand and “When My Baby Smiles at Me” with the other.
Wallace uttered a naughty word.
Old Dad Underwood said oh my God it was just plumb beautiful.
He said it touched these here old heartstrings.
He said it brung tears to these old eyes.
Wallace snorted.
He said you ain’t never seen no such goddam goddam thing.
He said ain’t nobody ever had that much wind.
He said except probably you.
He said you got enough wind to inflate a couple dozen dirigibles.
Old Dad Underwood said speaking of dirigibles I seen the Akron and the Macon and the Los Angeles and the Shenandoah and the Von Hitlerburg.
He said they was all out at the Mahoning County Fair back in Ohio oncet.
He said they was doing these here stunts.
He said loop-the-loops and barrel rolls and tailspins and them there things.
He said they was just carrying on something fierce.
He said I was ever so impressed.
Wallace looked at me.
He said my goddam reward got to be in heaven.
He said me and Job and all them guys.
Shorty Connors beat me out of a cigarette.
He said by the way I hear tell you are looking for a man named Vostek or something.
I said yeah.
Shorty Connors said a few weeks back we took in a roomer with a name like that.
I felt the hair on the back of my neck begin to stand up.
Shorty Connors said Melvin Yostev.
I said could it be Nivlek Ysteb?
Shorty Connors said well yes.
He said it could also be Hernando Morales.
He said but it’s Melvin Yostev.
I felt the hair on the back of my neck begin to go limp.
Shorty Connors said of course I ain’t about to take no oaths on nothing.
He said I can’t hardly even read this guy’s handwriting.
He said why I remember when the army had me down as O’Connell.
He said I had to reenlist six times to get it changed.
He said we worked out a compromise.
He said they made it Connerly.
He said come to think of it Melvin Yostev sounds a whole lot like Nivlek Ysteb.
He said not exactly but goddam near almost.
I said what sort of character is this roomer?
Shorty Connors said he is a strange little bastard but he don’t bother nobody.
He said he claims to be a painter but he don’t never paint nothing.
He said he just stays in his room all day.
He said only time he ever goes out is around midnight.
He said he don’t hardly ever get back until like three in the morning.
I could feel the hair on the back of my neck begin to stand up.
I said do you know where he comes from?
Shorty Connors said he told me Cleveland but he talks better English than that.