…you give some women six inches and they want a mile…
Monroe D. Underwood
Betsy woke me up late the following morning.
She handed me a lighted Camel and a cup of black coffee and the Chicago Sun-Times.
She said take a look at the front page.
I did.
I saw a picture of Myrtle Culpepper.
The accompanying article said that Myrtle Culpepper was probably a crusader.
It said that since the dawn of time rape has been the inviolable province of the human male.
It said that Myrtle Culpepper was to be applauded in her noble struggle to level this unreasonable barrier.
I gave the coffee back to Betsy.
I said I want to trade this in.
I said on a fifth of Sunnybrook.
I spent the day drinking.
I drank scotch and peppermint schnapps and a fifth of champagne.
I listened to the radio.
Myrtle Culpepper had become a legend in her time.
Myrtle Culpepper fan clubs were springing up like weeds.
The United States Coast Guard band played “The Myrtle Culpepper March.”
It sounded a little bit like Alte Kameraden.
All except the middle parts.
I watched John Dewberry’s five o’clock newscast.
John Dewberry was a darkly handsome man with liberal leanings.
His silver tongue was loose on both ends and hinged in the middle.
John Dewberry stated unequivocally that Myrtle Culpepper was on the right track.
He said that Myrtle Culpepper was a gallant and courageous lady.
He likened her to Carry Nation and Amelia Earhart and Bernadette of Lourdes.
He offered to meet Myrtle Culpepper secretly.
He said he was anxious to get her views on the subject of equal opportunity rape.
He invited her to call him at the television studio immediately.
I spent the evening drinking.
I drank peach brandy and blackberry brandy and apricot brandy and cherry brandy.
I said Betsy do you have any cucumber brandy?
Betsy shook her head.
She said Chance all this drinking can’t make things any better.
I said well you may rest assured there is no way it can make them any worse.
Betsy said why don’t you put it out of your mind?
She said why don’t you just recite “Hats Off the Flag Is Passing By”?
She said or sing “God Bless America.”
She said or something.
I didn’t answer.
I poured some tequila into a glass of Ovaltine and settled back to watch John Dewberry’s ten o’clock newscast.
John Dewberry had nothing to say about the bombing of the Mormon Tabernacle by the Symbionese Liberation Army Air Force.
He avoided mention of the mass suicide of the entire United States Senate.
He ignored the capture of five United States aircraft carriers by a Cambodian rowboat.
John Dewberry got right down to important things.
He announced that he had met secretly with Myrtle Culpepper.
He said that he had learned Myrtle Culpepper’s views on the subject of equal opportunity rape.
John Dewberry was missing some hair.
His face was scratched.
His lower lip was swollen.
John Dewberry said that Myrtle Culpepper had been exceedingly difficult to interview.
He declined to discuss certain details of their meeting.
He said that Myrtle Culpepper presented a serious threat to American society.
He added that Myrtle Culpepper would present a serious threat to just about any other society that came readily to mind.
He included those of the African crocodile and the Himalayan abominable snowman.
He said that Myrtle Culpepper was an utterly demented and dangerous female.
He likened her to Lizzie Borden and Lucrezia Borgia and Lady Macbeth.
He apologized to Lucrezia Borgia.
He recommended that the Illinois National Guard be mobilized within the hour.
He further recommended the prompt issue of nuclear weapons.
He apologized to Lady Macbeth.
He broke down and wept.
He said I was given fifteen cents.
He apologized to Lizzie Borden.
He requested his audience to join him in a moment of silent prayer.
He signed off.
I had a double vodka and went to bed.
Betsy had the clock-radio on.
It was playing “The Myrtle Culpepper Tango.”
The announcer said that bumper stickers were beginning to appear on cars driven by little old ladies.
He said they read Go Myrtle Go.
I got up and had a glass of gin.
When I came back to bed Betsy said I just heard a news flash.
She said somebody has invented a Myrtle Culpepper doll.
She said you wind it up and it rapes somebody.