So, Dan gave you my letters, you read them and decided you’re not going to write back. That’s cool, I get it. If I was you I wouldn’t write back to me either. What could you say that a polite person like you would want to put into writing? You might not even know the words to tell me what you think of me.
I could help you with that.
I have to admit I’m way more gutted than I expected to be by your decision and I knew it was going to be a knock-back if you didn’t want to engage, just not this big of a one. Suddenly being in prison feels a whole lot worse than it did before—and it was never good—but I expect you’ll be glad to know that. It’s what I deserve.
I don’t think Dan saw right away how much it tore me up when he delivered his news because he just goes on talking about other stuff until he realizes I’m not properly taking it in.
He bangs the table to get my attention, and starts over again.
It takes me a while to get what he’s saying, because it feels like he’s making it up, or I’m just hearing stuff I want to hear so I don’t have to handle the truth. “She’s not going to write you a letter, Archie, instead she wants to see you.”
I feel totally blown away by that, and so close to a proper blub that I have to hide my face in my hands. I really didn’t expect that, honest I didn’t, and there’s no way I’m going to turn it down. I wouldn’t do that to you even though I’m already scared s***less.
SuperDan then starts going on about how it’s going to work, but I’m asking myself what it might have been about my letters that made you want to see me. It would be helpful to know that, because if I said something right I can be sure of doing it again. Dan says he doesn’t know, because you haven’t discussed it with anyone. You just told him you want to see me and that surprised him, he said, because he hadn’t expected it to happen that soon. He wasn’t sure it would happen at all, but now it’s going to, although no one knows where or when yet.
So here I am writing to you again and this time I’m going to try and say at least some of the stuff I know Dan wants me to. It’s not like I don’t feel it, honest, it’s just I’m not used to expressing myself in a way that would lose me a lot of cred if anyone of my kind heard it. I think even my ma would have a turn if she got to read this letter, and she don’t need any more turns, that’s for sure. It would set her off crying again, like everything to do with me does—did I already tell you it’s how we spend most of her visits? I’m glad she comes though so I can see she’s all right and she seems to be, so far. Fliss at the caff has taken her on again, and now she has a few bob for petrol, she can drive our old banger up here and back. ’Course I worry about her on the roads, she’s a crap driver and handy with the horn, but that’s my ma for you, crazy and sad and kind of indestructible.
Anyways, I’m going to start my out-of-character stuff with a really big thank-you for reading my letters. I know there was never any guarantee you would, but after I got a bit more used to doing them I really felt as though I was talking to you, so I always hoped you’d see them one day. Dan says your daughter’s read them too, and your granddaughter, so I also want to say thanks to them. You might all still hate my guts—probably a given—and the reason you want to see me could be to spit in my face—probably another given—but even if that’s true I’m still grateful for you taking the time to read what I wrote.
Now here comes the really big one and I’ll probably mess it up, but I get that it’s important to try, so here goes.
With all my heart and soul I’m sorry for what I did to you and your family. I regret it more than anything I’ve ever done in my life, and I’ll never stop regretting it. Please don’t think this is me angling for forgiveness. I get that would be too much to ask so I’m not going to try. I just need to tell you that I’m sorrier than anyone has ever been about anything. I am a hundred percent genuine with this. It doesn’t have anything to do with me trying to sway a judge or to get my AM charge reduced. In fact, now I know you want to see me it’s changed a lot of things for me, so I’ve told my solicitor that I want her to stop trying for a lesser charge. I could have killed you even though I never meant to, and so it’s only right that I face up to what I did and do the time. This means there won’t be a trial because I’m going to change my plea to guilty so you won’t have to go through that ordeal.
I hope that proves to you how sorry I am.
If I could do what I know you really want I swear I would, but if I do it’ll be my ma who suffers and I just can’t allow that to happen. I hope you understand and that me spending the rest of my natural in prison will help to make up for it.