When Dan warned me a couple of weeks ago that our meeting might not happen, tbh I wasn’t all that surprised. Not that I’d been planning how I’d cope if it didn’t turn out—making plans in here is a part of the lies you tell yourself—but I have to admit I went back to my cell feeling like I’d got proper kicked over for what I’d done, because nothing else—apart from a death sentence—could have made me feel that bad, and I even wondered if an end to it all might be better.
But then SuperDan turns up three days ago and tells me it’s all on. I’m not sure who’s more chuffed, me or him, but for the first time we high-five (didn’t like to tell him no one really does that anymore) and his happiness shows me that he actually cares. OK, a lot more about you and your family than he does about me, but it still feels good to have someone a little bit onside.
I’m waiting in my cell now for someone to come and get me. You must be on your way here, or maybe you’ve already arrived. I don’t know how you’re feeling, but me, I’m totally brickin’ it. I’ve never felt this nervous about anything in my life. I honestly don’t think it can be this bad waiting for a jury to come back when you’re in the dock, but I’m not going to know about that now. My solicitor’s been told I want to plead guilty on both charges; I’m just waiting to hear about what happens next. Apparently I’ll still have to go to court, but probably only for sentencing.
Happy days!
Anyways, I’m only thinking about that so I don’t have to fret myself over how the next hour is going to pan out, or worry about taking too much of the stink of this place into the room where we’re meeting. I’m not sure where that is, I’ve been told it’s here in the prison, but not any part of it I’ve been before—and there’ll still be guards around to make sure I don’t try anything handy.
One last thing before they come for me: if this doesn’t go well I want you to know again how really sorry I am and that I wish with everything in me that I could undo it, or find a way to make it up to you. I could say something about my ma here, and my need to protect her, but you already know it so I’ll leave it there.
PS: I’m trusting you’re not going to say or do anything to change my mind about things, just can’t see it, so not sure why I wrote that.