FAVORS & FAREWELLS

End Your Party—and Start Your Life—on an Auspicious Note

All ceremonies come with “musts” that you can’t be married without—a vow exchange or legal contract, for example. But each culture has a few national customs that make the reception truly feel like a wedding, rather than any other party, and that also signal the celebration is coming to a conclusion. Those may be ritual dances that get all generations out on the floor, parting favors given to guests as a show of appreciation, or a dramatic getaway that offers everyone a chance to cheer, laugh, and say good-bye as the bride and groom ride off into the sunset together. A wedding takes so much planning, and is so much fun while it lasts. But the finale of the party shouldn’t be seen as an ending. Instead, it’s the beginning of a lucky new life together.

DANCE FEVER

Most weddings involve dancing, both the ritual kind and the party-on variety. At a Western reception, the significant numbers may be the newlyweds’ first dance as a couple, the bride’s turn with her father, and the groom’s dance with his mother, symbols of the newlyweds leaving their parents’ homes to join each other and build a new one together. In other cultures, the bride or groom performs a solo dance: a Samoan reception may kick off with the bride doing the traditional siva, and end with a group number called the taualuga, which is danced to celebrate the end of a major project, like the building of a house—or getting married. A Palestinian Arab groom may dance with a sword as a show of manhood and to demonstrate his ability to protect his bride, and she will do a candle dance, stepping onto the floor carrying a lit, decorated taper (see this page), to be joined by her mother, mother-in-law, and other female guests in a candlelit procession.

In New Zealand, everyone may join in a ngeri haka, an expressive, stamping, shouting war dance that has become a way to show respect and deep emotion. It wouldn’t be a Jewish wedding without the hora, a folk dance with Romanian origins that involves guests forming one or more circles, rushing toward each other to meet in the middle, retreating, and moving forward again. It’s said that the coming together, apart, and together again reflects the rhythm of a long marriage.

In old Czechoslovakia, the bride’s married female relatives did a raucous dance to amuse her, while in Finland, the bride, her mother, or godmother would dance with a plate balanced on her head. When it fell and broke, the number of pieces it shattered into foretold the number of children the couple would have. To this day, Jewish parents marrying off their last single child may take part in the mezinke, in which they sit in the middle of a circle while everyone dances around them and the newlyweds crown them with floral wreaths, as the Yiddish tune “Die Mezinke Ausgegeben,” or “The Youngest Is Given Away,” plays.

The money dance is a ritual found in cultural groups ranging from Cajuns to Poles to Filipinos in which men line up to dance with the bride (and sometimes, women with the groom), and pay for the privilege, either pinning bills on the couple’s clothing or handing them to the maid of honor to collect in a bag made for that purpose (called la borsa by Italians). In an interesting twist, at Czech weddings until recently, the maid of honor would dance holding a plate in her arms, as if it were a baby, as guests threw money, which was later given to the couple. This act is clearly a fertility ritual, but otherwise, a money dance is just a tangible symbol of the guests’ good wishes for the couple.

To encourage cutting loose, adopt the Venezuelan, now pan-Latin, custom of the hora loca, or “crazy hour,” in which the band cranks up the music and sends stilt-walkers, dancers, clowns, or armfuls of treats into the crowd toward the party’s end.

DO THEM A FAVOR

So much attention is focused on the two of you, it can be a relief to think about other people. That’s where favors come in. This small gesture allows you to thank guests for their support, and enables them to bring home a bit of the magic of the day. A favor can be anything from a little gift, like picture frames, to cards indicating that a donation has been made to a charitable organization on guests’ behalf, to edible treats.

The tradition dates back to medieval times, when attendees at weddings were given boxes filled with sugar cubes or sweets called bonbonnières (which is still the word for “favors” in languages from French to Greek). Mexican wedding cookies are delicious balls of rich, buttery, sugary magic that are favors at—wait for it—Mexican weddings. A shortbread and nut treat that can be made with almonds, walnuts, or pecans, they’re dusted with powdered sugar which gives them their Spanish name, polvorónes, or “dusty ones.” In Brazil, the favor of choice is bem casados (whose name means “well-married” in Portuguese), mini sponge cakes sandwiching dulce de leche, jam, or egg curd. At Korean weddings, the standard takeaway is a gift box of three to five dduk, sweet bean–filled, sesame seed–covered rice cakes that can be tinted various colors and molded into shapes, such as flowers or hearts. They’re so pretty that they’re often displayed as a dessert buffet as well. The favors passed out at Japanese weddings are kohaku manjyu, steamed sweet buns filled with red bean paste. Kohaku means “red and white”—the traditional Japanese wedding colors—and the treats are usually packaged in pairs, with one piece being red on the outside, and the other, white (see this page).

Jordan almonds, also known as dragées, are the go-to in many cultures because they’re both bitter and sweet, like life itself. A Dutch custom had guests gathering at the bride’s house the day before the wedding to offer well wishes to the couple, eat bruid suikas (“bride sweets,” aka Jordan almonds) and drink bruidstranen, mulled wine flecked with gold and silver leaf said to represent “bride’s tears,” the drink’s name. Today, bruid suikas and bruidstranen are passed out at the reception, and packaged for guests to take home. (If you can’t get your hands on bruidstranen, mini bottles of wine or champagne are another way to keep the celebration going, and happy tears flowing.) In Italy, the candy-covered nuts, called confetti in Italian, are wrapped in tulle bags for guests; each one holds five Jordan almonds to represent the five blessings everyone wishes for the newlyweds and the couple hope for their guests: health, fertility, longevity, happiness, and wealth. In some parts of the country, the bride and groom go from table to table distributing them and greeting loved ones. The Greek name for the culturally fluid Jordan almonds is koufeta and they’re everywhere at weddings, from a tray on the altar at the ceremony to favors at the reception. Greeks make sure each decorative bundle holds dragées in a number that is prime (3, 5, 7, 11, or 13), so that it’s indivisible, as the newlyweds should be. It’s said that if single guests sleep with koufeta under their pillows, they’ll dream of their future spouses. A similar, if messier, tradition takes place in England and its colonies where fruitcake is the customary favor taken home by guests, and mailed to those who could not attend, and is tucked under the pillows of unmarried romantics. Put your own spin on the custom by sending guests home with your favorite indulgence—for eating, not hiding under their pillows—whether it’s late-night pizza, bagels for the next morning, or your mom’s chocolate chip cookies.

Edible goodness isn’t the only way to send guests away with smiles on their faces. At Puerto Rican weddings, attendees are given capias, decorative pins trailing ribbons printed with the couple’s name and wedding date. This corsage-like keepsake identifies the wearer as someone who watched and supports the wedding; capias are also distributed at baptisms, first communions, quinceañeras, and other rites of passage. The bride may go around greeting her guests and pinning the capias on them, or the pins may be arranged on the dress of a doll wearing a miniature version of her gown so everyone can pick up their own. Another option is for the capias to be pinned to the ribbons of the bridal bouquet. In Thailand, guests receive floral garlands, and in India, it’s ropes of jasmine, which they can tie around their wrists, ankles, or in their hair (see this page).

If you prefer to give something practical as well as lucky, consider spices or salt (which add flavor and preserve food, the way love does life). Candles are also a symbol of your love that guests can use to add light and warmth to their homes (see this page). Virtually anything can be made even more meaningful if it’s personalized. Stamp tags with “thank you,” “cheers,” or a blessing or catchphrase in your native (or favorite) language.

AND AWAY YOU GO!

Some weddings end with a bang, with a raucous last dance, fireworks going off, or the couple leaving as guests wave sparklers (see this page). Others wrap up with a cultural ceremony. German couples combine good luck with a good workout in a tradition called baumstamm sägen, or “sawing the log.” The newlyweds use a two-handled saw to do just that, practicing working together.

If you’re leaving in a getaway car—and there’s a long history of doing so, as archaeologists have found ancient Greek pottery showing newlyweds racing off in flower-bedecked chariots—it might have something tied to the bumper. In the United States, that traditionally means tin cans clattering away. In the United Kingdom, it’s shoes, which were once thrown at the couple as they tried to leave. It’s believed that this practice is related to bride-kidnappings, when the abductee’s family would lob things at the fleeing groom. The shoe-throwing evolved into tying them onto the bumper of the newlyweds’ carriage or car for several reasons: First, the noise of the dragging shoes repels evil spirits. Second, they represent the couple walking into a new stage of life. And finally, it’s one more chance for a fertility totem, if you add baby shoes. In Russia, guests tie a doll on the hood of the car to make sure the newlyweds have a child right away.

While everyone enjoys seeing the bride and groom off, several cultures drum up obstacles to prevent the newlyweds from making it to their house so that the celebration doesn’t have to end. In parts of Japan, guests hold a rope to block the couple’s door until they pay a toll. In Germany, chains of flowers and red ribbons are used to keep the pair at the reception unless they pay a ransom or promise guests another party.

Once you finally get to your house, chances are you’ll think about one of you carrying the other over the threshold. It’s a custom that dates back to the ancient Romans, who believed carrying the bride inside would protect her from any evil spirits hovering on the ground. Another traditional safeguard is to bring bread, wine, and salt into your home so you’ll always have food, drink, and joy, and so that life will always have flavor. These useful pantry items are common housewarming gifts in Jewish, Russian, Eastern European, and Italian cultures, among others. What not to bring? An American wives’ tale warns homeowners not to take an old broom into a new house; a new broom will sweep out any existing bad mojo.

In some cultures, it’s not bad luck you have to worry about following you, but your friends. In China, the newlyweds’ crew crams into the bridal suite to make noise, scaring away evil spirits until the couple kicks them out. In rural France, a similar ritual, called a chiverie, involves the pals banging pots and pans and ringing bells outside the door until they get invited in for more food and drink. The custom, rarely practiced today, morphed into a shivaree among the Cajuns in Louisiana.

When you make it safely inside, you may want to cut into a tier of your wedding cake—Haitians do, so the fruitcake will bring fertility into their house. Or consider following a tradition from Bermuda, and planting a tree that will grow along with you. In Switzerland, the couple’s friends plant a tree in their yard, so that the newlyweds will have wood to make a cradle.

AND THEY LIVED LUCKILY EVER AFTER

Just because your wedding is over doesn’t mean you should stop looking for creative ways to celebrate love and attract luck. Many married couples keep a souvenir of a meaningful wedding ritual in their home, whether it’s their framed ketubah for a Jewish couple or, for Orthodox Christians, a carved round wooden frame called a stefanothiki holding their wedding crowns. There are even holidays devoted to making sure your spouse enjoys good fortune. In northern India during the festival of Karwa Chauth—which usually falls in late October or early November—women fast from sunrise to moonrise, praying that their husbands will enjoy a long life, until they spot the moon’s reflection in water or through a sieve, make an offering to the moon, then turn to see their spouses standing behind them. In recent years, men have started returning the favor, so that the couple fast for each other’s luck. That may inspire you to spend a day together, say a prayer, or to feed each other moon pies—when it comes to rituals, the details matter less than the sentiment behind them. Whatever your background, you’ll find the most tried-and-true good-luck ritual of all is telling each other how lucky you are to have found each other, and doing so as often as possible.