32

‘You knew that Melanie would tell me the truth about Emily.’

I have just finished putting the last of the washed dishes away. Nan is sitting in her chair, looking at the pictures of Emily and George on the wall in front of her.

It is two days since I visited the cemetery and I can think of nothing else. Finding a family secret raises more questions than it answers. I have plenty and have been biding my time waiting for the right moment to ask Nan some of them.

‘Is that why Dad never wanted to come back here?’

‘It was my fault that he carried it so hard. I raised him to be strong. When George died Tony was so young but I always made him believe he was the man of the house, that he had responsibility for us all. He did look after us too. But when that terrible thing happened, he blamed himself for not protecting Emily. For not being able to protect us.’

I sit quietly next to her, waiting patiently for her to reveal more.

‘George and I knew that life was tough if you were black and we kind of accepted it because we grew up with racism all the time. When we finally came to this mission was the first time I had shoes. I remember how proud I was of ’em and they were really just cardboard. But see, back then, blacks were given so little, we were so grateful for any mean thing we got. And yet we all worked so hard all the time. I wanted life to be different for Tony and Emily.

‘Tony would never accept that he wasn’t as good as anyone else. I’m proud of him for that. Always held his head high. Thought he was as good as any white person and no one was going to deny him anything. So when it happened, it shook his pride and crushed him.’

She pauses for a while. Again lost in a memory. I think of my father and for the first time here with Nan, in this place where he grew up, I appreciate how much he has made of his life. He was forever pushing me to take opportunities and I am chastened to realise that I have rarely thought about the barriers - greater than any that faced me - that he overcame.

‘So I understood why he had to leave,’ Gran says, breaking me from my thoughts. ‘I understood why he never wanted to talk about it. I understood why he never wanted to come home. And I also understand why it is so important for him to do things to help our people. I understand why he drives himself so hard. I understand why he feels better when people admire him, why he needs to be loved.’

Nan is quiet again but I know she has not finished speaking. I am glad Patricia taught me about the silences when people talk and I respect them now.

‘And he did do good, you know. All his generation, those angry young men and women who said enough and demanded their rights, our rights. They made a difference. These houses weren’t built out here until after they started talking about rights. And many of us were too shy to ask for them. Didn’t know how. Some said they should be quiet, not rock the boat. But we are so much better off now than we were back then before they were marching in the streets. Even if we still have a long way to go. But,’ she turns to look at me directly and raises her finger, shaking it slightly, ‘if he thinks it was hard on him, that thing that happened, what they did, imagine how hard it was on those of us who stayed. And how hard it was on Emily. In the end, it was too hard on her. She just couldn’t take it after what they did to her.’

‘Who were they and what did they do to her?’

‘Those boys raped her down by the river. They might as well have killed her right then and there.’

I feel a chill down my spine. Raped? Nan’s face has hardened. I sense that she will say nothing more. There is a trickle of sweat on her brow, glistening in the sun.

‘Would you like a glass of lemonade?’ I ask gently.

She nods, still looking at the photographs of Emily and George.

When I return with the cool glass, I ask one last question.

‘Nan, what was Emily like?’

Nan smiles. ‘She was like a little bird, a little sparrow. Quiet but busy. Always wanted to help. She adored her brother. Would have done anything for him. She was the kind that would have done anything for anyone. She was like an angel on this earth.’

Nan takes a long drink. ‘There was something about your mother, her goodness, and the sense that she was fragile, that always reminded me of my little Emily.’

The telephone rings. I am more mobile than Nan so I have taken to answering it.

It’s my mother. ‘We were just talking about you. Were your ears burning?’

‘No. What were you talking about? Have you spoken to your father?’

‘No, I haven’t spoken to Dad. And we were saying nice things about you.’ Her questions make me suspicious. ‘What’s wrong, Mum?’

‘Nothing. Nothing. Everything is fine. Just fine. I wanted to ring before you come back and let you know that your father and I have decided to separate.’

The chill I felt upon hearing about Emily’s rape is back.

‘Why? What has he done?’

‘It’s a mutual decision. I’m staying in the house for the time being and he has moved out.’

‘Already? When?’

‘Just over a week ago. The night after you left to visit your Nan.’

‘Over a week ago. And no one told me?’

‘I didn’t want you to worry about us.’

‘I’ll come home,’ I say.

‘No, no. I’m fine. You stay with your Nan. She rarely sees you and it must mean a lot to her to have you visiting. There is no need to come home early.’

‘Where’s Dad gone?’

‘He’s staying with - a friend.’

I don’t ask any more. I suspect it is Rachel and if Mum knows she clearly doesn’t want to tell me. If she doesn’t know, I’m not about to tell her.

‘Should I let Nan know? Or should I keep it a secret until you are sure that this is what you really want.’

‘You can let her know now, if you find the right time.’

‘That was Mum on the phone,’ I say, returning to my seat next to Nan. ‘She and Dad have split up.’

‘I know. I heard.’

‘I was in the other room. I thought you were hard of hearing.’

Nan ignores my attempt at humour. She looks past me.

‘I love your mother like she was my own daughter.’

‘She’s very fond of you too.’

‘But that son of mine … I know. I hear. I don’t like it.’ Nan finishes the last of her lemonade. ‘I always worried that one day he would do something to lose her.’

‘Seems like that day has finally come,’ I say glumly.

‘Well, it took longer to get here than I thought it would.’

We sit in silence for some time. The room starts to darken but neither of us stir. Even though I had caught my father out, it never occurred to me that my parents would separate. I have never imagined them apart.

Finally, Nan tells me to put the television on so we can watch the news. We stare at the screen but my mind is full of my mother, my father and Emily.