34

Over the past few weeks, Rachel has turned her meeting with Patricia Tyndale over and over in her mind, especially after Tony had turned up with an overnight bag, announcing that he had left Beth Ann. ‘She knows about us,’ he had said.

‘Did Simone tell her?’ was Rachel’s first reaction.

‘No. Seems she kept it to herself. I told her. I told her about us.’

His arrival on her doorstep and clear intention to move in made her anxious. They’d gone through the facade of Christmas. The ludicrousness of their situation became most apparent when she took Tony home for lunch at her parents’ place. After all, she couldn’t leave him brooding in the apartment. Simone had chosen to spend the day with her mother and had only committed to ‘perhaps’ drop by for dinner.

Her parents were pleasant with Tony, asked polite questions, made him feel welcome. But she could see that look - of worry, concern, disappointment - when they arrived. He so much older; she so young. Her mother’s hug when she left was just slightly longer than usual, her father less at ease.

But even before then, when Tony had taken her out publicly, everyone had stared. She was convinced there was whispering behind their backs. She didn’t like the attention and wanted to shrink from it. Tony must have sensed it too. He went out less and less. ‘Let’s skip this one,’ he would say as an engagement loomed.

And now, as the new year approached, she felt the time had come to act. She had always had a kind of superstition that the tone of New Year’s Eve sets the path for the rest of the year. There was no point in putting it off.

She’d had a dream the night before that she was lying in her bed and she had rolled off and Tony had rolled on top of her and was crushing her. She woke up with a start, catching her breath.

She’d rehearsed what she wanted to say. How Tony would respond was unknown and anticipating his reaction made her stomach tighten with anxiety. Always best to do it in the morning, she’d read somewhere. Then there is the rest of the day for other arrangements to be made. She’d already prepared.

She looked at him across the table strewn with the remains of breakfast. He was handsome, the grey streaks of hair and the lines made him more so, she had always thought. Yes, she loved him. But not enough. Not for right now. Not enough to choose this as her life. She counted to ten and took a deep breath.

‘Tony, we need to talk,’ she said.

‘What about?’ he answered warily, looking up from his paper.

‘Tony, I didn’t want you to leave your wife for me. It wasn’t the deal we had from the start.’

‘But things have changed from where we started. It’s different now.’

‘Look Tony, I made a mistake in getting involved with you. Not a mistake, that’s not right. You are an amazing man and I love you. I’ll always love you. But this relationship with you is not the best thing for me right now. And I don’t think it is what is best for you either,’ she added more quietly.

Tony looked stunned, as though she had sliced a knife through him. Then a cloud came over his face. His eyes became smaller, squinting. His jaw set hard.

‘How dare you,’ he thundered. ‘How dare you do this to me. Don’t you know who I am? I’ll finish you. You’ll never get a job in this town again. You’ll be fucking nothing. Fucking nothing.’

The slam of Tony’s fist on the bench top was forceful. The plates, cutlery and jam jars all rattled in its wake.

An unexpected calm came over Rachel. ‘It’s already over,’ she said softly.

‘I’ll finish you at work. I’ll finish you around this town.’

‘That’s what I meant, Tony. I’m already finished. I know that. I knew that the day your daughter saw us in your office. The way she looked at me. She knew - about you and me. And she will only ever see me as being where I am because I slept with you. Your colleagues will never take me seriously either. They’re not interested in anything I say, what I have to offer, because they know I’ve slept with you. I topped seven classes at uni. I almost got the University Medal. But those guys you work with - and your daughter - will never be able to see past the fact that I had an affair with you.’

‘I didn’t mean what I said. I don’t mean it.’ Tony quietened, his initial panic replaced with resignation. ‘I need you.’

A smile slipped onto her face. ‘Tony, I would make you miserable.’ She knew that breaking up with him would also mean having to find a new job. It highlighted the enormity of her mistake.

Patricia Tyndale had given her a great gift: the strength to know that she could make her own path without anyone else’s approval or endorsement, on her own terms, her way. Aboriginal people judge you on what you do … you will gain acceptance when you prove yourself. You do not need the approval of others to be Aboriginal.

If she didn’t start again now, it would be too late.