Chapter 15: The Ten First Date Commandments

Hopefully, it was by way of the scenic route, and you enjoyed the ride to Dateworthiness.

Or…perhaps you did what I always do. And that’s skip right to the at-a-glance, troubleshooting guide because I’m in a hurry and just need some kind of “how do I get this to work now?” basics and then I’ll go back when I have some time and get into learning all the other cool features.

It’s absolutely understandable if you literally just bought this book and your date is in three hours. Actually, I’m impressed if that’s the case—looking for a little basic training just before you hit the dating trenches is a completely Dateworthy instinct.

It’s totally unacceptable otherwise. Looking for the quick fix, miracle cure when it comes to being Dateworthy, to acquire the skills and knowledge to feel self-worthfull enough to call the shots and not feel like you are at the mercy of some mystical dating force…that takes time. And effort. And yes, even a little bit of prep work.

That said, I guess it’s okay for those of you who have that pending date to take just a little peek at what’s in store for you before you go back and begin your true Dateworthy journey later. And for those of you who are here via the scenic route—welcome to the wrap party!

After all, isn’t it the sample at the fragrance counter that inspires you to invest in the full size? (Oh, come on, that was a really good analogy—you totally knew what I meant.)

Having sex on a first date doesn’t make you a bad person. It does, however, compromise your ability to:

• Stay safe—after all, unless you’re going to do it in a public bathroom, having sex means having to go somewhere and be alone with someone you barely know.

Yes, guys are two-headed beings and will push for sex. However, if he’s a guy who’s interested in who you are, he’s not actually expecting to get it. (As a matter of fact, studies show that most guys stick around if they don’t have sex.) Remember: Sex should be the perk of a good relationship, not a first-date party favor. So put on that ugly support bra and granny hose and get going!

RelationTip: Sex may sell—but first-date sex sells you short.

The last thing anyone wants to do is be stuck in a date that feels like an advanced calculus class with no end to the period in sight. Trust me: You may feel funny saying, “I’d love to meet you—say around 5:00?—but I’ve got to be somewhere at 7 tonight,” but having that advance plan is a whole lot kinder than trying to find a way to bolt in the middle of a date with a nice guy who just isn’t for you. (If he’s a jerk, kindness rules are fair game to be broken.)

Set a time limit and have a girlfriend call you near the time you are “supposed” to leave. If it’s a good date, you can say, “Oh, I don’t have to go and help out? Great—I’ll talk to you later.” And—if he’s not already scheduled—you have the option of extending your time together.

dating diary

Dean was a personal ad date who sounded fun on the phone, so we met for dinner. As soon as I got there, he said to me, “Oh…wow…your picture looked a lot more model-like.” I tried to joke through the awkward moment.

“Wow, thanks. Sorry that you didn’t read my 5’3” reference in my letter!” He wouldn’t let it go.

“No, really, I just figured you were taller. And I guess more in proportion for your height.” I was fuming—this less-than-tall idiot making me feel less than…but…I was also hungry. So I continued on.

We sat down and I looked at the menu and saw that they had a “signature” shrimp cocktail with shrimp that had to be flown in first-class from some place from the Florida Keys—and it was incredibly expensive. Yum. I ordered eight of them.

Oh, yes I did. That was thirty-two shrimp and over $70. He was mortified.

“I guess you like shrimp,” he offered. “But do you really think you need thirty-two?” I sure did. And I let him talk, and I ate to the point of busting and then said, “I feel sick. I think I ate too many shrimp. Excuse me.” I went toward the bathroom…and out the door…and never, ever felt bad about it. Definitely a good shrimp/bad shrimp night.

There’s nothing that a two-headed being likes as much as sex, as having someone ask questions and show an intense interest in what he has to say. (I’ll be honest: Those first few dates in the Best Behavior Zone are probably the most you’ll ever see him talk, so definitely encourage the chatter!) As you know, a conversation should be like a tennis game, with two people lobbing back and forth. But your goal here is to get the info on him, not to hear the stories you already know, so be sure to always find a way to follow your response with an inquiry that gets the ball back into his court. By appearing to be a good listener to him—and by actually really listening and getting to know if he’s got partner potential—you both score: He’s flattered, you’re informed!

Just as there should never be any X-rated conversation, there should never be ex-saturated conversation in a first-date situation. Sure, you will both be curious—and rightly so—about how long it’s been since a breakup, but going on and on about what a jerk, or a mistake, or a waste of time someone was will only make a guy feel:

• Uneasy. Will you be trash-talking him this way one day? Or worse, unable to let go and, perhaps, turn stalker on him?

• Rebound-cautious. No one gets that caught up in a past relationship unless it’s not truly history!

RelationTip: There’s a fine line between love and hate, and for guys…well, passionate hate reads, “I’m still not over that X-man.”

Your date is not your therapist. Nor is he your priest or your hairdresser. (Why is it that every woman I know, myself included, feels the need to spill life secrets the moment we’re in the “hair chair”? Do we think that perhaps if our stylist knew everything, he’d actually give us a better haircut? One that was bouncin’ and behavin’ a whole lot better than our lives were going? Oh, the stories my stylist could tell!)

dating diary

Angelo was really depressed about his dead-end job, but he wasn’t sure what he’d want to do next. Actually, if he hadn’t busted out his knee playing high-school ball, he may have had a career. But it didn’t matter, anyway, because his parents were really pushing him into accounting, so he went to school for it and got a degree, which took him a lot longer than he expected because he had to drop out for a little while to go into rehab…which, thank God, he never had to deal with again because now he’s totally against anything that is mind-altering and thinks everyone needs to treat his body like a temple. Actually, maybe the job wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for his cubicle-mate with this habit of clearing his throat all the time…

Why do you need to know all this about Angelo? As I sat on this interminable date (that’s right, folks—he was so darn sexy I forgot to plan a time-limit call), I wondered the same thing.

The object of a first date is to give—and get—a good impression. You know how you should always stay alert to what’s going on by avoiding alcohol on a first date? Skip the wine—and the whine—if you want to make this date a successful, informative one.

Don’t go on and on about all the rotten stuff going on with you. Why would he want to get involved in your life if you don’t even like being there? Do tell him the things about you that you think make you look your best—just don’t forget to take time to find out the same from him. And while we’re talking about discreet disclosure, let’s not forget another open book liability: Being too open about where you work or live can compromise your safety if this guy turns out to be a creep.

RelationTip: If you want to be a must-read, don’t offer up Cliffs Notes.

Bringing up marriage on a first date is truly enough to make a man break out into hives. And the man who doesn’t…is truly a man who should make you break into a run.

Talking about marriage may mean that you fall into the most-bound-to-be-broken-up-with behavior type of woman I call the Time Bomb. It makes you sound desperate, and makes the guy desperately worried about asking you on a second date for fear that you may view it as a commitment from him.

And if he brings it up? Be as wary as a guy would be of you. This is a guy who is either a) saying things that he thinks will make him come off as Mr. Commitment Guy to get into your pants, or b) a First Sighter—someone who falls in love with your Best Behavior Zone and just when you succumb, backs off and says, “This is moving too fast.” You can always brush him off with your own “M” word: “Maybe someday…when I’ve taken the time to find the right guy.”

RelationTip: Guys who come on way too strong right off the bat are often possessive and abusive. Add this to your cautionary clues.

Know that old wives’ tale about putting your eggs in one basket? Girl, they may be old—but they are wives…meaning, at one point or another, they nabbed that man!

As I’ve said before, dating is a numbers game: The more men you date, the better the odds are of meeting some really good eggs. But to increase your chances of seeing—and being seen—by a Dateworthy guy, you’ve got to have a dating rotation. Everyone is in the Best Behavior Zone those first three months. By not concentrating on just one guy for that amount of time—and having at least one or two spares—it won’t feel so much like wasted time when one of them ends up being less than Dateworthy.

Just be honest. Never tell someone he is your only one when he’s really just your number one…of several.

Hmmm…He’s not exhibiting any scary signposts or giving off cautionary clues that you need to file away for future observance. He seems cool and attentive, funny and interesting, and yet…you can’t put your finger on it, but something about this guy makes you uneasy.

Crime stats show that many women are the victims of a crime—like date rape—because they ignored, or brushed away, a gut feeling that something just wasn’t right…especially if the guy seemed to be everything they wanted in a man.

Most of the Commandments set forth in this chapter can help you trust your gut instincts—and stay safe—a little easier. Having a spare or two may just allow you to feel confident enough to leave this one in the dust. Not having sex on the first date keeps you from being alone with him. Skipping ex talk won’t lead this guy to believe that you are vulnerable…Seeing a pattern here?

If your gut instinct tells you that there’s something wrong, trust it and end this date. Be sure to call a friend and let her know what happened—and to make sure that you are not being followed once you leave. If you think you are, don’t go directly home. Instead, head over to a populated area, call 911, and tell a cop your fears and where you are.

RelationTip: If he’s creeping you out, take flight. Don’t fight the feeling.

If you go into every date situation thinking that you may make a new friend, you’ll:

• Invest more time in the conversation than you will being worried if he likes you

The best relationships are based on friendship qualities: honesty, respect, having common morals and values. You already know you’re attracted to him that way (heck, if you weren’t, you wouldn’t even be on this first date in the first place!). Now think about what you’d want in a friend and look for those qualities. And remember: Take your time to find them. Anything presented to you in those first few months may be Best Behavior buffed.

Bonus: If things don’t work out, you end up with a new friend who may fix you up with someone who will work out.

It’s graduation night, and you just got your degree in Dateworthiness. You’ve got the knowledge. Now go forth and conquer with the confidence that if it doesn’t turn into a second date, “it’s not you…it’s him!”

There you have it. The No-Fail Holy Grail, if you will, of essential rules—which lists “Have Fun” as your final task—which you should set in stone…or at least, set on your makeup table where you can see it just before leaving for that next first date.

RelationTip: Smiles. Laughter. Major turn-ons!

So…what happens when that first date becomes…the first few weeks…or even months of dating? If you’re on your way out—we’ll chat later about that.

However, if you are truly one of the Dateworthy diploma holders, thirsty for knowledge now, let’s move on for some higher learning

CHAPTER 15