Chapter 18: The Exclusive on Exclusivity

In case you’re wondering…I’m looking for two “yesses,” one “commitment, of course” and a “no” here. In that order. And in short order—I’ll tell you why.

You would like to get married while you’re still young enough to birth a baby or two. He’d like to get married someday, but not anytime soon, and especially not until he’s had a chance to do that cross-country-tour-on-a-Harley thing he and his friends have been talking about since high school graduation a decade ago.

Call me crazy, but, I’m thinking—these are relationship goals that aren’t exactly meshing seamlessly.

If you and your sweetie haven’t yet discussed relationship goals, you absolutely must do it before you even consider making your relationship an exclusive one. Exclusivity has to do with compatibility. If you two don’t share the same relationship goals and vision for your future, then it’s a major mistake to get your heart tangled up with this person.

RelationTip: If you’re not headed for the same goal, then you should remain on opposite teams.

And ladies…if he says he does not want the same things you do…believe him. Do not even start thinking, “Oh, well, he says that he doesn’t want marriage now, but once we’ve been together a little longer and he falls deeper in love with me, he’ll see the error of his ways.” If I had a dime for every letter I got from women who wasted years waiting for him to alter his not-headed-to-the-altar thinking…and a nickel for every note from a newly dumped female who “accidentally” got pregnant mid-marriage despite the no-babies deal…well, I’d have a whole lot of dimes and nickels.

But if you do share a vision, now you need to figure out if it’s on the same time line.

You both want to be married and have kids. But you’re still in grad school and want to wait till you get your degree; your boyfriend, older and established, doesn’t want to wait any longer to start having a family.

Just as it is important to ask, “What are your relationship goals?” it’s also imperative to ask, “And when are you planning to start executing them?”

RelationTip: When you meet the right person at the wrong time, you may be tempted to make the wrong choice for what you think is the right reason: love.

Becoming exclusive when you both know that you have different life needs and timing is only delaying—and worsening—the eventual breakup you will have when you realize that love does not conquer all issues.

You’ve been dating this guy a while, and he’s pretty great. Unlike the other guys you have gone out with, he’s the only one who wants to be exclusive. You figure…hey, isn’t that what dating is all about? To keep doing it until you find someone who wants you? You go for it.

Girl, if I’ve just described how you’re feeling, you should not only not be exclusive—you need to flip back a few chapters and reconnect with the Dateworthiness you so obviously have lost.

The point of dating is to keep meeting new guys, and opening yourself up to finding a guy whom you truly and deeply care to be with. You know what I mean—Mr. Right versus Mr. Right for the Moment.

RelationTip: Never settle just so that you can settle down.

Remember: True romance comes only out of true commitment. Believe in your Dateworthiness enough to know that this guy isn’t going to be the only guy who ever falls for you. Why should he be the only one to experience the giddiness that comes with falling for someone?

dating diary

I was completely nuts over Anthony, a lawyer who had dreams of one day becoming a judge, packaged in tall, dark, Italian stud-muffin, sexy looks. He lived and practiced in upstate New York, but came into Manhattan all the time to take in plays, do the nightlife, and enjoy the restaurants, and I was more than happy to be right there with him. We kind of naturally fell into an exclusive situation where we both let each other know we just weren’t interested in seeing anyone else.

One day, over some especially delicious bow-tie pasta, I commented, “Life just doesn’t get any better than this!”

And he said, “Sure it does…eventually you grow up, get married, move to the country, pop out a few kids, and live happily ever after.”

I laughed. “Yeah, right. Maybe for someone else, but not me!”

He seemed shocked. “Really? You actually want to stay here for the rest of your life?”

“Well…that’s the vision. Me in Manhattan and no kids,” I replied. As we discussed the issue more and more, I realized that if I wanted to keep this one, I was going to have to accept his vision of what my future looked like. I felt sick to my stomach and asked him to take me home. There was major tension in the car. We said good night…and I went upstairs.

Several hours later, my doorbell was ringing frantically. It was Anthony and I let him up. He reached into his pocket and took out a black velvet box and opened it to the biggest pear-shaped diamond I had ever seen.

He said, “If you change your mind now, and tell me that you can picture yourself in my dream, it’s yours.”

I took the box. Tried on the ring. And then I gave it back.

“Anthony, we’re not just not sharing similar dreams. I love you but I don’t want to marry you now…and I don’t think I can promise you a future with kids and the country either.”

Needless to say, that was a really painful breakup.

This is not the army, chickie—the don’t ask, don’t tell policy definitely does not work when it comes to relationships!

Ask yourself why you’re terrified—is it because you don’t trust your judgment? If so, I say nonsense. If you’ve come this far, and you’ve done the homework, you are a fabulous new Dateworthy person who should follow up on her gut instinct about this great guy.

Is it because you don’t think he’s on the same page? If that’s because after all this time, he’s still seeing other girls…and has never called you his girlfriend…I’d say, girlfriend, you’re probably right. Skip the exclusive and go right for the personal ads.

Once you know what’s making you terrified, I say start writing down the reasons why and take a good look. If they are reasons that make perfect non-exclusivity sense, reexamine the relationship and see whether what’s needed is more casual dating time…or just to keep it casual and keep dating.

So that’s the exclusive on exclusivity. If it sounds right for you, I say—get right to it! Only time will tell whether you two will eventually pick up a copy of my second book, Ringworthy.…(And when I say time, I do mean time—as in you both need to share at least once: every holiday in a year, a birthday, a family function, and a vacation away).

RelationTip: Love come easy is love that goes away easy.

Do you remember when we started this journey together, waaaaay back in the beginning when you picked up this book, intrigued about the cover’s concept of being “Dateworthy” and getting the relationship you want?

I’ve got a secret: You are now not only ready to get the relationship you want…you’ve also gotten a bonus: a relationship you needed—the brand-new confident one with yourself!

In order to become Dateworthy, you had to find your own self-worthfullness, the confidence to know that you are the best you can be. When you feel great about yourself (“I like me, I really like me!”), you are more apt to hold out and take your time to find someone who deserves your love…and gives you the love that you deserve.

So, congratulations, and big hugs to you. Now, will you get out there and apply all that education already? Geez. I didn’t support your Dateworthy education to have you just sitting around. Get out and get dating!

CHAPTER 18