Chapter 1: You…from Worse to Better

But if you’ve heard that line way more than you’ve ever heard, “I’m crazy in love with you,” it’s time to start wondering if perhaps it could very well be you. Because, let’s face it, the common denominator in all your failed relationships is…well…you!

I’m not saying that you are fully to blame for the end of every relationship. I am, however, saying that you are fully responsible for the fact that the relationship began in the first place. You either chose to go after the guy or allowed yourself to be caught by him. Now, I’m the first to agree that there are some guys who are so slick in their presentations that they can fool you some of the time, but when you find you’re getting fooled most of the time, you ought to take a look at that fabulous female in the mirror and ask, “What, already?”

The first step? Figure out what your dating style is. The only way you’re going to stop attracting the wrong types—and get the right ones to stick around—is by recognizing and rejecting some of the bad dating behaviors you’ve picked up over the years. Here are what I call the top ten most-bound-to-be-roken-up-with behavior types:

• The Time Bomb: Your biological clock is ticking so loudly, you view every first date as a potential rehearsal dinner. You demand to know where the relationship is headed so early and often that he’s headed out the door.

• The Shadow: You may be an independent spirit around your friends, but once you get with a guy, you lose yourself in him. You take on his hobbies; give up everything that’s yours to blend in with his life; never express your own point of view, thinking that agreeing with him 100 percent will please him. Disappearing into your guy, however, does not stop him from doing his own disappearing act.

• The Drama Queen: You figure that anything worth having has to be fought for. You shop at Bad Boys R Us, and your favorite way to kiss is during make-up make-outs. You’re so busy catching him in lies and trying to be the woman who is woman enough to change him, you haven’t even noticed that you are the only one calling.

• The Diva: Your standards leave most men in the “not worthy” category. Many men will try, but only a loser would stick around to be treated like a loser. Inevitably, you end up Queen of Queens (my preferred terminology over “Fag Hag”), because only gay men can tolerate your fabulousness.

• The First Sighter: If you aren’t feeling a flash of love and lust within the first moments you set eyes on each other, you don’t pursue him any further. Most men will not tread past the “I’m just not attracted to you that way” signs you post immediately.

• The Rescuer: Like the Statue of Liberty, your arms are open to accept the tired, the poor, the downtrodden, and the hungry. Artists and musicians, damaged men who cry…you’re pretty sure that by being everything to these men, you’ll get to heal and keep one. Yet time and time again, they steal your heart, your energy—maybe even your grocery money—and move on.

• The Other Half: Your motto: Any relationship is better than none. You hop from relationship to relationship, never feeling like a whole person on your own, always ready to go steady, even if it means lowering your standards (causing even your closest friends to wonder, “What was she thinking?”). It usually takes guys a few months to figure out that the reason they’re not comfortable with you is because you’re not either.

• The People Pleaser: The man you date is essentially the man everyone else thinks is worthy. If your parents want him as a son, or if friends you’re trying to impress say he’s a great catch, then you push your own feelings out of the way. Eventually, he catches on and finds intimacy elsewhere.

• The Money Honey: Love is grand, but several hundred grand is what makes your heart pump faster. You’re willing to play by his rules and sell your soul if it means a lifetime of luxury. Unfortunately, being bought leaves you in the powerless position of being sold out once he sees a shinier, newer toy he wants to play with.

• The Green Monster: Your mantra: Men Are Dogs. Your mission: to put a leash on your guy and only allow enough slack to keep an eye on him. Your motivation: You will not be the last to know when he cheats on you. Your man: He won’t cheat because he’s just loosened the noose and vamoosed!

RelationTip: It’s hard to evaluate yourself in love. When you’re ready to figure out your part in dating disasters, ask several trusted friends to give you their opinions about what they’ve witnessed in your past relationships.

I’m betting you probably cross over into more than one type—I know that I have visited all but one category (you’ll just have to guess which one!) during my dating years.

If you find that you do relate to some of these types, know that you’re in good company, and these choices are not always your fault. Very often we choose to exhibit certain behaviors because:

• We’re carrying some big, heavy baggage from one or more previous relationships.

• We model our own behavior on that of our parents (the first “love relationship” we ever witnessed), which, as the divorce rate indicates, was probably not so perfect.

• We grew up watching soaps and, not knowing how else to act with a guy, adopted a favorite character to try out on boys. Some of us chose the long-suffering nice girl route, while others believed that every man wanted an Erica Kane type. (It didn’t matter in the world of daytime television, where everyone had at least six gorgeous weddings!)

In the end, though, it doesn’t matter why we’re acting like bad daytime players—what matters is that we can recognize and change our dating styles.

First, by sending a wake-up call to each personality so that you can actually understand the error of those ways.

Second, by making a checklist of the dos and don’ts of choosing a person who won’t drive you back into those bad behavioral patterns. After all, if you don’t know what qualities are essential, then how can you not help but repeat history—and histrionics?

dating diary

Danny was amazing. Tall, dark hair and skin, electric blue eyes. I couldn’t believe it when he left his group of friends at the car show to talk to me.

As we spoke, he asked if I wanted a soda, and not only brought me one but also popped it open and stuck the straw in for me. He asked a lot of questions about me and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. I gave him my number, and he called me that night.

We went out a few times—in my car, because he said he was loaning his to his mom until she got hers fixed. I was thrilled about how thoughtful he was. I decided I wanted to surprise him one night with a picnic basket for two, which is when I realized that since I always picked him up at work, I didn’t actually know where he lived. I took a quick peek into his wallet when he was pumping my gas, looking for his license so that I could write down the address, and came across some pictures of him posing with a bride…and then with kids. When he got back in the car, I asked him about them.

He sighed and said, “Well, I guess I should tell you that I’m married. But I’m not happy, and I only stick around for the kids, you know? I date all the time.”

Figures. Mr. Considerate turned out to be Mr. Dad—taking care of the needs of others was second nature!

I was furious, and told him so. I stormed out of the car. He called after me, and I turned around, opting to make a scene. “Screw you. I never want to see you again!” Everyone who was pumping gas or exiting the 7-Eleven watched. I turned to make my dramatic exit when he yelled,

“Hey! Where are you going? This is your car!”

You’ve got the information. Now, your mission—should you choose to accept it—is to ditch those most-bound-to-be-broken-up-with behavior types and replace them with your very first Dateworthy actions.

My advice: Read through the wake-up calls below with a friend, and don’t skip any. I know you thought you recognized yourself in perhaps only four out of the ten most-bound-to-be-broken-up-with-behavior types, but I’m betting there are bits and pieces of other behaviors that you may not realize—and your friend can actually point out and say, “Oh, are you kidding me? You always do that!” (Don’t despair—make this a double-Dateworthy challenge, and enlighten her as to her darker dating side.)

It’s not only that most guys can instinctively pick up on the scent of relationship desperation. Demanding to know what the future holds early in a relationship before you even know that the guy is worthy of your love and attention could end up placing you in a “be careful what you wish for” situation, aka, “How do I get rid of Mr. Wrong now that I’ve led him to believe I wanted to grow old with him?”

Your mission possible: From now on, the words “Where is this going?” do not leave your mouth until you have dated for at least six months. That way, you’ve gotten past the three-month everyone’s-on-their-best-behavior waiting period, and you’ve started to see his true colors.

The reason your man became your man is because he liked you—your conversation, your values, the way your brain and personality work. The more you become a clone instead of a complement to his personality, the quicker he’ll become bored and seek out a girl that reminds him of…your former self.

Your mission possible: If you need to be reminded of what it was about you that attracted him on those first few dates, ask him. And then, every time you’re tempted to stifle an opinion, remember his words and speak out!

RelationTip: The best way to initiate a “let’s talk” moment with a guy is without the “let’s talk” announcement, and during a meal. Never try to get into his head while he’s watching TV, or during something sexual, when he’s apt to say anything just to shut you up.

Constant bickering may make for great television, but it’s definitely not healthy in a relationship. Life is tough enough, and there are plenty of people out there who are more than happy to give you a hard time. Your man should be the one person you can count on to make you feel good at the end of the day. Fact: Fighting is a great way to avoid being intimate with someone. That said, be honest: Do you do it because you don’t know how to open up about what you really need? Did you grow up witnessing drama and are now worried that a steady, happy relationship means there’s no passion?

Your mission possible: As you work on those issues, try something new: Make your next relationship one that starts off not as a passion but as a friendship, so that you already know that there’s a built-in communication level. That means put the fizzle in the sizzle, baby, and take a second look at guys you keep labeling as “too nice.” You’d be surprised at how passionate you can get over someone who goes out of his way to drop off chicken soup when you’re sick or who compliments you on your worst hair days.

It’s important to have standards about how you should be treated, but not when it means making another person totally compromise and demean himself. The more you learn to appreciate what a guy does for you instead of criticizing it, the more often you’ll see him looking for new ways to make you happy.

Your mission possible: Every time you make an unreasonable demand, stop and ask yourself, “Would I do that for him?” and “Would I let him treat me like that?” If the answer is no, then you absolutely must rethink your demand—at least, if you want to find a man who doesn’t have serious “beat me, whip me” issues. You need to abandon the idea that making a man crawl is worth anything beyond a funny girls-night-out story. When setting standards, make them about mutual respect.

dating diary

…I had heard that Bobby was down on women because he had a girlfriend who had hurt him very badly years ago. I decided I’d be the one to heal him, and pursued him wholeheartedly. When he stood me up to be with his friends, I got angry. But then he’d apologize, saying his old girlfriend never let him go out with his friends, and that he figured I was different. When we ended up sitting around his house watching TV instead of going out to dinner because he blew his budget on some tech toy or sporting event, he made it all better by saying it was so nice to have a girl (unlike his former girlfriend) who didn’t pressure him to be out all the time. At the end of two months, I realized I respected his ex-girlfriend a whole lot more than him and bailed.

Just one look and…that’s all it took, right? C’mon now. Can you really base a commitment (let alone a credit-card-busting wedding) on Cupid’s invisible arrows or love-energy vibes that transfer through your eyes? Believing in love at first sight not only rules out guys you may find a spark with by spending quality time together, but it also absolves you of having to work too hard on the relationship (hey, if forces beyond your control put you together, then they must be capable of making love disappear too, right?).

Your mission possible: Next time you click with someone from across the room, do go over to say hello, but not before you give that interesting guy you were just talking to your number. As for the stories from couples who say they “just knew” he or she was “the one” from the moment they met, I respond, “That’s just what Billy Bob and Angelina Jolie said!”

Be honest. Behind all that sweetness and caring is a woman who wants to be worshipped and appreciated for all her sacrifice. Unfortunately, you’re dealing with men, not stray animals. (When will we ever stop comparing men to dogs? My dog has never been disloyal to me!) Most real men want to feel like they can take care of themselves, and their women…Well, they may accept a woman taking care of them, but when they get on their feet, they’ll want a woman who hasn’t seen them at their worst. Fact: Men who live off their women without paying rent, who borrow money and cars, who are willing to watch them leave for work in the morning while they sit around being “creative,” are men with a gigolo agenda and are not worth your time.

Your mission possible: Make a commitment to yourself that the next time you start a relationship, the man has to have as much going on as you do in your life. The more you respect yourself, the more he will respect you.

If you’re truly interested in having a real relationship, then you must spend some quality time building up a relationship with yourself. (Get your mind out of the top bedroom drawer already! Getting to know you doesn’t necessarily mean getting to know what makes you “Ooo!” It means that you need to figure out what it is that you want and need from life to be happy on your own and then, using that as a blueprint, to think about what you want someone to bring to that world to enhance it.)

Your mission possible: Make a commitment to spend one month—just 30 days—avoiding hook-ups, instead concentrating on what you like to do, whether it’s reading, spending time with friends, or finally figuring out exactly what that stove is for in your kitchen (I’m still working on that one). Take this month to pamper yourself, indulge in things that interest you, and be aware of what makes you happy. On the 31st day, with all this self-awareness fresh in your mind, sit down and make a list of what you deserve from a boyfriend (love, respect, the willingness to get up in the middle of the night to find a 24-hour drugstore when you’re sick). Then, make a list of the last five or six guys you dated and see if any of them even comes close to matching that first list.

Don’t let this wake-up call make you feel like you’ve wasted valuable time. Instead, allow yourself to feel fantastic that you devoted time to redirecting your energy. Put your “What I Want from a Boyfriend” list in a place where you’re always bound to be reminded by it.

It’s always helpful to date a guy who your parents and friends actually think is worthy of you. However, if you don’t start basing your choices on something more important—your feelings—your relationships will be doomed to fail. They may not realize it immediately, but most guys eventually figure out when a woman is just going through the motions. Think about how awful you would feel if you found out that a guy you cared for deeply was only around to make his mommy happy. It’s time to put your feelings ahead of everyone else’s opinions.

Your mission possible: If you meet a guy you like, shove thoughts of “mom would hate him” right out of your head. As a matter of fact, do not introduce any guy to your family or friends until you are sure that he means enough to you that you’ll stand up for the both of you. In the end, you’ll know who truly has your best interests at heart—the family and friends who are simply happy that you’re happy.

If you’re like most Money Honeys, you already know that dating based solely on the size of a man’s wallet is a huge gamble. You’ll also probably not care until you are slightly older and realize that the competition for the rich dudes is looking a whole lot fresher than you do. For those of you who are tired of the bling flings, I encourage you to have a different view of what success is.

Your mission possible: Look for the guy who loves his job, has a really great work ethic, and doesn’t make money his calling card because he has so much character that he doesn’t have to. Besides—in a shaky economic climate, there are no guarantees that the millionaire you met this afternoon won’t end up on the unemployment roster two days before your wedding.

Been there, and it’s ugly. It’s time for you to drop out of the dating pool and allow your trusted friends and family members (and, in extreme cases, counseling) to help you put the past behind you.

Your mission possible: First, let them know you’re ready to approach dating in a different way and encourage them to give you a short list of things they think are terrific about you. Then, ask friends who have seen the guys who put you through the wringer help you identify the type you usually go for; being aware of normal patterns is your first step toward breaking them. Finally, as you ease back into the dating scene, take steps to make sure the relationship progresses slowly. If the relationship feels like it’s becoming serious, you absolutely must find some time to sit down and tell him that you sometimes have trust issues, but that you are working on them and hope that he will understand when you sometimes question things he does. I did the very same thing with my husband when we were dating. He later told me that knowing how I felt, he found himself being that much more thoughtful when considering blowing off a call or going out with the boys.

RelationTip: If you start talking about future plans and your man changes the subject, he’s sending a message you should pay attention to—even if you don’t want to.

Recognizing your behavior patterns is a great start on the road to knowing what makes you Dateworthy. Now that you know yourself a little better, it’s time to start scoping out what makes a guy Dateworthy. Love—and lust—is blind, so here’s a seeing-eye guy guide to start your quest for (as perfectly said in that immortal rock classic) a lover who won’t drive you crazy.

The Non-Negotiables are the absolute, bare-bones, essential character traits every guy you date must have. It’s the gold medal standard of the Dating Olympics, and before you even contemplate a second date, he must score at least a 9.9 (perfect 10 would be great, but you know how the French judges are).

He’s honest. Without honesty, there’s no trust, which is the foundation of every successful relationship. The last thing you want to do is be with a guy you feel you have to keep tabs on 24/7, or worse…who drives you to do things like check through his wallet and pockets because he’s got a history of not telling the truth…particularly the whole truth.

He’s loyal. If he isn’t loyal to friends and family, you can bet he isn’t about to change for the better for you. A guy who knows how to be loyal—a quality that means he can be counted on to stay true to things he’s committed to—often knows how to be emotionally and sexually exclusive.

He respects you. When a man respects you, very often it’s because he appreciates and shares your values and ethics system, which is crucial to relationship compatibility.

He contacts you regularly. Know that feeling you get when you are mad for someone and where almost everything reminds you of him? Same thing for a guy, and in this day of cell phones, text messaging, and e-mails, the only real reason for not hearing from him is simply because you were not on the brain—or in the heart.

The Negotiables are the things that are important but aren’t absolute, set-in-stone requirements. They are traits that will enhance your compatibility but also leave a little bit of breathing room with respect to interpretation. For example, you and he both have different ideas about what makes for a “comfortable living.” That’s a positive Negotiable issue that both of you can work through. On the flip side: You and he both have different ideas about saving money—you do, he doesn’t. This becomes a negative Negotiable…and for me, one that, unless he’s willing to get some credit counseling, I’m not willing to take a chance on.

Education. You’re Ivy League, he’s strictly community college. But while some of your stuffy friends may look down their noses at his lack of degree, getting through school was a chore for you; he, however, reads the classics and the New York Times because it’s fun. What’s key here is that you are intellectually matched to the point that you get each other’s jokes and can discuss and debate current events with each other and socially.

Finance. You want to be in the corner office, he’s content to make his money at a lesser-paying job he loves with minimal stress. While you may think it’s important to have someone who is just as ambitious as you are, what’s truly the key financial issue is that you share similar ideas of how to spend and save.

Cultural/religious beliefs. You don’t have to be the same ethnicity, color, or religion (although your family might disagree); not sharing the same cultural background should not be a major concern. Sharing a mutual respect for each other’s customs, however, and a willingness to share those traditions, should be. (This is especially true when it comes to children. It’s imperative to be direct about any Non-Negotiable issue with regards to raising the children a certain way—for example, in the Catholic Church—in this otherwise Negotiable topic.)

The Non-Essentials are the things that many women find attractive but are only as important as deciding whether you agree with People magazine’s newest pick for Sexiest Man Alive. If it’s not listed among the Non-Negotiables or Negotiables, it shouldn’t be your top consideration when deciding whether someone’s Dateworthy. Here are the top three, however, that a huge percentage of my female readers seem to fall for every time.

He’s a great dresser or dancer. I can’t believe how many letters I’ve received where it’s the first thing a woman mentions about why she went out with a man. (No wonder John Travolta continues to be such a phenom!)

He’s an incredibly hot commodity. Far too many women base their self-worth on bagging the cutest or the richest guy in the neighborhood.

He cooks. Think it’s only men who have a direct path to their hearts via their stomachs? Guess again. Women are nurturers; they think that a man who cooks is not only sensitive and caring, but that he’d make a great dad. Reality check: That your man knows his way around a stove is a great perk, but his first qualifications for filling the job as your significant other should be skills such as honesty, loyalty, and respect!

dating diary

Chris was this gorgeous hunk I was stark raving mad about. I gave him my number at his part-time job at the hardware store (I scrawled a note that I attached to a can of Coke. I knew he always had one at noon.) He said he’d try to call and didn’t; I called him at home later, and he was sweet and apologetic, saying he hadn’t had a chance to call but was going to later. I kept calling each following day until my mother finally intervened.

“Why are you making excuses for his not calling?”

“Well, because I know that if he didn’t like me, he wouldn’t be so nice when I did get him on the phone.”

“He’s nice because his mother taught him right. Think a second. You know how there are boys who call here and you tell me to tell them you’re not home? And then you never call them back, and if they catch you on the phone, you’re very sweet and have an excuse why you didn’t call? And then, if it’s a guy you’re crazy about, you always find a way to call back?”

I said nothing. I knew where this was going.

“Well,” she continued, “When you really, really like someone, you always make time in your day to talk to them.”

I used to hate it when Mom was right. I still do. But I’m smart enough to know good Portuguese wisdom when I hear it.

Guess what? You’ve just completed your very first baby steps taking you from “worse” to so much better. So let’s recap:

But we’ve only just begun! Let’s take a look at other changeable “It’s you” behaviors that we can fix, working toward the goal of knowing that when he says, “It’s not you, it’s…me,” you’ll have to agree!

And know what I think you’re going to love the most? The work ahead isn’t full of all kinds of confusing psychological dating double-talk. It’s straightforward, from the trenches, lived-it-and-learned-it-because-I-wasn’t-in-grad-school-but-dating-up-a-storm stuff that I think will be easy to immediately implement in your dating toolbox.

CHAPTER 1