Chapter 2: Recognizing Rebounds and Reruns

• Depression (yeah, like I’ve got to explain that one to you and that Häagen-Dazs container);

After I caught Jazz cheating on me yet again, soon after I had forgiven him, I immediately jumped into a relationship with Sam.

Sam . . . had a great Trans Am. And he was very cute and had been pursuing me for ages. We didn’t really share any of the same interests, but I really liked getting out—and making sure we stopped at places where I knew Jazz would be so that he could see me.

He saw me, all right. And one night he was so drunk, he threw a glass at us. And Sam said, “You know, I really like you a lot, but . . . not enough to be in the line of fire.” And I actually told him that if he didn’t think I was worth dealing with danger, he could go. And he did.

At the time, I was so convinced that my showing off had everything to do with being extremely happy to be with this great guy . . . when, truth be told, I shouldn’t have gone anywhere near a new guy until I got over the old.

For the dumped: I know you thought things were going so well. They weren’t for him, however, and now it’s over. During this stage, you’ll fantasize and fight for your right to get back together. You may even find yourself in a really ugly place, willing to beg and stalk to get him back. Now is the time when you absolutely need to Enlist to Resist. This is a strategy that calls for your getting some trusted, caring friends and family members in place whom you can call or instant message to help you resist giving in to those and other destructive urges (including heading out in your pajamas to load up on junk food).

For the dumper: Believe it or not, doing the deed does not discharge you from denial. What happens here is that you second-guess yourself, especially if you hear about or actually witness your ex holding hands with a girl who you may feel is the total upgrade of you.

When you are going to be the dumper, you have the advantage of knowing ahead of time that there will be tough times ahead, so you should Pre-Enlist to Resist. First, make a list of all the reasons why the guy you plan to stop dating was completely undateworthy. Next, supply that list to everyone who you think will be on your on-call-for-support roster. Finally, encourage them to read this list to you every time you have a long night spent alone—to keep you from feeling so desperate for company that you end up going back to what was essentially a bad habit.

RelationTip: To conquer that “I must call or visit him” feeling you may have, take out your calendar or date book and write out an “appointment” to see him first thing tomorrow. You’ll calm yourself for the moment knowing you can see him the next day. The next morning, you’ll be rested and strong enough to cross it off your calendar.

For the dumped: You’ve realized that yes, he really did kick you to the curb, and you wonder, “How could this have happened to me?” Big hugs to you, sweetie. I know how hard it is to have a broken heart, to feel like you weren’t pretty enough or smart enough or just someone he wanted enough. It hurts so bad that you cannot believe you will ever, ever feel confident in your ability to be in a relationship again.

This is the time when you will be at your most vulnerable for the rebound, the temptation to leap into another relationship as quickly as possible. The need to get involved with someone who will compliment you, make you feel beautiful or desired, to override the feeling of rejection is extremely powerful. This moment is where your Enlist to Resist frontline of friends and family really pays off.

Let them help you find things to do on your now-open weekends. Talk about how you feel, but don’t forget to listen to them when they tell you their stories of the times when they got through the feelings of desertion and rejection you are facing. Don’t be ashamed to allow them to pump up your ego with their thoughts about why you are truly a great catch. And remind yourself that with friends and family who are this concerned about you, you are so worthy of someone else’s love, respect, and devotion.

This is definitely not the time to analyze what you did to contribute to the end, but to nurture your mind, body, and spirit. Now is the time to remind yourself that the package that is you—your looks, your mind, your accomplishments, your sense of fun—isn’t what caused the breakup…rather, what changed was what he needed in the relationship.

RelationTip: Grief shared is grief diminished.

For the dumper: Who would’ve thought that you would’ve missed all those things that irritated you to the point of wanting to scream? Or that, for some reason, you actually cannot remember why you thought you’d be better off without him? Or worse…guilt or uncertainty because being on your own feels so darn lonely?

Stage Two is a particularly tough time for the dumper. Sure, you are very aware that after someone dumps you, you could be a rebounder. When you are the one doing the dumping, however, it’s so easy to fool yourself into thinking that since you took charge to discharge, you are obviously okay to move on and into another relationship.

That’s soooo wrong, especially if the reason why you did the dumping is because you were hurt or betrayed.

Let’s be honest. “Good-bye” is a sad word. Shakespeare had it right when he had Juliet say, “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” It’s true—even though you knew the relationship had to end, there is still a lingering sense of unpleasantness or regret that things didn’t work out.

Until you have taken a time-out to resolve the whys and what-ifs of your last relationship, the chances that you will be caught up in a rebound situation are almost certain. I’m sure it’s easy to grasp that concept if your dumping decision was reached due to distasteful behavior on his part; how, if he lied or cheated or abused you, you are likely to bring all those hurt, distrustful feelings into a new relationship. (Technically, in that case, it’s important to recognize that you were dumped before you did the actual dumping.)

What’s harder to spot is your potential for rebound behavior when you dumped someone purely based on feelings of, “He’s such a nice guy, but not my kind of nice guy.” It was one of those moments when saying, “It’s not you…it’s me,” (translation: “You can’t help it if I’m bored by you.”) made you feel liberated and ready for love, exciting and new.

But here’s the trap: Without doing the work of figuring out exactly what you need from a guy to not be bored, you’ll be rebounding off that Love Boat in no time flat—a waste of your time and his.

Instead of diving into a relationship with someone, now is the time to rebuild the one with yourself, to figure out what the heck moves you and motivates you to fall for someone. It’s the perfect time to call up all the friends on your Enlist to Resist team and get their input about what they see as your strengths and good points and what they think you ought to look for in a guy.

RelationTip: Surviving depression is all about thriving. As you spend time bonding with friends and getting reacquainted with the activities you didn’t have time to do before, you’ll find you won’t need a romance to revive your spirit.

When I broke up with Mitchell, it was with complete confidence that he was so not Dateworthy. That was, until I saw him with Felicia, who was one of those popular girls with perfectly winged hair who sprouted breasts before any of us were out of training bras. At that moment, I spun into a spiral of self-doubt: If she likes him…and she can have anybody…did I perhaps miss something? Could he have been the love of my life, and I just didn’t wait long enough to see it?

I worked at a Hallmark store then and used my discount to send him funny, flirty cards. I called him just to tell him I was thinking about him. I bought Alice Cooper albums (not a fan, but Mitchell was) and quoted some lyrics in notes I left in his locker.

Fachrissake, had I put this much work into math, I might’ve gotten better than a 68, but I digress…

So, I got him back. Took him away from the fabulous Felicia. He was all mine.

Yup. Got back the smoker-breath, the blaring Alice tapes in the car (“Whaddya mean turn it down? You can’t listen to a genius with the music down.”), the racial jokes.

I ended it. Felicia forgave him.

Wow…she took that back?

Perhaps I saw more of an upgrade than there really was.

For the dumped: You couldn’t believe it was over, and then you dealt with the pain and lack of self-confidence from wondering why you weren’t enough for him.

I’m so proud of you that you allowed yourself to experience and work through that heartache. Dealing with it head-on is the only way you can prevent it from twisting and turning into something that will affect your life and decisions down the road.

The good news? You’ve stopped inflicting pain on yourself and beating yourself up and taking the blame for something that takes two to make it right.

The bad news is that once you get past feeling sorry, it’s very normal to start getting angry that this nobody dared to break your heart.

Anger is a powerful rebound tool—it makes you jump into a relationship just to show that you can, and very often, it’s with someone you figure will make your ex extremely upset. That kind of rebound behavior is not only hurtful to the guy you essentially use, but hurtful to your reputation.

To get through this stage, engage your Enlist to Resist group. Let them know that you are in “Why did this happen?” mode, and ask them for help with a get-a-grip project: Ask them to write a Do Not Apply personals ad for you. Their task: to write out an ad that highlights the not-so-great qualities of the last few men you dated. Encourage them to be incredibly honest about what they see are critical characteristics that aren’t right for you. Then turn that passion that is currently anger into something productive: determination not to be duped or dumped again. Yes, we both know there’s no guarantee that you won’t ever be dumped again, but at the very least, most likely it won’t be by a guy who fits the Do Not Apply list your friends will help you compile.

For the dumper: If you dumped for any reason other than he treated you despicably, then most likely you won’t experience much anger. After the sadness (and some thought process about your needs and wants in the next relationship), you’ll probably be ready to reenter the dating arena.

However, if you were forced into dumper mode because you were devastated, be prepared that this angry stage could turn you into the very villain you just unloaded. In an effort to regain some sense of control and power over your unresolved hurts, it’s the anger—not you—that takes control, leaving you powerless to make very good decisions. The result? You will attract Rescuer types whom you will then walk all over, ultimately losing respect for them and for yourself for becoming a “hurt before you get hurt” kind of person.

Avoid the rebound, tapping into your Enlist to Resist squad. Vent to your friends and family. Let them know how angry you are about how you were hurt. And then ask them to help you write a Do Not Apply personal ad. The more they can list destructive qualities that they’ve witnessed in past boyfriends, the more empowered—in a positive way—you’ll feel to change the course of your dating future.

I had gone through a serious spell of being dumped after two or three great dates, and it was so frustrating. And disheartening. The worst part was that I wasn’t even formally dumped—all dating parties involved just disappeared, never to be seen or heard from again.

One night, I was out with my friends when this guy totally caught my eye. I went right up to him and invited him and his friends to our table.

As we all talked, it was pretty obvious to everyone around me that I was all about Ross. My friends tried to warn me that they didn’t think he was right for me, but I didn’t want to hear it.

We went out a few times. One night we did some serious whipped cream body shot activities. We woke up the next morning, laughing at the terrible stink in the room (now there’s a RelationTip for ya: whipped cream + warm bodies + several hours time lapse = yuck). We talked about his picking me up on my birthday the following evening. He left. Never called. I couldn’t get a hold of him. My birthday was on an Easter weekend, and all my friends were away. I spent it alone, by the phone, with a turkey sandwich, watching Viva Las Vegas on my 13-inch black-and-white TV.

After I told my friends my pathetic story, one of them said, “Well, we tried to tell you not to date him…”

And I said, “You know what? Telling me not to date him and explaining exactly what it is I need to look for are two different things. Why don’t you tell me why you knew he was a jerk?”

And she did. And so did my other two friends. And we started laughing, calling it our “looking for love in all the wrong faces” list.

The next time I met a guy, that night was in my head. And my heart remained firmly off my sleeve.

This stage is also known as, “It happened, but I know I will live to love again.” You’ll feel that you will live if you lose again. You’ll be inspired to put on your mom’s old Gloria Gaynor record and dance around and sing at the top of your lungs, “I will survive.”

Whether you were the dumped or the dumper, if you are here, you are not only ready to explore the dating waters again—you can do so with the confidence that you are out of rebound mode, and that you have learned enough about the rebound to recognize the tendency in others.

At this point, you should definitely include dating in your social repertoire. Just make sure that you take things slowly, and go out without the intention of starting something serious. (The last thing you need is to put your hopes and heart on the line, be rejected, and find your self-confidence plummeting you back a stage.) Go into it with the mindset that you are going to have fun, make a new friend, and have an adventure.

As you explore new relationships, don’t forget to keep in mind some of the things your Enlist to Resist group told you with respect to the bad traits of men you have dated…so that you can avoid the rerun romance.

You know when you date the same kind of guy over and over? When you realize that even though the names and faces change, somehow the story ends up playing out the same?

If so, then it’s a sure sign that you are in a syndication situation, or what I affectionately call the Rerun Relationship Rut.

It’s very easy to get caught up in the rerun. To once again fall for that guy who stinks at the Non-Negotiables (severely lacking in the ability to be honest, loyal, respectful, or leap tall buildings in a single bound to be with you). You know it’s a really destructive “It’s you” behavior, yet…somehow…like Al Pacino in Godfather III, every time you think you’re out, you get pulled back in.

I know what you’re thinking. Something like, “Well, I can’t help it if I have a certain type that I go for…” And then, you follow that with an “oh well” shoulder shrug. Maybe even a sigh.

I’m thinking that until you wipe that shrug and “he’s my type” helplessness out of your dating mindset, you will be doomed to cast the same leading man over and over again in your life.

Let’s take a look at the two typecasting situations people fall into and how you can grab the controls to cancel those reruns. Think “pilot season,” with you in the director’s seat!

You know I’m not saying that it’s not okay for you to give in to an overwhelming attraction to certain physical characteristics. Whether it’s big, beefy boys; bespectacled, gadget geeks; or Latin-lover lookers, we all have that visual something that turns us on and tunes us in to that weak-in-the-knees feeling. As a matter of fact, if certain physical attributes are what it takes to motivate you to take action and make a move to introduce yourself, I say, girl, go for it—and for goodness sake, don’t trip on the way over there!

What I am saying, however, is that when every guy you date looks like he could be related to your last boyfriend, your friends never introduce you to anyone who doesn’t meet your “type” standards, and you walk into a room with blinders on to any guy except the usual type suspects, then your physical type “excuse” is, in reality, a bad, very limiting relationship rerun behavior.

There are, however, ways for you to get over your physical type-casting tendencies. To think out of the bias box:

Look for a package deal. Now, stop that. You know I didn’t mean for you to check out his package. What I’m saying is, instead of focusing on just one physical ideal, make a list of ten visual qualities that you love in order of preference. If he has three out of ten, he gets a shot.

Look with your ears. Yes, women are visually stimulated (hel-looooo, Johnny Depp!). But we’re also advanced enough to see the not-so-obvious beauty in a guy who can make us laugh and feel appreciated. The next time a not-your-type guy approaches you with great conversation, listen and look carefully—you may notice that while he doesn’t have blue eyes, his brown eyes are still deep enough to get lost in.

Look for a friendship. Very often, visual stimulation makes you get too physical, too fast, and trust me—no matter how amazing someone is to look at across the table, if the only thing he has is gazeability, dating is doomed. If you meet a guy who is awesome to be with and talk to, though he’s not necessarily your type, hang out and see what develops. I did that with this dark, 6’5”, 275-pound giant teddy bear of a man (sooooo not Johnny Depp), and I ended up with a husband in June 2004!

The physical recast—not too hard to do, and actually…kind of fun, when you think about how you’ve just opened up a whole new world of leading men. Now let’s take a look at another, more insidious rerun.

…Ahhh, Jeff. Blonde, blue eyes, on the football team, and every girl wanted to be his homecoming queen. I didn’t much care for his smug attitude, but he was totally hot, and when he asked me out, I pushed aside his constant criticism about what I wore and comparisons with other girls about my looks, and worked hard to live up to my role as his chosen girlfriend. At his request, I never made plans so that I’d always be available when he called. One night, he canceled on me, and, bored, I called up a friend to go out. As we arrived at the bar, I spotted Jeff’s car in the parking lot…and Jeff passionately swapping spit with another girl inside. The worst part? When I walked over, he looked up, said, “You’re supposed to be home,” and continued the make-out session.

…Ahhh, David. Tall, dark, and handsome, and the local stud legend at the Palms Club. Every girl wanted to be the legend’s lady. I didn’t care much for his smug attitude, but he was totally hot, and when he asked me out, I pushed aside his constant criticism about what I wore and comparisons with other girls about my looks, and worked hard to live up to my role as his chosen girlfriend…Cut to the chase: I took a different route home from work one night, saw his car at a friend of mine’s house, stopped by…Sound familiar? It was the first time I ever saw Twister played that way…

…Ahhh, Chris. He was in a band, totally charismatic, so cute that he had a huge female following. Every girl wanted to be the next subject of one of his ballads…Yup, you know the rest.

You know you’re allergic to dogs, but you still picked up the pup because it was just too cute not to. Everyone else was ordering ice cream cones and you didn’t want to feel left out so you went for it, knowing that later that night you’d be doubled over in gastric agony.

You knew it’d make you say “never again,” but you went for it anyway, knowing that you’ve already learned how to deal with the tortuous outcome. When this it-hurts-so-bad-but-feels-so-right-right-now judgment call comes to play with guys, the intolerant tolerance is in full swing.

Most of us know within the first twenty minutes of talking to a guy whether there’s something “familiar” about him (“I feel like we’ve known each other forever already!”). Yet, even as we pinpoint that he has a lot of qualities as an ex that we used to really, really care about, we forget that this was also the ex that caused the most misery. (We also forget that while our butts looked fabulous after losing all that break-up weight, the face in the mirror looking back was sad, gaunt, and haunted—anything but Dateworthy.)

• You can immediately identify who this guy reminds you of—and usually, more than one name comes to mind.

• You feel comfortable, in a sick sort of way, with the idea that you know this game—and don’t need to challenge yourself to want better.

This type of rerun behavior is actually the scarier of the two. Being able to build up a tolerance for a man’s absolutely intolerant—read: Non-Negotiable—actions could mean serious self-esteem loss for you.

And that, my dear, is not something you can easily shrug off. Actually, this calls for shoulders-back, head-held-high, chock-full-o-determination tactics, such as:

Figure out the source. In order to understand why you are drawn to certain guys over and over again, you need to figure out who they remind you of. People often gravitate to what they’ve known before in their lives. Whether it’s an overly critical dad or a needy first love, there’s definitely a connection between how you felt about someone important in your life and the way they treated you. Once you pinpoint that person, make a list of their good and bad qualities so that you have a personality checklist you can be conscious of.

Enlist to Resist. As I mentioned earlier, knowing what’s bad for you—and choosing to embrace it just one more time—is a bad thing. Now that you’re aware, you need to enlist those friends and other forces of good in your life to help you stay strong when you find yourself slipping.

Try the patience diet. If choosing what’s good for you all the time was easy, do you think that dieting would be a billion-dollar industry? Healthy dating choices take time, effort, and patience. Understand that you won’t be attracted to a new type of guy right away and that the first few times you try to date someone unlike anyone you’ve ever known (you know…respectful, kind, thoughtful, that kind of thing), it’s going to feel like you’re forcing it. Well, that’s because you are. It ain’t easy to eat healthy after years of junk food. Be aware, be patient, and eventually you will find your tastes changing.

RelationTip: Building up a tolerance for intolerable guy behaviors means allowing yourself to be controlled by a dating situation instead of controlling it.

Two of the hardest things to recognize—and reject—are rebound and rerun patterns. However, they are truly key “It’s you” behaviors that you will need to face head-on in order to establish your relationship readiness—and your ability to be choosier about the choices you make in men.

And speaking of being choosy—let’s move on to make sure you get you on board without going overboard!

CHAPTER 2