CHAPTER 25

Maverick

 

Molly, my brothers, and I decided that we wanted to go see our mother together. So two days after we found out about her, the four of us climbed into my truck and sat in silence the entire drive, our thoughts loud enough to overpower any actual conversation regardless. If it wasn’t for them being with me, I’d have turned around and never made it.

But we did make it.

“I’m nervous.” Molly finally broke the quiet as we stood in the parking lot staring up at the brick building in desperate need of some landscaping. It was the only thing separating us from our mother, and so far, nobody had made the first move to head inside.

“Me, too.” Wilder agreed. “I don’t know why.”

Hunter grunted. “This is fuckin’ awful.” He looked at the hospice center and shivered. “I can’t believe this is how it’s gonna go down after all these years.”

“Right?” Molly agreed. “I was hoping if I ever saw her again, I’d be able to yell at her and tell her what a horrible person she was, but now I won’t be able to do that, and it makes me feel like a horrible person that I could even think about that right now.”

I wrapped my arm around my little sister’s shoulder in a show of support. “You’re not a horrible person for thinking that because I’m pretty sure the rest of us had that thought as well. I know I have.”

My brothers nodded, and Wilder spoke up. “If it weren’t for you guys coming with me, I don’t know if I’d have even made the trip by myself.” He rubbed his hands down his face. “Now that makes me a horrible person.”

“It doesn’t, Wild. Because I thought the same thing as well.” Hunter spoke his support.

“Me, too,” I added. “I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to feel about this. As long as we’ve got each other, we’ll get through it.”

“For the record,” Molly shrugged and crossed her arms. “I wouldn’t judge any of y’all if you backed out.”

A collective rumble of agreement seemed to echo around us, and when nobody else spoke up, I knew I needed to do what I always did. It was time for me to take charge and be the leader, the big brother everyone looked to for strength. I straightened my shoulders and started walking. “Come on. Let’s go.” I led them inside, and after we signed in, we were directed to a room down the hall. I dug deeper than I ever had before to stay brave for my siblings even though I wanted to run away like a little baby. When we reached the door, I turned the knob without blinking and then went in first.

My mom didn’t even turn her head, and if I wasn’t told that this was her room, I wouldn’t have recognized her. The last time I saw her, her hair was long, thick, and dark, not gray, dry, and thin. When she left, she was full-figured, but right then, she was skin and bones. Her skin used to be tan and smooth, not pale and discolored.

I stood next to her bed and touched her hand, and she opened her eyes… cloudy gray eyes that used to be bright blue like mine found me, and I choked on emotion. “Hi, Mom.”

“Maverick…” she whispered. “You’re so handsome.”

“Everyone else is here, too.” I turned to see Molly standing in the corner with silent tears rolling down her cheeks, Wilder was blinking rapidly to fight back his tears, and Hunter’s eyes were glassy, but his jaw was clenched tight. “We all came to see you.”

She smiled and tried to sit up but fell back down. I reached behind her and pressed gently on her back, surprised at just how thin she was. “Is that better?” I asked as I shoved a pillow behind her.

“Yes. Thank you.” She took a moment to study her children, marveling at each one before she started weeping. But it was weird. It was like she didn’t even have tears left to cry, yet she made the noises. “I’m so sorry for leaving you.”

“Why did you?” Molly asked. Her voice was trembling, and she could barely speak, but she still asked what we all wanted to know.

Wilder put his arm around her and pulled her next to him where she leaned against him for support… and he did the same for her, needing every ounce of strength he could get.

“I… I…” she struggled for a breath but kept going. “I was selfish. There is no other ex… explanation. You know my daddy used to beat me, and your dad saved me from th… that. I had kids so incredibly young, and after a while, with four of you and your dad working so much, I just felt trapped and lost, and I left thinking that would fill the void I lived with.” She started coughing, and I reached over for her water and handed her the cup. She took a small sip and gave it back. “Still taking care of ev… everyone, I see?”

“I want to be mad at you.” I couldn’t hold back what I was feeling any longer and needed to get it out. “I really thought if I ever saw you again, I’d be angry.”

“It’s okay if you are. I’m mad at myself. I deserve your anger.”

“I’m not, though.”

She closed her eyes, and when she took a breath, her lungs wheezed. “You should be.”

“No offense, but you have no right to tell me how to feel.”

“I’m not trying to do that.”

“Good.”

Hunter came to stand next to me, sensing that I was at my breaking point. “Why didn’t you ever call? Or send a damn postcard?”

“Do y’all want the truth?”

“Yes,” Hunter answered for all of us. “Not only do we want it, but I’m pretty sure we deserve it.”

She wheezed as she breathed. “For the first time in my life, I felt free after I left. I was having fun and enjoying life in a way I never had before.”

Molly made a gagging sound. “Seriously?”

“Oh, it was a mistake, though. It… it was fun for a while, and I fought every feeling of guilt with the justification that I deserved some time to myself after everything I’d sacrificed for you kids. I tried to blame your father because being angry was easier than admitting how sad I was. But as soon as the rush of freedom went away, I regretted it. And by th… then I knew enough time had passed that… that y’all wouldn’t forgive me. I didn’t expect you to. Even if you did, it would only cause y’all more grief, so I figured it would be best if I just stayed away and that y’all were better off without me. I didn’t want to make it worse.”

I really tried to understand where she was coming from, but it still didn’t make sense. “Did you ever love us?”

“Of course I did, Maverick. You kids were my world.”

“I have two daughters. Twins. They’re the absolute loves of my life. You would have to kill me to take me away from them. I know they feel the same way about their kids,” Wilder angled his head at the rest of us. “So sorry, but if you really loved us, then you wouldn’t have left, or at the very least, you’d have checked in every once in a while.”

“I did. I do love you all. And I can’t tell you how… how sorry I am. But what I said is the truth, and it’s not your fault I felt the way I did. I have no excuse for what I did, and by the time I realized how big of a mistake I made, it was too late. I honestly thought y’all were better off without me and any interruptions I’d have brought to your life had I come back. I wish there was a more elaborate excuse or something I could say to justify my actions, but there’s not. I don’t… I don’t expect you to accept my reasons, but they’re the truth, and if I can give you one more thing before I go, it’s that.”

“Why even call dad then? Why not just die alone and leave us be?”

Mom blinked, and a tear did come out that time. “Because I’m going to die soon, and selfishly I wanted to see y’all one more time so I could apologize. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I wanted y’all to know what I did wasn’t your fault. You were gr… great kids, and I was so incredibly lucky. Blessed beyond belief. I made the biggest mistake of my life when I left, and I hope that me telling you that gives you at a minimum some closure. At most, I pray it gives you peace.”

“I don’t like what you’re saying, and I don’t agree with your choices, but before you left, you were a great mother, and that’s why it hurt so much to lose you.” Hunter came over and took her hand. “I hate what you did to Dad and to us, but I don’t want you to die thinking we hate you. We had more good times than bad, and until you’re no longer with us, I want you to think about those… I know that’s what I’ll remember you by.”

She cried in earnest, and Wilder walked around to the other side of the bed and pulled up a chair. “Do you want to see a picture of your granddaughters?”

“More than anything,” she whispered.

I reached behind me for Molly’s hand, and she took it, squeezing tight. “Show her the picture of all of them together,” she said through trembling lips. “I’m sure it’ll bring back memories of all of us as kids.”

Mom lifted her head and found Molly’s eyes, and when her shoulders slumped in regret and heartbreak, Molly ripped her hand away and rushed to the bedside. She hesitated for a moment before our mom lifted her frail arms, and then it was over. Molly sobbed as Hunter rested his hand on her back, and Wilder reached over and did the same. I only took a step forward when Mom held her hand out for me, and when my hand folded over hers, I held on as tight as I could… for as long as I could.

And when I finally let go, I did it with a sense of peace I’d take to my grave, and I knew she’d take to hers… unfortunately, that day was coming soon. So while we had her, with unspoken words, my siblings and I told her all about what she’d missed.

We all cried some more, but they weren’t tears of anger. They were bittersweet. And while it was the most emotional and gut-wrenching thing I’d ever done, I was so glad I did it. Because we had plans to bring the kids to meet her in a couple of days, but the next morning, we got the call that she died in her sleep.

* * *

I didn’t have any idea why I decided to come here, but as I stood on the front step of Brenda’s house, I knew it was where I needed to be. She pulled the door open, and when she saw me, her eyes got big. “Hi.”

“I just got done burying my mother, and it fucking sucked. Everything about her leaving and what it did to me sucked. I couldn’t imagine being a little girl and not having my mother in my life, and Dixie Mae’s strong, but she’s also smart. She knows you hurt her, and she struggles with it the only way a little girl knows how. But you’re still her mom, and fuck me if I’m the reason she misses out on a life with you in it. I’m going to talk to my lawyer, then I’m going to talk to Dixie Mae. If…” I held my finger up when she opened her mouth to speak. “If Dixie Mae wants to see you, I’ll see what we can work out. But I’m going to make you prove yourself, Brenda. It won’t be easy, and you probably won’t like my demands, but if you want to see your daughter again, I suggest you take whatever scraps I’m offering because it’s all you’ll get.”

“I’ll do anything.”

I dipped my chin. “I’ll be in touch.”

“Thank you,” she cried. “Thank you so much. I promise I’ll do whatever you want. I just want to see my daughter.”

“Don’t fuck this up. It’s your absolute last chance.”

She nodded. “I won’t. And Maverick, I’m sorry about your mom.”

“Me, too.” I tossed my fingers over my shoulder and then got in my truck, where Cricket was waiting in the passenger seat.

As soon as I slammed the door and took off, she reached over and rested her hand on my leg. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know, but the only thing that makes me think I will be is you.”

“I haven’t done anything, Mav—”

“You’re here,” I barked. “You’re here, and that’s all I need. You’re all I need to get through anything.”

She scooted over and rested her head on my shoulder. “We’ll get through it together. I promise.”

“I know we will.” Because nothing in the world could separate us now, absolutely nothing.