Nick was lighting the barbecue when the first knock came to the door. He looked at Michelle and exhaled. The shake in his hands was bad despite having taken his medication. Michelle rubbed his arm and disappeared inside the house. He looked up at the sky – overcast – what did they expect, having a barbecue in early November? Earlier, he’d swept up the leaves and dusted off the garden furniture, which hadn’t had much use that summer. As long as it didn’t rain, he thought; out here in the air, it was better. He wasn’t sure how he would be if he were trapped in the house with their visitors – with Caitlin.
There was silence for what couldn’t have been more than two minutes after Michelle had gone inside the house. Nick took seven deep breaths, standing by the barbecue, eyes closed. He’d just reached six on his outward breath when he heard voices: Michelle’s, slightly high-pitched, laughing, and then, to his momentary relief, Siobhan’s.
He was standing there making small talk with Siobhan as Michelle got her a drink when the doorbell rang again. He waited, hoping that Michelle would go to answer it, that she hadn’t strayed from the kitchen. A moment later, Keith and Claire, and his own friend, Gary, appeared at the glass doors that led to the garden. He fixed a smile on his face and waved them over. At least now there were other people, he could always immerse himself in conversation with Gary if he needed to withdraw.
Michelle appeared with a tray of drinks and eased it onto the table. She’d asked him the day before if he was okay with there being alcohol, if it would be too much of a temptation for him. He’d made a face and told her that her white wine spritzers certainly wouldn’t tempt him. Apart from that there’d be nothing stronger than a few cans of lager. It was okay, he said, he could handle it. Wouldn’t he have to handle it wherever he went from now on? He may as well try to get used to it.
But now as he slugged a glass of cranberry juice he’d have given anything for a real drink. He watched Gary open a can of Carlsberg, felt his shakes worsen and excused himself to check the barbecue, which had begun to smoke.
Half an hour passed. He’d already done the first round of burgers and Michelle was dishing them out, but Caitlin still hadn’t arrived.
‘Maybe she won’t turn up,’ Michelle said, appearing at his shoulder. Nick nodded and arranged chicken wings on the barbecue. The smell of the food was making him queasy, but he was glad to be occupied.
‘You pacing yourself, or what?’ Gary asked him, his plate piled high with Michelle’s Greek salad, licking sticky fingers as he eyed the glass next to Nick.
‘Ah, I’m off it,’ Nick told him. He picked up the tongs and turned the wings.
Gary’s guffaw was expected, as was his chuckle and predictable comment of ‘how long will that last?’
Nick turned away from his beery breath, the craving so strong that he almost wanted to kiss him, just to inhale it. Michelle was standing across the lawn, laughing at something that Claire had just said when the bell went again. Their eyes met across the grass, and she gave him what was meant to be a reassuring smile, but the smell of the food coupled with anxiety was threatening to make him heave.
‘Gaz, do you think you could look after this for a few minutes?’ he said, bolting not into the house but around to the side gate where he could escape out the front and into the house as soon as Michelle had brought Caitlin through.
He reached the gate, eased it open and crept round the side of the house. He heard the front door close and gave it a few more minutes before letting himself in and hurrying up the stairs.
In the bedroom, he went to the window. Careful to stay close to the curtain, he stretched his neck and peered down. Gary was, dutifully, by the barbecue. The other three turned as Michelle came out, a woman in a black dress and leather jacket by her side. Hands were shaken, smiles exchanged. She looked different from when Nick had seen her playing at the wine bar. Her hair, which had been tied up that night, now hung in waves to her shoulders. He stood back as Michelle glanced at the house, first at the door and then at the upstairs windows. Christ, he’d have to go down there. Wasn’t this what he’d wanted, a chance to meet Caitlin, to see what kind of woman Johnny Davis’s daughter had grown up to be?
He went into the bathroom, popped another anti-sickness tablet from its blister and swallowed it with water from the tap. He took another Xanax for good measure – he wasn’t due one, but what he’d taken clearly hadn’t worked and he had to get through the afternoon. He owed it to Michelle, at least, for all her efforts.
Gary nabbed him as soon as he walked into the garden. He was where Nick had left him, tongs in one hand, turning rather crisp-looking chicken wings.
‘All yours’, he said. ‘Hope they’re not overdone.’ Nick managed a smile, grabbed a large bowl and instructed Gary to toss the wings into it. Gary nudged him and asked who the woman was who had just arrived.
‘Don’t know, she must be some friend of Michelle,’ Nick said, shrugging. When he looked up Caitlin was looking at him curiously – he smiled briefly and turned back to what he was doing.
‘How’s everything coming along?’ Michelle came over and asked. She’d left Caitlin with the others. Chirpily, she asked Gary if he wouldn’t mind bringing out a few plates from where she’d stacked them on the kitchen table. ‘Aren’t you coming over to say hello?’ she whispered to Nick. Nick nodded.
‘More grub’s up!’ he shouted across to the group, but Caitlin had already detached herself from them and was walking towards him. Nick could feel his panic rise.
Michelle turned to follow his gaze. ‘Ah Caitlin, this is my other half, Nick!’
Caitlin peered at him hard. ‘Nick? But we’ve met before, at the Ormond, a couple of weeks back.’
‘Have we?’ He clicked his fingers. ‘That’s right – you’re the violinist.’ He forced a smile and shook her hand. Her grip was surprisingly firm. He turned to Michelle. ‘I stupidly knocked her drink over in the wine bar – small world.’
‘How do you two know each other?’ He hoped his effort at acting wasn’t as bad as he felt it was.
Michelle played along. ‘The article I did about homelessness, it was Caitlin who published it. New Woman is her magazine.’
Caitlin nodded. ‘Terrific piece,’ she said. ‘We’re running the follow-up next week.’
Gary appeared with the plates just as Nick was about to answer, and the rest of the group descended on the scene. Nick was relieved, his nonchalant attitude seemed to have worked. Caitlin hadn’t reacted to him like he was some kind of weirdo, now all he had to do was act normal for the rest of the afternoon. He told himself his paranoia was unfounded. Caitlin had no idea who he was or about his past.
He watched Michelle and Caitlin talk, easy with one another, and slowly his anxiety ebbed away. He was filling the dishwasher, the chatter of the others and the sound of Tom Waits’s ‘Closing Time’ drifting in through the open window, when he felt someone behind him.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,’ Caitlin said, as he turned.
‘No, you didn’t, it’s fine,’ he said, waving her apology away.
She was staring at him and her eyes, he noticed, were a deep shade of blue, almost navy. ‘Have we met someplace before?’ she asked.
‘The wine bar …’
She shook her head. ‘No, not the wine bar, I mean before that?’
‘I don’t think so.’ His heart rate had picked up again.
She leaned against the edge of the table, head cocked to the side, assessing him. ‘I’m sure we have, or maybe not met, but I’ve definitely seen you before … You weren’t in the park, were you? Last week?’
‘Which park?’
‘There’s a little park near my house where I go running. You don’t run, do you?’
Nick shook his head and laughed. ‘No. God, the way I feel right now, I don’t think I’d get as far as the garden gate.’
‘Hmm. Well, I’ve definitely seen you somewhere before.’ She straightened, pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and sat down.
‘It’s possible,’ he said. ‘I’m sure it’ll come to you … do you live around here?’
‘No. I live on the northside, between Marino and Clontarf.’
‘And you run a magazine. Michelle’s really chuffed that you published her piece. She’s so passionate about her volunteer work.’ He glanced out the window to where Michelle was laughing with Gary and Siobhan.
‘She sure is. It’s admirable … so many people out there know what’s going on, but do nothing about it. Michelle cares, that was obvious from the minute we met. How long have you been together?’ she asked.
‘Oh, about eight months.’
She smiled. ‘And so you decided to take the next step. Any nerves?’
‘No. Michelle is great. There’s nothing to be nervous about.’ He suddenly felt uncomfortable discussing Michelle. He was surprised at Caitlin’s forthrightness and wondered if she was testing him, but he wasn’t sure why she would. They had only just met. And it wasn’t like she knew Michelle so well either. He decided, since she was being so direct, to bat the ball back at her.
‘Michelle told me about your husband. I’m sorry, that must be really tough.’
She nodded and looked away. ‘It’s more terrible than anyone can imagine. People keep telling me I have to move on, and even though it feels impossible, I know they’re right. That’s why I came today, to meet new people – to try to move forward inch by inch. Michelle seems lovely – the first genuine person I’ve met in a while.’
Nick looked out the window again. Michelle had just extricated herself from the others and was approaching the house. ‘She certainly is that,’ he said. ‘I know we’ve just met, but if there’s anything we can do for you, Caitlin – anything at all …’
‘Thanks Nick, I really appreciate that.’
Michelle appeared in the doorway and looked from one to the other, curious. ‘We’re all out of food out here, chef,’ she said. Nick wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but her smile seemed a little forced as they followed her outside.