Over the years it has been my personal mission to advocate the importance of men and fathers in families, within communities, and around the world. I truly believe God anointed me with that message and has given me the ability and vehicles—my books and speaking ministry—to share it.
Because of my background, I have always been fascinated with what authentic masculinity looks like, its power to influence, and how it is acquired or transferred during the transition from boyhood to manhood.
After years of research, observation and study, real-life experiences, and operating ministry programs (such as mentoring fatherless boys, leading father-son campouts, and working with men in virtually every venue from churches to prisons), I have come to the conclusion that healthy masculinity is a somewhat fragile gift that must be intentionally passed down from one generation of men to the next. Any misstep or break in that transference can lead to a corruption of the process, resulting in skewed and damaged men. And damaged men typically do not make good leaders, husbands, or fathers.
Early last year I was convicted by God that while I was reaching thousands, perhaps tens of thousands, of men and boys each year with my books and my speaking ministry, my influence in their lives was somewhat wide and shallow. Even though I want to continue those efforts, I was compelled to start sharing my experience and knowledge through a deeper but narrower focus by individually mentoring young men. While I initially entered into that endeavor with some trepidation, it has turned out to be a truly invigorating experience. I currently mentor a young man from Nigeria in his mid-twenties whose parents were tragically killed when he was seventeen. His eagerness to learn about what it means to be a man and a leader has blessed me as much or more than our work together has benefited him. It has caused me to actually think about the process of becoming a healthy man and what teachings and experiences are important to be included in that process.
This experience has reinforced my belief that it requires a plan and a good deal of intentionality to effectively raise a boy to become a healthy man and leader. Without a plan and intentional effort, we settle for whatever we get. Let me give you an example. I married my wife because, not only was she incredibly hot looking, but she’s such a fantastic cook that she could cook my garbage and make it taste good. But because of that, she doesn’t always follow a recipe (a plan) for the meals she cooks. Most of the time this works out great and we have an excellent meal. Every so often, however, things don’t quite work out as well as they could have. Thankfully, I’ll eat about anything as long as it has meat in it, so it hasn’t ever been too big of an issue. But her proficiency in her cooking abilities sometimes encourages her to be overconfident, and the result sometimes leaves something to be desired. In other words, her meals in those rare circumstances do not reach their full potential.
The same goes for making boys into men. When we don’t have a plan—a recipe to follow—they might turn out great or they might turn out as men with something to be desired. Regardless, they seldom reach their full potential without a plan.
We are currently facing the phenomena of having a large percentage of our young males who have not had positive male role models intentionally bringing them into manhood. We are bereft of healthy male leadership in our culture today. As a result, we are seeing these boy-men delaying adulthood, underachieving, not going to college, being unemployed or underemployed, creating and abandoning children, and generally being unprepared to meet the world. I was raised in an alcoholic home with all the disadvantages that environment brings with it. I was raised to believe that religion was a crutch for weak people and that all Christians were hypocrites. By the age of forty, after attaining all that the world says should make you happy and successful, I found myself yearning for more. Something was missing. I had a hole in my soul that could not be filled by success, achievement, or materialistic acquisition. That chasm in my soul was destroying me.
In an attempt to find inner satisfaction and peace, I studied a number of religions and belief systems. Since at the time I did not have any real friends or other men I looked up to for advice, I decided to look at the lives of men throughout history whom I admired to see what they had that made them significant. Interestingly, the only common denominator I discovered between all these great and admirable men was the fact that they were all Christians—men of great faith. That epiphany was a mighty blow to the worldview I had been raised with. I personally had always been a bit contemptuous of Christianity. At the very least it just seemed inconsequential or insignificant in the bigger picture of things. I wasn’t necessarily hostile toward it; I just thought it was a misguided philosophy designed and developed by perhaps earnest but intellectually weak or even ignorant men thousands of years ago to keep uneducated and ambitionless people content with their lot in life. Sort of along the lines of Karl Marx’s quote, “Religion is the opium of the people.”
However, upon making this discovery, I began to investigate the history and doctrinal foundations of Christianity. I set out upon a yearlong study of anthropologic, geologic, and historical components of Scripture in order to disprove the validity of the Gospels. After that year I came to the conclusion that not only could I not disprove the truth of the Gospels, but that they were in fact true. After accepting Christ as my Savior, I felt a huge sense of peace, satisfaction, contentment, and most of all forgiveness that cannot be described or proven by any scientific method I’m aware of. I just knew in my soul that this was truth in its purest form. I felt fulfilled and whole. This then propelled me into the work I do today, which has allowed me to lead a much more fulfilling life than I ever thought possible.
The study of great men throughout history was what initially led me to be interested in pursuing salvation. Was it coincidence that every historically significant man I happened to study was a Christian? Probably not. But as I have investigated and researched further, it appears to be extremely difficult to find any men throughout history who have made a positive and significant difference in the world who were not Christians or at least men of great faith. (For example, someone such as Mahatma Gandhi could probably be considered a man who made a significant, positive difference in the world and, though not a Christian, had a deep religious and moral faith.) C. S. Lewis explains it this way: “I am very doubtful whether history shows us one example of a man who, having stepped outside traditional morality and attained power, has used that power benevolently.”[1]
With that in mind I have used great men throughout history and the character traits they were most famous for to illustrate the foundations we need to instill in young men in order to develop healthy and truly life-giving masculinity. Were these men perfect? No. They were ordinary human beings like you and me—flawed, imperfect, and prone to making mistakes. But they did not allow those imperfections to keep them from changing the world for the better.
Too many men in our culture either use the power of their masculinity to do harm or they neglect and waste it. If we are to teach boys and young men to wisely use the power God has endowed them with by virtue of their gender, we must be intentional. If we are to teach them to use that power to bless the lives of others, we must proactively develop and implement a plan, not just hope and pray for a positive outcome.
In the early nineteenth century, an idea called the Great Man Theory developed to describe how “great men”—through their personal attributes, such as charisma, intelligence, wisdom, or political skill—used their power to significantly influence history. A proponent of that theory, British essayist and historian Thomas Carlyle, believed great men—heroes—helped to make history with not just those personal attributes, but also with the help of God.[2]
For purposes of this book, I chose a number of men of faith whose lives were significant and who impacted the lives of many others. All of these men led exemplary lives on some level—not perfect, but significant. Each chapter contains a short bio on the man and how he exhibited the character trait he was known for, a section on why that specific trait is important to teach your son, and finally some practical ways to intentionally instill that character trait into your son’s life. These character traits are not in any particular order of importance, although I did try to put similar traits together in the chapter order.
These traits are not the only traits our boys need to learn, but they are a good starting point to begin to intentionally develop a plan to proactively teach our sons to become leaders and good men.
Additionally, you’ll notice that I did not discuss specific moral values such as sexual purity, honesty, faithfulness, or fidelity—not because they are not important, but rather I had hoped that parents who were interested in raising boys with strong character would instinctively know that a strong moral foundation is the essence of all character. Also, I did not discuss developing faith or spirituality within your son. Again, not because I do not believe it is vitally important, but because I wanted this book to be one that will reach parents of all faith walks and belief systems. I wanted the focus to be on raising sons to become good men, not necessarily “religious” ones.
That said, all parents must have faith on some level or another. Faith is not the absence of doubt but persevering despite our doubts, just as courage is not the absence of fear but continuing on despite our fears. We need to have the courage to raise men of great faith and character. Our culture is at a crossroads. We need great men to once again lead and shape our culture through strong character and divine inspiration. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that only a few of the men I refer to in this book have been alive in the last forty years or so. We create great men by intentionally growing them from boys. As you go through this book, keep your eye on the ultimate goal—to create men who will change history. Without those great men . . . may God help us all.