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TRYING TO COMMUNICATE

Taking things literally

Problems with literal and double meanings can cause many misunderstandings for those with Asperger syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder), many of whom complain that they wish people would just say what they mean.

In a couple where one partner has not yet been diagnosed as having Asperger syndrome, the non-Asperger partner can feel quite bewildered and at times infuriated that their partner cannot understand what they are trying to say and often seems to completely miss the point. Some say that they do not see why something so simple should cause such chaos. One woman explained how she had told her Asperger husband she would ‘kill him’ if he forgot to pick up the dry cleaning in his lunch hour. She was going to speak at an important conference that evening and needed the outfit that was at the dry cleaners. He forgot to collect it and took her threat to kill him quite seriously, so he was too afraid to go home. She eventually received a call from her sister-in-law to say that he had phoned her because he was concerned that if he returned home he was in danger of losing his life.

As well as misunderstandings over the literal meanings in communication, non-verbal communication between partners may also cause problems.

Giving non-verbal messages

It can be difficult for those with Asperger syndrome to get facial expressions right, and knowing when to smile can be one problem. You may be telling your partner something quite serious and important, but when you glance at them they are smiling, leaving you thinking, ‘What are they smiling about?’

Eye movements may also appear odd, your partner perhaps staring for too long or looking away at an inappropriate moment. This lack of coordination with others’ facial expressions can also show itself in body language.

Body language and personal space

Some with Asperger syndrome do not have the natural ability to learn the unwritten rules regarding personal space that others take for granted. They will sometimes stand where they want to stand and seem unaware that they may be standing too close to someone. This may give out strange and sometimes threatening signals to someone who is not aware of the reasons behind this behaviour.

Hand movements may sometimes be non-existent or exaggerated. People with Asperger syndrome may walk in a slightly odd way: their movements might be quite stiff, their arms swinging in a kind of regimented way, or perhaps there might be a clumsiness to their movements. There may also be an awkwardness or oddness to the way in which they take part in conversations. Some partners describe their facial expressions as ‘wooden’. Eye contact can be evasive and this may sometimes give the impression that there is a lack of honesty or openness, which is not the case. When you know that someone has Asperger syndrome, these problematic issues in communication can be explained and understood.