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INITIAL ATTRACTION

Kind, gentle men

This chapter is written for women and men who have a male partner with Asperger syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder), as I do not have sufficient data regarding what attracts men to women who have the syndrome. However, it appears likely from the information I do have that a woman with Asperger syndrome will seek out someone who is likely to be a reliable and steady father figure, does not make strong emotional or intimate demands on her, and allows her a lot of freedom and autonomy in the relationship. This, for many non-Asperger men, can hold much appeal.

Most of the women with male partners with the syndrome describe them as being very kind, gentle and quiet men when they first met them, and these were the characteristics that they were initially attracted to. These men tended to display a naiveté that had a boyish essence to it, and the women they often chose had strong maternal, caring and warm ways. So almost instantly there can be a ‘fit’ between the two halves of a couple of this type.

The feminine side of men with Asperger syndrome

Boys with Asperger syndrome are sometimes teased at school because they adopt a somewhat feminine approach, and are less likely to conform to social stereotypes of masculine and feminine behaviour than is the case with their peers. Their mothers are more likely to be their role models than their fathers, because it is often their mothers they spend more time with. This could lead to boys displaying mannerisms and gestures that could be misinterpreted by other children as being ‘girlish’; name-calling and bullying could be the consequence.

Such a feminine side in an adult male can be very appealing to some women, however. Many men with Asperger syndrome are quite happy to cook, clean, iron and even arrange flowers if they so wish. They do not feel obligated to fulfil and display masculine roles, but are much more likely to do what pleases them, rather than what society states they are supposed to do. They may have quite a gentle approach and rarely display aggressive behaviour. Many women interpret this as meaning that they are sure enough of their masculinity to be in touch with their feminine side, and see this as a positive quality in a partner.

As men with Asperger syndrome often choose women who are quite strong, independent and nurturing, this all fits together very well, for a while. It is only after a time together that the contradiction of this feminine side emerges. Although the man may be gentle, they may also begin to display some rather chauvinistic traits. A chosen partner may be expected to fill a certain role and that role may depend on the man’s mother. He may expect things done for him exactly as his mother did for him. It is possible that he chose his partner because she was in some way like his mother, and there is a possibility that the man’s partner may be older than he is.

An older woman

It is not the case that men with Asperger syndrome deliberately search out older partners. However, many of the non-Asperger women I encountered in the course of my research were older than their partners. This finding differs from most of the existing literature on couples, which indicates that it is far more likely that the male will be older than the female.

One of the theories proposed to explain this is that a man will exchange his wealth for a woman’s youth and attractiveness. This rule does not seem to apply when the man in a relationship has Asperger syndrome, and this can feel very flattering for a woman living in a society where youth and looks seem to govern so many men’s choices of female partners. It may be that age is not too important to someone who has Asperger syndrome, as they often appear not to discriminate on the basis of a person’s age or status. It may also be that men with Asperger syndrome prefer, and feel more comfortable with, an older woman, and have decided that age equates to maternal and nurturing ways.

Since the time of my original research I have found that a woman with Asperger syndrome is also likely to choose a man who is much older. Sometimes this can be 20 or more years. I believe the reasons for this are very similar to men with Asperger syndrome, and often the woman may be seeking out a man who is a father figure and who will take care of her needs. This is very flattering for the non-Asperger male.

Hard workers and good providers

Focusing again on couples when the Asperger partner is male, another reason for attraction may be that the more able men with Asperger syndrome are often highly qualified and have very well-paid jobs – frequently within the fields of engineering, science, mathematics or computing. The ability to work with objects rather than people could be described as a characteristic trait of Asperger syndrome.

Simon Baron-Cohen described individuals with Asperger syndrome as being highly capable in the area of ‘folk physics’, which is understanding objects, and quite poor in the area of ‘folk psychology’ (Baron-Cohen and Wheelwright 1999), which is understanding people and their thoughts. Thus, unfortunately, when they have to deal with other people – whether it is management, other employees or the public – they can face major problems, unless they are fortunate enough to work in very liberal surroundings or solitary conditions. However, some employers will often overlook the social problems an adult with the syndrome displays as their hard and conscientious work compensates for it.

Interests in common

Sometimes, though, the special interest is not always as straightforward as it might first appear. One woman reported that she had been attracted to her husband because of his Christian beliefs. He said he was interested in the Bible, but you can imagine her surprise when he proudly showed her his collection of hundreds of bibles. Another woman was pleased to have found someone who shared her interest in classical music. In fact, her new partner seemed quite an expert on the composers – so much so that she eventually realised this was his one and only topic of conversation. As long as they discussed music and composers, things were fine, but beyond that it was as though he had absolutely nothing to say to her. Music was his obsession.

Obsessive love

Women and men have reported that they eventually realised that they were their partner’s obsession a little while after they started seeing each other. It would be difficult for most people not to feel flattered by so much attention and devotion from someone just wanting to please them and spend all their time with them. It is no wonder that many men and women feel important, special and needed at this time.

Most people want to feel needed, but there is a difference between being needed and totally depended on, which is what this need can gradually become. It is this obsessive love, appealing and attractive in the beginning, that eventually becomes the very thing that drives the two people in the relationship apart.

Some are left feeling like the responsibility for the whole relationship is weighing on their shoulders.

Whirlwind romance

Some men and women talked about having gone through quite a short, whirlwind romance that moved rapidly through the stages of courtship and on to marriage. Courtship with men and women with Asperger syndrome may be short-lived if their sole desire is to find a partner. It is often a need to be married that motivates men and women with Asperger syndrome to seek out a partner in the first place. If they believe they have found a suitable partner who has all the qualities they are looking for, then the topic of marriage or a civil partnership may enter the conversation quite early on.

Love is blind

‘Love is blind’, they say, and this is especially true of the early stages of a relationship. It is not uncommon to focus on and exaggerate a new-found partner’s positive qualities. Non-Asperger women can think, ‘Here is this caring and (possibly) handsome man, with a good, respectable, well-paid job, who is honest, kind and gentle – I’m so lucky.’ In the case of non-Asperger men they are often very flattered by the woman’s intense attraction to him, and in many cases she will be much younger and may take more care of how she looks. He will be very proud to show her off to his friends and family.

Both non-Asperger men and women may ignore the fact that their friends or family find their new partners a little bit eccentric or different, or that misunderstandings and communication problems are occurring.

Some men and women turn a blind eye when, for instance, their partner insists on being in charge of planning all their outings or journeys, sometimes in great detail. One woman described how her husband even insisted on teaching her the ‘correct way’ of putting the rubbish in the bin. Equally a man described how he simply accepted his partner’s insistence that she liked to wear sunglasses when they went into any well-lit restaurant or bar. In the early days of the relationship, many men and women decide they can live with these unusual little ways, but it can become increasingly difficult to do so as time goes on.

After the honeymoon period

Some men and women talked about feeling that, once they were married or in a civil partnership, their partner stopped trying – the romance ended as did the feeling of being important and special to their partner. Some felt that their partner’s efforts to please them suddenly stopped and they simply returned to their former lifestyle – they found themselves being expected to fit in with all their partner’s needs for routine and a schedule, to tolerate their special interests and not have a social life, intimate communication and, in some cases, a sexual relationship.

Fulfilling a need

Some men and women described this time as particularly difficult as they tried to understand their Asperger partner’s needs. They did not want to give up and walk out and, when talking failed, many tried to change themselves and began to question their own sanity. Some described it as feeling like they were not being appreciated for who they were and, no matter how hard they tried, communication constantly broke down. They felt themselves getting more and more angry and frustrated as they tried to make sense of things and understand just what it was that somehow kept leading them back to the same place. Some talked about having a feeling that something was missing, like the last piece needed to complete a jigsaw, and the sense that they were there simply to fulfil their partner’s needs rather than there being the necessary give-and-take in a relationship.

Being stuck in this very painful situation and feeling bewildered and confused may sometimes go on for months or, in many cases, years before the couple discovers what is wrong. Some women reported going to their doctor and being recommended for couples counselling, or sometimes the couples arranged to go for counselling themselves. This is an avenue many couples find themselves travelling down when one of the partners has Asperger syndrome.