15

SEX

Loneliness in the bedroom

Some women and men living with a partner who has Asperger syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) reported a complete lack of sexual intimacy in their relationship. In some cases, sexual intercourse had only occurred once or twice and then ceased altogether, leaving the non-Asperger partner feeling very rejected, unloved and wondering what they had done wrong. Both men and women with Asperger syndrome have reported finding sexual intimacy difficult and not thinking of it as a necessary part of the relationship.

It is important to be aware that this is often not a reflection of a lack of love for you, but is more likely part of Asperger syndrome. Those with Asperger syndrome may not always require close physical or sexual contact with another person and would rather masturbate or abstain from sex totally. For some adults living with a partner with Asperger syndrome, the sexual side of the relationship is not very important to them and so they are more able to cope with a lack of it, while others may channel their sexual energy elsewhere.

Those who feel that sexual intimacy is very important to them do not cope with its absence very well, and so this area of the relationship soon becomes one that breeds frustration and bitterness. Unless the Asperger partner is willing to try and sort something out about it and listen to what is being said, the situation will probably not change. Eventually they will have to make their own decisions as to whether or not the plusses in the relationship compensate for the loss of sexual intimacy.

There are more books now being written on the sexual side of Asperger syndrome, and some psycho-sexual therapists are becoming more aware of the implications this has on how they work with Asperger couples. If you feel you and your partner would benefit from such support, it is worth exploring what help might be available.

Sometimes sex can become an obsession

It is not always the case that adults with Asperger syndrome do not have or want sex. For some, the sexual side of the relationship is not unlike that of any other couple, and both parties report a happy and fulfilling sex life together.

In a few cases, however, the partner becomes obsessive in their endeavour to achieve perfection in their sexual role, and practises until they feel they have achieved the most perfect and rewarding sexual routine that they can. Some non-Asperger women reported that they were left feeling very used, as if they were being experimented on.

There is also a danger that once the ‘perfect’ routine has become established, it will not be changed. Restricted by this routine, sex can then become regimented. Although they may be putting a lot of effort into pleasing their partner, the whole sexual act can come to feel like a process that follows a set order, from beginning to end.

So what happens if you are not satisfied by your sex life and want to try something else? An attempt to do something different or to change the routine could cause confusion and misunderstandings. Your partner may find this need to change very difficult and take it as a criticism of their lovemaking abilities. They may react negatively and you could end up feeling ignored and unheard, the self-esteem and confidence in both of you shattered.

Sex is a form of communication

Communication has been highlighted as problematic in relationships when one partner has Asperger syndrome, and as sex is also a form of communication, it is no exception. Sometimes the reason for sexual problems could be easily rectified if the couple could discuss their differences in clearer detail; more importantly, the adult without Asperger syndrome should not make any assumptions about their partner’s behaviour. Things that might seem quite trivial to others may prove to be of great importance to the partner with Asperger syndrome.

For example, one Asperger partner suddenly refused to have any sexual contact with his wife. He became very unresponsive and unaffectionate. This had lasted for over 12 months when eventually the couple came for counselling, which was at the request of the woman in the relationship. Time and patience were given while the partner with Asperger syndrome was allowed to explore his feelings and reasons for not having sex. He talked about his toiletries, and in particular his toothbrush. He had a certain way of leaving his razor, shaving foam and toothbrush in a particular order on the shelf behind the sink every morning. Every evening when he came to brush his teeth, he found his wife had placed his toothbrush in a cup with everyone else’s. This annoyed him immensely and by the time he got into bed he was too angry to even touch his wife. After discussing this further, his wife was able to understand how important it was to him and agreed that she would leave the toothbrush where it was. Their love life slowly returned to normal. If the woman in the relationship had not initiated their need for support within the counselling services, the issues might not have been resolved.

When the non-Asperger partner is the male it seems to be less likely that he will suggest or seek out support as he may be reluctant to discuss it with a third party. This is not surprising when we look at the research from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDCP) which discovered that men are 100 per cent less likely to go to the doctor for preventative care than women (CDCP 2001).

If you feel you are struggling to resolve sexual issues between you and your partner, it may be that you need some support and guidance. Keeping quiet will not help you or your partner work it out, and sometimes the answer might be quite simple when it is shared with a professional in a safe environment.

Where does the information about sex come from?

Just as most adults with Asperger syndrome learn how to socialise and interact from books, television programmes or the internet, this can also be the case for sexual activities. What they say and do in bed may depend on what they have read or seen on television. Men and women have reported their partners coming out with some most unusual statements in the middle of sex, and often being shocked by what can sometimes seem quite crude remarks that are completely out of character.

Others will ask rather strange, clinical questions that may make sex feel like a biological experiment.

These statements or questions often come from something Asperger partners have seen on television or the internet, read in a magazine or overheard at work. It is wise to have an idea where the information comes from as this may affect how they regard their role and their partner’s role in a sexual relationship. If they are reading pornographic magazines, visit sites on the internet or are receiving information from an unreliable friend, they may be led to believe that behaviour which their partner finds quite unacceptable is appropriate.

There are plenty of good and reliable reading materials around, and some books offer a visual guide that may make it easier for a partner with Asperger syndrome. If either you or your partner finds it hard to talk about sex, consider going to counselling together or seek the help of a psycho-sexual therapist.

For most relationships, it is important to know that sex is something very special, shared between partners, and not just a performance or simply a means to an end.

Sensory sensitivity

Sensory sensitivity can play a strong role in why sex does not always go well, and may become fraught with anxiety and misunderstandings. Not all, but many, men and women with Asperger syndrome have a heightened sensitivity to their environment and the noises, smells, sights, textures and tastes that surround them. Be aware what these areas are, otherwise misunderstandings are bound to occur.

For example, a man described how his female partner had refused to have any physical contact with him, and this progressed to the point that they slept in separate rooms and sex was never on the agenda. The couple discovered that she was affected by Asperger syndrome, and as a consequence sought professional help to work at their relationship. The man described how lonely and rejected he felt by his partner and how he could not understand why she was so repulsed by him whenever he tried to get close to her. The counsellor explored the idea of sensory sensitivity and it was revealed that the female partner had a highly sensitive reaction to certain smells. One of those smells was garlic. Further exploration discovered that two years earlier her partner had been diagnosed with a hyperactive thyroid, and a dietician had recommended including garlic in his diet. He followed this advice and over time developed quite a taste for it. Consequently the smell of his body odour and breath was tainted with garlic. His partner was repulsed by this and had since refused any physical approach from him. Her fear of confrontation had prevented her from saying what the problem was, especially as no one else seemed bothered by it. The solution was simple as the man was more than happy to omit garlic from his diet if it meant getting his partner’s affection back, and before too long they were sharing both a bed and a physical relationship together.

Check out if your partner is affected by sensory sensitivity and remember that this can manifest itself in many ways, from the distraction of a ticking clock in the bedroom to the feel and texture of certain nightwear.

Getting it right from the start

If your relationship is quite a new one, then it is crucial that both of you start as you mean to go on. It is helpful if you can be patient with your partner and try to tell them in a precise and clear way what you want in bed and what you are prepared to do. If your relationship is well established, it may be harder to change things, but not impossible.

It is important when communicating about sex not to be ambiguous and not to give double messages. Your partner cannot read your mind – they do not know what you want or do not want unless you tell them. Whether or not your relationship is a new one, stress to your partner that you will not want the same things every time, that your needs will change. Reassure them that you will tell them if there is something you do not want, so they will know if they are doing something wrong.

If you are a non-Asperger woman in a heterosexual relationship, perhaps explain a woman’s menstrual cycle, pointing out that at certain times of the month you may be more responsive than others. Be sure your partner knows your different reactions to him are not because of something he has done wrong, but that this is just the way most women are and that needs and sexual appetites change.

It is important that both of you feel comfortable about what you are doing. No one in a sexual relationship should have to do anything they feel uncomfortable with. As your partner may have more difficulty with discussing sexual issues, check that they are happy with the lovemaking and what is being shared together.

Be positive

When you discuss sex with your partner, do so in a sensitive way, taking care not to sound critical. Positive and constructive examples should be given of how sex can be enjoyed more together, so that your partner knows exactly what you want. If possible, explain these in a visual way. Try to find a time when you will not be disturbed and the atmosphere is calm and relaxed. Choose your words carefully and be tactful, suggesting rather than demanding, and respect each other’s freedom of choice. Follow the golden rules for communication discussed earlier.

Infidelity

In most cases, men and women reported that they had complete trust in their partner’s fidelity, and for many this was a very positive aspect of their relationship. In Debbie Then’s book, she reported that 50 per cent of men in the general population are likely to ‘stray’ (Then 1997), yet 80 per cent of the non-Asperger women I contacted in my original research were totally convinced that their husbands were faithful and would remain that way. The security this creates is a huge plus in any relationship and may mean that women tolerate the more negative effects of Asperger syndrome in their relationships.

I have found over the years that it is just as unlikely for an Asperger woman to be unfaithful if she is truly committed to the relationship, and this is equally seen as a bonus to their partners. It needs to be said, however, that for those rare men and women with Asperger syndrome who are unfaithful, this can become a pattern that is very hard to change, and it is likely that they will justify the infidelity. If there is no remorse then it is unlikely that their partner will be able to forgive or learn to trust them again.