16

PARENTING

When the parent with Asperger syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) is female

In her interview with Professor Tony Attwood, Liane Holliday Willey discussed her difficulties understanding her non-Asperger children. Holliday Willey described the lengths she went to rectify this, and still openly admits she sometimes got it wrong. She stated how well adjusted her children were and attributed this to the fact she cared (Holliday Willey and Attwood 1998). Being a parent with Asperger syndrome presents with a set of difficulties, but it does not make a person a bad parent – that is down to personality alone. Holliday Willey’s book, Pretending To Be Normal (1999), gives a wonderful insight into being a wife and a mother with Asperger syndrome. It is important that female Asperger partners are supported and the childcare shared so that they are able to take time out and look after themselves and their own needs. Do not automatically presume that as a woman she will just know what to do or how to deal with the children, as her capacity to mind read will be limited.

Pregnancy for the non-Asperger woman

Pregnancy, childbirth and parenting can be especially problematic in a relationship if you are the non-Asperger partner with an Asperger man. This section is written specifically for you.

Pregnancy is a time when bonding is very important, but for some women I spoke to it was quite a lonely time, as their partner was very reluctant to have any sexual contact with them, leaving them feeling unwanted and undesirable. For some men with Asperger syndrome this may be because they fear that they will do some harm to their unborn child, and so they feel they should not maintain sexual intimacy during this time. This fear may come from mixed messages about pregnancy received in childhood and adolescence.

Partners should be involved as much as possible with the pregnancy, with a clear explanation of exactly what is happening physically, using visual means if possible. They should be encouraged to ask questions and made to feel very much a part of the whole pregnancy.

Giving birth

It has been reported that some Asperger fathers-to-be did not want to be present at the birth of their child. One woman relayed how her partner quite simply did not turn up at the hospital, which caused her to feel very alone at a time that should have been one of sharing.

Unpredictable and stressful social situations can be quite traumatic for someone with Asperger syndrome, and one of the reasons the birth of their child may be avoided is because they may not have any idea what their role will be and what will be expected of them. If possible, watch a video on childbirth together so that your Asperger partner knows exactly what it will be like and what you want them to do.

It is very difficult at a time like this for non-Asperger mothers-to-be to have to worry about their partner – they will probably feel that their partner should be worrying about them rather than the other way round. This can leave some women feeling cheated out of what should be a loving, caring, shared experience.

If possible (usually it is positively encouraged), both should arrange to go along together to antenatal classes and visit the labour and maternity wards at the hospital where they are planning to have the baby to meet one or more of the midwives or hospital staff. This will help make the forthcoming birthplace feel more familiar and less threatening. Asperger partners should be encouraged to ask questions to help them understand what a very necessary and important part of the whole birth experience they are.

Life after birth

Looking after a baby seems, in most cases where the father has Asperger syndrome, to have been left entirely up to the mother as the father takes on the role of a distant observer. Some women have not found this to be a problem if, as with the financial side of the relationship, they prefer to be in control of the situation and the main decision maker. Other women, however, found this a desperately lonely time and felt at times that they were surviving on the same level as a one-parent family, with little or no practical or emotional support from their partner.

This scenario can be played out in any relationship. Not all men, whether they have Asperger syndrome or not, want to participate in looking after a baby. They may find this stage of child development especially difficult, and for some it can even be quite frightening. What is probably different about the situation when the father has Asperger syndrome is that they may display a lack of empathy towards their partner and do not appear to appreciate how much hard work, emotionally and physically, looking after a new baby can be. If you have an understanding doctor, or know of another professional who understands Asperger syndrome, ask if they could talk to your partner. Your partner may be able to tell the doctor or professional what is bothering them and how they feel about the baby, and the doctor or professional may be able to offer them some advice or extra information. Try all avenues open to you, and if your partner is still unable to offer you any consideration or appreciation, then you may find that you have to find this emotional support elsewhere.

Negotiate the rules

As the children grow, Asperger partners, whether male or female, may have problems both in making themselves understood and in being understood by the children. It is common in people with Asperger syndrome not to discriminate between ages, and it could be particularly difficult for an Asperger partner to talk to the children as children and to be aware of what levels of development and maturity they have reached. Their expectations of their children’s capabilities may be set a lot higher than they are actually capable of achieving, and this can cause confusion for all concerned.

Some may not know or understand what they are expected to do or say to the children. For example, one non-Asperger woman described how her nine-year-old son had brought home his report for his parents to read. His father read through the report quite quickly and then, without a word to his son about how well he had done, wrote a lengthy reply to the headmaster. He complained that he was unable to read the English teacher’s comments and asked how she could possibly teach his son when her handwriting was illegible. What he had not done in all this was to tell his son what an excellent school report he had brought home; he was only able to focus on the English teacher’s handwriting. His wife tried to explain to him that he was missing the point, but it was not until he had written and sent in his letter that he could tell his son it was a good report.

You will often need to state the obvious and always give very clear and precise messages, so that your partner understands what they are supposed to do or say. It is very important that you negotiate the rules between yourselves and both try to stick to them.

If you have a problem trying to negotiate rules and boundaries, and if there is a problem enforcing these rules, then you could try talking it over with a third party, such as a school counsellor or teacher. Making use of noticeboards, lists or diaries is also useful. One woman had lists all over the house, even in the bathroom, giving clear instructions on hanging up the towels, putting the seat down on the toilet (so the youngest did not fall down into the bowl) and flushing the toilet. Experiment with whatever methods work best in your household. If it turns out to be a useful and helpful strategy, then it should be put into practice on a daily basis. Children need a consistent, loving and caring upbringing, and it is you, the non-Asperger partner, who might find yourself being left with most of the responsibility for seeing that they are provided with this.

Teenage terrors – the Asperger nightmare

Parenting may have been fairly straightforward while the children were young enough to obey commands and rules without arguing about them, but all this can change when they hit adolescence, start bringing friends home and answering back.

Your Asperger partner probably never understood their own adolescence, so it is very unlikely that they will understand it in their own children. They may find their disruptive routines, changeable timetables, faddy eating habits, unpredictable moods, answering back and constant demand for lifts an Asperger nightmare. It could feel like there is an additional teenager in the house and you may wonder who is the harder work – the children or your partner.

One woman’s husband used to spend his time trying to get his daughter to be tidier. He went as far as putting his daughter’s homework in the rubbish bin because she had left it on the kitchen table. He felt this was quite justified and would not apologise for his actions. The whole family was in an uproar and it was his wife who had to write a letter to the school to try to smooth things over. As the non-Asperger partner, you will have to be the mediator, negotiator, referee, rule-maker, wiper up of tears, confidante – in other words, all things to all people.

If your children know about Asperger syndrome, you could ask them to be more sensitive and to try to understand why there are some things that their father/mother does not get right or understand. It should be explained to them that things that cause their father/mother stress and frustration should be avoided. House rules need to be negotiated for the whole family.

You will need all the help you can get. As you will be the one giving out all the emotional energy, you should be aware of your own needs at this time – otherwise, you will be left feeling completely drained and very alone. Try to make some time for yourself and put your needs first at times, whether this takes the form of a night out with friends or a hobby or sport that gets you out of the house. It is vital that you have time and space that is completely separate from your partner and the children, where you can just unwind and be yourself, free from any demands.