18

SPECIAL INTERESTS

It can be a bonus

Most of the adults I contacted said that their Asperger partners had a special interest, and most said they did not find it particularly problematic in the relationship when compared to other areas, such as communication. In fact, some said that their partner’s special interest was a bonus! Many were happy that their partner had something to interest them and keep them busy. One woman remarked that at least he was not chasing other women or ‘living in the pub’.

Such special interests are likely to be solitary pursuits, for example, collecting certain objects, exploring old churches or running. Life with someone who has Asperger syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) may involve feeling similar to a ‘golf widow’ or a widower. The special interest may also be linked to the person’s field of work, perhaps in engineering or computers. Simon Baron-Cohen found that, statistically, engineering occupations featured more predominantly in families in which Asperger syndrome was present (Baron-Cohen et al. 1997).

Some of the special interests reported were a little unusual, even quite bizarre. One woman said that her husband bought copies of every hi-fi magazine he could lay his hands on, and had been doing so for most of his life. The problem was that he would not throw any of them away, and the collection had become so large that she was unable to get into their spare room, as it was literally full from floor to ceiling with magazines. Eventually there was no longer any room for anything else in their home, so they were looking for a bigger house.

For most couples, the partner’s special interest is not an issue and becomes a way of life. As long as it does not push the family into debt, it should be tolerated and can be a very good talking point.

If obsessions do become a problem financially, it is important that this is dealt with in its earliest stages and not allowed to escalate. If it is possible for the non-Asperger partner to take charge of the finances, then this is often the best solution. Those who have managed to do this have found it a tremendous relief as then neither partner has to worry about what is happening with the money.

When a special interest is unacceptable

Although it appears to be quite rare in cases of Asperger syndrome, sometimes the partner’s special interest is something that the other partner feels is totally unacceptable. It may be something that is counter to what would normally be permissible within a close relationship, and then both partners need to do something about it. For instance, if the Asperger partner is obsessed with sex, pornography (possibly spending time seeking it on the internet) or other women or men in a sexual way and has extramarital affairs, the other partner has the same rights as anyone else in a relationship when boundaries are being crossed. If they find pornography offensive or are concerned that a certain special interest is not setting a good example for the children, then they have the right to act and either end the relationship or demand that things change.

If your partner will not change and is also aware that their behaviour is unacceptable to you, then you have to make a choice: do you or don’t you want the relationship to continue?

Another example comes from a non-Asperger man who described his partner’s attachment to animals and how she discovered that some pet stores reduced their stock by putting animals down if they were not housed before a specific age. This applied mainly to rodents. His wife then went on a mission to save them all, and if she could not find them homes, took them into their own home. Before long the house was overrun with animals and cages – she took great care of them and he tolerated this for many months. However, when they found their way into their bedroom, due to lack of space, he took action and refused to allow any more into their home. In this case it caused the breakdown of their relationship – hence the importance of starting as you mean to go on. If your partner seems to be developing an interest that could be detrimental to your relationship together, put down the rules and reach a compromise before it becomes an issue.

Sharing interests

Some couples I spoke to shared similar interests; many reported that they enjoyed going to the theatre together, listening to music or seeing films at the cinema, for example. Many couples I have encountered shared the same religious beliefs and their faith was very important to them. As long as you are prepared to do things your partner’s way and are able to relate to an area of interest, then this can be an excellent way for you to feel closer to each other and to share things together. Also, if the interest is something new to you, there is the bonus that you will become an expert on something that you previously knew little or nothing about.