An Analysis of Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet
Having delivered this piece of what I considered to be amazing news, I sat back in Peatmouse’s desk and waited for Miss Switch to be suitably amazed.
“What are you babbling about, Rupert?” she inquired. “Just how could you know anything like that?”
“I only figured it out by accident. It’s why I needed proof you really were Miss Switch. I thought you might actually be Saturna!” I announced. “I know Saturna has it in for me because I wrecked the computowitch.”
“Computowitch! Oh, how I hate the sound of that word! That stupid little machine condemning me to sweep Witch’s Mountain for one hundred fifty years if I didn’t come up with some original witchcraft!” Miss Switch leaped up from the desk and began to stride furiously up and down at the front of the classroom. Her eyes were shooting out so many sparks, I had to duck to keep from having some of them sizzle right on me.
“I … I’m sorry, Miss Switch,” I said meekly. “I didn’t mean to get you so upset.”
Miss Switch flopped back into Creampuff’s desk, pulled out a tablet of lined yellow paper from under the lid, and began fanning herself. “No apologies necessary, Rupert,” she said. “After all, you’re the one who came up with the idea of telling that machine what a popular teacher I was with the Pepperdine fifth grade. That astonishing piece of news completely wrecked it. No more issuing orders. Gone! Never to be heard of again!”
“Not … not exactly gone, Miss Switch,” I said in a very small voice.
She turned and glared at me. “What do you mean, not exactly?”
“I’m afraid it’s sort of … sort of come back,” I said, cringing.
“It’s okay, Miss Switch. It really is!” I nearly choked getting this out as fast as I could. After all, I wasn’t anxious to have another fireworks display. “It’s come back in a different form … via a genuine computer! But now that I know about this, I think it’s going to be very helpful.”
“It better be!” moaned Miss Switch.
“It is. I’m sure of it,” I said. “I found out about it when I was writing an e-mail to Spook. That’s Amelia, who’s left town with her family, Miss Switch. I was telling her how I hoped you’d be appearing again. I got around to mentioning the computowitch, and my computer suddenly went crazy, the screen shivering, colors changing, my computer heaving in and out like it was having trouble breathing. I’m not going to go into the whole thing now, because it’s just the end of it that matters. After my computer settled down, it had the word ‘computowitch’ on the screen. I was doodling around and added a ‘.com’ to it, and guess what?”
“I gather you hit on a Web site, Rupert,” Miss Switch said excitedly “Go on!”
“You’re exactly right, Miss Switch,” I said. “But there was nothing on it because I needed a password to get in. I took a stab at it, and guess what again?”
“SATURNA!!!” Miss Switch threw her head back and gave an unearthly howl of glee. It was the kind of howl, I have to confess, that was always a spooky reminder of what Miss Switch was.
Miss Switch rubbed her hands together with a triumphant look on her face. “Saturna’s private Web site … computowitch.com! Just think of it … a direct line to that dim-witted brother of hers, Grodork, aka Mr. Dorking, Pepperdine’s beloved principal, and I can find out everything Saturna has to say to him—every one of her instructions!”
“Does … does that mean I don’t have a thing to worry about?” I asked.
Miss Switch’s slanted eyes narrowed to glass-green slivers. “Not at all, Rupert. You’re still in danger, and for that matter, so possibly is the whole former fifth, now the sixth grade. After all, they’re the ones who made it possible for you to put the original computowitch out of order by expressing their … er … regard for me as a teacher. And Saturna’s a very, very clever witch. I may know what she’s up to, but then I have to find a way to outwit her. We can take no chances. Now, would you like to report to me what you’ve read so far on computowitch.com?”
I had to shake my head. “Miss Switch, what she wrote was all in some kind of nutty rhymes. I’ll bring it up on my computer as soon as I get home and make a copy. You’ll have it first thing tomorrow.”
“Not good enough. Time is of the essence,” Miss Switch said. “Let me see, hmmmm. Doesn’t Pepper-dine have a computer or two lying around, Rupert?”
I jumped up. “Sure they do! A whole roomful for computer class, and two of them can connect to the Internet. Probably be safer if we don’t turn on any lights, but I’ve got my flashlight. I’ll bet you’ve never operated a computer, have you, Miss Switch? I’ll show you how it works.”
“I’m a quick learn,” said Miss Switch. “Come on, Rupert, let’s do it. You coming with us, cat?”
“I’ll pass on this one,” Bathsheba said. “After all the excitement, I’d like to just stay here and enjoy the peace and quiet.” She started to wash her whiskers again, and before she had finished with the first whisker, Miss Switch and I were on our way down the dark hall, the light from my flashlight bobbing along ahead of us.
Fred was along with us, too, naturally As we walked down the hall, I unzipped the pocket with my free hand and reached in to give him a reassuring pat on the head. He gave me a reassuring peck right back on my finger. I quickly zipped the pocket back up, and was I glad I did!
“Brow-ow-owl!” Bathsheba came bounding down the hall after us. “Changed my mind,” was all she said.
“Your privilege, cat,” said Miss Switch
By then we had arrived at the computer room. Miss Switch moved up a chair for Bathsheba, and then leaned over me, watching every move I made. I have to say I felt pretty important demonstrating something to someone who was not only my teacher, but a witch as well. Not to mention her know-it-all cat.
“Okay, Miss Switch,” I said. “Now stand back and get ready for the show.” I typed in “computowitch,” and sure enough, everything happened just as I expected it would: screen shivering, colors changing, machine heaving in and out.
“You’re quite positive the thing isn’t going to explode?” asked Miss Switch.
“Absolutely!” I said, now feeling like an old hand at this.
I was right, of course. Everything calmed down. The word “computowitch” arrived back on the screen. I added “.com” and the “enter password” box immediately appeared on the screen.
“Quick! Quick! Enter it, Rupert! Enter it!” Miss Switch drummed excitedly on the back of my chair with her long, bony fingers. “The suspense is killing me!”
“Well, here goes!” I said, and with great deliberation I typed the name “SATURNA.”
Bang!
The same homepage appeared with all the stars and moons and weird lines around the border. And the very same words!
“There it is, Miss Switch,” I said. “Exactly what I got before.”
“Be still, Rupert!” Miss Switch said. “Just let me read it.” And so while I was reading it on the screen, Miss Switch read it aloud.
“How very sweet
Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet,
I’ll have my chance
To howl and dance,
No one’s in sight
Except that fright,
No you know who
Is in the brew,
Bats may squeal
And vultures wheel,
But do not fear
The way is clear.”
For a few moments after Miss Switch finished reading, the room was silent. Deadly silent. And then a huge shower of sparks flew over my shoulders at the screen. I held my breath, waiting for the explosion I knew was going to follow. And it did!
Miss Switch gave a blistering howl of rage. “How very sweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet! Who does that creature think she is, a canary? I’ll put her in a cage someday, and see how much tweeting she does. Have a chance to howl and dance, will she? Oh, not if I have anything to do with it, my pretty. And I suppose the ‘No one in sight/Except that fright’ refers to Miss Blossom. That’s rich from someone whose face would scare the warts off a hog! But she has a head stuffed with moon dust if she thinks ‘you know who’ is not in the brew. ‘You know who’ is in the brew, and in the stew, and in the know, Madame Saturna. Oh yes, tomorrow Miss Blossom, aka you know who, aka the fright, aka Miss Switch, rides again!”
Miss Switch really had me all charged up. “Hurrah!” I shouted, waving my fist in the air. “But now you know, Miss Switch, why I wasn’t sure Miss Blossom was really you. I mean, how was I to know Saturna hadn’t set a big trap for me.”
“And she might have, Rupert,” Miss Switch said. “Make no mistake about it. She might be making a huge blunder regarding Miss Blossom, but she’s still dangerous. We can’t let down our guard. We’d be on a very slippery slope if you hadn’t discovered computowitch.com.”
“I’ll check it out first thing in the morning,” I said. “I have to be careful, though. If my parents happen to come around and see my computer carrying on the way it does, they’ll run in and pull the plug and not let me near it again until my father has taken it someplace to be looked at. But I’ll see what I can do. Of course, we can always use one of these computers when no one’s around,” I suggested.
“But you’d be in hot soup if anyone just happened to surprise you and walk in.” Bathsheba gave a wide yawn and stretched. “Might I be allowed to make a suggestion?”
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Miss Switch said impatiently. “But be quick about it, cat. I have papers to correct, and Rupert has to get home for his rest.”
“Well,” Bathsheba drawled, “I noted that Rupert waited for the machine to go into its song-and-dance routine after he typed ‘computowitch.’ When it was all over, he put in the ‘.com.’”
“So?” inquired Miss Switch.
“So,” said Bathsheba, “why not just type in ‘computowitch.com’ all at once? Why give those self-important little machines with their puffed-up egos the grand opportunity to show off? Cut them off at the pass, is what I say. Oh well, try it or not, it’s your choice.”
“It’s a waste of time,” I said. “It only works one way.”
Bathsheba flicked her tail back and forth. “Up to you,” she said indifferently.
“The cat may have a point, Rupert,” said Miss Switch. “If we don’t want to sit through the whole show, we can always pull the plug. Go ahead, do it!”
This sounded more like a command than a request, and I made a point of never arguing with Miss Switch. “Oh, all right,” I grumbled. “But I don’t think it will work.”
I quickly typed in “computowitch.com.” Not a second’s pause after the word. And in the “enter password” box, I typed “SATURNA.”
Wham!
Bang!
There was the same Web site just as it had been before I turned off the computer.
“So there you are!” said Miss Switch.
“Well, what do you know!” I said. “Gee, thanks, Bathsheba! I don’t know if I ever would have thought of that.”
Anyway, I didn’t mind too much losing to a smart cat like Bathsheba, even if she did have a pretty high opinion of herself.
“Don’t mention it,” she said, and never even lost a beat finishing an ear wash job.
Then I went back to Room Twelve with Miss Switch and Bathsheba because I decided I’d just as soon leave the same way I arrived, through the Room Twelve window.
“Now, Rupert,” Miss Switch said as soon as we had entered the room, “please remember that when you return here tomorrow, you will find Miss Blossom and not Miss Switch.”
“I got that message,” I said.
“If you have anything you wish to report to me, have it in writing stapled behind your homework papers,” Miss Switch continued. “Or you may leave a message on my desk. But be certain I’m right there to see it. If we have to confer, it will have to be done very carefully. If we’re caught with our heads together, that could make even a numskull like Grodork, aka Mr. Dorking, suspicious.”
“I’m right with you, Miss Switch,” I said. “Is that it?”
“Yes, Rupert,” she replied, “except for one other important thing. I have to warn you that whatever you notice happening in class, you’ll please keep it to yourself. No eye contact with any of your friends, or with me, either. Is that clear?”
“Sure,” I said breezily, not realizing how difficult that assignment might turn out to be.
“Then, run along, Rupert!” Miss Switch motioned me toward the window.
“Boy, Miss Switch,” I said, “I can’t wait to e-mail Spook … er … Amelia, and tell her you’re back.”
“Absolutely not, Rupert!” Miss Switch glared at me. “No such thing.”
“Wh … Wh … Why not?” I stammered, taken aback. “Don’t you trust her?”
“Of course I trust Amelia,” said Miss Switch. “That’s not the point. It’s just that I consider it highly dangerous to have all this classified information flying around out there via e-mail.”
“Telephone, then?” I suggested hopefully.
“Don’t even mention it,” she said.
“Spook already knows something is going on,” I said. “What if she asks?”
“Punt,” said Miss Switch. “Amelia’s smart enough to figure out what’s what. Take my word for it.”
“I suppose I can’t even tell my pets,” I said, realizing as soon as the words were out of my mouth that one of them was already knee- or, rather, feather-deep in this whole situation.
“Don’t be silly, Rupert,” said Miss Switch. “Of course you can tell your pets. That’s an entirely different matter.”
“Well, good night, then, Miss Switch,” I said, and started to climb out the window. With one leg over the windowsill, I hesitated and looked back. An interesting thought had occurred to me. “Miss Switch,” I said, “did you ever … well… swoon over Grodork, aka Mr. Dorking?”
Miss Switch instantly impaled me to the window with her deadly glare. My blood turned to ice. What had I been thinking asking a stupid question like that?
Then, all at once, Miss Switch threw back her head and started howling. With laughter! “Did you get that, cat?” she said.
“I … I … d-d-did!” replied Bathsheba. She was down on her back, her paws flailing the air, shaking so hard, she could hardly talk. “I’ve never heard anything so funny in my life. Imagine you swooning over that moron. Oh, that’s rich, it is!”
“Me mooning over that imbecile!” Miss Switch shrieked. “What a picture!”
“Stop! Stop!” Bathsheba screeched. “I can’t stand it!”
The two of them were still screeching and howling, chuckling and chortling and gasping for air as I sneaked away. I felt like a prize idiot.
“Well, that was interesting,” Fred said as I unzipped my pocket and lifted him out.
“You don’t know the half of it,” I said, as I put him back on my shoulder and started for home.