PREFACE

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF GLUTEN? IT’S THIS PROTEIN THAT’S FOUND IN wheat that…just kidding! It’s the 2020s, and even your weird survivalist uncle is gluten free.

I bet you can name three people off the top of your head who would rather eat nuclear waste than gluten. That’s why there are bestselling authors who could substitute the wheat flour in their baking with gold dust because they’ve made a fortune selling gluten-free cookbooks. Which is all kind of weird if you think about it…considering that celiac disease really only affects 1 percent of the population.

You know what else affects 1 percent of the population? Von Willebrand disease. It’s this blood clotting disorder that probably none of your friends talk about at cocktail parties. Why? Von Willebrand disease isn’t a covert way of pretending you aren’t on a diet. Because chances are you are on a diet right now. Except you don’t call it a diet. You call it a wheat allergy or eating clean or ketosis or paleo or plants or maybe you are just trying to avoid sugar.

Now don’t get mad. I know that accusing you of being on a diet is like accusing you of being some vapid cheerleader who didn’t get the fucking fax in 1987 that diets don’t work and you are supposed to love yourself the way you are. You probably hate the word diet because it reminds you of your mom counting her Weight Watchers points or cooking nothing but cabbage soup for a week. Well, I’m afraid your keto lifestyle might seem just as ridiculous to the next generation. And, dude, I’m not judging you for getting super into the latest healthy-food/weight-loss trend. We all follow trends. (Anyone else feather their bangs in the ’80s? Whoopsie daisy.) But let’s face it—most people don’t really care if it’s about sugar, wheat, free-range protein, or cleanse kits with chlorophyll slime as long as there is a reason to hope it will help trigger fat loss.

The point is, the language has changed, but as I type this, seventy-five million Americans are actively trying to lose weight. Which is no surprise. We are now at a point where most of us are overweight, and more than 30 percent of North Americans are clinically obese. I’m not talking about a little muffin top over your skinny jeans (although god knows we are certainly made to feel like shit if this is the case). We are at the point where we have to start thinking about type 2 diabetes, heart disease, depression, cancer, and fertility problems.

So, the average American is freaking out and spending an average of $800 a year trying to fix the problem—buying juice cleanses, meal plans, workout programs, and weird-ass herbal supplements. And then everyone feels like shit about themselves. Why? Because none of it works.

I mean—obvi, right? The whole world is getting fatter. And the statistics of weight-loss success with any of these diets is dismal. And I mean any of them. Even that sugar-free thing you’re doing right now. From Atkins to the Zone with a lot of keto and GF in between—there is no peer-reviewed scientific data that confirms that one diet (or—excuse me—“lifestyle”) is better than any other for long-term weight loss. There is very little chance—across the board—of keeping the weight off for over a year.

Here’s why: it’s not about your wheat intake, your ketones, or your net carbs—it’s about your habits. The National Weight Control Registry at Brown University studies those rare unicorns who have lost significant weight and kept it off. They achieved it through all sorts of different diet/lifestyle approaches. The research shows that the one commonality in those subjects was making small changes to their everyday behaviors.

Small changes to everyday behaviors?! How fucking boring is that? Where is the “revolutionary new formula”? The “one secret that doctors don’t want you to know”? Or the “diet that celebrities swear by”?

That is all Satan’s bullshit.

Let me tell you, if you like sensationalist clickbait headlines, this book is going to disappoint. On the other hand, if you like having an effortlessly healthy (smokin’ hot) body and a calm mind, welcome to your new life.

I call those “everyday behaviors” your habits. Everything comes down to habits. All the rest of it—everything from the glycemic index to complex intermittent fasting protocols—all of that is just noise and fad diets disguised as a virtuous lifestyle.

Now before you hit send on that angry email where you tell me that getting rid of gluten has changed your life and how dare I call it a diet: I’m happy for you. If you’ve found something that works for you, then you can shut this book. You don’t need my advice because you’ve already got this shit nailed—and that is awesome. Celebratory rice cakes all around!

But.

If that gluten-free “lifestyle” tends to fall off when you are stressed or when there’s something particularly delicious in front of you or when you are on vacation…that is a diet.

Consider this: When is the last time you heard a vegan say that things were so crazy at work that she was gonna give herself a break and eat meat until life calms down? Or hearing someone say that they were going to pause their tooth-brushing habit while they were on vacation because, you know, you only live once! Ridiculous, right? Because veganism and tooth-brushing are deeply ingrained habits. They are part of your identity. They require no perceived extra effort because they are rooted in a deep sense of the kind of person you are. (“I just don’t eat meat. Period.” Or “I am someone who does not have nasty-ass teeth and fart breath no matter how relaxed and on vacation I am.”) So, unless your sugar-free/gluten-free/paleo/keto efforts are completely effortless and it never occurs to you to pause them on vacation, you are on a diet.

And so what if you are? There’s nothing wrong or shallow or unenlightened about wanting to lose weight (more about that in chapter 1), so props to you for trying stuff out. The only reason I’m taking a big second-day-of-the-Master-Cleanse dump all over your “lifestyle” choice is because it’s not going to be sustainable and it’s going to end up making you feel like shit when it doesn’t work out. Again.

And I say fuck that. I never want you to have that yucky, “I totally fell off the wagon, I suck” feeling again. That’s why I wrote this book. That cycle of getting your hopes up with a new weight-loss program and then feeling like a loser when it fails? That shit is over, my friend.

I’m talking about that weight-loss roller coaster. You know, where you try this new thing (coconut oil all over everything! net carbs be damned!) that has a bunch of pseudoscience to back it up and omigod it totally works and you announce to everyone that this is IT, you are totally doing this now, and it’s not a diet it’s a lifestyle, but then one weekend you just don’t fucking feel like doing that lifestyle but whatever, you’ll pick it up on Monday and then Monday rolls around and you pick it up but it’s kind of lost its joy but you dutifully do it because this is totally your thing now but then Wednesday is your friend’s birthday and a girl’s gotta celebrate good times come on, so then Thursday doesn’t count because you are hungover and then it’s the weekend so… Yeah.

You’ll probably futz around like that for a few months or so and you’ll have moments when you pat yourself on the back for being “good,” but those moments will probably start to get fewer and farther between…and then the Fuckits will take over (more about the Fuckits later), and then in a year, you’ll probably slide back to where you started. But maybe at that point you will be excited for the next roller coaster. Maybe it’s all about probiotics now.

It’s not that all those fad diets/lifestyle experiments are evil or stupid or anything. The problem is that they are a costly distraction from what is actually going to help you reach your goals: your habits.

Think about it. We all know what to do. Eating vegetables is not a secret. The benefits of exercise aren’t exactly breaking news. Most of us have figured out that water is a healthier choice than a Wildberry Cooler. It’s not that we don’t know what to do. We just don’t know how to make ourselves do it. Consistently. Automatically.

In this book, I’m inviting you to get off that roller coaster of highs (“I’m really doing it now! This is totally my thing!”) to lows (“I suck. I’ll never be a fit person and I should probably just accept it.”). Instead, I want you to come ride the merry-go-round of healthy, repeatable habits. A merry-go-round where you basically repeat the same stuff day in and day out. There are highs and lows, but it’s just the horse bobbing up and down gently—nothing you’re going to lose your lunch over. The merry-go-round is way less exciting, I know. There are no “secrets” or “ground-breaking techniques” that will blow your mind. You won’t have that high when all you can talk about are ketones and how you’ve found the next big thing. Instead of the thrill (and crash) of the roller coaster, the merry-go-round is generally pleasant, but it doesn’t take all your attention. It just keeps going around. You will probably lose interest after a while.

Which is fucking awesome.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve got better things to think about than weighing my food or calculating the calories I burned during a spin class. When you are taking care of your health intuitively and automatically, you can save your precious brain power for shit like running for office, closing the gender wage gap…or just enjoying a damn meal with your family without worrying about “being good” or “following rules.” Let me tell you—eating without all that bullshit is so much more delicious.

And that’s what I want for you—a delicious quality of life in every way. Because of the healthy habits I’m about to teach you in this book, I now have a body that I’m thrilled with. And not in a fakey-fakey, “I love my tummy because it’s a reminder of the fact that my body carried two beautiful kids” type of way but in a “who wants to see a million pictures of me in my bikini?” type of way. But the real gift is a brain that is completely uncluttered with thoughts about “how to lose belly fat fast.” It’s fucking rad.

I certainly didn’t start out this way. If you told my twenty-year-old self that I would become a fitness expert, I would have tripped over my platform boots and dropped my cigarette. I am not one of those fitness professionals who came out of the womb doing cartwheels and swinging a shiny ponytail through life. More of a participation ribbon kind of kid. While other kids were running around the schoolyard, I would have been hiding in a bathroom stall reading Harriet the Spy.

As I blossomed into womanhood, I decided that I liked beer, Whoppers with extra mayo, and guys who wore capes and eyeliner (but that’s another story). Point being that by the time I hit my late twenties, I was sedentary, puffy, and unhealthy. I felt uncomfortable every time I sat down because my waistband cut into my belly. I’d always be picking my shirt away from me so people wouldn’t see my rolls. There was no way I’d wear a bathing suit in front of my friends, no matter how inviting the pool looked. In group photos, I’d always go to the back and try to hide half of my body behind someone else. I was always bigger than my boyfriends in an era where “waif” and “heroin chic” were what was considered hot. (I mean, WTF, right?!)

I know what some of you are thinking: Cry me some first-world tears. I’m not saying my life was a Greek tragedy or anything; I’ve never been obese or faced the kind of discrimination and health problems that obese people face. But I was always thinking: If only if I could lose ten, twenty pounds, everything would be so much better. Whenever I’d schedule an upcoming event, I would start to scheme about how I could lose ten pounds before the big day.

So, I tried all these things (familiar, anyone?):

And year after year, I got fatter.

Not only fatter, but I was exhausted from all the effort. Worst of all, I was unhappy with my body and mad at myself for not being able to just lose the weight. So I drank too much wine and smoked too many cigarettes. Every time I saw a picture of myself I thought, That can’t be me. It was impossible that I was that girl in the mirror. And I was so pissed at myself for not being able to nip it in the bud. I was smart and generally accomplished… Why wasn’t I able to make myself do this?! I would punish myself for “being undisciplined” by skipping meals or doing longer workouts. I signed up for a really expensive gym membership with orange slices and fancy lotions in the change rooms because I thought that if it was really expensive that would force me to go and get my money’s worth. (It didn’t, by the way. I walked in, felt like the only person there who wasn’t already in amazing shape, tried to get a machine to work, and didn’t know what I was doing. Walked out. That visit cost me $300.)

So it wasn’t that I wasn’t trying. I was trying really hard. And I bet you’ve tried really hard. It is not your fault if this shit hasn’t worked. It’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’ve been caught up in the weight-loss roller coaster. Most importantly, don’t you go hatin’ on yourself if you think about this stuff too much and you think you should be above it all.

The weight-loss industry marketing cycle is a powerful force that is worth $66 billion. (That’s a B, y’all. We are talking serious coin here.) And all that weight-loss hype is making us all fatter (and sadder). But the good news is that by picking up this book, you are politely excusing yourself from that $66 billion party and instead have already started making a huge shift toward developing healthy habits, mental freedom, and a totally slammin’ body.

Imagine this: You wake up with tons of energy. Probably didn’t even need the alarm clock. You easily slip into clothes you love and you are totally happy with what you see in the mirror. You spend the day feeling energized, clear-headed, and positive. You can eat anything you want but you automatically choose the healthy food that makes you feel good and satisfied and you never ride that wave between starving and stuffed. The ripple effect of your healthy habits has been fantastic. You are in a better mood for your family, you have more confidence at work. You feel kind of sexy for the first time in about fifteen years and the effect on your relationship has been…um…how shall we say…fucking hot. Not only that, but your whole family has started to shift their habits along with you. Your kids are better behaved, and your husband has more energy and seems younger. (Ahem. See above re: relationship.) You’ve got a little extra money in your pocket because you aren’t flushing it down the toilet on expensive supplements (literally…you think your pee is naturally that color?). Best of all—you’ve got all this extra time and brain space that you used to spend tracking your macros and trying to burn off extra calories at the gym. Now you can spend that time hanging out with your girlfriends, starting a business, saving the whales, or whatever the fuck you want to do with your life.

Here’s how it’s going to go down: In part 1, I’m going to encourage you to “Get Your Head Out of Your Ass.” This is the mindset stuff you are going to want to skip, but let me say this in very clear terms: DON’T FUCKING SKIP IT. Otherwise, you are screwed. We are going to get totally clear on why you want to lose weight in the first place. (Newsflash: Maybe you actually, um, don’t want to lose weight. Maybe this project doesn’t even need to happen. #mindblown.)

Then we are going to make sure you understand that it’s actually a feeling you are chasing—not a number on the scale. You don’t really care about losing twenty pounds—you care about having the feeling you think you will have when you lose twenty pounds. Maybe you want to feel sexy, or strong, or confident… In any case, that shit is only going to happen if you start practicing that feeling now—at exactly the weight you are at. You heard me. It’s Law of Attraction time: if you want to feel good, you’ve got to focus on feeling good. Roll your eyes if you want, but if you skip this stuff, you are doomed to repeat your old patterns. Just telling you now.

Part 2 is “Just Tell Me What the Fuck to Do to Get Skinny Already,” and this is where we get down to the nitty-gritty of why you haven’t been able to sustain any healthy living initiative so far and why this time is going to be different. Expect some smarty-pants research that you can quote at dinner parties if you insist on being that asshole. Then we are going to get into the 7 Habits of Highly Healthy Motherfuckers, so you can stop getting distracted by clickbait bullshit and instead focus on eating your vegetables like a grown-ass woman.

Once you’ve got your healthy habits down, I’m going to teach you in part 3 “How Not to Be a Big, Fat Quitty McQuitterface.” We’ll get super-practical about designing your environment in “The Life-Changing, Magical Art of Getting Your Shit Together” and then get really deep in your self-sabotaging mental muck in the final chapter, “How to Fight the Fuckits.” You know, those moments where you think, Fuckit, I’ll start on Monday? I’ve got a solution for that.

Ready to make this the last time you start a healthy living project? Because it’s time to reclaim your brilliant brain, your bangin’ body, and your delicious life. It’s time to get Healthy as Fuck.