· CHAPTER 7 ·
THE POWER OF YOUR PEEPS
WHEN I WAS IN SEVENTH GRADE, MY FAVORITE T-SHIRT WAS WHITE WITH neon-orange writing in a funky ’80s font that said Normal Is Boring. I wore it with acid-wash jeans and two different colored shoes and thought I was really sticking it to The Man. In high school, I briefly (but with maximum public fanfare) smoked a pipe. In my twenties, I was cast in a role for a play that I thought was misogynistic, so I not only grew out my leg hair but mascara’d it for performances. School sports? No thank you. If you need me, I’ll be wearing too much eyeliner and smoking behind the school. Team spirit? I’d rather die.
Yes, I was a total pain in the ass.
The reason I’m admitting to being an adolescent Rebel Without a Fucking Point is to illustrate that I am not someone who is naturally a “joiner.” But even though my teenage self is wincing as I admit this, I am now the queen of camaraderie; of organizing team challenges, of getting a group together to run the race in oh-so-kooky matching tutus, of rallying the troops and yelling, “Come on, guys, we can dooo it!”
It’s massively dorky. And it Totally. Fucking. Works. I mean, you can keep smoking a pipe and rolling your eyes at group activities if you want to, but I’d rather be healthy, hot, and happy. And for that, you need your peeps.
Here’s why: Normal isn’t just boring. Normal is:
And I don’t want any part of that. At the risk of repeating adolescent patterns, I will say that “normal” can go fuck itself. As old-school motivational speaker Jim Rohn once said, “If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.”
And in our society, it’s pretty damn unusual to be fit. It’s not normal to be the kind of person who moves their body, eats healthy food, declines the second drink, sleeps, meditates, and preps their healthy food in advance.
But there’s another important part of what Jim said that you might have missed: it’s a risk to be unusual. Humans much prefer to adapt behavior to conform to societal norms. Sensing social disapproval can actually trigger our brain’s danger systems, which makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. In prehistoric times, being part of a tribe was the only way to bring home the mammoth. Our great-great-great-grandmothers who didn’t conform to social norms in medieval Europe were burned as witches. As recently as my childhood, little boys who wore pink faced merciless schoolyard bullying (until Miami Vice came along and made everything okay).
The human tendency to conform is well-documented, but probably the most famous example is the 1950s study by Solomon Asch in which volunteers were told they were taking a vision test to see which lines were the same length.
When asked alone, they chose the right line. But when asked in a room full of other “participants” who chose the wrong line, the subject would choose the same line as the others, even though it was clearly the wrong answer.
Even my teen rebel wannabe self got totally busted in a conformity demonstration. I once arrived at my drama class to find that chairs had been placed around the room, and one of my classmates was standing on one. I followed suit, as did every other student who arrived. Soon, all the students were standing on chairs, and the teacher walked among us silently for a while as we awaited further instructions. Were we being trees in a forest? Practicing “trusting” the chair? Really, anything is possible in Drama 101. Finally, the teacher said, “Why the fuck are you guys all standing on chairs? I didn’t tell you to do that!” And we all protested that everyone else had been standing on chairs. She smiled and suggested that we might want to start thinking for ourselves.
Which is easier said than done. We all have this idea that we are independent thinkers. But the ironic fact is that one of the greatest predictors of nonconformist behavior is having a backup of allies and social support. Nonconformist behavior is most strongly associated with the presence of allies. Valuing rugged individualism is a huge part of the American psyche and cultural identity, but the myth of the lone cowboy is pretty much bullshit. Look for the successful revolutionist and you’ll also find a group of supporters. To be honest, there’s no way I would have been ballsy enough to mascara my leg hair before going onstage if I hadn’t had a couple of friends backstage who thought it was hilarious.
My whole point here is that if you are going to succeed in swimming against the current of society by getting Healthy as Fuck, you are going to need your tribe. You need people to join your rebellion. You need to find a new normal to which you can conform without succumbing to the societal default of fat, sick, tired, and stressed. You need the Hogwarts that will be your refuge in a world full of Muggles.
Not only is it helpful when you are trying to build a new habit (your peers will remind you, they will make it more fun), but if you don’t want to be a Big, Fat Quitty McQuitterface, you will definitely want to get some peeps on your side because, consciously or unconsciously, you will crave their approval and that will help reinforce the habit loop.
Which is why my online transformation program includes meal plans, workouts, “go-get-’em-tiger” emails, and…a Facebook group. Every now and then someone will say, “I don’t need the Facebook group. Just give me the recipes and the workouts and I got this.” I get that—I really do. No one needs to spend more time on social media, and who cares about a bunch of strangers and what they ate that day, right?
Except that a Facebook group will create a new cultural norm to follow. One study found that online weight-loss communities can play a prominent role in weight-loss success. Participants in the study found the group important for encouragement (87.6 percent), information and practical tips (58.5 percent), as well as a sense of shared experience (42.5 percent). People think what they need is a magic formula of workouts and recipes, but the real magic formula is surrounding yourself with people who are also living Healthy as Fuck. People who will be cheering you on. People who believe that you can actually do it (even when you have those moments that you don’t think you can do it). People who set a social standard for doing it, so you feel like you not only want to do the habit, you have to.
So please: join a team, get a running buddy, invite someone over so you can do Meal Prep Power Hour together, find a fitness class that you love, join an online program with community support. By the way—if this thought makes you queasy because you are afraid you will be the worst one in the class, or you will be slower than your running buddy, that’s totally understandable. I’m going to tell you how to get over that in chapter 9. But for now, just know that if you are going to get Healthy as Fuck, you need to find people who are already doing your healthy habit and who are genuinely supportive. You need the people who will be happy for you, rather than trying to make you feel all weird about changing…which brings me to your friends and family.
Friends and family might not be your best social support system when you are getting Healthy as Fuck. In fact, they might be kind of assholes about it. A Stanford University study showed that 75 percent of women “rarely or never” got support from friends or family in their weight-loss efforts. Another study found that one fifth of people admitted to trying to sabotage friends’ weight-loss efforts. When asked why, respondents said their healthy friend got “too boring,” or their friend’s healthy living made them feel bad about themselves, or they were straight up jealous of the results their friend was getting.
Remember the conversation between Michelle and Jennifer earlier in this book? It went like this:
Jen: “I’m on a diet! I want to lose ten pounds so I can look like a smokin’-hot MILF at my son’s bar mitzvah next month!”
Michelle: “What? That’s ridiculous! You don’t need to go on a diet! You’re perfectly fine the way you are!”
As I pointed out, although it might seem like Michelle is just being a stand-up, I-love-you-just-the-way-you-are friend, she is also (a) stating her opinion about Jen’s body, which is totally irrelevant, and (b) squashing Jen’s ambition.
It’s also possible that Michelle’s (probably totally subconscious) motives for squashing Jen’s ambition have less to do with wanting Jen to love herself and more to do with Michelle needing to love herself.
If Jen loses ten pounds and looks like a smokin’-hot MILF at the bar mitzvah, then what does that do to Michelle’s relative hotness status? If Jen suddenly starts exercising, how does that make Michelle feel about being totally out of shape? If Jen starts drinking Perrier on girl’s night, does that shine a harsh light on Michelle’s wine-stained teeth and slurred speech?
Here are a few ideas for dealing with friends, family, and colleagues who are (again, probably unconsciously) trying to sabotage your results.
1. MAKE SURE THEY DON’T FEEL JUDGED.
People are funny—you tell them you want to get healthy and they immediately make it about them. Be clear that your choices are just about you, and they won’t be so reactive. Consider this scenario: You go to a restaurant, and for the first time, you ask the waiter which options are vegan. Your friend asks what’s up.
Option #1: “I just think that eating meat is perpetuating an interspecies genocide that will horrify generations to come, and anyone participating in it is destined to burn in the fiery pits of hell.”
Or
Option #2: “Yeah, I just find that my digestive system feels better when I don’t eat animal products.”
Here’s a social pro tip that etiquette expert Emily Post never mentioned: When wanting to avoid a conversation about your diet, allude to “digestive issues.” It will shut the conversation down ASAP because (a) no one wants to picture you pooping, and (b) no one feels morally judged when you allude to suffering from wicked dairy farts. You having a fucked-up stomach lining doesn’t mean that I have to reconsider my Krispy Kreme habit. Everyone is happy. To be honest, the old “digestive upset” strategy is why I think the faux–celiac disease diet works so well.
2. DON’T BECOME BORING.
If you think that following your healthy habits means that you have to stay at home and avoid restaurants and parties and social situations:
you will definitely not stick to any of your new habits because your life will suck, and
you will get pressured by all your friends and family to give it up—and rightfully so, because it probably isn’t making you happy.
I know that when you are first trying to navigate your new healthy habits, it can seem easier to just stay home and skip the movies rather than have to face Han Solo’s death in Episode VII without a tub of buttered popcorn on your lap. I mean, I’m getting triggered right now just thinking about what a dick Kylo Ren is, and some buttery popcorn would probably make me feel better (temporarily). But there comes a time in all our lives when we have to adult the fuck up and practice living as healthy people who can enjoy a movie without trans fats and about 300,000 unnecessary calories. The kind of person who can go to a party and have two drinks instead of twelve. Warning: If you do pause the enjoyment of your life and your relationships, that’s an indication that you are seeing this as a temporary diet, rather than your new awesome way of life.
Don’t be boring, and people can’t accuse you of being boring. (And if your friends’ idea of “boring” means “not shit-faced drunk,” then you might want to go friend shopping.)
3. DISGUISE IT.
There are people who are going to feel hella triggered by you not eating a slice of birthday cake at the office party or whatever, and that is their shit. But it’s annoying to deal with and usually these casual acquaintances are not worthy of getting the riveting details about your “digestive issues” (see option 1), so you might just want to disguise your healthy habit. Stuff like this will usually work:
4. DISTRACT.
The thing to remember is that when people are upset about your healthy choices, it’s never about you—it’s about them. So distract them by turning the subject back to them. Examples:
“No thanks, I don’t need a piece of cake, but I want to hear about how the big presentation went today! I heard you killed it!”
Or
“Nah, I’m going to stay sober tonight, but that means I can drive and that will save us a buttload of cab fare! What time do you want me to swing by to pick you up?”
You’d be surprised how supportive friends can be of your healthy habits when it makes life more convenient for them.
5. TRY TO CONVERT OR ASK FOR SUPPORT.
I would save this for only your dearest people, like your immediate family and close friends. You might find some resistance, but it’s pretty critical to your success. Besides, it will make your new habits so much more fun and easy if your boo is on board. When I used to do one-on-one training, I would always ask people how their spouses felt about their new healthy habits. Because if the spouse isn’t on board, I know that my client is on a countdown to relapse. There’s only so much you can do to fight against a spouse who doesn’t want to spend extra money on organic food, who wants to keep your nightly glass of wine ritual, who resents you being unavailable during your long runs. Here’s what you need to do:
Here’s a sample script a mom could use to talk to her family:
“Hey, guys, can I talk to you about something important? I want to lose some weight and get in awesome shape. I know you love me exactly the way I am, and I’m so grateful that I have your unconditional love, but this is something that I want for me. I want to feel like my old self, I want to feel more energy, and I want to feel more confident. Most of all, I just want to prove to myself that I can do it. I’m actually really excited. And don’t worry, I’m not going to stop eating or do anything dangerous. In fact, I’m using a new habits-based approach that feels sustainable for the very first time. I wanted to tell you guys about this because I know I’m going to need your help if I’m going to achieve my goal. It will make me feel so good when I do. Will you help me? (Get agreement.) Here’s what would be really helpful: Kids, do you think you could make your own lunches in the morning so I can make mine? That way we can all eat healthy food during the day. Honey, do you think you could commit to being home on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings so I can go to my new salsa-dancing class? And would you guys be okay if we tried some new healthy recipes? We might miss some of our old favorites, and I can’t promise you are going to love each new recipe, but we never know if we don’t try, right? And we can still order in pizza as a special treat every Friday. Is that a deal? And Honey, I’m going to hold off on the wine until the weekend. Would you help me out by not offering me wine at the end of a hard day? And maybe encourage me to actually go to my salsa class, even if I say I don’t feel like it? Tell me that I’ll feel better if I go even if I say I’m too tired? Thanks, guys. I know that sometimes it can be hard when things change, but I really think these changes are going to make me much happier, so thank you so much for helping me make them happen. I love you!”
Or, if that speech is not your style, you could copy my client Sandi’s genius speech to her family:
“Okay, listen up. This month is all about ME. And I expect your support on this. I’ve been driving you guys around to soccer practice and cooking your favorite meals for ten years. It’s my turn. No one is allowed to talk to me until my workout is done in the morning. And we are going to be eating my food. With lots of vegetables. And no complaints. If you don’t like it, there’s a lasagna in the freezer. And you can reheat.”
Mic. Drop.
My teen-rebel self wants to come out of retirement just to start a new Riot Grrrrl band and make Sandi’s speech the lyrics to an aggro anthem of feminine empowerment. I think it would be a big hit.
But there was one crucial difference between these two speeches. Sandi’s was awesome, but she forgot an important element when asking for social support. Did you catch it? She forgot to ask for help in calling out her bullshit.