· CHAPTER 8 ·
BREAK UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT
MY FRIEND MINDY HAD A SHOE PROBLEM THAT WAS GETTING out of control. It’s not easy to spend more on Reeboks than rent, but Mindy was giving it a solid go. Until one day she announced she had achieved Peak Shoe. Her closet was now complete, and Zappos was just gonna have to find a way to stay in business without her. And then she showed up in another pair of new shoes. I asked about them, and she said, “I know I said I wouldn’t buy any more shoes, but these were an end-of-season sale. It’s just smart to buy them now. This way I won’t buy later.”
Further footwear transgressions were explained in different ways:
“I actually kind of bought these for my boyfriend. He always wants to go for hikes, and I never had the right shoes to go with him. He’s going to be so happy!”
“Well, these don’t count because I had to buy them for work. I don’t even like them that much.”
“These are my reward-for-not-buying-shoes shoes.”
In each case, Mindy was completely convinced that she had an ironclad defense for breaking her stated intention not to buy shoes.
But let’s face it—this is Bullshit. Bullshit is the stories we all tell ourselves so we can feel okay about not sticking with our intentions. You might hear this kind of thing referred to as loopholes. Gretchen Rubin very eloquently discusses loopholes in her book Better Than Before. But I think “bullshit” is the only way to properly describe the mental shenanigans people use to sabotage their habits—and themselves. Here’s how the Bullshit will show up for me.
My alarm clock will go off for my early morning workout and—I’m not gonna lie—sometimes my first conscious thought is, Fuck. Me. I have to go do my workout now. I seriously don’t feel like it today. And that’s when the Bullshit Marching Band starts parading through my head.
Baton girl in front: “You don’t have to work out today! You worked really hard yesterday and you deserve a day off!”
The drum section: “It’s just one workout. One workout doesn’t matter when you’ve been so good. It’s raining out. Fuck it.”
The horns are jubilant: “You can skip one day! Jeez! Live a little! Enjoy your life in this moment!”
Finally, the tuba will fart some flaccid promise: “Go back to sleep now and maybe you will work out later today?”
That last effort of my brain is so laughable that not even my laziest self can believe that I might actually do a workout later on in the day when in forty-two years there is zero historic precedent for an afternoon workout ever happening.
But man, is it ever tempting, delicious bullshit. This Bullshit is the brain equivalent of getting a witty text from an ex who wants to come over.
Well, hello there.
You know it’s such a bad idea. But in the moment, it can seem so right. Best damn idea anyone has ever had.
The reason that the Bullshit is so seductive is because it (like the text from the ex) lets you relax into the familiar—and postpones the pain and discomfort of moving on with your damn life. We’ve all learned that giving in to the temptations of your ex coming over is a horrible idea—we know it will just keep us stuck in old patterns. Same goes for the temptations of giving in to the Bullshit You Use to Squirm Out of Your Habit.
We want to give in because our Bullshit allows us to stay in our comfort zone without feeling too bad about it. Which is exactly why this Bullshit is the mental excrement in which fledgling good habits go to fester and die. This is the thought trash that is the corrosive acid to your Healthy as Fuck lifestyle.
It’s time to truly break up with your Bullshit.
In order to defend your habits (and your self-respect), you must implement my patented Three-Step Process to Break Up with Your Bullshit:
Recognizing your Bullshit is the first hurdle.
At this point of maintaining my healthy habits, I can lie awake in bed watching that whole Bullshit parade tromp through my head and not fall for its witty banter and flirtations. I know I’m just lying in bed wasting energy, wildly trying to think up excuses, instead of sleeping or exercising. I know I just have to get the fuck up and get the workout done, and that not wanting to is just part of the deal sometimes. That the real muscle I need to strengthen is the “get the fuck up even when you don’t feel like it” muscle. (I don’t always want to exfoliate my skin, pay my phone bill, and go to other people’s kids’ birthday parties either, but sometimes you’ve just got to adult the fuck up.)
Now do you want to know the best way to unmask your Bullshit and reveal it for the stinking saboteur that it has always been? Meditation.
I know that 99 percent of the fair readers of this book read the word meditate, rolled their eyes, and gave the meditation habit a hard pass, thinking that it’s not gonna help you get back into your premium denim. But meditation is where you train your brain to observe your thoughts. Most of us go around believing that we are our thoughts and that every piece of mental puke we conjure up is true. In a lot of cases, this keeps you believing old thought patterns that are seriously unhelpful: I just have a low metabolism. Exercise just isn’t my thing.
The only way to free yourself from these thoughts is to find a way to observe them with a bit of detachment: Huh. There I go thinking that thought again. That’s interesting. That detached observation of our thoughts is what we practice during meditation. And don’t worry—it’s not like you have to be fucking Yoda or anything in order to recognize the Bullshit You Use to Get Out of Your Habits. By the end of this chapter, your favorite Bullshit should be embarrassingly clear.
Once you recognize your favorite Bullshit, you can move to step two of my Anti-Bullshit Artillery: the Breakup Speech. This is where you start to compose the exact words you are going to use next time this Bullshit shows up and wants to hang out—and hold you back. Be gentle but absolutely firm. I’ve given you some ideas, but your Bullshit is going to need to hear it directly from you in order to get the message that it’s truly over.
And then you will proceed to the third and most crucial step of Breaking Up with Your Bullshit: Do Your Damn Habit Anyway. I know that you aren’t always going to feel like it—and I don’t demand that you are always perfect. I do, however, demand that you are honest with yourself. So ditch the Bullshit and just admit you don’t fucking feel like it. In the next chapter, I’ll tell you how to make these habits so easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy that you won’t even be tempted to squirm out of them.
But for now, let’s meet the eager contestants that are trying to seduce you and help you squirm out of your habit. I’d like to introduce you to: your Bullshit.
THE DIET-STARTS-TOMORROW BULLSHIT
Every now and then one of my clients will ask if they can “pause” my healthy-habits program because they are going on vacation. Or things are crazy at work. Or something unexpected has come up.
And the answer is no.
Diets get paused. Habits are who you are.
Case in point: My lovely client Holly signed up for my program during a year that turned out to be the hardest of her life. Her dad was sick. Holly spent the year traveling across the country and staying overnight in hospitals when she wasn’t looking after her young son. If Holly was on a diet, that diet would have been over fast. But her healthy habits sustained her. The exercise and healthy food helped keep her sane, healthy, and strong enough to handle the shit storm and tragedy that life was throwing at her.
If things are bad enough that you start thinking I can’t deal with my healthy habits now, it’s probably when you need your healthy habits the most.
On the other hand, if things are so awesome that you start thinking The diet starts tomorrow (because today I’m on vacation, it’s my birthday), then you might want to ask yourself why you wouldn’t want to feel good on your vacation, or on your birthday. (Just a friendly reminder: that’s what you are ultimately working on here—making yourself feel good. Happiness. Remember?)
If you want to give yourself the “treat” of putting your habits off until tomorrow, it’s a sign that you are seeing your habit as a punishing pain in the ass. It’s a good clue that you need to strengthen the reward part of the habit loop.
Here are other versions of this Bullshit that I hear a lot:
“This weekend is a write-off. I’ll start fresh on Monday.”
“I’ll order dessert now and just do a hard workout tomorrow.”
“I’m going to enjoy the holidays, and I’ll deal with it in January.”
Can you recognize this sweet seduction? Tempting, right? The idea that our future selves will be better behaved is a great way to excuse a current transgression.
But it is mental garbage and also physiologically based on a false premise. You can’t “work off” food by doing extra exercise later (as discussed already), nor can you neutralize a binge with a cleanse. That’s just not the way the body works. Do you get strong arms by doing one thousand push-ups in one day? No. That’s how you get injured. Your body hates that shit. You get strong by doing ten push-ups for one hundred days. Remember—your body will respond to consistency over extremes. Does that mean you are totally fucked if you do have a wild weekend? No. It just means that you return to your regularly scheduled program of healthy awesomeness as soon as you decide that the party is over. And you don’t need to wait until Monday to have the freedom to start fresh.
If you’ve ever seen a bumper sticker on a hippie van, you know that the only moment you really have any power over is the one that’s happening right now.
Here are some breakup speech ideas for when your brain is trying to convince you that the Diet Starts Tomorrow:
“Even though I’m on vacation, I’m still going to moderate my alcohol because I want to feel good and energized to enjoy my vacation to the max.”
“Even though I’m so slammed at work right now, I’m going to take the time to meditate, because this is when I need that sense of inner calm most.”
“I don’t have to finish this whole meal just because I ordered it. I can put down this fork and ask for the rest of this meal to go. I’ll be so happy that I didn’t overeat and will enjoy these leftovers later.”
“I got wasted last night, and I’m too hungover for my workout today. But instead of lying around and eating hangover food today and then ‘starting on Monday,’ I could drink a big glass of water and go for an easy walk in dark sunglasses.”
“I’m starting to feel the toll of too many holiday parties, but I don’t have to wait until the New Year to feel better. I can make a salad right now and see if my family wants to go for a walk.”
“I started a new episode of Game of Thrones even though I know I should go to bed and get my seven hours of sleep. That doesn’t mean that I can’t turn off the TV at any moment and reverse the decision. The rest of the episode can wait.”
“I’m halfway through my vacation, and I’ve totally relaxed my habits. But that doesn’t mean I have to wait until I get home to get back on track. It starts with filling my plate with vegetables at the next meal.”
Every moment is a chance to start fresh. Not just Mondays. Not just January. Even halfway through a binge, you always have the power to bring some awareness to the moment and make a new choice. Claim that power.
THE MARTYR BULLSHIT
Sometimes the tempting Bullshit that bubbles up is that keeping to our habits would actually make us a bit selfish. It would be an act of kindness and graciousness to forego our habits just this once.
I’ll be honest—my brain loves this particular Bullshit. I crush out on it so hard because it’s so appealing to believe the only reason I would ever bail on my healthy habits is because I’m pretty much Mother Teresa. It sounds like this:
“I should probably try all these hors d’oeuvres because the hostess went to so much trouble to make them.”
“I should skip my fitness class tonight and stay home with my kids. They want to play with me.”
“It would make my friend feel uncomfortable if I didn’t have a glass of wine with her.”
“If I take time for myself to do meal prep on Sundays, then my husband will have to take the kids to swimming lessons, and he really likes to sleep in. That wouldn’t be fair to him.”
It’s so much fun to think of ourselves as altruistic in our choices, but this is Bullshit because we are actually using other people to defend our own actions. It’s not cool. When you play the altruism card, you become like the aging mother who is always guilt-tripping her kids and saying how much she gave up for them. What a shitty thing to do to your kids. If you get caught up in this Martyr Bullshit, it’s time to cut it out now.
Here are some breakup speeches to try:
“The best thing I can do for my kids is to be happy and energized with them today, and healthy so they don’t have to take care of me in the future. It is my motherly duty to ditch them and go take care of myself.”
“If my friend is uncomfortable with me not drinking, that’s because she is questioning her own drinking. When I provide a casual and nonjudgmental model of someone having fun and not drinking, I’m doing her a favor without being preachy.”
“My hostess wants me to enjoy myself. If I overeat, I will feel uncomfortable and not have as much fun at her event. There are plenty of people here to freak out over her hors d’oeuvres.”
So enough with the Martyr Bullshit. Put the oxygen mask on yourself by following your healthy habits, and then you will be healthy enough to Mother Teresa all you want.
THE AHA-MOMENT BULLSHIT
I know this might come as a bit of a shocker given all the Cool Kid Street Cred I established in the previous chapter with my different-colored shoes and everything…but I am a total self-improvement junkie. I was secretly listening to Tony Robbins’s Personal Power cassette tapes when most of my friends were listening to Nine Inch Nails. I love diagnosing people’s Love Language two minutes after I’ve met them. I do Power Poses in bathroom stalls before meetings. You call them grocery lists—I call it Food Goal Setting.
Which is why I am particularly susceptible to the Aha-Moment Bullshit. It’s when you have a sudden burst of personal growth that allows you to squirm out of your habit. It sounds like this:
“I know I said I wasn’t going to eat desserts, but I believe in living in the moment and this cake looks delicious. After all—you only live once!”
“I know I said I was going to exercise consistently, but actually, I’ve decided that I love myself the way I am and I don’t need to make myself work out if I don’t feel like it.”
When you hear yourself using Aha Moments to get out of your healthy habit, it’s a good time to review the difference between pleasure and happiness. As I mentioned at the end of part 1, pleasure comes from external circumstances (dessert, sleeping in) and is fleeting. Happiness comes from within, is stable despite our circumstances, and comes from being in alignment with our core values and identity. Happiness comes when you are making real progress toward goals that are meaningful, and there’s usually a bit of grit required to do so. Pleasure is the temporary feeling of relief when you relax into the familiar. It’s cuddling on the couch with your ex instead of moving through the discomfort of being lonely. It feels good in the moment, but deep inside, you know it’s not right.
It is very hard to be truly happy when you are not following through on your stated intentions. That’s how you know that these Aha Moments are total Bullshit.
Here are some break up speeches:
“Yes, I only live once. So, I want to spend my one life feeling energized, healthy, and awesome. Eating that dessert wouldn’t make me feel that way.”
“Yes, I love myself exactly as I am. And I believe I can do anything I set my mind to. It’s because I love myself that I am totally committed to pushing through challenges and achieving my greatest potential.”
“My highest and most awesome self would just do my damn habit right now. You know it. I know it. That’s who I want to be. So let’s do this.”
THE VICTIM BULLSHIT
This is where you pretend that aw shucks, you wish you could exercise—if only your gosh-darn kids would leave you alone long enough to do it!
Other examples would be:
“My boss ordered a bottle of wine for the table. I had to drink some!”
“My knees hurt when I exercise, so I can’t.”
“I wish I could meditate, but I’m just not wired for it.”
“I can’t focus on eating healthy and finding vegetables right now—work is just too crazy.”
“I’m too old to start exercising now.”
This is an especially smelly brand of Bullshit because it is so disempowering and, frankly, makes you sound like a wuss for not taking control over your damn life. And if you believe that you are a wuss who doesn’t take control of her life, then there’s a whole bunch of shit you aren’t gonna do—and I’m not just talking about burpees.
Here are some breakup speeches for the tempting Bullshit that you believe is beyond your control:
“If there are athletes in the Special Olympics who manage to be in incredible shape with no legs at all, I can probably manage to figure out a workout that accommodates my grumpy knees.”
“I noticed that Sam from the HR Department didn’t drink the wine, and she didn’t get fired. Maybe no one would care if I didn’t drink.”
“Meditation is hard for everyone. I’m no exception. In fact, that probably means I could benefit from it even more.”
“Yup, it would have been great if I started to exercise twenty years ago. But the second-best time to start would be right now. Studies show that the best thing for older adults is to get active.”
“Who do I know who manages to have both a family and a consistent exercise habit? Mary is evidence that a mortal human can get both of those things done.”
When sniffing out the Victim Bullshit, you want to pay special attention to your language. For example, I don’t let my clients use phrases like “I fell off the wagon this weekend” or “I went off the rails during my vacation.” Both of those suggest that you have no power over your life, which is why the Victim Bullshit is the most dangerous Bullshit of all. I’d much prefer to hear “I decided to get maximum value for my all-inclusive vacation and stay drunk for seven days.”
I’m not saying that’s a good decision, but it’s a hell of a lot more empowering than being all “Whoopsie daisy! I couldn’t help myself!” about your freaking life.
The funniest thing about the Victim Bullshit is that if you rewind the tape, you will often see that you inadvertently created your victim circumstances and set yourself up in a situation where you were destined to fail. Stuff like:
“I’ll totally do my meditation after I check my work email.”
“I’ll order the fries, but I’ll just eat one or two.”
“I’ll let my ex come over, but just so we can be good friends.”
Bitch, please.
We all know how this is gonna turn out. It’s as predictable as watching a horror movie where a group of teenagers decide to rent a cabin in the woods and the wild girl decides to go skinny-dipping. Carnage is inevitable.
Here’s how you are going to break up with this Bullshit. When you hear yourself coming up with some silly-ass plan like—
“Let’s just go to Disney World with three kids, and I’m sure we’ll all be motivated to find the healthy and affordable food that I’m sure is readily available.”
Or
“Oh look! My favorite ice cream is on sale at the store! It would be smart to stock up now and just keep it in the freezer for special occasions.”
—then I want you to think to yourself:
“Am I setting myself up for success here? Or am I being the girl who goes skinny-dipping at the haunted cabin?”
Don’t be that girl, dude. That girl put herself in a situation where she was destined to be a victim. Instead, be the girl who unexpectedly knows kung fu and escapes the cabin to live another day. Or, you know, at least the girl who orders the damn salad instead of thinking she is gonna eat two fries and then sit there in front of a plate of delicious fries with zero interest in the rest. Be the girl who shows up for the road trip with healthy snacks. Be the girl who brings her sneakers on vacation. The girl who makes sure she has childcare coverage for her exercise classes. The girl who doesn’t open her work email until the meditation is done rather than pretending she’s a victim of work getting crazy and that’s why she can’t meditate.
THE GOOD-GIRL BULLSHIT
Wouldn’t it be nice if someone patted you on the head and told you that you were such a good girl and that you deserve a treat?
Hell yes it would. About damn time someone realized all the shit I do around here and how diligent I’ve been with my healthy habits. You are damn right I deserve a treat. I’ve really been very good—it won’t even matter if I break my habit and have a treat just this once.
This is the Good-Girl Bullshit. These tempting mental flirtations might include:
“I’ve been so good with my habits—I deserve a weekend off.”
“I just worked out really hard this morning, so it’s okay if I have a treat.”
“I’ve been so good, so it won’t make a difference if I skip my workout this one time.”
“I’ve been so good that one little cookie won’t hurt.”
To most of us, the feeling of deserving-a-treat/Good-Girl Bullshit is the most familiar. It’s easy to get sucked into this Bullshit because it’s partly true; you probably are being “good” all the freaking time—fulfilling duties and expectations and running around getting things done.
Remember that human beings will always be motivated to seek pleasure. And if you are always working, and looking after people, and attending social events that aren’t fun for you, and cleaning the house, and paying bills, and generally not experiencing any pleasure…you will eventually snap and demand a treat for yourself.
I tell my clients to imagine that some part of them is a little kid that a parent is dragging through a bunch of boring errands in a crowded shopping mall on a tight deadline. The kid is overwhelmed, tired, hungry, and grumpy—and the parent never lets them stop and look at any toys or just goof around. The kid is just supposed to behave and “be good.” Eventually that kid will protest that she has been good enough and will have a full-on fucking meltdown if she doesn’t get to do something fun or get soothed with a treat.
Now obviously the ideal solution here is to not put a kid in that situation and not let the kid get to the stage where she is overwhelmed and underslept and tired and hungry. But we often don’t do that kind of preventive self-care. We expect too much from our little-kid selves, which is why I suggested in the previous chapter that maybe the best thing you could do for your health is figure out how to make your life just a little easier and fun.
The best way to break up with the Good-Girl Bullshit is to work on making your habits feel less like dutiful chores and more pleasurable. It’s time to beef up the reward part of your habit loop. When you go around thinking that you “deserve a day off,” you are telling yourself that your habit is something hard and horrible. Instead, we want to be training our brains to associate pleasure with our habits.
Breaking up with the Good-Girl Bullshit might sound like this:
“Yeah, I’ve been so good with my habits, so I don’t want to break the streak! I deserve to see the results that come from consistency.”
“I worked out really hard this morning, so I should fuel my body with something nutritious. It’s going to taste so good, and I’ll feel awesome.”
“I’ve been so good with my habits, I totally do deserve a reward. What would a Healthy Motherfucker such as myself do for a kick-ass reward?”
It’s also easy to convince yourself that you are so good that one little time doesn’t matter. It’s true: One cookie won’t make you fat. And one workout won’t turn you into Halle Berry (which is a serious bummer).
The fact is that every single time counts, which is why it is so important to be vigilant about our Bullshit in the first place.
Remember how the habit loop works? You have a trigger, then you do your habit, and then you get some kind of reward. Every time the habit loop happens, it gets wired more deeply in your brain. Do it often enough and eventually it happens automatically, and then you get to spend your time learning the guitar or running for mayor or making seashell necklaces or whatever the fuck you want to do with your life that isn’t worrying about how to get Healthy as Fuck. So that’s awesome.
But.
Every time you have the trigger and you DON’T act out your habit, you are making the loop weaker. You also make it less likely to become automatic, which means it will be a little harder to do the next time.
Which is why you need to:
I know that you might have been reading this with your heart sinking as I slayed some of your favorite Bullshit patterns. Maybe you were thinking, Really? Like, I have to fill my plate with vegetables every day forever and ever? And if I skip it on my birthday, I’m fucked forever?
Nope—you aren’t fucked forever. It’s about doing your best absolutely every single day without letting your Bullshit suck you back into a relationship (with old patterns) that you’ve outgrown. And trust me, you have outgrown this Bullshit. If you can recognize it, then already you are developing an immunity to its charms and you are ready to move on.
And no, that doesn’t mean you have to be absolutely perfect with your habits every day. In fact, if you try to be perfect, that’s when you are totally fucked. If you demand absolute perfection from yourself, you will go crawling back to your Bullshit for relief and feel like a failure.
In the next chapter, I’m going to teach you how you can be delightfully imperfect with your healthy habits and still keep them happening on autopilot. You are going to love this.